Well for some reason now I really want to start dating.

[superhippy7890]

That seems to happen a lot in late fall/ early winter. I really want to meet some one, but don't know how or where. And this is the one place where I can say that. Oh and hi again! Happy Blated Halloween!

[paul]

That seems to happen a lot in late fall/ early winter. I really want to meet some one, but don't know how or where. And this is the one place where I can say that. Oh and hi again! Happy Blated Halloween!

Hi super,

First suggestion if your going to do net dating, perhaps a different picture...guys are so visual :lol:. Really though, the avatar made me laugh, it's great.

[Zerbie]

Hi super,

First suggestion if your going to do net dating, perhaps a different picture...guys are so visual :lol:. Really though, the avatar made me laugh, it's great.

Paul, fyi, Brian (super) is like, 15. So I totally advise against internet dating - can be dangerous in all cases, but especially for a such a young, and gay, person. Too many dangerous folk out there.

Brian - any place you can go in your area that is safe to meet other gay teens?

[superhippy7890]

Just a youth group i go to, but they are all older tham me and/ or taken. I live obn a smallish island so no not really.

[Pablo Rafael]

I hear you, Brian!
I really want to start dating too!



Why does that sound so much better coming from a 15 year old than a 46 year old?:confused:

[u-dog]

I hear you, Brian!
I really want to start dating too!



Why does that sound so much better coming from a 15 year old than a 46 year old?:confused:


Be patient Brian!! at 15 waiting is hard but probably wise. At 46 its just pathetic! (Just kidding Pablo! We love you! Some people are just late bloomers! :love:) And you are one hot ticket for a 46 year old. you'll be making up for lost time soon enough!;)

[Pablo Rafael]

Be patient Brian!! at 15 waiting is hard but probably wise. At 46 its just pathetic! (Just kidding Pablo! We love you! Some people are just late bloomers! :love:) And you are one hot ticket for a 46 year old. you'll be making up for lost time soon enough!;)

Don't you just have to love this guy!!

[BrianB]

I hear you, Brian!
I really want to start dating too!



Why does that sound so much better coming from a 15 year old than a 46 year old?:confused:

Hey, Pablo. How do you feel about dating a forty-four year old Brian?;):o

[paul]

Paul, fyi, Brian (super) is like, 15. So I totally advise against internet dating - can be dangerous in all cases, but especially for a such a young, and gay, person. Too many dangerous folk out there.

Brian - any place you can go in your area that is safe to meet other gay teens?

oh gee, 15? really?? backpeddle, backpeddle. I retract my former quip about internet dating. I agree with zerbie and u-dog about patience...sort of. It's our culture, we come of age sexually around, well, young. But our culture just isn't set up for committed relationship at the same age. Sigh, we just don't want you hurt, Brian, by all the pitfalls that are out there...so be careful about giving your heart away. At this point, my input would be to try and find guys near your age, they will be able to relate to you and you to them. Relationship is a mirror where we can see ourselves and others can see their selves in relationship with us.
good luck

[Pablo Rafael]

Hey, Pablo. How do you feel about dating a forty-four year old Brian?;):o

Hmmm... sounds good, Brian. I will put you down on the list.

[loug]

I've been having that 'I want to date' feeling, too. I hate feeling that way, but, ah well--this longing is natural!

Hm, there is a cute boy down at Whole Foods....;)

[NathanATX]

I'm going to be speaking about dating this week at Bar Church, here in Tulsa. http://www.myspace.com/barchurchtulsa

I'll upload the link to the iTunes podcast as soon it is ready.

In the meantime, here are a few books to read:

"If the Buddha Dated"
"Permanent Partners"
"Finding the Boyfriend Within"
"The Four Agreements"

(Reading those four books is something I ask guys I date to do...)

[NathanATX]

And I wanted to mention something else...

When you're feeling like this, pay attention to what your heart is telling you.

When you're hungry, your stomach will growl and may even hurt... until you feed yourself.

In the same way, feeling the desire to date may be a natural, healthy, joyful feeling... or it could be because you're really wanting to be known, to be connected intimately to someone. It may be your heart's way of telling you that you need some emotional tlc. I would recommend looking at meeting those needs through creating and deepening relationships with friends & family.

peace,
Nate

[dsdrane]

In the meantime, here are a few books to read:

"If the Buddha Dated"
"Permanent Partners"
"Finding the Boyfriend Within"
"The Four Agreements"

(Reading those four books is something I ask guys I date to do...)

I have no idea how to ask this without sounding hopelessly sarcastic, but...

...how does this work for you?

Is this some sort of literary/spiritual litmus test? Please explain.

[NathanATX]

I have no idea how to ask this without sounding hopelessly sarcastic, but...

...how does this work for you?

Is this some sort of literary/spiritual litmus test? Please explain.

I'm looking for a guy who is committed to having a great life, to creating an incredible relationship & family, to making a huge difference in the world.

If he isn't somehow interested in self-development, I'm not likely to connect with him well. And, if he isn't interested in how I think about relationships... and those books do a great job informing my way of thinking... then he probably isn't very interested in me.

I'm not saying "here, read these book before we can go out," but if we discover some possibility of creating a relationship I believe we will both want to be on the same page. Books can help with that. Counseling can help with that. Being mentored by people in great relationships can help as well.

I, personally, have given up the right to be unintentional with my dating behavior.

[dsdrane]

I'm looking for a guy who is committed to having a great life, to creating an incredible relationship & family, to making a huge difference in the world.

If he isn't somehow interested in self-development, I'm not likely to connect with him well. And, if he isn't interested in how I think about relationships... and those books do a great job informing my way of thinking... then he probably isn't very interested in me.

I don't particularly follow this logic, and it seems to me rather unforgiving.

I'm not saying "here, read these book before we can go out,"....

Maybe not, but you seem to be saying: read; digest; understand where I'm coming from vis-a-vis these books and agree, before we go any further. Does it not seem to you like some sort of pre-nuptual agreement?

The only growth you seem to be looking for, Nathan, is growth on your terms.

I, personally, have given up the right to be unintentional with my dating behavior.

This pre-supposes what: that you have been unintentional in your past dating relationship? Or are you talking about others? I'm confused.

Superhippy7890 started this thread because he's feeling the desire to date. Zerbie has, helpfully, let those of us who didn't know that Superh. is a wee lad.

Why don't we let him swim freely in love's waters without weighing him down with our own lessons, eh? Oh sure, we can tell him to be safe and take care of himself...remember to breathe, etc., but do we really want to start generalizing about our own experiences...whether we're 30...or 40...or have dumped...or been dumped...no matter how many times?

Books are great...I have had and continue to have my own love affair with books, and I imagine I will in the future, but no writing -- last of all someone else's -- should substitute for someone's heart, eyes, and their own words and actions. Ever.

[BrianB]

Hmmm... sounds good, Brian. I will put you down on the list.
I'm on the list!!! Yea!!!!! Now, how do I get to Colorado?:running:

[NathanATX]

I don't particularly follow this logic, and it seems to me rather unforgiving.

Maybe not, but you seem to be saying: read; digest; understand where I'm coming from vis-a-vis these books and agree, before we go any further. Does it not seem to you like some sort of pre-nuptual agreement?

The only growth you seem to be looking for, Nathan, is growth on your terms.

This pre-supposes what: that you have been unintentional in your past dating relationship? Or are you talking about others? I'm confused.

Superhippy7890 started this thread because he's feeling the desire to date. Zerbie has, helpfully, let those of us who didn't know that Superh. is a wee lad.

Why don't we let him swim freely in love's waters without weighing him down with our own lessons, eh? Oh sure, we can tell him to be safe and take care of himself...remember to breathe, etc., but do we really want to start generalizing about our own experiences...whether we're 30...or 40...or have dumped...or been dumped...no matter how many times?

Books are great...I have had and continue to have my own love affair with books, and I imagine I will in the future, but no writing -- last of all someone else's -- should substitute for someone's heart, eyes, and their own words and actions. Ever.

Dear friend,
I think what you're reacting to is a sense that by trying to plan/control/negotiate my path, I am voiding the possibility for spontaneous love to show up. That's certainly possible, but in my experience, having a map, talking to someone who's been down a certain road, etc., all help to increase the possibility of finding/creating/realizing the desired end result.

I believe that many, if not most, young LGBT people have a much more difficult time dating than their hetero peers do.

The main reasons are: lack of mentors and role models to pattern themselves after; lack of societal and cultural norms for LGBT dating; homophobia and heterosexism; and the list goes on...

I believe it is very important to share ourselves in ways that can possibly guide others... who may be navigating waters that we've already been through.

Have you ever known anyone who was forced to learn how to swim by an adult simply tossing them in the water and saying "swim"? I think that teaching, advising and mentoring our LGBT young people can greatly ease the difficulty they experience as they grow and learn through life's milestones.

Peace,
Nate

[u-dog]

I;m not going to enter this conversation except to say that i am listening intently to you both and am hearing things from each of you to which I am resonating.

Can I encourage you both to resist the temptation to polarize your conversation? i think the truth here has a foot in each of your perspectives and it would be helpful to see what that truth looks like as you continue your conversation. :)

[dsdrane]

Dear friend,
I think what you're reacting to is a sense that by trying to plan/control/negotiate my path, I am voiding the possibility for spontaneous love to show up. That's certainly possible, but in my experience, having a map, talking to someone who's been down a certain road, etc., all help to increase the possibility of finding/creating/realizing the desired end result.

I believe that many, if not most, young LGBT people have a much more difficult time dating than their hetero peers do.

The main reasons are: lack of mentors and role models to pattern themselves after; lack of societal and cultural norms for LGBT dating; homophobia and heterosexism; and the list goes on...

I believe it is very important to share ourselves in ways that can possibly guide others... who may be navigating waters that we've already been through.

Have you ever known anyone who was forced to learn how to swim by an adult simply tossing them in the water and saying "swim"? I think that teaching, advising and mentoring our LGBT young people can greatly ease the difficulty they experience as they grow and learn through life's milestones.

Peace,
Nate


I'll try to be clearer. I think the thing I tripped over in your original and subsequent posts is that your advice seems to me a bit premature. Your reasoning is all a priori.

If we really want to guide, nurture, etc., we might advocate not dating at all right now. Superhippy is, what, 15? Personally, I don't think anyone should be dating (unless by dating you mean friends gathering at the mall or seeing a movie) -- at this age, gay or straight. And sex? Fuhgedaboutit!

I don't doubt your desire to be helpful by sharing your particular path, but I do question how germane it is to Super's situation right now.

[dsdrane]

...In the same way, feeling the desire to date may be a natural, healthy, joyful feeling... or it could be because you're really wanting to be known, to be connected intimately to someone. It may be your heart's way of telling you that you need some emotional tlc. I would recommend looking at meeting those needs through creating and deepening relationships with friends & family.

Upon a second reading, I do notice you advocate the above.

But this doesn't seem adequate either...mainly because of the very real hormones rushing around.

Where is the middle ground between being (in my view) too young to (seriously) date and certainly too young to be looking for a husband (or wife) and seriously addressing the desire to love and be loved (even if chastely, initially)?

Where is our merry band of youngins when you need them? One of your own is wanting to crush on someone...what say all of you: Jorge, Jennifer, Austin, et al.?

[George Wang]

Hmmm. I wonder if you would feel the same way about dating at 45?
Good on you to put yourself out. Why not? it's human to want love. Enjoy, don't overthink. Lol.

At my age, I am thinking of never having another relationship again. Don't get me wrong. I am still in love with my life partner of almost a decade, and would not leave him to be alone again. Just in case though, I know I won't be too overwhelmed by it, and won't be dating at all; friends are just fine.

[NathanATX]

Upon a second reading, I do notice you advocate the above.

But this doesn't seem adequate either...mainly because of the very real hormones rushing around.

Where is the middle ground between being (in my view) too young to (seriously) date and certainly too young to be looking for a husband (or wife) and seriously addressing the desire to love and be loved (even if chastely, initially)?

Where is our merry band of youngins when you need them? One of your own is wanting to crush on someone...what say all of you: Jorge, Jennifer, Austin, et al.?

Yeah, I realize what you're saying.

I'm having to do a lot of research for my job about suicide prevention, drug/alcohol abuse prevention, std prevention, etc., for youth.

It seems that kids often get dismissed with "you're too young to know what you want/fall in love/be depressed/etc." But the young people are saying that they are feeling these things, doing these things, and thinking about these things.

The youth that I'm interacting with want to be empowered, educated and affirmed.

Is 15 too young for conversations about love, intimacy & dating? I don't know. Let's ask the young man. :)

[dsdrane]

Yeah, I realize what you're saying.

I'm having to do a lot of research for my job about suicide prevention, drug/alcohol abuse prevention, std prevention, etc., for youth.

It seems that kids often get dismissed with "you're too young to know what you want/fall in love/be depressed/etc." But the young people are saying that they are feeling these things, doing these things, and thinking about these things.

The youth that I'm interacting with want to be empowered, educated and affirmed.

Is 15 too young for conversations about love, intimacy & dating? I don't know. Let's ask the young man. :)

I'm an alumnus of GMHC [Gay Men's Heath Crisis] from back in the day, and I'm all about educating and empowering. I did my bit with ACT-UP and Queer Nation, too.

I believe fervently in equipping people -- youth obviously included -- with the tools they need to make educated choices, especially in high-risk situations.

That said, would it really be so bad to counsel young people to not rush things (assuming things haven't been rushed already)? Lord knows, they don't have to listen to us, but I feel like we should at least take the opportunity to give it a go.

Think of it as playing against type.

[NathanATX]

I'm an alumnus of GMHC [Gay Men's Heath Crisis] from back in the day, and I'm all about educating and empowering. I did my bit with ACT-UP and Queer Nation, too.

I believe fervently in equipping people -- youth obviously included -- with the tools they need to make educated choices, especially in high-risk situations.

That said, would it really be so bad to counsel young people to not rush things (assuming things haven't been rushed already)? Lord knows, they don't have to listen to us, but I feel like we should at least take the opportunity to give it a go.

Think of it as playing against type.

Oh definitely!!! My hope would be that by learning about sex, dating, relationships, etc., in a positive and affirming way as a young adult/teenager, that the young person would be empowered to make choices in light of the "big picture" of their lives. For example, they would learn about emotional/mental maturity differences between teenagers and adults, and how being less developed emotionally/mentally leads to the possibility of making narrowly-focused choices... choices that are often regretted. Like having sex too early, like starting smoking, like using drugs, etc... And so the young person consciously decides to wait to date, have sex etc., until they feel they can go down that path being completely present and responsible for themselves.

[u-dog]

I'm with you about the advisability of waiting to make big decisions like smoking, drugs, having sex etc until a young person is old enough to take the whole big picture into account (like.. you know... 40 is probably safe) But 15-20 is an appropriate age to start dating (not f***ing). Dating is about exploring the nature of intimate relationships, your own heart, your own needs and how they relate to another person. There are studies that suggest that often GLBT people in their twenties either put their careers on hold while they explore intimate relationship or put intimate relationship on hold while they develop their careers, precisely because they didn't have their teens available for dating (because of homophobia )

[tpdncr4christ]

I think there is something in the water... cause I got three numbers in the last week and I wasn't even trying! :D O well... I wish at least one guy would pass my screening process. That would be nice.

[Zerbie]

I think there is something in the water... cause I got three numbers in the last week and I wasn't even trying! :D.

That could be it, Austin. Seriously. Not trying to attract guys tends to attract them, believe me, I know. :rolleyes:

:lol: There was this time in high school when my best friend dropped by my house unannounced with some new friend of his who I had never met before. I was wearing sweats, had messy hair, no makeup, and even wearing gi-normous fuzzy slippers and - - the guy just meeting me then? Thought I was like, the cutest girl. :confused::p:lol:

Anyway - screening process?? I hope we're talking stuff like "not a psycho-stalker," "not a violent drug-abuser" type stuff here, and not some kind of impossible to pass amazingly unrealistic standards. That could make finding dates a leeeeetle bit difficult (but when you start talking forever-partner, DO stick to very high standards and don't settle for less.) Anyway - for a movie date, maybe you could lower 'em a little eensy bit and just go out and have fun.

[tpdncr4christ]

Anyway - screening process??

Like they have to make me laugh, they have to make me smjile and make my chest feel warm and fuzzy, we should be able to talk about anything forever and not really care what we are actually saying. We can't just meet and say BEDROOM! cause that's just not cool... you know? I want a relationship... not just a toy... :rolleyes::p:lol::love::D

[NathanATX]

Anyone remember this song from QAF season 1?

"you think you're a man, you are only a boy
you think you're a man, you are only a toy
you think you're a man, but you just chouldn't see...
you weren't man enough to satisfy me..."

[u-dog]

Like they have to make me laugh, they have to make me smjile and make my chest feel warm and fuzzy, we should be able to talk about anything forever and not really care what we are actually saying. We can't just meet and say BEDROOM! cause that's just not cool... you know? I want a relationship... not just a toy... :rolleyes::p:lol::love::D

I'm no expert, obviously, but these do not seem to be unreasonable criteria to me. You may not have this kind of rapport on the first date of course so you need to cut the potential candidates a little slack early on...:cool:

[Zerbie]

Like they have to make me laugh, they have to make me smjile and make my chest feel warm and fuzzy, we should be able to talk about anything forever and not really care what we are actually saying. We can't just meet and say BEDROOM! cause that's just not cool... you know? I want a relationship... not just a toy... :rolleyes::p:lol::love::D

Okay, sounds mostly like "not a psycho-killer" type criteria to me. Looking for a combination of depth plus, as my mom always puts it, "chemistry." :p

[cartierobert]

I go through phases myself. Sometimes I am eager to date and sometimes I feel like I can do without a relationship altogether. I think it depends on how good of friends I have around me.

I have not actually dated since I came out.