a week to just "be"

[keltic63]

ever find yourself longing for a period of time to just live your life quietly? no struggling, no explaining yourself, no thoughts about being outted, or worrying about discrimination, or perhaps coming out to yet another person? I feel like I'm at that point this week. Friday morning, a fellow teacher came into my classroom to talk about a job/union issue. it turned into an hour-long conversation about my personal journey, how our parents may have screwed us up, and how a person can overcome those things. i felt really blessed to have had the conversation, and I know that this person understands a bit more about the concerns of lgbt people.
This afternoon after dismissal, another teacher comes to my room, and the conversation takes the same direction. This time it was 45 minutes. Again, i'm thankful for the opportunity to reach these people and share my experiences. I get to tell them how great my life is, and tell them why (God at work in my life) and talk about some of the work that needs to be done.
But right now, I'm just aching for a period of time in which I don't have to come out to anyone, that i don't even have to talk about being gay. I just want to "be" for one week.

ever feel that way?

[Zerbie]

I'm not sure if I've ever felt that way, Keltic, but that could be because I'm attached to a man and everyone assumes I'm straight unless they ask (and 99% of folks never ask).

Do you mean you feel like you happen to be turned into a kind of spokesperson, by all these colleagues coming in to ask about your personal journey?

You mention fear of being outed? But the fact that all these colleagues approach you makes it seem you are quite OUT already. So that confused me.

When I *was* totally closeted I was working with a lot of gay bashers, and back then it disturbed and frustrated me greatly to have to be closeted (if I wanted to live) and from that position, to hear about all their gay bashings and try to persuade those guys that gays are human beings. . .I would have LOVED a week to go by without my kids looking me in the eye and asking "Why do you care Ms______? It was only a fag." So in that sense, perhaps I *have* felt something like what you feel.

We were talking on Susan's UMC thread about taking a break from it for a while - maybe you want to plan a mental break, a sort of intellectual fast from following "gay" causes and just allow yourself to be YOU, Keltic. (I'm thinking of the HRC commercial on Logo about "Tom, the token gay friend" right now. :D ) Sometimes we need the mental break, and it gets very unhealthy to be mired in heavy stuff and slow moving social causes all the time. By all means, just go *be*. Nothing could be healthier!

I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now. (((Keltic))) :love: :love: :love:

Editing this to add a bit more: Since you've said you just aren't in the mood for these conversations this week, how about you handle it, if it comes up again, by simply saying, "Now is not the best time to talk" (plead that you have papers to grade, or your kid's soccer practice, or just say you have a prior commitment right now, the prior commitment being your personal space and emotional privacy - but they don't have to know that!) and suggest that you make plans to talk at length some time in the future when you will be more in the mood to do so.

[awediot]

Hey keltic63
Sorry too bro. Yes I have and it bites...I think the term is something like compassion burn out, sympathy saturation, empathy enough already... loved to death? Whatever. It's the bane of being a careing person...

Being you posted this on Monday, sounds like you've got a long week. How about you settle for now to just be for an evening. Set Wed. or Thurs. aside, and treat yourself. Tell everyone to occupy themselves/or surround you, rent your favorite movie/unplug the TV and PC, EAT what you want, DRINK what you want, take a bubble bath/or run through the sprinklers... Then, pray in a way you never have. Find what that might mean to you--

A great escapist meditation I endulge to shut down sometimes, is ponderring Heaven. No earthly concern or worry. It is a near guilty pleasure that can be very contemplative, insightful and encouraging... Pretend what you hope for, happened. Right now... if you were restored, immortalized, degravitized, satisfied and handed a wand just for fun...

Then get up and do it again. But know we can earn the right to whine sometimes....

"Paradise, is exactly like where you are right now, only much, much better." Language is a Virus; Laurie Anderson

[keltic63]

Zerbie,

you're right, I am out. I was thinking about being outted to people who still don't know about me and may hear it from someone else.

Thanks awediot for the good ideas. and Zerbie, I think maybe I do need a little break from the issues. I'll certainly need to stay away from the UMC board!

[Vanessa White]

Hi Keltic: I just browsed the UMC boards, and I knew myself well enough that I could not give up that much of my emotional/spiritual energy right now. Yes, I feel that way on a frequent basis, I almost think the more we become who we really are as gay persons, the more out we are with those we care about, or to educate or inform, the more that we have those persons approach us, because we are so approachable. But, awediot and zerbie are right: we need to create our own boundaries for however long we need to just hang and BE. We have secluded ourselves, the three of us, in the house for a weekend to just watch Harry Potter and eat snacks all day and night, stay up late, lay in bed and talk and laugh in the morning, and sometimes not even answer the phone for a day. It reenergizes and affirms that we are, first and foremost, human beings that are just trying to live our lives. Hand the reins over to others for a few days, or however long you need. Be good to you!!!!!!!!!!!:love: :love: :love: Vanessa

[Jennifer5]

I think you were already given the best advice, I hope you can get the time you need to relax and feel more, rested.:love: :love: :love:

[keltic63]

I think you were already given the best advice, I hope you can get the time you need to relax and feel more, rested.:love: :love: :love:

I got some of that last night. my bf and I went to dinner with another couple. we had a great time just talking, eating, laughing, and throwing back a few beers.

[Jennifer5]

That's great, you should try and do that more often. I hope you enjoyed yourself.:love:

[Mia14]

I had a similar experience today, keltic. Everyone at work knows that I'm gay and in a relationship, but a new guy started at my job today. He saw the ring that my gf gave me and asked if some guy got it for me. I told him that my significant other gave it to me and that they're very important and very special to me. He asked if it was a boyfriend and I didn't feel like coming out - so I just said it was "not a boyfriend, but something like that". Afterwards I felt bad about not admitting that I'm with her, but I just didn't feel like going through that awkward first part with him today. Maybe another day..

I guess some days we aren't in the mood to share the special parts with everyone.