New from OKC.

[shadesofgray21]

Hello everyone,

I'm Phillip. I'm in Oklahoma City, was raised Catholic, and am twenty years of age. I've admired the work of Soulforce from the age of seventeen, when I purchased Mel White's "Stranger at the Gate", and immediately felt some sort of connection. I can't believe it took me nearly four years to join the community!

[Zerbie]

Howdy Phillip. :cowboy::wave:
Welcome! Glad you stopped waiting and said hello. Come back and join the discussions - this is a wonderful place.

[u-dog]

Glad you are here Phillip! Join in the conversation and let us get to know you a little. Mel's book is important to a LOT of us. Most of us wouldn't be here if we hadn't read his book. (I meant "here" as in on the soulforce forums ... but I suspect that there are lots of people who wouldn't be HERE ON PLANET EARTH anymore if they hadn't read that book)

[paul]

Hiya Phlip,

:wave:.

Hopefully you won't wait another 4 years to participate. Now that you've joined, do jump in. Come in and know us better...and give us the same opportunity.
paul

[Gennee]

Welcome to Soulforce, Phillip. Join in on the fun.

Gennee

:love::wave:

[antiochian]

Hi!! I never read Mel White's first book, but Religion Gone Bad blew me out of the water.

[u-dog]

Hi!! I never read Mel White's first book, but Religion Gone Bad blew me out of the water.

You should read "stranger at the Gate" I think that its even better than RGB. It has certainly saved a lot of lives over the years.

[Dumbledore]

Hello everyone,

I'm Phillip. I'm in Oklahoma City, was raised Catholic, and am twenty years of age. I've admired the work of Soulforce from the age of seventeen, when I purchased Mel White's "Stranger at the Gate", and immediately felt some sort of connection. I can't believe it took me nearly four years to join the community!

Welcome Phillip! Come back often...we have some great discussions on here.

[shadesofgray21]

Well, thank you so much for welcoming me! I can't wait to get into the discussion around here.

[Zerbie]

You should read "stranger at the Gate" I think that its even better than RGB. It has certainly saved a lot of lives over the years.

Another thing we agree on. 'Stranger' is definitely better written than RGB - though the content of both is good.

[Dumbledore]

Well, thank you so much for welcoming me! I can't wait to get into the discussion around here.

You should share more about yourself so we can get to know you more.

[shadesofgray21]

Well, here goes the getting to know me better. BE READY TO GET COMFY. jk.

*NOTE: I put the word "saved" in quotations, not because I am mocking it or the concept, I just feel as though we are all truly SAVED by Jesus Christ, as he is the SAVIOR, so I feel that "getting saved" is somewhat irrelevant, in the sense that our relationship with Jesus has always been there, "getting saved" is often used as a separation tactic by the evangelical church.*


I've lived in Oklahoma my entire life.. yes.. and I am still alive, by the grace of God. So..in a nut shell, I was raised Catholic, up until the age of fifteen, when I decided I didn't want to be confirmed. I decided that, mostly due to the fact that I knew I was gay, and felt that something was wrong with me. I attended a huge evangelical "FISH" revival, and that night, decided I wanted to be "saved". I had been having a difficult time with being gay, as I have said, and in my sixteen year old thinking, getting "saved" would change all of that - not to mention the fact that my best friend had recently been "saved".

Being raised Catholic, I was never one for the hand waving, charismatic worship. I'm pretty sure we're all familiar with how the "process" of "getting saved" goes, so I won't go into that. After the event, my BEST friend started talking to me about how now that I was truly a saved Christian, I need to turn from my homosexuality. Me, wanting to do the "right" thing, was completely convinced that this is what needed to be done. After going through the life long teasing, ridicule, and resulting depression in my early teens, I thought for sure that this was it - my new relationship with Jesus Christ was going to be my ticket out of this sinful flaw that was within me. I mean, being on the brink of suicide at fifteen years old, by the age of sixteen, I was ready to find a solution.

And so, it began. Two of my very dear, closest friends, both of whom had recently been "saved", (what my Mem-Maw would have called "baby Christians) were ready to do whatever necessary to help me come out of the pit of despair that this homosexuality had thrown me into. We read the scriptures, went to their church services, and I even confided in them when I was feeling the "urges". I was convinced I was going to beat this. Around this time, one of the well-known gay guys that we went to high school with, had committed suicide. I don't know all of the reasons, but the much talked-about cause was the fact that he just couldn't handle being gay anymore. This entire group of people that my two closest friends had been acquainted with since joining their respective churches were convinced that my homosexuality must be taken care of, or I was going to end up just the same.

The majority of this small clique did believe that - all except for one. This guy, named P for all intents and purposes here, had a secret he'd been keeping from his Baptist-leaning group of Christian friends. He, too, was gay, but wouldn't dare tell anyone. P came from a good, Nazarene family; played football, was in several choirs, worked out often, and drove a pickup. There was no way P was gay. Of course, me being me, I knew better. When we would all hang out together, P would always make an effort to talk to me. We started hanging out together, sometimes just he & I. I knew something was there, but, going through what I was at the time, I attempted to convince myself I was imagining things. I even went as far as to discuss my feelings with my two closest friends, and immediately, their responses were, "There's no way P's gay. He likes girls. I know he does, he even had a girlfriend last year. There's no way." Little did they know.

----
Okay.. Part 2 coming soon! I promise, this is ALL necessary. :)

[Zerbie]

Ohh, man. . . I'm just sighing with heartache over all the tribulations you've been through. And that poor young man who commited suicide.

I'm so sorry.
:(

We're glad you're here. :):love:

[u-dog]

OKAY! don't leave us hanging for long! You are a good writer and this is a good story! (in spite of the tragic bits) Tell us the rest! We want more...More...MORE !!! I hate cliff hangers :(

[paul]

You are a good writer jk. This is kind of cool. This is a great way for us to get to know you.

P

[shadesofgray21]

Okay... part 2!
---

P & I spent the entire summer hanging out together, just having fun. We enjoyed one another's company, and it was apparent that we had some sort of connection. This, understandably, concerned our group of "friends" as they began to realize what was taking place. I had no idea of what would unfold over the following school year, but nothing could have prepared me for what was about to take place.

****

To fully comprehend the upcoming events, I am going to give you a bit more background. As I have stated before, when I came to the realization that I was gay, I also became depressed. The realization, along with years of ridicule and torment in middle & high schools, really began to weigh on me. As I stated, I was, at one point, suicidal. I began treatment for my depression towards the end of ninth grade. Come my sophmore year, I came out to many in my school. This resulted in heated argument with a friend one night, and then evolved into death threats.

At this point, it was much more than I could handle. I spoke to my mother, and we came to decision that she was going to remove me from school. I was more than relieved, and spent the following months healing. This all lead up to the "getting saved". When I was "saved", I came under the impression that I was no longer depressed, and stopped my treatment at my own accord. That, combined with everything that was about to happen, would prove to be the worst decision I had ever made.

****

Back to the present time, the summer was drawing to a close. It had been a turbulent, but wonderful time. I had been "saved", met many new friends, and had even improved my relationships with old ones. I was beating the lingering plague of homosexuality. I felt so inspired, so empowered, that I had decided to go back to school. It was a new me, a better me. I felt as though I was on top of the world.

As everyone busied themselves preparing for the upcoming school year, our group slowly began to seperate. Pairs or small fragments of the clique would spend time together, but it was becoming more difficult to get everyone together at the same time. Consequently, P and I would be satisfied with just spending time together. He was preparing for college, I was preparing to return to the very school I had previously left. The school year began, and the friends that I had spent the entire summer with, began to pull away. There was a substantial amount of underlying tension, due to P and I spending time together. Everyone acted as though things were okay, but they were never subtle in the expression of their disappointment in me "encouraging my temptation" by spending time with P.

I don't know if it was the fact that I knew it was coming, or the fact that my depression was returning, but I had this feeling that things were about to escalate in a very undesirable fashion. By now, I knew that P and I were more than friends, we just had yet to express it. I was so happy, being back at school, it felt as if I were starting over. In all of the happiness, something in me was saying, "Phillip, get ready". Looking back on it now, this was God's way of giving me a foreshadowing glimpse of what was on the horizon.

Two weeks after school had begun, I knew the tide was shifting. Our group of friends had all but stopped speaking to one another, too involved in the current happenings of being back into high school life. It was also increasingly apparent that I was not fitting into their perfect, Christian plan. P and I were still managing to spend time together, him even joining me at lunch a handful of times. And, it happened. One Friday night, while hanging out at my house, we were wrestling about on my bed. While playing, I managed to come face to face with him. I looked at him, smiled, and then kissed him. He responded by kissing back. I knew, from this day foward, that my life would never be the same again.

As P did many nights over the summer, he ended up staying the night that night. This time, it was different. We were together. We hadn't said, but it didn't need to be spoken. We just knew. The next day, he went home. We made plans to go on our first official date. We also knew this had to stay quiet, another thing that went mostly unspoken. His parents, being older and quite Fundamentalist in their Christian thinking, would have none of it. My family, although much more accepting and aware that I was gay, would put several limitations on our relationship had they known we were together.

Over just the next few weeks, things unfolded very quickly. Although elated by the aspect of being in this wonderful relationship, there was a great cloud of weight being put on my shoulders. I, in my mind, still had to fight this. This is wrong, after all, it's an abomination to the God that I have loved and trusted my entire life. As our group of friends had grown apart, our relationship and myself inparticular, had become a target for those opposed to us. The two people I had considered my best friends had turned against me, accusing me of causing P to fall into sin. According to these people, I was lost, broken, the victim of spiritual warfare, all but demented. I was a lost cause. The arguments were convincing, mostly due to the fact that my friends were using God as their cause. I had, consequently, convinced myself that I had turned my back on God and his plan for me.

Through this rollercoaster of emotional torment, it never occurred to me that my depression was returning. I felt as though this attack from all angles was my due punishment for my homosexuality. P's mother had begun to suspect something, and wrote him a letter. In this letter, she stated that he must "repent of this abominable sin, or reap the consequences". At this point, P decided that we needed to break up. All of this heartbreak, and then the breakup. We both knew that we were bigger than all of this, but in the midst, it was hard to see through the clouds. We made the decision to stay strong and united, no matter how difficult things may get.

The word difficult became an understatement. My best friends continued their tyrants; online, in person, on the phone. One of P's former friends even drove by my house yelling things that shouldn't have been yelled. I was being looked down on by nearly everyone I encountered. I attempted to attend church with P, as he was a very active member. He was involved in the praise & worship team, and has a very wonderful bass voice. The looks and the tone of voice that I had been spoken to by people I encountered at this church was beyond degrading, in that saccharine sweet "Christian" way.

Needless to say, this was all taking it's toll on me. On top of everything, the teasing and ridicule at school had begun again. I was alone. I ate alone, walked alone, sat alone. I was isolated in a school of two-thousand people. Remarks would be made as I walked down the hall. Things would be said in the middle of class. The previous year's ridicule and torment paled in comparision to what I was feeling at this time. The year previously, I had teachers who were friends to me, supported me, knew what was going on, and stood by me. A dear friend & teacher of mine, my choir teacher, had been a source of strength for me during the struggles of the year before. I turned to her this time, and was met by the same homophobic brand of "Christianity" that I was being abused by in my life outside of school. I went to her for the advice, love, & support that I had experienced from her before. This time was considerably different.

I walked into my choir teacher's office broken, hurt, crying on the inside. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay, it would all blow over. What I recieved, however, was quite the opposite. I told her what was going on. At this point, P and I had not admitted we were in a relationship, but it was still a somewhat known fact.

The stress was killing me. My face was convered in severe acne. I had little self-esteem. It took everything in me to get out of bed and go to school. What I needed in this moment was someone to say, "Phillip, I love you. It's going to be okay,". What I recieved was, "Phillip, my husband and I are were saved about a year ago. We are an accountability couple for a guy at my church who is dealing with the same demons that you are right now. It's a struggle, but he's doing it. Anytime he feels that urge, he calls us. If he's in a bad part of town, he calls. I'm there for him and let him know that he can beat this."

It became apparent to me that the love, friendship, and trust I had shared with this teacher of mine had changed dramatically. I was now the lost boy fighting the demons of homosexuality. I didn't know where to turn for support. What was I going to do? In my fifteen year old mind, I didn't need my family. I could handle this. This was my fight, not theirs. I continued to attend church with P, but at this point, I was questioning God's love for me, and vice versa. I couldn't get any lower. It wasn't humanly possible. My two best friends had abandoned me. I was being beaten down for who I was, and who I loved. I literally had nowhere to turn. I had no friends. My teachers could tell I was wasting away in front of them. I did just enough work to get by. Three days out of five, I couldn't bring myself to get up and go to school. Just writing this and recounting all of it is extremely emotional.

*Part 3 coming soon!*

[Zerbie]

Oh Phillip, I am so sorry. :'(

I can't imagine how devastating it must have been to go to your choir teacher as the one last supporter you trusted and have your expectation dashed. :( After everything else!

I am just so sorry. I wish there would have been some way for people around you to have been supportive of who you are and how you felt, and give you room to experience respect and self-respect, instead of rejection and depression. It also makes me angry that there is so much opposition to creating affirming environments in high schools - such an environment might have made such a difference for you, and so many other innocent kids.

I'm glad you survived all of that, and see how wrong that mistreatment was.

[u-dog]

Phillip,

I am SO SORRY that you had to go through this. I'm sorry that "Christian" people were so conceited and arrogant that they presumed to tell you what your life means. :disagree:

[shadesofgray21]

-----------Part 3 --------------

The following months would prove to be the worst I had ever experienced. Logically thinking, I knew my depression was back in full force, but all of the mudd in my mind kept telling me it was my punishment. P's family tried hard to love me, but at that time, they couldn't look past the sin. The speculation at the church was at an all-time high. I finally told my parents we were together, in January. My family just embraced me whole heartedly, and my parents did nothing but love us both.

Come the new year, things began to turn around. The fight against the "friends" was far from over, but I wasn't allowing it to dictate my life anymore. I was determined to be who I was, and was ready to fight. I made friends with my English teacher, Mrs. V. She was one of the most loving, caring, wonderful individuals I had ever met. She was TRULY a God-send. She made every effort to understand me. She allowed me to switch to one of her other hours when kids in my class were making remarks. There was a group of kids discussing me one day, and I was told by more than one person that she shut down their conversations, and threatened them with detention. I finally had an ally.

I knew the church situation was about to boil over. Christ's Church was one of those that gossiped about everyone as they walked by, but underneath their breath, where it wasn't heard. In all the rough, though, was a diamond. Her name was Roxeanne. She was the church pianist. Roxeanne was diagnosed with lupus, but when her health allowed, she walked herself up to the stage and played that piano for the Lord. She came over one Sunday, and sat next to P and I. You could tell by the look in her eyes, she knew, and had to say nothing. She knew the pain, she knew the speculation, and she could see the hurt. All she had to do was smile and lean over and touch my leg, and at that moment, I felt okay. It was momentary, but P & I both knew we had the support of someone truly special.

Then, it came. I heard from several people in the music department that my choir teacher and former best friend were heard discussing our relationship and MY faith on a bus ride to a choir contest. To think that two people that I formerly trusted and loved were questioning my faith and my relationship, I was enraged. I was hurt, betrayed, and most of all, angry. The moment I found out, I did something I had not done in many months. I prayed. I cried, I screamed, I yelled, but I prayed.

I was slowly breaking through. I could feel my spirit rising from the ashes, coming up for air. I went back to my doctor. After these last few months, I realized that a portion of my anguish was due to the fact that I allowed my depression to go untreated. I was put back on medication. I felt some relief, just knowing I was getting helped. My skin was still awful, but very slowly began to clear. After the betrayal of my teacher, I fought the school to allow me to be transferred to our accelerated education program, much like a more in-depth GED. After a few letter addressing the situation written by my mother on my behalf, the school was more than helpful, seeing as though they didn't want this going to the press. Looking back on it, I wish we had, but everything happens for a reason.

When I transferred to the alternative education program, I had approximately two years worth of curriculum to complete. I made the decision, after waking up on my own for the first time in what seemed like months, that I was going to graduate in May. I entered the program in March. I had two and one-half months to complete two years worth of work, so that I could walk across the stage in May. With the support of my family and the few new friends I had, I did it. I walked across that stage, and said goodbye to the heartache that was my high school experience.

During all of this, P & I were told by the music director of the church that we needed to all have a talk. We all met at Roxeanne's home; the director, P & I, my mother, and Roxeanne. Someone who attended the church had gone to the heads of the church to discuss our relationship. The managing staff decided that due to this abominable sin, P could no longer sing on the praise & worship team. We were told that we were welcome to attend service, they just "couldn't have a person battling homosexuality in a leadership position in the church. We'd be sending the message that this is okay, and we can't do that. We have a responsibility to follow God's will as a church.".

Roxeanne was as hurt as we were. Sadly, her health declined to a point where she was no longer to attend the church she had served for several years, but she said she no longer felt that it was where she needed to be. P & I thanked the music director for his time, but decided we would no longer be attending service there. I looked at him and said, "Thank you, Barry, for your invitation, but I refuse to be somewhere I am not welcome." The look on his face said it all. It later came out that this was all thanks to my former best friend. He also attended the church, but was deeply involved in the youth program, therefore we never encountered him. We were told he was the one that went to the music director & head pastor. I was betrayed, but not surprised.

So, I graduated. I had decided to go to barber college. I had always had a knack for doing hair. I was just ready to move on from this horrible expeience. P had taken everything in stride. He let it just roll off of him effortlessly. He was like this tower of strength, never bending or breaking. I was still reeling, still healing, still struggling with my faith.

[Zerbie]

Oh my!! What a roller coaster ride that was!

Thank God your parents stand by you. Thank God Mrs V and Roxeanne were allies. And, I'm also saying thanks for your parents, Mrs V, and Roxeanne. :):pray:

I am so insulted and offended on your behalf, and especially on P's behalf for the way that choir director behaved. And who is HE that he dares to make such a judgment call? He should be ashamed of his behavior. Someday he will be, when he understands that Jesus himself was looking at him from inside P's eyes, being rejected along with P.

Thank you for being willing to share all of that with us. You've been incredibly open.

Are you okay right now, having relived all of this in the re-telling?

Before I sign off, I'd like you to know that I greatly admire your courage, the toughness and insight with which you fought off so many assaults on your dignity, your privacy, your self-respect, and in many ways on your very being. You are one strong and noble soul. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

[shadesofgray21]

Oh my!! What a roller coaster ride that was!

Thank God your parents stand by you. Thank God Mrs V and Roxeanne were allies. And, I'm also saying thanks for your parents, Mrs V, and Roxeanne. :):pray:

I am so insulted and offended on your behalf, and especially on P's behalf for the way that choir director behaved. And who is HE that he dares to make such a judgment call? He should be ashamed of his behavior. Someday he will be, when he understands that Jesus himself was looking at him from inside P's eyes, being rejected along with P.

Thank you for being willing to share all of that with us. You've been incredibly open.

Are you okay right now, having relived all of this in the re-telling?

Before I sign off, I'd like you to know that I greatly admire your courage, the toughness and insight with which you fought off so many assaults on your dignity, your privacy, your self-respect, and in many ways on your very being. You are one strong and noble soul. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

Zerbie,

Thank you so much for your responses. I have recently come to a place, where, it's time for me to talk. As you'll read in the next part that I have yet to write, I've spent the past four years running from anything that reminded me of the pain. I've wanted nothing to do with church, religion, any of it. I just wanted to immerse myself in a gay-friendly environment and stay there forever, hence the decision to go into hair. I really just had an epiphany recently - I was given this for a reason. The more I pray about it, the more I realize I need to talk, I need to serve, I need to love. I need to share my story with as many as possible, because no one deserves to feel alone. The rest of my story up until now is really the most inspiring part.

To answer your question - yes, I am fine. :) If I'm going to do it, it's going to be uncomfortable at first. It's going to hurt a little, but the best way to heal is to let it out. I want to help - it's something that MUST be done. There are so many youth out there, dealing with not only being gay, but feeling unloved, rejected, and outcast from their homes of faith, if they haven't given up on faith entirely. I had, at one time, and I want to help anyone who may need a hand to hold.

[antiochian]

Wow, what a fascinating story, it reads like a novel!!! Lots of us here have been through the same or similar things. Many of us have had "friends" (they are nothing of the sort) who try to convince us that we're evil and are ostracized if we don't "shape up." The good news is that not everyone on this planet is a closed-minded lunatic. Thanks for sharing with us.

[Vanessa White]

Your name is where I live, in the gray zone. So many people that I meet are either black or white in their thinking, and I am in the perpetual gray.

Thank Goodness for that!

Glad that you found your way here. Enjoy the forums and keep jumping in..... :love:

[shadesofgray21]

LOL, thanks Vanessa. Even at twenty years old, I feel as though my thinking is that of someone much more mature than myself. It's odd, really. There is black, there is white, but there is also everything in between - I just so happen to have been exposed to and learned a lot about the "in between".

[shadesofgray21]

Part 4 - The finale! LOL
---

In August of 2004, I began hair school. I had always enjoyed doing hair, but my primary reason for pursuing it was the fact that I was searching for a place I could feel completely accepted. I wasn't very fluent in my perceptions of people of all types, and attending hair school was much like attending college for me. I met many different people, from many different places, with many different personalities. Some individuals had many personalities just within themselves! :p

As much as I despised working & attending school, the stress of that was even more so, in no small way due to the struggle I was facing in my faith. Looking back, it was spiritual warfare. Not just spiritual warfare, but self-inflicted spiritual war-fare. After the experiences of the previous year, it is needless to say that my self-esteem was at an all-time low. That, compounded with the external and internal struggles, had left me feeling completely depleted.

All of this emotion, or lack thereof, eventually took its toll on the others in my life. My relationship with P obviously took quite a hit, but we were still maintaining. I was so, so angry for so long at everything that had taken place, that I then redirected all of that towards those around me. Needless to say, P & I suffered. He had become distant, and for good reason. That distance though, resulted in feelings for someone else. He eventually told me, and we decided to break up. The breakup lasted only a week, but was still painful.

Everything happens for a reason. That has never been proven more true than in my life, and also the lives of you here, I am sure. The breakup with P, although brief, proved to be exactly the "push" I needed to pick myself up from the gutter I had been wallowing in. It was at some point not long after that, that I just decided, "Phillip, this is it. You're going to pick yourself up and you're going to live your life, and you're not going to look back." It sounded so easy in my head. I knew it would be difficult, but it had to be done. I have so often in my life heard the saying, "God helps those that help themselves." Yet again, I was never more surprised with how true some things actually are.

Slowly, things began improving. I graduated hair school, was still waiting tables, and feeling quite the sense of accomplishment. I then struggled with the business itself, and adjusting to certain aspects therein. I somehow found a knack for selecting the worst possible salons to work in, which eventually lead to me becoming disillusioned with the hair industry completely. I have since taken nearly a year-long break, and will be returning to a salon at the beginning of the new year. Yet again, everything happens for a reason.

I have written this synopsis of my story for several reasons. Obviously, there are many more details, but this is just a forum. I have written it specifically in this manner to not only tell my story, but to show that faith really does work. After the salon debacles, I felt incredibly empty. I had worked so long, so hard, for what? Through everything, I had never felt this broken, this overwhelming feeling of failure. Yet, I always knew there was a plan greater than mine, bigger than me, that would completely blow me away.

The more I prayed, the clearer things suddenly became. I love doing hair for the artistic aspect, which I will always continue to do. But, more and more, I felt the urge to tell my story. I felt the urge to let it out. I also felt quite the "tugging" towards ministry. As I started putting the pieces together, it became more apparent that I was given this journey for a reason. I went through these things so that I could be prepared to help others who may be experiencing very similar situations. I always felt as though no one understood, like no one else knew what it was like to be in that position. I've started searching for a way to be of help to youth who need someone to talk to, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on. I want to be the refuge and light that people like Mrs. V & Roxeanne were to P & myself.

And, here I am. I've searched online for communities where I can really begin connected with other individuals like myself, and stumbled upon this one. I want to be the change that we want to see.

[Jennifer5]

Welcome, glad to have you here :)