family issues during the holidays

[Megandy]

without going into a lot of detail... i am dealing with a lot of stress this time of year... my family is not supportive of my sexuality or my relationship with my partner, but i am still trying to keep them in my life. i am having a hard time dealing with the difficult emotions that comes with this issue, and i was wondering if anyone out there can offer some support or suggestions on how they deal with the holidays with family members who are less than accepting??

thanks!

[BenL]

without going into a lot of detail... i am dealing with a lot of stress this time of year... my family is not supportive of my sexuality or my relationship with my partner, but i am still trying to keep them in my life. i am having a hard time dealing with the difficult emotions that comes with this issue, and i was wondering if anyone out there can offer some support or suggestions on how they deal with the holidays with family members who are less than accepting??

thanks!

Megandy,

We are in the same boat. My husband is trans and our kids have turned their back on us. My son is getting married tomorrow, but we aren't invited. Ouch! We're trying to stay above the fray.

My 97-year-old father-in-law is entering the last days of his life, or so the medicos tell us. (He has fooled us before!) The three siblings are arranging hospice care for him so he can end his long and productive life with dignity.

These are daunting realities at a holiday time that modern mythology tells us is about family and peace and joy. We are making family with others like us, who have become very dear to us. And our church family is very accepting, for which we are so thankful.

We count our blessings and find that just having each other is the biggest one.

[tdogg]

I hear ya Megandy! I have similar issues and deal with what I can.

I have a sister who is wonderfully supportive along with her 3 terrific kids. My partner's family accepts me as one of them. We have so many friends and family who are kind, supportive and loving.

So, for those who aren't, I've gotten to the point where I just deal the best way I can. I won't see my father during Christmas, just wasn't in a good spot emotionally to deal with my stepmother (and felon brother who lives with them). She is in constant contact with my aunt who does not talk to me anymore. And then my other sister, who is kind and sends me a card and present (without addressing my partner). We are not allowed at family events or around here children or at her home. She 'must protect her children."

So, I thank her for the present. Discuss what my partner and I are doing. And send her something from us. Same with my stepmom and father. Nothing to my aunt. There comes a point where you have to quit trying hard to get their acceptance. It will either happen or not. So, while they feel a need to keep me at a distance out of their lives, I include them when I can, putting it back on them as its their issue.

It's very difficult, sad and emotionally taxing. There is no getting around that. But if you think of all those who love you, support you and are happy for you, I think that takes a little bit of the sadness away. Perhaps a lot.

Try to have a wonderful Christmas, even through the difficult times. Celebrate the love you have with your special one and think of all those who love you, just the way you are! :love:

[keltic63]

I think the holidays bring up a lot of unresolved family issues for many people, but especially for lgbt people. I am blessed in that my partner and I both have parents who are loving even when they don't understand or if they think we are somehow "wrong" for being gay. We are welcome in their homes, we have received Christmas cards from them already, and there will be presents for us when we visit them on Christmas. But that doesn't mean there is no stress. There's plenty of it because of the things that remain unspoken. I think that is one of the main sources of stress for all of us, and perhaps it's because we assume that the unspoken things are the words of judgment. Yet, how easy would it be for those family members to assure us of their love and support? Their silence speaks to us that they do not have that love and support for us.

[paul]

"Jesus" had an interesting take on family, perhaps some will find comfort in this:

Matthew 12

48But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?

49And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!

50For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

I think family is where the love is. We have no control over who our family is because we cannot make a person love us. We, on the other hand, can be family to anyone be they relatives or not. Many of us here understand rejection first hand. We can use rejection to give us empathy for the rejected. We can be careful not to respond in kind, but kindly. We can be an example.

[Jennifer5]

Chin up Megandy, things will be brighter in the future. Try to make the best of every situation and think of those you love and those who love you. Sometimes a family simply doesn't know how to react, they may still come around. Know that no matter what, they will always love you and know that you always have people here who love and care about you. :love:

[Megandy]

We count our blessings and find that just having each other is the biggest one.

Thanks for sharing your story, Ben. As I mentioned on a different thread, hearing what other people are going through seems to "normalize" my experience, making it easier to bear. I have only been "out" for less than 2 years (I am now 25 years old), so this is just my 2nd Christmas with my family. I have lost a lot of "friends" because of my sexuality, so it's hard to feel like I have a ton of supportive people around me when I really just feel kinda lonely. I know in reality that I DO have a ton of supportive people around me, but there's always those quiet moments when you miss your old friends and acquaintances, and you miss those old relationships. Very similar to a break-up. The relationship is over, it may not have even been a healthy relationship, but you have memories with those people... cherished times. And although they are no longer a part of your life, you still miss them, and a piece of your heart still hurts because they are no longer in your life. That's what I'm feeling now. I miss who my dad used to be, and I miss how my family used to treat me.

But I DO need to count my blessings. I have a wonderful, loving partner, and she is going through this at my side. Her mother is very supportive and encouraging, and she is spending Christmas day with us. I have a few other friends who are supportive of my sexuality, and they are great people that I enjoy being with!! I am blessed many times over, indeed!

[Megandy]

It's very difficult, sad and emotionally taxing. There is no getting around that. But if you think of all those who love you, support you and are happy for you, I think that takes a little bit of the sadness away. Perhaps a lot.

Try to have a wonderful Christmas, even through the difficult times. Celebrate the love you have with your special one and think of all those who love you, just the way you are! :love:

Thanks for the encouragement, tdogg!

[Megandy]

...But that doesn't mean there is no stress. There's plenty of it because of the things that remain unspoken. I think that is one of the main sources of stress for all of us, and perhaps it's because we assume that the unspoken things are the words of judgment. Yet, how easy would it be for those family members to assure us of their love and support? Their silence speaks to us that they do not have that love and support for us.

Keltic63,
Your words are so true and insightful! My family members don't always approach my sexuality in a direct and blunt manner... they usually treat it as the "pink elephant". Then again, they've treated almost every problem that my family has had as a "pink elephant". We all know its there, we all know its a problem, but no one ever talks about it. They expect me to go to the family Christmas dinner and act like everything is hunk-dory. They just can't seem to realize why its such a big deal to me. They don't realize what their silent words of judgment do to me. 2 and a half months ago, my father, in a drunken stupor, said his words of judgment out loud, so I decided to stop talking to him. The rest of my family members would never dare say the things he said, but they have shared similar feelings with each other, and they impose those thoughts and opinions on me whenever they get a chance.

The thing that really rings true for me is your last sentence... "Their silence speaks to us that they do not have that love and support for us." As much as I love my family members and wish that they would love and support me, its hard for me to bear the fact that they DON'T support me. I can't bear the weight of the pink elephant. So now I have to face the issue of declining my invitation to the family event, trying to explain why (which will bring up a lot of drama and gossip), and trying to get together with all my family members separately after the drama has been stirred up. I am not looking forward to it. Being this sad and confused is really hard during a time that is "supposed" to be happy and celebratory. I have so many other things to celebrate in my life! (Like getting a 4.0 GPA in my first semester of grad school!) So maybe I just need to get this family thing done and over with, and move on to the happy and celebratory things happening in my life!

[Megandy]

"Jesus" had an interesting take on family...

I think family is where the love is. We have no control over who our family is because we cannot make a person love us. We, on the other hand, can be family to anyone be they relatives or not. Many of us here understand rejection first hand. We can use rejection to give us empathy for the rejected. We can be careful not to respond in kind, but kindly. We can be an example.

What a great example of what family really is! Thanks, Paul!

One question, why did you put Jesus in quotation marks? (no judgment here, I have no preference one way or the other, I'm just curious about your reasoning for doing so!)

[Megandy]

Chin up Megandy, things will be brighter in the future. Try to make the best of every situation and think of those you love and those who love you. Sometimes a family simply doesn't know how to react, they may still come around. Know that no matter what, they will always love you and know that you always have people here who love and care about you. :love:

Thanks Jennifer :) I am very new to the forum, but you all have already embraced me and supported me! What a wonderful online family/community to have! I am blessed!