Hello, I'm Erik

[Erik]

Basics: 40 year old, married, bisexual, agnostic Unitarian Universalist, college student majoring in sociology and minoring in religious studies. I was told about Soulforce by a professor with whom I'll be doing an independent study called "Sociology of Sexuality." I am extremely interested in human sexuality, sexual orientation, gender and gender identity and am taking as many courses that relate to these topics as I can. I am also fascinated by the intersection of all those things with faith and religion, hence the religious studies minor.

My journey to this point in life has been a confusing yet fulfilling one. I always knew, but was never willing to admit, that I'm bisexual. I finally came to terms with it and came out to my wife after about 13 years of marriage and was more than pleasantly surprised with her open and accepting reaction. I think she accepted it better than I did actually. I've struggled with how open to be with friends, family, and community. Were it just me and my wife involved it would be easy to be out and proud, but since there are children involved it makes it much more difficult for me. Do I stay in the closet in order to protect my children from any negative repercussions that may result from me being out? Or do I live in the open and demonstrate to them that they should always live honestly? So far, I'm still hanging out with the overcoats in the closet. One of the reasons I've decided to stay there is that I'm married. Being in a committed, long term (18+ year so far) marriage I find that being bisexual, while it may be a part of who I am, is one of the less salient parts of my overall identity. I look forward to being a part of this community and am eager to learn from and share with its members.

[antonyh]

Welcome Erik. Welcome to Soulforce. It sounds like your studies are really interesting. I just finished school as a non-traditional student. It was a great few years away from the "real world" :).

[Vanessa White]

I am so glad that your professor told you about us here. It is a wonderful, safe place to ponder much of what you are pondering about closet living. Every person's circumstance is different, so you need to live your life in an authentic way, to find your way to self-love, but do it in steps so you don't feel like you have thrown yourself into the cold. Jump in whenever you have something to share. It is great to have you with us. Peace. :love:

[Zerbie]

Hi Erik,

Welcome to a place for great conversation and some really nifty people.

I agree that as a married person, you are essentially going to be viewed as and assumed straight.

I'm a happily married girl and I thought I was "out." Well, I was when I was single, then I got married, and now everyone thinks I'm straight unless I say something. They've almost convinced me too. :p Most times I don't say something, unless someone up and says, as someone just did about 3 weeks ago, "Well and you're so obviously straight, I mean, you could just never be, you know, I mean, well, you, obviously. . ." That deserved a well-timed "I'm bisexual." :lol:

Anyway, I think you will enjoy it here.
:):D

[BruceChris]

who is faithful to his wife, looks about 99.9% just like a straight guy to me. As I understand it, having a bisexual identity is NOT the same thing as having a bisexual sex life.

One of our most well known members, Zerbie, would mention to a friend that she was bisexual, and the friend would ask, "And your husband is OK with that?" I know that Zerbie was not talking about threesomes, or having a girl on the side. We have to make the distinction between orientation, and practice.

I can't say that you have given me any idea what coming out would actually mean, in your life. How would this be different from just continuing to be yourself?

You feel a need to come out, and I suspect that this has more to do with a need to work something out with yourself, than with making a statement to those around you. Ask yourself, just what do you need to say, and why do you need to say it? Maybe find a very trusted friend, and discuss it with them. Maybe you just have to take some time to get used to it yourself.

When I was 14, I used to steal other people's cars, I mean, LOTS of them. But I have long since gotten over the need to come out to anybody about having done it.

Sit down, and talk to your wife, and talk to a close friend, and see if you can figure out what it is that you really need, and how much of it will just pass with time.

Edit: I see that Zerbie got in here while I was still typing. Good. Hey, if nobody else brings it up, you don't have to, either.

Namaste', Bruce Chris

[Erik]

Thanks for the words of welcome folks.

To respond to Bruce's contemplations......I'm not really sure what coming out would mean in my life. As you noted, I'd just continue to be me and not much would really change other than people's perceptions of me. The question is whether or not I mind what people think of me. I'm pretty comfortable being who I am and am not ashamed of it at all but I do have concerns about how much razzing my kids would be subjected to in school if I was out. It's one of those things that my wife and I have discussed many, many times and so far we've decided that life is fine the way it is so there's really no need for other people to know. Like you said, if nobody else brings it up, I don't have to either. I think that the primary reason I would consider "coming out" would be to make the GLBT (or whatever order those letters are supposed to be in) community more visible in the larger community, and by larger community I mean the small (in size and mind) community in which I live.

You are 100% right in pointing out the difference between a bisexual orientation and bisexual practice. The misconception that bisexuals are sexual monsters who will fall into bed with anyone at anytime and are not capable of forming and maintaining committed relationships makes me giggle.

I'll ponder things a while longer (like, for the next 40-50 years) and, again, thanks everyone.

[Gennee]

Hi Erik and welcome to Soulforce. Thank you for sharing your story. I am finishing up my last semester of college and will graduate in May. I'm very happy that you have come out to your wife and that she is supportive. I'm sure that you feel relieved about it. By the way, what do want to do with your education?

Gennee

:love::wave:

[Erik]

Thanks Gennee. To be honest, I have no idea what I want to do. I know, I know....by 40 I should have some idea of what I want to be when I grow up; but I haven't decided to grow up yet. ;) I've talked to several people and have been told by almost everyone that my interests and studies are an odd combination and I might find it difficult to find a job. That's why I was so excited to hear about Soulforce. I think I'll be able to find information that just might help me come to some conclusions about where I'm headed.

If I may ask....What are you studying?

[Steven E. Webster]

Thanks Gennee. To be honest, I have no idea what I want to do. I know, I know....by 40 I should have some idea of what I want to be when I grow up; but I haven't decided to grow up yet. ;) I've talked to several people and have been told by almost everyone that my interests and studies are an odd combination and I might find it difficult to find a job. That's why I was so excited to hear about Soulforce. I think I'll be able to find information that just might help me come to some conclusions about where I'm headed.

If I may ask....What are you studying?

Hi Erik,
I was in my 40's when I began working on a Master of Arts degree in Religious Studies. I'm a United Methodist, but I studied at the local progressive/liberal Roman Catholic College (run by an order of Dominican nuns). I was over 50 when I graduated. I focused a good bit of my studies on topics related to LGBT persons. I'm glad for the education, but I make my living doing administration (mostly accounting) for two mainline Protestant congregations (one Methodist, one Presbyterian). I don't regret my educational choices, and Religious Studies is not entirely irrelevant to my work. Nor do I regret being an "out" gay man for the past almost 40 years. In an ideal world, I would have become a ordained minister in the United Methodist Church. No opportunities there for "out" gay people. Opportunities in other denominations are actually relatively recent, but I had no strong sense of calling to change denominations.

But, hey, I'm happily married now to the man who has been my life companion for almost 30 years. We have two adult daughters and a grand-daughter! Life is good! I love living in Madison, Wisconsin--a town where the over-educated and under-employed are not so unusual and where intellectual, political and LGBT-cultural life is quite comfortable for moi.

Steven Webster

[Jennifer5]

Welcome Erik:wave:
Glad to have you here!

[paul]

Hi Erik,

Welcome. Okeedokee, let's see here:

"Do I stay in the closet in order to protect my children from any negative repercussions that may result from me being out? Or do I live in the open and demonstrate to them that they should always live honestly? "

As Vanessa points out: " Every person's circumstance is different...." So there is my pre-qualified disclaimer :rolleyes:. U-dog (gay and married to a woman) came out to his kids a bit back with great results, hopefully he'll spot your thread and comment at some point. Me, I came out to my kids a year ago with not so pleasant results. Given what you have written about your wifes acceptance, my guess is you'd have pretty good results as far as your kids acceptance is concerned.

Now as to your question, it's the classic question for people in our position. It seems that you are semi-out already, which means, it is only a matter of time before your kids find out. So it seems more a question of when vs. if. A thought to ponder might be how your kids would feel if someone "outed" you to them, since there are those who know vs. you and your wife being able to introduce them to you in a controled and loving atmosphere. IMO, our job as parents is to help our kids become loving, caring, responsible people. We gague what to tell them, and when, during that process. It's a constant, progressive process of letting go, till they reach a point where they make all the decisions in their lives.

Your kids will someday have to deal with the negative responses of people to tgt, you cannot protect them forever. The question seems to me at what point is it more important to teach them a hard lesson vs. protecting them from the hardships of that lesson.

Either way Erik, a few extra thoughts to add to your probably full plate. I hope you stick around and participate, this is a great community.
paul

[keltic63]

I knew a guy back in the late eighties who came out to the world without being sensitive to what that would mean for his 9 year old son and 6 year old daughter. It was hell on them. but that was almost 20 years ago.



I was worried about my children too, when I came out. Our community is somewhat conservative and rather religious (I live in a town in which most of the folks are either catholic or mennonite (progressive types, but still mennonite) and I thought my kids would bear the stigma of having a gay dad. Nothing seems to be further from the truth! my son has a girlfriend who constantly asks to come to my house to enjoy my homemade pizza with my partner and myself. My daughter has friends begging to be invited to our wedding next summer. my youngest son lives the life of a normal 9yo. But all of this is because of living in a safe place, and at a time when the young folk are realizing that homophobia is absurd. a few years ago when my daughter was still in HS, 1 kid tried to make it an issue and 2 or 3 other boys came to my daughter's defense to let that 1 know he was NOT going to use that as an insult toward my daughter.