Really need Help!

[animejunkie]

Hi! I pretend to be happy, I am just so freakin depressed right now! I'm so confused, the white noise is increasing. My family keeps telling me homosexuals are bound to hell, then my friends tell me its all right, but I should give up my God! My younger brother told me if he found out I was gay, he would shoot me on the spot. I'm so afraid, I feel so hated. I really am at a breaking point right now! I never had such a desire to kill myself. I just feeling like taking a dagger and tearing it across my pale, unmuscular skin till I'm no more. I feel so hated at church. I have no good friends, well two, but everyone else I lie to. I really need help! All the boys look on at me like I'm a total wimp, even the ones at my Christian fellowships ignore me. I can't stand it anymore, I do not know what to believe, I believe in God, but he is doing nothing for me, just throwing more suffering on me, Why did he make me gay? I know you all think this post makes me selfish, but I know no where else to go for help without being find out and killed, or at the least kicked out of my home. My family only loves the fake me! I apologize again, I just feel so empty right now!

[Zerbie]

Hi! I pretend to be happy, I am just so freakin depressed right now! I'm so confused, the white noise is increasing. My family keeps telling me homosexuals are bound to hell, then my friends tell me its all right, but I should give up my God! My younger brother told me if he found out I was gay, he would shoot me on the spot. I'm so afraid, I feel so hated. I really am at a breaking point right now! I never had such a desire to kill myself. I just feeling like taking a dagger and tearing it across my pale, unmuscular skin till I'm no more. I feel so hated at church. I have no good friends, well two, but everyone else I lie to. I really need help! All the boys look on at me like I'm a total wimp, even the ones at my Christian fellowships ignore me. I can't stand it anymore, I do not know what to believe, I believe in God, but he is doing nothing for me, just throwing more suffering on me, Why did he make me gay? I know you all think this post makes me selfish, but I know no where else to go for help without being find out and killed, or at the least kicked out of my home. My family only loves the fake me! I apologize again, I just feel so empty right now!

Oh, no, baby, I'm so sorry!! :'(:'(:'( :love::love::love::love:

What ever you do, do not harm yourself!! :pray: :'(:'(:love::love:

There is nothing wrong with you! Nothing!!

***
Who you are is more than okay - who you are is beautiful, and wonderful, and a shining light. You are a beloved child of God. :dove: Of course it is alright that you are gay. :love: You are an innocent soul, truly you are. And you always have your relationship with God. No human being can ever take that away from you, so don't you let anyone talk you out of your faith, especially not when that faith is important to you!

Hang on. Wait. Get quiet. Do you have a place you can go where you always feel calmed? I have a room in my house, but that may be easier for me because I'm older and I actually own a house - if you don't have a peaceful place at home, maybe your church? A friend's house, one of those two good friends you have? A park??? Someplace safe and soothing where you just allow yourself to simply: Be.

Talk to God - cry out your prayers to him.

There are times when it pays to ignore other people. This may be one of those times. You're getting noise from two sides on "the gay thing." So take yourself out of the flow of that 'noise' and be someplace where you're truly in touch with who you are, the eternal you, and not caught up in the middle of peoples' arguments.

You're not selfish - you're trying to find what's right, but with everyone around you screaming and disagreeing, someone you are tasked with sifting through all the noise and finding what's real and what's right.
And feeling rejected by your own family! :'(:love:

Hang on, baby. You have friends here, too. Let us know how we can help, at any time.

:love::love::love::love:

[Progo35]

Anime,

I am so, so sorry about what you have been going through. I am so sorry for the Chritian community for that. The people around you are treating you like crap and, worst of all, might not even realize it.

First of all, I echo what Zerbie said: do not harm or kill yourself. Call a crisis hotline, or if you really think that you're going to do something now, call 911. They do have trained professionals that can intervene in a crisis situation, and an iminent threat of self harm is ample reason to take such action.

One thing I would like to address specifically is the idea that you need to give up God because that will solve your problem. And, it is one of the messages that our culture likes to promote: Christianity/God is the source of what you are experiencing (lack of compassion, bigotry), rather than the people who believe in God but act this way. People think that in order to be a tolerant, loving, self-respecting person, you have to give up your faith. Not so!!!

You do not have to give up God/Jesus. The devil will tell you that God does not care about you or that he made you this way as a cruel joke, which are all lies. God is with you, right now, and his arms are around you. Is there a human resource center around where you live? Perhaps someone there could direct you to a support groups for LGBT people, perhaps even one that is faith centered.

I am praying for you. Hold on, help is on the way.

Love, peace, and hope,

Meghan

[animejunkie]

Thank you for your words of kindness!I really need that, I am talking to my good friend over AIM right now! It seems like all the stress I tried to hold in just exploded tonight on me. I will take your words of advice, usually my quite spot for me is either at Borders or the library.

[u-dog]

KYO!

Here is a number for a gay youth crisis line called the Trevor project:

866-4-u-trevor

Its 24/7 and the counselors there talk to kids in your situation all the time. They will have good suggestions for getting through this time and for keeping yourself safe!

WILL YOU CALL THEM RIGHT AWAY TONIGHT? and WIll you let us know that you have done it?

I (we... all of us) are worried about you. we've only known you a short time but we care what happens to you. I'm a dad of three boys just a little older than you are and it is JUST MAKING ME FRANTIC to think about what you are going through. If I were there I'd put my arms around you and tell you that you are going to be fine. that you are a precious, beautiful child of God and that you have a FANTASTIC future ahead of you if you can just hang on and make it through this VERY rough time! Someday you are going to look back on this time and realize what a brave and courageous person you were to be able to withstand this. You are going to have a life partner who loves and treasures you and when you tell him about this time he is going to cry over it and think "Oh my God... what if "KYO" had hurt himself and I had never had the chance to meet him" and you two are going to cry together and the next day you are going to decide to volunteer somewhere to help gay teens like the one you used to be. You are going to have a job you love and friends who know you for the fantastic person that you are. you are going to go to an amazing church where gay people are honored as children of God. Maybe your future won't be EXACTLY like that cuz I don't have a crystal ball... but its going to be A LOT LIKE That. PLEASE DON"T MISS IT !! God has such plans for you, son! Really he does.

God is not doing this to you. Scared, ignorant people are doing this to you. God is the love and strength that is holding you together. God is why you haven't flown apart already. God is why I'm sitting here wanting to put a hand on your shoulder and tell you how important your life is.

This is a TERRIBLE time for you. I hear that and I believe you. But as someone who has lived half a century I also know that all of this is TEMPORARY ... a fleeting nightmare. but morning comes. it always comes and the nightmare fades away. and by lunch you can barely remember it!

We are all praying for you! :pray::pray::pray::love::love::pray::pray::pray:

[BrentRichards]

What they said, Kyo! We need you here ... your voice is important. Going through this alone seems impossible ... which is ok, because you need not/should not go through this ALONE. God is with you, we are with you (and you have no idea how much many of us are longing to be where you are in reality to LITERALLY lift you up and hold you through this!) ... do not go this alone. The suggestions you hear above are right ... let someone help you. There have been more than a few times in my life that I felt like I had no one to turn to, that various people in my life only knew and accepted a part of me. Those were times I needed to talk to someone outside the situation ... yes, often a professional. There's no shame in seeking counseling. It's not weak people who ask for help, strong and smart people do! The Trevor Project number Dave listed above would be a great place to start ... and they may be able to help you find a resource person to talk to "in 3D" where you are.

Breathe. Smile (a fake one will do for now). And come back and tell us how you're doing tomorrow (or sooner if you want!).

We love you, kid!

[Alecto]

I'm a gay male that's been diagnosed with depression. I think there may be a good bet you've got something similar going, and I would encourage you to see a doctor for it. If you don't know where to start, a normal family physician should be able to give you a referral. And your family, for the time being, does not need to know which things are contributing to that, though you might later find it necessary to talk to them about it.

As for why God would give you these challenges...
I can't answer that. Eventually, you might. I can say that in MY life, I do feel that some things have been put there to make me stronger, and to guide me a certain way. I feel that because I was born to a gay life, I have a better grasp of other social justice issues (and also a better grasp of the fact that I will never completely understand someone else's oppression). I feel that that has truly shaped who I am, and will continue to shape the person I will eventually be. That combined with what in my case is a pretty chronic mental illness has shown me just how strong I can be. Because, flat out: I've made it this far through obstacles many people never face. And there are others who have come through it all easier, or better, or faster than I have, and I have such a great admiration for them.

Sorry if I got a little rambly, but: it can get better.

[sailaway58]

I sit here weeping for your peace, angry that you are oppressed, judged and made to feel unworthy. Broken that you have such a struggle to experience Christ's love. Do as the others have advised and know that we are praying for you, for you peace of mind, for acceptance of yourself, and that the chains that have you bound to depression will be lifted.
You are Gods child, just the way you are, don't let anyone convince you of anything else.

[Pablo Rafael]

Kyo,

Just want you to know that there are many of us here who have had feelings much the same. Remember that you always have friends here who are on your side. And God is ALWAYS on your side. I have at times gotten discouraged because it seems that God is silent when I really need him. At other times he seems very close.

It is hard to keep a positive attitude when so many people want to pull you down. But it is what you think of yourself that really matters. You know that you are OK, don't let others get to you. I know you are having a tough time. It seems to me that often those people who really become great are those who have had to overcome adversity. I am thinking that God has great plans for you.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[keltic63]

KYO,

I read this last night, and felt so many had responded so well to you, and now I see even more responses and they are all so good. As I was reading, I noticed that you posted this as the night was beginning, and I was reminded of Psalm 30 that says "weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." It hit me because when I was struggling so hard with being gay, coming out, fearing rejection by family, the nights were the hardest times. At that point, I didn't even have internet access at home, so the nights were truly lonesome for me. You do have us, and others that you can connect with at night. this is good.

I also hope that as you awake this morning, that you have a renewed sense of joy, a new day to grow stronger, and feel the love that we have for you. Can you tell that we're sending these powerful thoughts your way. We're cheering for you.

I too questioned why God made me this way, I thought it was a cruel joke. God made keltic to be the best keltic he ever made, and just a small part of that is that I am gay. God made you to be the best KYO God ever made, well because you're the only KYO ever made! Don't undo any of God's work!

I pray that today will be better. :pray:

[scott snedeker]

Hi! I pretend to be happy, I am just so freakin depressed right now! I'm so confused, the white noise is increasing. My family keeps telling me homosexuals are bound to hell, then my friends tell me its all right, but I should give up my God! My younger brother told me if he found out I was gay, he would shoot me on the spot. I'm so afraid, I feel so hated. I really am at a breaking point right now! I never had such a desire to kill myself. I just feeling like taking a dagger and tearing it across my pale, unmuscular skin till I'm no more. I feel so hated at church. I have no good friends, well two, but everyone else I lie to. I really need help! All the boys look on at me like I'm a total wimp, even the ones at my Christian fellowships ignore me. I can't stand it anymore, I do not know what to believe, I believe in God, but he is doing nothing for me, just throwing more suffering on me, Why did he make me gay? I know you all think this post makes me selfish, but I know no where else to go for help without being find out and killed, or at the least kicked out of my home. My family only loves the fake me! I apologize again, I just feel so empty right now!

You are true to yourself and keep that. You own your heart and your love. You are a shining boy, perfect just the way you are.

I think it's time to create a sanctuary for your spirit and your love. By love I mean God's love for you and your love for yourself. You own this. It comes from no one else. Picture yourself inside a warm glowing blanket that God made to warm you and protect you. It glows with his the warmth of his arms. You feel his love. you hear him whisper "I have a special wonderful life planned for you that will fill you with the joy of loving. There is another of my children who I have created who needs you. Find him and love him. Just as I have created him to find and love you. The joy is in the search and the jouney. I also look forward to the joy you two will feel when you find each other! This is one of the many wonderful gifts I have for you. Because you are my special child"

Find a church that helps you connect to His message. The Metropolitan Community Church or the Unity Church may have chapters in your area.

We are here for you. There is great love all around. You are Going to make it!

[dsdrane]

Sorry for being a bit slow...I just read through this thread.

Despite the very real pain and hurt I read in your words, Kyo, you should give yourself a big pat on the back for the strength and courage you summoned up last night by reaching out to us and your friends.

This impulse is extremely important and lets me know you're a fighter (in the good sense). You just need to get past this period in your life.

And get past it you will.

People talk about what a youth-oriented culture/society we are, and I guess, for most, our youth represents "the best years of our lives".

Not for me...not for you...and not for, I would wager, most people here at Soulforce. Young and still at home, we are at the mercy of those who, for the time being, still control our lives.

I remember writing away (on a typewriter...can you imagine??) for college brochures as early as 9th grade, such was my desire to get the hell out of my podunk town in central Maine. And while in college, I flung myself to the other side of the Atlantic Ocean (to Germany) for my junior year, all in an effort to escape the "me" others told me I was and discern the "me" I actually was.

I like to think I was successful. My mother now jokes that she sent a nice, preppy, straight, young Republican to Germany only to get back a long-haired, ear-pierced, euro-trashy, gay Democrat.

Your only job right now is to construct as safe and as comforting a personal space as necessary to keep you sane and healthy until you are able to be on your own. And bide your time. You will be liberated...it's simply a fact.

And definitely continue to use us here...as well as other places and resources. One that comes to mind that could be helpful is www.gaychristian.net. I don't visit there anymore because it's a little too conservative for my taste, but you will find plenty of people who either have gone or are going through exactly what you are. It could be an excellent support for you, especially at this time in your life.

Keep the faith, Brother...and keep us posted!

:love::):pray::cookie::flower:

[animejunkie]

I really thank you all for your kind words, when I came back from the RA Salvatore book signing I went to today, I was in tears, not of sorrow, but of joy. God has sent me to this forum for a reason, he knew he wanted me to understand I was not alone in my struggle and I should not be. Reading some of these posts, I can just feel some of your embraces, and I can also see God reaching his hands out to me saying "You are not alone!" I had a great day today, yet I wil still have to face opression and a hypocritical church community. I hope to look past the people who try to opress those who are different, and focus on those who love me for who I truly am. I am secretly in GSA right now, yet I face the struggle of saying things, as I am too afraid to divulge that, because my younger brother goes to the same school, who is the one who keeps threatning me. I would really love to go to counceling, or call Trevor, but I am afraid my mom will track my phone numbers or might try and badger the psychologist into information I give him. I am afraid of her, she is really paranoid of her perfect children being gay. I reallly really had a great day with my lesbian friend she was really nice to me, and cried as I cried, I love her with all my heart, she is truly a great friend! Also my gay friend at school, has been a real great help for me! When I think of dark thoughts, as they track and infiltrate my mind, I will think of the boy (not my gay friend I mentioned before) I have a huge crush on, and try and think, Hold on and I will get the love God has promised me, who I can share my life with. I thank you all again, I love you all! God Bless you all! Thank you!!!!!

[Zerbie]

(((((( Kyo ))))))

:):love:

I'm so glad that, in the middle of such an awful time in your life as this, you had a truly wonderful day. Isn't that remarkable? That even in the middle of so much. . . mud. . . there can be a wonderful day. Remember that the next time the awfulness starts getting to ya: that there will be wonderful moments in the future to look forward to.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things to keep a balance between supporting yourself (GSA, friends, etc) and protecting yourself from a conflict with your family that you don't want to face as long as you are dependent on them and their negative reactions could have repercussions on you.

Keep hanging in there, baby. :pray: You're really strong. I'm glad you have such loving friends. Seems to me that you surely are one - a loving friend I mean - to them as well. :love:

[keltic63]

you know the HIPPA laws prevent a lot of the information that could be released to even the parents. check it out. you might be able to talk to someone without it even being told to your mom.

[Progo35]

Off of what Keltic said, I think that even when you're a minor, there are codes of professional ethics that say that your psychologist is not allowed to divulge private information to your parents, except in cases where you might harm yourself. Being gay wouldn't be something they'd be professionally allowed to divulge.

[u-dog]

Do your two glbt friends have cell phones? maybe you could use one of their phones to call Trevor Project. I think it could be SUCH an important resource for you. Otherwise ... how about a pay phone. I know I know... very few of them left! How about from school? Who is the adult advisor for GSA? maybe you could get him/her to secure a line out and let you use their office for a few minutes? It means trusting them with your secret, but maybe thats a reasonable risk to take?

[scott snedeker]

Dearest Kyo,

Just a reminder that I am sending thoughts of love harmony and peace your way. May you find balance today. You are strong, stronger than I was at your age.

This might be a good time to build your independence. If you don't already have one, I think that if you apply for a job, it will help boost your confidence in you own self sufficiency and make you feel less vulnerable. If this is your first job, Walmart, McDonalds, Grocery stores, Car washes, Movie theaters or the mall, are good places who hire people with no experience.

The formula is generally 10 to 1. Ten applications before one job offer. Employers like young fresh go-getter ready to get a start kind of people. Well so do most people for that matter.

My first job was a bag-boy at publix supermarket back in 1982. They still hire bagboys today as young as 15! Your first job is just that, Getting your feet wet. You might ask a guidence counsellor about jobs in your area and how to fill out a job application.

Showing yourself that you can earn money is important. Are you planning to got to college? Many colleges offer financial aid and loans. My college was nearly paid for with grants and scholarships. It takes resourcefulness and asking questions. College can be a sanctuary for the next four years while your personal growth and developing personality strengthens.

I'm sending my strength and love to you today.

[Progo35]

Sources that you might also want to look to for solace could be Henry David Thoreau's On Resistance to Government and Emerson's Self Reliance. Both essays talk about being yourself and nurturing your inner person even when the world is hostile to it.

Another great writer who I love is Julian of Norwich. Her Revelations of Divine Love are focused on Christ's abiding love for humanity that sustains it in the midst of sin and travesty.

A lighter resource I'm reminded of is a story I read in either Chicken Soup for the College or latest Teenage Soul. In it, a teacher goes to the aid of an LGBT student who did, in fact, have an episode where he was abused by some friends and needed to be picked up in the middle of the night. The teacher responded with deep compassion, and provides a solid example of the good, nurturing adults that WILL go to bat for you.

Hang in there.

[u-dog]

Good reading suggestions Meghan! I didn't even think of those! Julian can be a bit challenging but Kyo is clearly a reader. Thoreau is an easy read. Good thinking!

[animejunkie]

Thoreau and Emerson's books were a great resource for me in the past two years,and continue to be a source of inspiration. Right now, I'm reading The God Box by: Alex Sanchez, which is all about a Christian who finds out he is gay, very excellent read so far. Yes! I am a reader. For colleges, I want to make sure I do not go to Gordon, since my siblings go there, and well...they might be a bit nosy, so I definitely will probably not go there, since I really want to be independant from my family. I hope to try and find a job soon, thank you for all your suggestions, and outpour of love! I think I did well on my SATs! Well... hopefully I did well. Anyways, Thanks again!

[u-dog]

Thoreau and Emerson's books were a great resource for me in the past two years,and continue to be a source of inspiration. Right now, I'm reading The God Box by: Alex Sanchez, which is all about a Christian who finds out he is gay, very excellent read so far. Yes! I am a reader. For colleges, I want to make sure I do not go to Gordon, since my siblings go there, and well...they might be a bit nosy, so I definitely will probably not go there, since I really want to be independant from my family. I hope to try and find a job soon, thank you for all your suggestions, and outpour of love! I think I did well on my SATs! Well... hopefully I did well. Anyways, Thanks again!


If you like the late 19th century authors like Thoreau and Emerson... how about Walt Whitmans poetry? he... umm.... "used to go to our church" (translation: he was gay)

and about the SATs .... I'm sure you did well... readers usually do. if your scores are not what you think they should be don't forget the emotional strain you have been under. Not the best circumstances for taking one of those tests. You can always take them again and you can arrange to send your BEST math score and your BEST language scores to the colleges of your choice. Sure it'll cost $50 bucks... but compared to what a good scholarship is worth ... thats peanuts.

I am going to order the Sanchez book from Amazon. I'll let you know what I think!

[drewcaine]

It's great to see all the love and support that you are getting, Kyo, and I would recommend them to anyone-gay or straight. They are truly generous and kind and understand God's Word (the Bible).
If you need anyone to chat with then I'm availabe through several messengers, let me know if you're interested. I have a knack for peer-counseling, I do believe (lol)^_^
With Christianly love,
drewcaine

[BrentRichards]

Off of what Keltic said, I think that even when you're a minor, there are codes of professional ethics that say that your psychologist is not allowed to divulge private information to your parents, except in cases where you might harm yourself. Being gay wouldn't be something they'd be professionally allowed to divulge.

This may actually vary a good bit from state to state ... just how much a therapist will feel comfortable sharing with parents of a minor client depends on how the state treats minor confidentiality legally... in some cases, parents have a right to a lot of info that would otherwise be confidential. Which does not mean don't talk to a counselor! It does mean that you will want to talk with the counselor about confidentiality, and what kinds of things they will and will not tell your folks BEFORE you divulge any info you don't want parents to know. As a counselor myself, I have always been VERY clear with clients what they can and cannot expect me to keep to myself - every therapist has an ethical responsibility to give you that info. Even if you can't talk to a therapist about your sexuality, you should get support for your depression and other issues... start with your family doctor if nothing else, and simply tell him/her about your emotional and physical symptoms, even if you don't feel comfortable telling him/her about your sexuality. This is also one of the reasons contacting Trevor or a similar hotline would be so helpful ... they definitely will not divulge info to anyone ... in fact, I'm 99% sure you can call anonymously. U-dogs suggestions for finding a way to call privately are good ... please do it!

I will also say that I think you are wise to play it safe. It sounds like you have a lot of things at stake if you were to come out now ... it's okay, in fact it's good, to wait to come out until you know it is safe and healthy for you to do so ... meanwhile, rely on supports like trusted friends and adults (who will keep your secret), forums like this, and resources like Trevor or other counselors.

[animejunkie]

This may actually vary a good bit from state to state ... just how much a therapist will feel comfortable sharing with parents of a minor client depends on how the state treats minor confidentiality legally... in some cases, parents have a right to a lot of info that would otherwise be confidential. Which does not mean don't talk to a counselor! It does mean that you will want to talk with the counselor about confidentiality, and what kinds of things they will and will not tell your folks BEFORE you divulge any info you don't want parents to know. As a counselor myself, I have always been VERY clear with clients what they can and cannot expect me to keep to myself - every therapist has an ethical responsibility to give you that info. Even if you can't talk to a therapist about your sexuality, you should get support for your depression and other issues... start with your family doctor if nothing else, and simply tell him/her about your emotional and physical symptoms, even if you don't feel comfortable telling him/her about your sexuality. This is also one of the reasons contacting Trevor or a similar hotline would be so helpful ... they definitely will not divulge info to anyone ... in fact, I'm 99% sure you can call anonymously. U-dogs suggestions for finding a way to call privately are good ... please do it!

I will also say that I think you are wise to play it safe. It sounds like you have a lot of things at stake if you were to come out now ... it's okay, in fact it's good, to wait to come out until you know it is safe and healthy for you to do so ... meanwhile, rely on supports like trusted friends and adults (who will keep your secret), forums like this, and resources like Trevor or other counselors.

Those suggestions are great! I may call Trevor Monday if I get the guts to do it (I am not good on telephones). Reading The God Box is really helping me, the situation of the main character nearly fits mine, I love Alex Sanchez's books, they are wonderful novels! I wrote to him two months ago, and he wrote one of the nicest letters I have ever gotten from any author in return! I will probably continue to play it safe. I need some suggestions, it is normal for me to be afraid of someone I like. There is this boy who graduated, he is only a year older than me. He was in a club with me last year, and let's just say, I stared at him, every single meeting. He is really nerdy and shy like me, and quite masculine, like me. He did not fit many stereotypes, so I thought, Nah! he is probably straight, then my lesbian friend, told me one day that he came out to the GSA. My responce was,"......." inside I was joyful. Yet I do not know all his beliefs, I really do not want to date anyone who is not Christian, or feels religion is incompatible with homosexuality (which is proposterous). I am just being crazy, and paranoid, like always. When I found out he was gay, I stopped going to the club he went to, because I felt so uncomfortable. My face would literally turn red, my heart would crash against my chest, and I felt like I could not move. In embarassment I usually covered my face, by reading a book, when he ever walked by me. I am a complete wreck when I am around him,I cannot bear to look at his face on my friend's Facebook, without blushing. XD! I'm such a love-shy wreck! The funny thing is, he hardly talked to me and one time during a trip, I decided to brave out, he sat away from me, and as we ate, he just stared at me the entire time. Maybe I am hoping, but the way he looked at me, and also avoided me, I think he might like me, especially since my friend asked him who he liked before he went to college, and he said a boy who is like him, quiet and shy, very kind, a bookworm, but he is not sure he is gay. This might be in the wrong forum, but I need tips and advice on this, as this is my first crush, quite a strong one too.

[u-dog]

There is this boy who graduated, he is only a year older than me. He was in a club with me last year, and let's just say, I stared at him, every single meeting. He is really nerdy and shy like me, and quite masculine, like me. He did not fit many stereotypes, so I thought, Nah! he is probably straight, then my lesbian friend, told me one day that he came out to the GSA. My responce was,"......." inside I was joyful. Yet I do not know all his beliefs, I really do not want to date anyone who is not Christian, or feels religion is incompatible with homosexuality (which is proposterous).

Earth to KYO... Come in KYO! The purpose of dating is to explore who the other person is and give them the same opportunity! If you don't want to MARRY the guy because he has incompatible beliefs ... thats cool. but howya gonna find out ... other than dating?

I am just being crazy, and paranoid, like always. When I found out he was gay, I stopped going to the club he went to, because I felt so uncomfortable. My face would literally turn red, my heart would crash against my chest, and I felt like I could not move. In embarassment I usually covered my face, by reading a book, when he ever walked by me. I am a complete wreck when I am around him,I cannot bear to look at his face on my friend's Facebook, without blushing. XD! I'm such a love-shy wreck! The funny thing is, he hardly talked to me and one time during a trip, I decided to brave out, he sat away from me, and as we ate, he just stared at me the entire time. Maybe I am hoping, but the way he looked at me, and also avoided me, I think he might like me, especially since my friend asked him who he liked before he went to college, and he said a boy who is like him, quiet and shy, very kind, a bookworm, but he is not sure he is gay. This might be in the wrong forum, but I need tips and advice on this, as this is my first crush, quite a strong one too.

It sounds like he was describing you? doesn't it? anyway... does he go to college in town? Is he still available? since he's out and your not... its sorta gonna have to be you who makes the first move. If he says "not interested... thats rough, but not the end of the world. Life is about risk. Is this a risk you want to take right now (I'm not saying it is or it isn't ) but, assuming you ask him out and he accepts and you guys hit it off ... is that going to make your life easier? or harder? I can imagine both. something to think about. its possible that you might want to wait til next year to really start the whole dating thing. :rolleyes: or not!

[keltic63]

Those suggestions are great! I may call Trevor Monday if I get the guts to do it (I am not good on telephones). Reading The God Box is really helping me, the situation of the main character nearly fits mine, I love Alex Sanchez's books, they are wonderful novels! I wrote to him two months ago, and he wrote one of the nicest letters I have ever gotten from any author in return! I will probably continue to play it safe. I need some suggestions, it is normal for me to be afraid of someone I like. There is this boy who graduated, he is only a year older than me. He was in a club with me last year, and let's just say, I stared at him, every single meeting. He is really nerdy and shy like me, and quite masculine, like me. He did not fit many stereotypes, so I thought, Nah! he is probably straight, then my lesbian friend, told me one day that he came out to the GSA. My responce was,"......." inside I was joyful. Yet I do not know all his beliefs, I really do not want to date anyone who is not Christian, or feels religion is incompatible with homosexuality (which is proposterous). I am just being crazy, and paranoid, like always. When I found out he was gay, I stopped going to the club he went to, because I felt so uncomfortable. My face would literally turn red, my heart would crash against my chest, and I felt like I could not move. In embarassment I usually covered my face, by reading a book, when he ever walked by me. I am a complete wreck when I am around him,I cannot bear to look at his face on my friend's Facebook, without blushing. XD! I'm such a love-shy wreck! The funny thing is, he hardly talked to me and one time during a trip, I decided to brave out, he sat away from me, and as we ate, he just stared at me the entire time. Maybe I am hoping, but the way he looked at me, and also avoided me, I think he might like me, especially since my friend asked him who he liked before he went to college, and he said a boy who is like him, quiet and shy, very kind, a bookworm, but he is not sure he is gay. This might be in the wrong forum, but I need tips and advice on this, as this is my first crush, quite a strong one too.


I'd have to say that you are experiencing your first crush & perhaps romance in the same way that so many others have done and continue to do! This isn't easy stuff, even for the straight folk, addiing the pressure of being gay and not sure whether the object of your affection is gay makes life even more difficult. But your description of your feelings and what happens to you physically is what happens to so many people, gay or straight.

do you think you could start a conversation with this guy?

[animejunkie]

He is coming back later this year, for Alumni Day for GSA, maybe. I do not know if I could start a conversation, I will most definitely freeze up. My two friends are aware of my crush, and they swear that he has a crush on me (I think they are just trying to make me feel better, but my friend who calls him a lot, saids he asks about me a lot for some reason) I will try and behave as naturally when that day comes. It sure will be hard, and you are right U-dog, I may want to wait on the whole dating thing for a year! I should not rush anything!

[Progo35]

On Colleges, one place you might want to look into is Hope College in Holland, Michigan. They are similar to Gordon (where I go) in terms of size but their faith statement is optional: you can go to chapel or not, there is no statement regarding LGBT orientation as a sin, etc. If you're interested in going somewhere faith based but want an open atmosphere, that might be somewhere worth looking into. Their admissions standards as pretty reasonble, too, and their academics are high quality.

[u-dog]

He is coming back later this year, for Alumni Day for GSA, maybe. I do not know if I could start a conversation, I will most definitely freeze up. My two friends are aware of my crush, and they swear that he has a crush on me (I think they are just trying to make me feel better, but my friend who calls him a lot, saids he asks about me a lot for some reason) I will try and behave as naturally when that day comes. It sure will be hard, and you are right U-dog, I may want to wait on the whole dating thing for a year! I should not rush anything!

Understand that I'm NOT advising you on this, KYO. I'm just saying that on the one hand is the danger of "rushing into something" on the other is the danger of using caution as an excuse for doing nothing because you're scared. Neither is probably good. Let your heart and your head be partners not adversaries. Listen to what your brain says (you clearly have a good one!) but follow your heart. Also, keep this issue in your ongoing prayer conversation with God. :pray: He wants you to become your best and fullest self and your love life is certainly NOT beneath his notice! :)

Keltic's idea is a good one! a conversation with this guy when he is home. Meet at Starbuck's for a cup of coffee. Ask about college life and how its been for him. What has it been like to be out at school? If it seems right, confide in him about your sexuality and see where it goes from there. from what you say it sounds like he already suspects anyway. Good luck. Be brave... be careful. Not easy to do both.

[u-dog]

On Colleges, one place you might want to look into is Hope College in Holland, Michigan. They are similar to Gordon (where I go) in terms of size but their faith statement is optional: you can go to chapel or not, there is no statement regarding LGBT orientation as a sin, etc. If you're interested in going somewhere faith based but want an open atmosphere, that might be somewhere worth looking into. Their admissions standards as pretty reasonble, too, and their academics are high quality.

Hope College is a great idea! and it reminds me of another Michigan possibility. Calvin College. Christian, Conservative, not open and affirming but not necessarily "toxic" to gays either. They were visited by the Soulforce bus this Spring but I heard nothing about the visit. The girl I know who goes there was studying abroad this Spring so I got no report (darn!). I would put you in touch with her, but I'm not out to her. Sorry.:(

[animejunkie]

I'm doing much better now! This week, I made some really great friends at the GSA at my school. I have of course not come out to any of them, because I have a homophobic younger brother who attends my school, who is a spy for my mother. This week, my mom keeps talking about how homosexuality is a perversion, I get kinda irked, and argue, and she saids she fears my soul may not be safe from hell. MAn her and my younger brother are such bigots. My house is not a safe haven. Well my locked room is, and my computer, but everything else is covered with plastic wrap. I have to be careful to not show any signs that I am gay near any of them bigots or the alarms will sound and I will be shipped to one of those concentration camps. Anyways, it may sound a bit ranty, but I have had such a great week, I came out to another of my friends and she came out to me. That was wierd but beautiful at the same time. It was raining too, and we hugged, caring not how drenched we were. I thank you for all your prayers, help me to stave off from cutting. Sometimes the urge returns, I am trying, I have many people who are supporting me. It is a war ground, I must not let the dementors overcome me, I must use my faith in God (Patronus) to stave them off. Thank you for your caring posts! I love you all. God bless this wonderful place!

[antonyh]

I'm doing much better now! This week, I made some really great friends at the GSA at my school. I have of course not come out to any of them, because I have a homophobic younger brother who attends my school, who is a spy for my mother. This week, my mom keeps talking about how homosexuality is a perversion, I get kinda irked, and argue, and she saids she fears my soul may not be safe from hell. MAn her and my younger brother are such bigots. My house is not a safe haven. Well my locked room is, and my computer, but everything else is covered with plastic wrap. I have to be careful to not show any signs that I am gay near any of them bigots or the alarms will sound and I will be shipped to one of those concentration camps. Anyways, it may sound a bit ranty, but I have had such a great week, I came out to another of my friends and she came out to me. That was wierd but beautiful at the same time. It was raining too, and we hugged, caring not how drenched we were. I thank you for all your prayers, help me to stave off from cutting. Sometimes the urge returns, I am trying, I have many people who are supporting me. It is a war ground, I must not let the dementors overcome me, I must use my faith in God (Patronus) to stave them off. Thank you for your caring posts! I love you all. God bless this wonderful place!

I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do about living at home right now. I was wondering what you meant when you said that you'd be shipped off to a concentration camp? Hang in there. I'm glad you're finding more and more support. That is awesome.

[scott snedeker]

When you feel trapped be fear, turn your focus to love. Love comes from us. And the new family that you are gathering together. Picture us smiling back at you, reaching our arms out to you. Keep the image in your mind, and soon, that is all you see. You see that the world is filled with love for you. This is the sanctuary for your soul.

It is filled with love because you are a precious boy, entitled to love and sanctuary. It's not far away because it is within you also. The love that God has for you is within you and waiting for you. The more you allow His love in the stronger your sanctuary becomes an the more of the shining soul that is your own, lights your heart.

Kyo, picture the ripple of love coming from us. Others can't see it or feel it, but because of the love in your heart you can feel it. You can feel wave after wave coming your way, washing over you, washing away pain, washing away lonliness and lighting darkness and filling you soul with warmth and love and security.

I am including you in my meditation circle tomorrow. We will be sending waves of love, sanctuary, and bliss. Love, sanctuary and bliss. Search your soul and you will be able to feel it.
:love::love::love::love:

667668

[animejunkie]

When you feel trapped be fear, turn your focus to love. Love comes from us. And the new family that you are gathering together. Picture us smiling back at you, reaching our arms out to you. Keep the image in your mind, and soon, that is all you see. You see that the world is filled with love for you. This is the sanctuary for your soul.

It is filled with love because you are a precious boy, entitled to love and sanctuary. It's not far away because it is within you also. The love that God has for you is within you and waiting for you. The more you allow His love in the stronger your sanctuary becomes an the more of the shining soul that is your own, lights your heart.

Kyo, picture the ripple of love coming from us. Others can't see it or feel it, but because of the love in your heart you can feel it. You can feel wave after wave coming your way, washing over you, washing away pain, washing away lonliness and lighting darkness and filling you soul with warmth and love and security.

I am including you in my meditation circle tomorrow. We will be sending waves of love, sanctuary, and bliss. Love, sanctuary and bliss. Search your soul and you will be able to feel it.
:love::love::love::love:

667668

Thank you for that! I will remember to include that in one of my images to be used in combatting the dementors (a metaphor of depression, sorry I love HP!) Oh and what I meant by concentration camps is reparative facilities, to me they are no different from concentration camps!

[drewcaine]

I love the comparisons, dude! (patronus=God and homophobics=dementors)
Who's the Ron, Hermione, and Cho Chang/Ginny, lol?
drewcaine

[Zerbie]

Kyo, you have many friends. I am so glad that you have, since home life is rough right now. Keep reminding yourself of what's positive and beautiful and good - and how very much you are loved! Made me smile to see you adding Scotty's description of all your loving friends to your bag of positive weapons to use against dementors. :)

Hang on to what is positive. Please, please do not cut or hurt Kyo in any way. :pray: There is love in this world, and you have friends who love you.

:love: