I cant figure myself out

[tennis_gal22]

I am new and I am struggling. I am a f/16. I am truggling to make sure that I am following my real, true feelings. I have always felt like I was one of guys. I used to stay with my best friend who was a guy and I had 3 brothers and all of there friends who stayed at my house all the time. Growing up I didnt like dolls or nothing, I would rather be outside doing something else.

Anyways, now I am having feelings, and looking back I feel like I have always been gay. Sure I went out with guys when I was younger...but I havent had a b/f in about 3 years. Basically because I realized I had no interest in them. But, I want to make sure my feelings are true before I pursue them. I told a friend the other night that I was gay(i wanted to see her reaction then tell her i was kidding) That didnt work because she got harsh and I got defensive. I think that is a sign of my feelings. But, I told her I was thinking about it because I was totally sure. She said that she couldnt approve it, but she would still be my friend. She is a huge Christian who doesnt believe in GLBT people. Although, I am Christian and I do.

So, I am stuck struggling. I think I am gay, slight chance that I could be bi. Maybe there is a guy out there for me, I doubt it, but I am leaving the possibilities out there....

But, after that, I am worried about coming out. I dont know many gay girls so I would just be a gay person stuck here with no one. At least for now until I am out of high school and I can do things on my own and meet new people. I am just not sure what I should do. I have been trying to seek guidance from God. I just want to know who I am so that I can be who I am.

I know this is long and I appreciate your time and support! Thanks! Take Care!

[BenL]

Tennis Girl,

We all struggle with who we are. I'm 63, nearly 64, and I'm still discovering parts of me that I didn't know existed. I'm not trying to belittle your struggle with your sexuality and orientation. I'm more trying to reassure you that struggle is a healthy state of affairs for people of any age, yours and mine included. It reminds me that I'm alive ... and that's a good thing.

Your struggle is tougher in a community that is as conservative as the one you describe in your post. Because of that, I admire your courage.

People come into a full realization of their orientation at different ages. Many people who are 16 like you are just beginning to wonder about, so you're ahead of the game in some ways. There's no reason to label yourself at a any age. Who you are attracted to and who you end up loving are gifts from God and shouldn't be burdens we carry around. Have courage, you will figure it out, and you will meet people sooner or later who understand and sympathize with you.

I'm going to let the women here talk about what it means to be a lesbian or a bisexual female. And I'll let the teenagers among us talk about what it means to come out to yourself in the current high school culture. Meanwhile be proud of who you are. Be flexible. Don't be surprised if things change and then change again. That's appropriate for your age.

We're glad you're here with us at Soulforce.

[inca nitta]

Welcome Christy,

I think I am on the same page with you: I am not sure what I am in terms of my sexual orientation, and I'm almost 30.

The best thing I can say to you, is give it time and patience. Your own questions will be answered, when it is the right time. Don't need to worry.

If you need to talk about these or any other issues, you can always come to me.

Inca.

[BruceChris]

Welcome, Christi. In the past, I have heard it said that the Definition of an adolescent is, a person who does not have their act together. This is not in any way meant as a criticism. The ones you have to watch out for are those who say that they have it all figured out. (Usually guys).

You probably know as many lesbians as any one else at your school. They're just not being out and open about it, or they're not sure themselves. I hope that you find many good sources of information to think about, so you'll have things to reflect on, and decide if they are true in your life or not.

Namaste', Bruce Chris

[Zerbie]

Welcome. You sure found the right place. :D:):love: There are a lot of wonderful people on this forum. It's a safe place for venting/sharing feelings/asking weird or embarassing questions, etc.

The folks who already posted have already said the most important stuff: whoever you are, whatever your orientation turns out to be, that's all okay.

My suggestion is, as long as you aren't sure, or are not comfortable/secure in yourself, you may wish to keep the struggle to yourself or to one or two really trusted friends - you might want to cultivate friendships with people who reveal themselves to be 'gay-friendly' so that you will feel safe sharing yourself with someone in 3D.

We're glad you're here. Take your time and let Life tell you who you love, when you meet that person. Having answers is not really all that important. Being awake to Life, is.

Remember that gay/straight categories are meant as a convenience for describing things, but they are artificial and do not get into the finer points of peoples' feelings and experiences. Sexuality is often fluid. Do not worry about what to call yourself - you owe no one a category or a label. Just be You. The people you really want around you are going to like you for who you are, whatever your orientation turns out to be.
;):cool:

Fwiw, I am a bisexual female about twice your age. I dated both girls and boys, and am now happily married (to a man.) If you have concerns you'd like to bounce off of someone in my position, you can come to me too. Just send a PM if you'd like. I'll get back to you within a couple days, or sooner.
:love:

[Pablo Rafael]

Welcome. Very glad to have you here.

Just this past Sundy I was at church when the priest said something that struck me. She was talking about the mystery of God and about the mystery of "the Word made flesh". She made the comment that we ourselves are mysteries; we are mysteries even to ourselves. I thought how interesting that was. I realize that especially here in the last few months I am really puzzled by myself and why I feel how I do. Maybe part of the joy of life is being somewhat of a mystery to ourselves, not always knowing ourselves.

I will just echo the advice of others. Be open to God's leading and don't put any obstacles in God's way. Don't let others tell you how you should be. There is no need to put yourself into a category until you are comfortable with it and certain of it.

Pablo

[Erik]

Welcome. I tend to agree with the folks who have said just take your time. I wouldn't worry about what to label yourself just yet; heck, I wouldn't worry too much about labeling yourself ever. Here's a quote from Michael Stipe, singer for R.E.M. (showing my age with that one ain't I?) that I think is relevant.

“I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food.”

[ladyinred]

I remember reading something about what to believe, and it said what ever truly reasonates with you , your spirit , what ever you feel the truth to be for yourself.

[inca nitta]

Welcome. I tend to agree with the folks who have said just take your time. I wouldn't worry about what to label yourself just yet; heck, I wouldn't worry too much about labeling yourself ever. Here's a quote from Michael Stipe, singer for R.E.M. (showing my age with that one ain't I?) that I think is relevant.

“I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food.”

I am a huge fan of REM, and of Michael Stipe. I just wanted to know if he came out as gay. I remember that he was dating Courtney Love, but that was like 10 years ago. what does anybody know about his orientation, or anything at all?

Just curious.

[Alecto]

WHen he was on Saturday Night Live, he played "the Christmas fairy": I honestly took that as his acknowledging some that he's some form of queer.

[tennis_gal22]

I'd like to thank everyone for there replies.

I have been praying extra hard lately. I have been doing alot with my Bible. I was struggling to figure it out, but I am going to be patient. It will come to me at the right time. For now, I will just continue to be me.

I did tell that one friend. She is homeschooled so I dont see her that much, but I think she will act differently around me, she is already acting strange when I am instant messanging her....

But, theres a guy at school who came out this summer. His parents kicked him out and now he lives with his cousin. He had a very time with it, but now he is ok.

I told him about it tonight and he is completely there for me. So, together with all of this support I think it will be easier. I can talk to him if I need to so...and when I know for sure, I will tell some other people, but for now I think it is ok as it is.

Thanks so much for the support!!

[Tinkerbell047]

Welcome, Christy!

I'm 17, and I've been exactly where you are now, and in some ways I still am right there, trying to find myself in God, myself in me and in society. What you have to remember through, is that this is a process that will take time.

I have changed so much since I started high school, as my friends can attest, that some of them see me as a totally different person. But, many of them see the changes in me as good, some as bad, and some just shrug their shoulders and say "it's high school, what do you expect, Tori?"

I came out last year as bi, and immediately my friends started telling me "you're gonna have to choose eventually, you know. There is no such thing as bisexual, it's just a stepping stone between straight and gay. You can to either way from here." Unfortunately, I listened to them and "decided" that I was a lesbian instead of just being me and letting my life take it's natural path. On top of all that, I had this really strange ex-boyfriend who though he could "fix" me with a mix of good 'ole Christianity and his "amazing sexyness," the latter of which... there was none. ^_^

Let me take my story one step further before I get to the overall point. My brother is gay. when my parents found out about him they tried to send him to boot camp to fix him, they didn't talk to him for months, and he finally had to lie to them to make our home life half-way reasonable. When I started realizing I wasn't straight....I knew I had to make sure my mom and dad NEVER found out. That placed a lot of stress on me and my life. If not for my amazing GLBT friends I don't know how I would have made it this far.

So, the point here, is this: we all struggle when we begin to realize we're "different." I now sit, quite happily, typing this giving myself no label, no rules of WHO I should or should not love, who I am or am not attracted to. The biggest mistakes you can make are 1) coming out too soon, and 2) letting other people make you be someone you aren't. Personally, I can't wait for high school to be over so I can start fresh in college and be who I am without the weight of my past stupidity hanging over my head daily. So, be who you are, and if that's lesbian, wonderful, if it's straight, wonderful, if it's bi, wonderful! And, be sure that the people here can and will give you a kind word, and encouraging smile, or just a place to vent.

Welcome to Soulforce!

-Tori

[BenL]

So, the point here, is this: we all struggle when we begin to realize we're "different." I now sit, quite happily, typing this giving myself no label, no rules of WHO I should or should not love, who I am or am not attracted to. The biggest mistakes you can make are 1) coming out too soon, and 2) letting other people make you be someone you aren't.

Listen to her, folks! This is wisdom from a young'un that we need to remind ourselves of every day.

Thanks, Tink.

[Zerbie]

Hey Tink, that is wonderful and brilliant! (Yeah Ben, her post is a good reminder that wisdom is independent of chronological age.)

That post was truly excellent, beautifully put. It pretty well describes my own past experience too, only I spent a lot longer than one year trying to figure it out. Eventually you learn that 'trying to figure it out' is just a trap of circular thoughts. :rolleyes: Life is a lot more interesting than that.

[HarmlessEccentric]

Hang in there. Learn about gay culture and history, think about what it will mean to be gay, moon over your straight friends... and in two years, get your ass to a large state university, where you can meet lots of gay people your own age in a less scary atmosphere.

[drewcaine]

Well...at least you believe in God, that's what really matters.
Take care^_^
drewcaine

[NathanATX]

Hi Tennis Girl,
Welcome to Soulforce.

I wanted to suggest something... Go to your local library and find books for lesbian teens. Also search for coming out help. There's a lot of great material at the library.

Peace,
Nate

[Tinkerbell047]

Hi Tennis Girl,
Welcome to Soulforce.

I wanted to suggest something... Go to your local library and find books for lesbian teens. Also search for coming out help. There's a lot of great material at the library.

Peace,
Nate

God, that's always a great idea! In my case, it would kill me. All the librarians are friends with my mom... my conservative, anti-gay mom. lol. Wish I could do that one. ^_^ But, if you can that is great!

Oh, Zerbie, it's NOT all figured out. It's more along the lines of, "okay, Tor, now go take your own advice!" More or less, my head knows, but my rest of me refuses to listen half the time. *shrug* I'm getting there. I figure I might know what I am before I die. lol.

-Tink

[Zerbie]

Oh, Zerbie, it's NOT all figured out. I figure I might know what I am before I die. lol.

-Tink

:lol::lol::lol: OMG, me too! :lol::lol::p

[tennis_gal22]

Thanks for all of the help!

[pnggrad79]

Tennisgal,
First of all welcome to Soulforce. It was founded by a guy, Mel White, who struggled for years (like 25) coming to terms with his sexuality, while being married and having children. His is an amazing and inspiring story. Like Nate suggested, if you can find his book, [I]Sranger At The Gate[I] by Mel White, I think it could be a tremendous comfort and source of hope for you.
I am a middle school teacher, lesbian, and I have a wife and two kids. I came from a very conservative family as well, and was married for 19 years to a man. So coming out is not easy and I encourage you to bide your time until you get out of the house. In the meantime, start praying for your family to be more accepting of you.
Zerbie was right. This is such a fluid thing and I think things will become clearer to you as you get older and out into the world. High School can be such a microcosm and a world unto itself. A lot of times it is not the real world at all. Take your time, observe and learn, and most of all, pray. God is with you and wants to help you through this.
Best of luck to you and please don't be a stranger to the forums. There is a wealth of resourceful people here who have experience and perspectives that could help you.

[tennis_gal22]

Thanks. I see about finding the book! I am waiting right now. I figure if I am gay, my parents dont have to know right now. I can wait until I am out of the house. Besides, I havent gotten to experience if yet. So, I am just waiting. I figure if I wait patiently it will come to me. I am doing better right now so...I am doing ok and I am happy. Thats all that matters I guess! Thank you all!