need to unload

[tymejumper]

I just have to rant and unload, hope no one minds.

I have been planning my commitment ceremony, even though I got married at Pride this year, for next Summer. We wanted one that the children could be part of and our families also, the Pride one was a private one just for us.

Since its going to be at the house, I have been letting my family know to "save the date" for August. Well, of course you have your typical family members that do not approve and won't be there type of thing. Mine consist of my grandmother, who is 80 something years old and who told me she would not come "even if I were to marry a black man" beause she does not approve of THAT either. My father who stated "I am just not comfortable with your being gay yet, and wouldnt be able to relax and enjoy the ceremony" . These two people were pretty much known quantities. I am pretty much happy they turned the invit down becuase I only did it out of obligation. The one that hurts me is my brother. He started out being supportive to a degree, and I felt accepting.

Well, apparently, he now feels that I am a poor mother and not putting my childrens best interests at heart. He says he would be a hypocrite if he came because he "does not only disapprove" but does not agree with "any of the choices I have made in my life" including the fact I allow my children to call my mothers partner of 16 years grandpa. They are not legally married, but because I have had no real relationship except name only with my biological father, he stepped into the role of father to me and grandfather to my children when their biological grandfather had nothing to do with them. Of course my brither was upset about that, but its just my fault my father didnt want anything to do with me or my children. He was REALLY nasty on the phone telling me that if his daughter got something from me that she didnt like for Christmas, she could just regift it or trade it away! I told him that at 38, I was kinda past the "I need my big brothers approval" stage. I also told him that he could drop my kids presents in the mail to them as I didnt plan on seeing him any time soon.

Of course I was on tears afterwards, he is my only sibling, and I can't believe the bull I heard coming out of his mouth. He was all down on my mother and my stepdad living "in sin" but he had no problem with moving the woman he had an affair with and left his marriage for, in with him shortly after his divorce. That fell apart and she had to move out. He had no problem having John, my stepdad come over and replace all the pipe in his house for free, but he wont bring his daughter over for a visit to my moms. I know it should not hurt like it is, hes a complete idiot, but it does.

I pretty much disowned him now anyhow, but I will miss my neice. I hate the idea that she will grow up with hate in her heart for people. Any advice on how to move on from this slap in the face? I think its hard right now as my stepdad is dying of bone cancer and the stress is overwhelming now.

[pnggrad79]

TJ,
My wife decided not to even invite her mom and dad. She had not come out to them officially yet and thought they wouldn't even darken the doorstep much less approve of our marriage. So we had the ceremony in the Minolta Tower overlooking Niagara Falls, Canada with just us and two friends who served as witnesses. I wanted her to invite her folks, because she is the baby girl in a family of 3 older brothers. One brother is gay. I wanted it because who wouldn't want o see their only daughter get married? Hell, I would. But she figured they wouldn't want to see her get married to me, a woman. They always wanted a man for her. I just thought they would want to see her get married. Not withstanding, we got married without them, but I have always wondered if we did invite them, would they have come? We'll never know.

As it is, her dad outed her several months ago, and since then, they have said it is ok with them, but when her mom introduces me, I am the "family friend". It crawls all over me, and my wife doesn't feel the need to correct anything, so...
needless to say, they accept us, but not really. I think if the truth be known, they would much rather her marry a man. :rolleyes:

[Zerbie]

Oh Thyme, honey, I'm so sorry. :(:love:

That is a lot of distress to deal with, in so many relationships, but especially from your brother. :(

It amazes me that he has a problem with the little ones calling the only grandfather figure they have on that side of the family "grandpa." What else could be more appropriate? Especially since he has also been a father to you, that means that's what he really is in essence. It's not like the children can't understand an explanation of bloodlines, either now, or when they're old enough if they're too little now. :rolleyes:

I really have no advice for you. By contrast my own family is quite tame, so I don't have any "been there" perspective.

Feel free to unload here any time. If nothing else, you'll get a lotta smiley faces:
:love::love:
Hang in there. :)

[BruceChris]

You find out who your real friends are. Treasure them. :love: :agree: :love:

Try to be open to those that judge you, but hey, do try not to be so open that they will hurt you. :unhappy:

Peace and Love, Namaste', Bruce Chris

[paul]

TJ,

I am sorry. It sounds to me like your brother is imprisoned in a narrow legalistic belief. He also sounds like he has a great deal of guilt. Combine them and you get a hypocrite.

It seems intrinsic to our nature to expect better from "family," and I wonder if the expectation isn't biological? I dunno. Your brother kind of reminds me of Jimmy Swaggart, or someone like him, who preaches hate and rails against 'sexual immorality," then sleeps with prostitutes on the side.

Since you ask for input, mine is, feel sorry for your brother. It's not easy going through life as a "complete idiot." Legalistic people feed on the pain they cause others, I think it affirms their delusion of being 'right[eous]'. I suspect, given your brothers stance, that you also come from a conservative religious background that you were able to get free from? If that is the case, I think the pain you feel is also the memories of being in that prison. You are free now from that torturous place, your brother is not and he wants company. Feel sorry for him and demonstrate to him that it's better outside the prison than in.

[tymejumper]

TJ,
I suspect, given your brothers stance, that you also come from a conservative religious background that you were able to get free from.


Well, I did wait until my mid 30s to really acknowledge that I was a lesbian and it wasn't a stage. I married and pretended alot, but got 3 great children along the way, so obviously that was the path I had to follow to get to where I am.

I guess I thought that my only other sibling would always be there for me. I did remember that it hurt alot to not be loved for what I suspected I was in my teen years. It was unspoken that "gay" was sick and bad to be, so I guess I just nailed that closet door shut from the inside and didn't rock the boat.

I guess you do find alot out about your family in times like this. He was pretty forceful with his "I love you but....." and that tells me that he does not love me at all. Love does not include a "but" in it. I talked much with my wife and she was pretty sad for me. These are things she had gone through also so it did help.

My brother actually called my mother up and made the sad mistake of trying to get her on his side but she told him that if he only called to be that way then he needed to hang up now and not call back, that I had her complete support and she loved both my wife and me.(moms are so awesome!)

So, I guess we move on and that is that, he'll just have to miss a great wedding and a great sister!

[Pablo Rafael]

Rebekah,

I haven't said anything until now since I really don't have any real advice. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I will keep you and your brother in my prayers.

I think there is a lot of pressure (especially in conservative Christian circles) to be anti-gay or else you aren't a good, upright person. The only way I see to combat this is with love. Your brother might have a negative attitude now, but I suggest that you do everything to show him love. Love can open many doors; it might take a long time. If he does repent of his unloving attitude, be sure that he can come to you and tell you that.

I am a believer that people can change. My father and I had a terrible, relationship. He was emotionally disturbed and abusive. When I was about 20 and away from home, he had a change of heart. He tried to make amends. Though our relationship was never close, it was more positive than negative in the end. Love is slow and subtle, but I believe that it is more powerful than bigotry and hatred. Make sure that when your brother repents of his attitude, he can come to you and tell you. Love will triumph.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Megandy]

...Any advice on how to move on from this slap in the face?...

Tymejumper,
I am so deeply saddened for you and the situation you find yourself in. I can relate. I read your story just this morning, and it helped me. I know that sounds weird, but I seem to find comfort in knowing that there is someone else out there with moronic family members who are hypocritical and hateful even when they call it "love".

Since I am in the midst of a similar situation (not exactly the same, but along the same lines), I can't say that I have insight as a person at the end of the tunnel... I'm right in the middle of the tunnel. But there IS light at the end of the tunnel! Every once in a while there are curves and unexpected drops, but in the end, there is still a good ending to all this craziness.

My advice is very similar to Pablo's advice. Save the hurtful things that you so badly want to say back to him, or to your other family members. If you say things out of your own hurt emotion, you might end up saying something you regret, and that is yet one more thing your family members can hold against you ("well, not only is she a lesbian, but look how mean she's gotten since she turned gay! see how the devil makes gay people mean and hateful?!"... i've had it said to me before, believe me!!). So anyway, don't add fuel to the fire. Fling those explicits at your brother... but just never SAY it to him. Say it in a safe place like a therapist's office (that's been my safe place of choice lately) or your wife or other supportive friends & family (like us here on the soulforce forums... except I guess putting explicits on this forum might be inappropriate... *shrug*). It sounds like you are talking things over with your wife, and that's awesome! What a great support to have! I know that its hard not to say the things you really want to say back at your family members when they hurt you so much, but in the end, it will make such an impact when they assess how they have treated you!!

Also, a piece of advice I just recently heard from one of my professors... over time your family members won't necessarily get better at dealing with you as a gay person. they might never change. but you will get better at dealing with them. it will take time, but through that time you will grow and become stronger. hold onto that promise for the future as you manage through this time.

Again, thanks for sharing your story, as it has inspired me. That's what we're here for... support!!
-Meg

[tymejumper]

Thank you Meg. A kinda good thing did come from it I guess. I have built up a bit of a skin from my family(my dad, grandmother on that side and my brother)telling me how aweful it is I am gay.

When my client decided to tell me how its horrible for gay people to be teachers(that whole gay agenda thing)and for us to be forming young minds, I just let it bounce off my skin. The other rehab therapists(who know I am a lesbian) actually got upset in my honor! They offered to work with him and to educate him for me. I thought it was really sweet that my co-workers, whom I was afraid would give me the hardest time, actually tried to defend me and have accepted me. They thought I had not heard him say it clearly but I told them that he was old and ignorant and I was not going to change him. I enjoyed thinking to myslef that if he knew his therapist was gay, he would blow a gasket!:lol::lol::lol:

[Megandy]

lol!! thats a trip. yeah, i work in the mental health field and i go to my clients' houses to provide the service, so its interesting to really get a picture of who people are, and they don't always know who i am!! makes for some interesting and funny stories!!

[tymejumper]

I swear, if all us gay medical people didn't go to work for a week, the hospitals, clinics, and healthcare field would cease to exist as we know it!:lol::lol:

[Megandy]

lol!! :lol::D