hi, im holly

[skip648]

...And I'm a lesbian and have been since my first crush on a girl in the 6th grade. So here's my story at this point: I am a follower of Jesus, as I believe it is the only truth. I came out 4 years ago, but was pursing the whole ex-gay thing and really trying to change, so everyone was 'supportive' and let me be. However, over the last year, I came to realize that maybe God doesn't desire change and wants me to be gay. I never fit all the 'roots' that 'made' me gay, plus I had all the 'signs' such as being a tomboy before the 'roots' happened. I am trying to accept myself but it is really hard to forget all that you believed. I told my best friend of 20 years and she has totally rejected my sexuality and has recently called my church to report me. I have a meeting with the head pastor on tuesday, which is really weird considering it is a church of over 10,000. I find my life and sexuality trivial in comparision of all that he has to deal with. I just want to accept myself and love myself, but it is really hard. I hate being in this place, and it is leaving my extremely depressed. Most of my family and friends are not happy with my 'choice' to be gay. The thing is, I have been celibate my whole life, and still am today, and never dated a guy (long-term wise or serious outside of a casual fun date) or girl. so I haven't really done anything 'wrong' except have an orientation. I dunno if this makes sense. I have no friends as they all have rejected this sexuality and I don't dare try to get close to anyone for fear that I have to go through this again or get rejected. I would love to have christian friends who are gay too, but I find it incredibly hard to meet someone, as the bars are not the best place to look. However, recently their was the play 'seven passages' that was here, so I am comforted in the fact that I'm not alone. So that's my pity-story. I am dying inside right now. I know God has a plan and loves me, but it is hard to see what it is.

[Unmasked]

We're so glad that you've found us. I just came into the community a little while ago, and honestly, this place is the reason that I still believe in Jesus. I left the Church a while ago, but these guys helped me see what it was all about. Jesus said that He would never leave us or forsake us. He loves you. He loves you because you are something that the Lord made.

There are friends and allies everywhere; you just have to look hard. There are safe places for us to go. When all else fails, be still and know.

God loves you, and so do we.

Welcome home Sis.

[u-dog]

Hi Holly,

What Robert says is true. Lots (though not all) of us are Christian and gay. God loves you the way you are. Don't stay in a place where you are going to have to listen to bad things about WHO YOU ARE! You don't HAVE to go meet with the pastor unless that is what YOU want. DOn't be bullied. COme back and let us know how the conversation went.

Acceptance and love that is conditional on you pretending to be someone other than who you are is NOT love and it is NOT ACCEPTANCE. Its like asking a black person to wear a bag over their head so we don't have to deal with the fact that they are black.

God loves you Holly! :love: We will be praying for you!:pray:

[Pablo Rafael]

It is good to have you with us.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I tried to change my orientation, hide it, ignore it. I prayed that God would give me the strength to change. For years I told God to make me straight. When I finally said to God that I wanted to follow his will for my life whatever it might be, it was as if God told me, "Finally, you idiot! I made you gay because that it how I want you to be. Stop fighting it and get busy with the work I have for you."

I'm not a person who has "revelations" from God. I am a very logical, organized, scientific person. But I am totally convinced that being Christian and gay is a great thing and it is God's will. Being gay and Christian is totally cool! (No matter what others may think.)

Here I have found much encouragement and strength. I hope you will as well.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Zerbie]

... I am trying to accept myself but it is really hard to forget all that you believed. I told my best friend of 20 years and she has totally rejected my sexuality and has recently called my church to report me. I have a meeting with the head pastor on tuesday, which is really weird considering it is a church of over 10,000. I find my life and sexuality trivial in comparision of all that he has to deal with. I just want to accept myself and love myself, but it is really hard. I hate being in this place, and it is leaving my extremely depressed. Most of my family and friends are not happy with my 'choice' to be gay. The thing is, I have been celibate my whole life, and still am today, and never dated a guy (long-term wise or serious outside of a casual fun date) or girl. so I haven't really done anything 'wrong' except have an orientation. I dunno if this makes sense.

.


Hi Holly,

Welcome. :) As you can already see by the responses you've gotten, you sure found the right place to come talk. Many (most?) of the regulars here are gay Christians. I'm one of the regulars who isn't btw.

As to your journey - I second what Dave (Udog) says: you are an adult. At 24 years old, you don't HAVE to meet with that pastor, you are not a child, so you can say "no thank you" if you wish.

What you said about you haven't "done" anything except "have an orientation," - - - you just hit upon an essential fact about the way anti-gay prejudice works. You haven't dated any girls (yet) or even boys (seriously.) You haven't done anything beyond the pale (not that it would be, if you did date another girl.) Yet your social circle is in an uproar because of your *being.* :mad:

It makes no sense at all, and we all know exactly what you're talking about because people behave in this non-sensical way all the time. Back when I was 20-ish and a virgin not dating anyone at all, a christian landlord threw me out on the street. I think he did it to demonstrate christian values and keep the immorality of my virginal student self off his property. People get weird ideas in their head based on nothing at all in reality, and then they act on them. That is what's so disturbing.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friends rejecting you. That really sucks! It hurts a lot when someone you were that close to behaves in such a way.

Your profile says you're a student? Is there a social group on campus where you can meet other LGBT students? Or, the deeper need may be to meet other gay christians. Look off campus in the neighboring towns. There might be a "gay" church, or a congregation in town that is "open and affirming." To find such, you may have to visit denominations other than your current one, but you might be pleased by the new stuff you find. Never know unless you go visit and see if you like them or not.

[Zerbie]

http://www.rslevinson.com/gaylesissues/gfg/blmichigan.htm#Grand%20Rapids

[Dumbledore]

...And I'm a lesbian and have been since my first crush on a girl in the 6th grade. So here's my story at this point: I am a follower of Jesus, as I believe it is the only truth. I came out 4 years ago, but was pursing the whole ex-gay thing and really trying to change, so everyone was 'supportive' and let me be. However, over the last year, I came to realize that maybe God doesn't desire change and wants me to be gay. I never fit all the 'roots' that 'made' me gay, plus I had all the 'signs' such as being a tomboy before the 'roots' happened. I am trying to accept myself but it is really hard to forget all that you believed. I told my best friend of 20 years and she has totally rejected my sexuality and has recently called my church to report me. I have a meeting with the head pastor on tuesday, which is really weird considering it is a church of over 10,000. I find my life and sexuality trivial in comparision of all that he has to deal with. I just want to accept myself and love myself, but it is really hard. I hate being in this place, and it is leaving my extremely depressed. Most of my family and friends are not happy with my 'choice' to be gay. The thing is, I have been celibate my whole life, and still am today, and never dated a guy (long-term wise or serious outside of a casual fun date) or girl. so I haven't really done anything 'wrong' except have an orientation. I dunno if this makes sense. I have no friends as they all have rejected this sexuality and I don't dare try to get close to anyone for fear that I have to go through this again or get rejected. I would love to have christian friends who are gay too, but I find it incredibly hard to meet someone, as the bars are not the best place to look. However, recently their was the play 'seven passages' that was here, so I am comforted in the fact that I'm not alone. So that's my pity-story. I am dying inside right now. I know God has a plan and loves me, but it is hard to see what it is.

Hi Holly, welcome to Soulforce. Your story reminded me of the summer I came out. I had just graduated from seminary and decided that I need to be honest at last about how God created me. It shattered all of my dreams for the ministry and most of my friends went running. I was deeply depressed that Summer and over the next year started to understand the alienations that the Evangelical church cause in LGBT people (I wrote an essay about this experience if you want me to email it to you).

I don't know what to tell you because the trauma of this experience affects people in different ways. I would encourage you to find a gay church, but don't rule out going to gay venues to meet people (hey, go online, put up a profile). You're going to be rebuilding your community and be patient...it just takes time. You can do all this while remaining true to your values! Really :)

Please keep coming back to Soulforce. There are many wonderful people on this forum that will support you during this time in your life.

[Gennee]

Hi Hlly and welcome to Soulforce. They are many friends here who will encourage and love :love: you for who you are.

Gennee

:wave::love:

[BruceChris]

I have my own sources of ona churches.

http://www.welcomingresources.org/oldusa2.htm

But I can't say that it is any better than Zerbie's. Please come back and visit, and post, and maybe make some friends.

If there are any colleges nearby, that are not conservatively bible based ones, they probably have Women's Studies departments, where you can meet some very enlightened women, some of whom will almost certainly be lesbians.

And there is a chapter of P-FLAG, parents, friends and family of lesbians and gays there.

PFLAG Grand Rapids
Grand Rapids, MI
info@pflaggrandrapids.org

I wish you luck in all of the new friends that you may be finding.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[antiochian]

hi sweetie! it sounds like your so called friends aren"t really friends after all! you didn"t say what kind of church you attend but by the sound of it it is probably one of those evangelical or charismatic megachurches? you will find that a huge number of us here like you cannot understand why so called christians treat lesbians gays etc the way they do honestly while theyre busy preaching about how evil it is for two men or women to sleep together three out of five people in the world are starving to death it"s such a waste of time if this church continues to mistreat you by all means take your membership elsewhere and hold your head high i hope you find the support you need here and elsewhere

[hippie4lyfe]

Hi Holly,

Welcome! I am deeply hurt, but your being hurt by friends, family, and the Church. God loves you for who you are and you are not a sinner for having an orientation or if you ever do choose to go into a romantic relationship.

I wanted to direct you and anyone looking for LGBT people outside of the bar scene to these 2 sites. I looked up Michigan your state and found resources.

http://www.lgbtcenters.org/

Also if a College Student check out:
http://www.lgbtcampus.org/directory.htm

[carolb]

Hi Holly,
It's good that you have joined this forum. Coming from a fundamentalist background, I know that it is hard to reconcile what you've been hearing all your life, with the reality of who you are. It may be too intimidating to meet with the pastor, since he will probably have a lot to say that you've already heard before.

Know that you have the support of people here both gay and straight, Christian and those from other faiths, right here at the Soulforce forums. I hope you will draw from all of our love and support as you learn to grow and accept yourself. It is so important that you know how much God loves you. :flower2:

It's good that you are here.
Carol

[u-dog]

So, did you have the meeting with the head pastor? How did it go? want to tell us about it? :love::pray:

[skip648]

Hi,
So I met with pastor golden and he gave me one thing I've needed-beyond Jesus. He gave me grace. He said that I am welcome at the church and that's he's sorry of everything that I'm going through. He is concerned with my wholeness and pursuit in Christ and that I don't go off and go crazy. He wants to get good people in my life without judgement. And if anyone is giving me problems to call him (I probably wouldn't because he's a busy guy changing the world). I have a sence of peace about it and know that I can still pursue God there AND get involved without worry of getting into 'trouble'.

On the otherhand, so I've only told my one friend here in michigan since I've moved back. Today I asked who else she told and she said that I'm a 'prayer request' amongst all my friends. I've told so far a total of my 2 friends and my sister-in-law. Now everyone knows... Saves me the trouble I suppose.

Thanks for the encouragement!

[u-dog]

Hi,
So I met with pastor golden and he gave me one thing I've needed-beyond Jesus. He gave me grace. He said that I am welcome at the church and that's he's sorry of everything that I'm going through. He is concerned with my wholeness and pursuit in Christ and that I don't go off and go crazy. He wants to get good people in my life without judgement. And if anyone is giving me problems to call him (I probably wouldn't because he's a busy guy changing the world). I have a sence of peace about it and know that I can still pursue God there AND get involved without worry of getting into 'trouble'.

On the otherhand, so I've only told my one friend here in michigan since I've moved back. Today I asked who else she told and she said that I'm a 'prayer request' amongst all my friends. I've told so far a total of my 2 friends and my sister-in-law. Now everyone knows... Saves me the trouble I suppose.

Thanks for the encouragement!


Remember that no matter what all those people are praying for ... God will HEAR the prayers that they SHOULD be praying! :) Its all good. Glad your pastor was supportive of you as a person regardless of what he might think of the "issue".

[ladyinred]

Zerbie , you were a virgin and your land lord being Christian threw you out, I thought that was their ideal.BOY WEIRD. I also thought that celebacy was their homosexual ideal if you don't want to convert to their way.Please do not let them talk you into reparative therapy or anything. I'd follow the advice of this group.They won't lead you wrong.

[BruceChris]

I want to follow up on what Ladyinred was just saying. According to some *Christians*, your (gay) "lifestyle" is only defined by who you have sex with, so if you haven't had sex with anyone, you cannot have a sexual lifestyle that is unacceptable.

Do I detect a bit of hypocracy here? You have my prayers, and my best wishes. God loves you, we love you, and God Still loves you.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[Jennifer5]

Welcome Holly, glad to have you here! :)