Father...

[drewcaine]

My father and I have never had a very close relationship. I've recently taken counseling to get over it and felt great...until he (for the second or third time already) screwed up everyone's plans and security again.
When I came out (in an indirect way) last month he took it "neutrally", which was good for him because that way I wouldn't have to go legal and have everyone know about it. He agreed to learn about Mel White if I would talk to the pastor about my "wrongness". So there you have it, the beginning to Act IV of my drama.
Ever since then I've wanted to not have too strong ties with him, not only because of the first sixteen years of suffering that I had to deal with (which I forgave him of), but because I'm gay and he's purposely ignorant of wanting to hear my side of the story. He told me that if I wasn't his son that he'd throw me out of the house (I'm already out of the house for safety), but that doesn't exactly make me feel secure.
Now he says that he won't make it down for Christmas (he was supposed to come summer but didn't) and wants me to go up there [to Alaska]-no way! I honestly feel that my life would be endangered if I spent all of my Christmas break up in some far-away land with him. I am gay and have no intentions of suppressing that around anyone (half of my college peers don't like me), not even him (except for one of my grandparents...). Not to say that I run 'round screaming obscenities, but if I like a guy and act slightly friendly or intimate towards him, or my eyes wonder after some hot dog, I don't have to slap myself for that, right? When my dad doesn't accept or want to understand homosexuality and listen to me, then that's a deadly combination; pair it with what he's trying to get me to do and you'll have war.
My mom was a lot easier to deal with, although she still showed hints of the usual roboticism. I'd much rather be with her right now, but I'm not willing to sacrifice the few good things that I have here.
I'm sorry if I sound like a fool or seem to be a hypocrite everyone. I know that God says to honor thy mother and father, but I do truly believe that there are some rare cases where this just won't work. My grandma says that I really shouldn't have to honor my father due to everything that's happened (child abuse, love of money, ignorance, immaturity, destroying people's live, etc.), but I have a much harder time of dealing with it. I feel that I honor him enough by speaking with him sometimes and listening, so therefore I don't plan to go to Alaska. My grandma and I are going to see the lawyer this Tuesday.
Thanks for reading and responding,
drewcaine

[u-dog]

I'm sorry if I sound like a fool or seem to be a hypocrite everyone.

Why would you say this? You don't sound like a fool OR a hypocrit! You sound like an angry young man whose been yanked around by someone in his life who is SUPPOSED to be on his side. I'd be angry too! (in fact... I am! :mad:)

"honoring" and "respecting" don't mean being a door mat. You honor another person when you establish healthy boundaries between yourself and that person and enforce those boundaries in an intentional and forthright way (hopefully a calm and respectful way)

When I say "boundaries" I am talking about the "space" between you and the other person, in this case your father. it is the place where YOU stop and HE begins. Also the place where HE stops and you begin. Child abuse, violence both violate the boundary. refusing to listen to or acknowledge who you are as a person violates and fundamentally disrespects your boundaries.

When you insist on respect from him you are maintaining appropriate boundaries. When you expect him to be true to his commitments you are maintaining appropriate boundaries. When you refuse to have your plans changed to suit his whim, you are maintaining appropriate boundaries. This is what healthy adults do. This is what allows you to have strong healthy relationships with others. Nothing about this "dishonors" your father.

You are simply saying: "this is who I am. this is how I expect to be treated. Accept me and treat me in this way and you can be in my life. fail to do so and you cannot be in my life. The decision is yours" He won't LIKE IT when you do this but the fact is that when you do it you are treating him with respect. you are treating him like an adult. You are being healthy and safe and you are respecting and honoring yourself at the same time. If he chooses NOT to have a relationship with you on your terms.. REMEMBER... THIS IS HIS CHOICE AND NOT YOURS. You can't make him choose rightly and you are NOT responsible for the negative consequences.

You don't have to get all Pissy with him. Its best if you are as calm and emotionally unreactive as you can manage.


Be calm, be respectful, be strong.