I need some advice [Archive] - Soulforce Community Forums

Jordan0517

11-15-2007, 11:33 PM

Im gonna try to put make this as short as possible being that It would be better explained in person so bare with me.

My name is Jordan and I've been dating my boyfriend James for a year ( on the 18th ). I love him to death, he means the world to me. I am happy to be with him but our relationship has me very stuck because a big peice of me is unhappy and Im nowhere near ready to tell him.

He lives an hour and a half away from me and in the past year that we've dated, I've only seen him 6 or 7 times. He just turned 25 and Im 19. I have a vehicle and can travel to see him at least on thursday and fridays. But he just a few months ago, gotten his own car, but he cant drive it because its stick shift and he doesnt know how to drive it. His family is the typical christian family who believes being gay is a sin and I know he has struggled with that because even though he hasnt came out to his parents, they kind of know and it affects him and I because it makes it even hard for us to see each other.

In march, me and him had broken up because I found out that HE believed being gay was a sin. He said he pushed it aside and didnt worry about it but he knew it was wrong. That hit me hard because at the time I didnt know a thing about homosexuality and christianity. I couldnt tell him being gay was not wrong because I didnt have evidence. I never knew anything about it in the bible or the verses on the topic. We were broken up for a month. It was so hard because we knew we missed the heck out of each other. We decided to get back together but since, the topic hasnt been discuss. While were werent together, I looked on the internet stuff about Homosexuality and Christianity and it led me to this site. All I can say is that i've learned a lot that Im glad I know now.

Well, what exactly do I need advice? I need help on what do with my relationship with him. Im dating someone who doesnt like to talk about personal things that make him extremely sad (such as this). Hell try to push the topic away and just "push it aside" but in reality, its a big part of our relationship. I may be young but in all my decisions, I try to figure out how to include him. I one day woul love to live with him and make a life together. were a gay couple, and that in itself is not easy at all. But i want us to be able to be there for each other. He hardly has any friends. He doesnt go out much at all. Besides family, Im pretty much all hes got. In his eyes, im one of the best things thats ever happened to him. I want the best for us, and I want me and him to have a life together someday. I honestly dont want us to be 90% phone calls and webcams and 10% face-2-face for the next year in our relationship. I'm tired of us having to "sneak" around to see each other and spending hours with each other in my car because we have nowhere else to be together at. I just dont know what to do about his family knowing about him because they are close. Im not fully out but my mom is extremely religious or anything so I had it easy coming out wise. Im just lost. Soulforce, what should I do? I really need help.

keltic63

11-15-2007, 11:45 PM

can you use some of what you've learned here to help him understand that his orientation isn't sinful?

beyond that, I have a few other fleeting thoughts:
his reason not to drive his car seems like an excuse. When I was 22 I bought a car that had a stick shift. I didn't know how to drive it, but I learned quickly! if it meant he was able to see you more often, you'd think he'd learn to drive that car!

how dependent is he on his family? does he live at home? do they pay for school? is he out of school? does he have a job? the more independent he is, the easier it would be for him to come out.

it really sounds like he has some of his own issues to work out. while it's noble of you to want to help him, HE has to be the one to do the emotional work. you can offer advice, and give him the tools to do the work, but HE has to be the one to do the hard stuff.

u-dog

11-16-2007, 08:46 AM

What Keltic said is true. The fact that he has this car but hasn't taught himself to drive it yet suggests that he is afraid of what the car represents... freedom from his family. if he is 25 and hasn't found a job and gotten out on his own yet that suggests the same thing.

He's stuck in the doorway of his closet and is afraid to come the rest of the way out and he doesn't WANT to go back in. His religious fears are part of that. he is using that to stay safe.

The first step needs to be that he REALLY grapple with his sexual and spiritual identity and decide whether he believes that who he is ... is OK with God.

If he does that.. then your relationship has a future. If he DOESN"T do that then he will be spiritual and emotional poison for you, because if he believes that HE isn't OK then that means he believes that YOU aren't OK either and being in a relationship with somebody who doesn't think you are OK is unhealthy for you.

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO INSIST THAT HE DEAL WITH IT AND MAKE A DECISION.

Why don't you encourage him to come here and sign on? Have him join "THE FOYER" group where we can deal with ALL of his questions about why being Gay is not evil. We can help him with the spiritual/religious/biblical stuff and point him toward the resources that he needs.

Blessings on you Jordan! You are a good man to care so much about him!

tpdncr4christ

11-16-2007, 09:25 AM

u-dog

11-16-2007, 09:30 AM

As for the car thing... stick shift is hard to drive, but not that hard. Freud would say something else is up there.

Yup! "Stick" "shift" definately Fruedian! :inspector:

paul

11-16-2007, 09:36 AM

Hi Jordan,

Yeah, welcome back...I thought your story sounded familiar.

I agree with keltic and u-dog, those are good insights. I think it would do your guy a world of good to join in here. I also suggest "Stranger at the Gate" by Mel White. It's a book he can read in private without having to interact with anyone...if that's where he is at.

Jordan, it takes two to make a successful relationship. You sound like a pretty together guy. As you see, being in a gay relationship has it's own challenges in this world. U-dog is right, it is poison to be in a relationship where a person cannot accept the gay thing. He is right that he will have a hard time accepting it in you as well. His refusal to talk about it is an indication of this struggle.

good luck, and do encourage him to help himself by making the effort to resolve some of this.
paul

paul

11-16-2007, 09:42 AM

As for the car thing... stick shift is hard to drive, but not that hard. Freud would say something else is up there.

omg, that's brilliant.:lol::agree::eek::smashy::rofl:

u-dog

11-16-2007, 09:48 AM

As for the car thing... stick shift is hard to drive, but not that hard. Freud would say something else (what?)is up there. (up where??!!) :eek::eek::eek: OH my! ;)

scott snedeker

11-16-2007, 11:32 AM

Tell him everything you just told us. Let him know that you can't just keep playing this game, and that you are looking to taking the next step forward in your relationship, but you can't do that unless you are out and open in front of the world. Think about what you want from your relationship with him and write it down on a piece of paper. Than look at that paper, and if its not outrageous requests, ask him for it. Relationships are give and take, if its something you feel you need or want, ask him.

As for the car thing... stick shift is hard to drive, but not that hard. Freud would say something else is up there.

great advice from all. Fear is what is causing him to act against his nature. If he can allay this fear by accessing gay-affirming spiritual resources then he may change.:pray:

You need to take care of Jordan first, however. Focus on your needs because neglecting them by focussing on him will damage you, setting you up to become a codependent in an unhealthy relationship. I recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beatty as essential reading.:love:

Why do I suddenly feel the urge to trade in my toyota for a manual transmission automobile?:lol:

tpdncr4christ

11-16-2007, 08:19 PM

:eek::eek::eek: OH my! ;)

omg, that's brilliant.:lol::agree::eek::smashy::rofl:

Yup! "Stick" "shift" definately Fruedian! :inspector:

so you are smarter than the average bear. but cars are hard to drive... really. it rook me several tries to learn how to handle my owns set of wheels let alone another persons stick shift and ball bearings. i didn't really want to learn too quickly either. :eek: :D :lol: :love: