a response from him...

[drewcaine]

First off, let me say this-my grandma is NOT withholding me from anyone...she has nothing against Helen (my other grandma) but doesn't like the fact that she pretty much sides with my dad no matter what's going on. There is a lot of exaggeration in this e-mail, and for the record I don't believe that I "ran" from anyone. If you haven't read the posts from a good while back then you won't know about the whole Alaska issue; he lied to me so I decided not to go to Alaska. Joel Releford is only concerned about himself-we were all disappointed that they didn't come down here like they were supposed to. His family might be all that HE has left, but I have God, my work family, my LFC group, my friends, and hopefully soon my destined comrade. I know for a fact that I am NOT a juvenile delinquient (I don't get drunk, smoke, do drugs, rape, or murder people), despite what he might be spouting in his letter.


First off let me say Happy 17th Birthday Andrew, despite what has transpired I am proud of the fact you have reached your 17th birthday alive & a good academic student. However its obvious WE have some issues to try and resolve as a father & son; trust me when I say there are some deep personal feelings of resentment on my part, its not so much as a you being gay issue as it is with you being selfish in not wanting to come spend the Christmas Holiday with me and your brother Christian (who loves you very much & looks up to you) and your sister Danielle who was very hurt when she found out you didn't want to come see & spend time with us. As a parent I can deal & relate with what your going through right now, at the same time your grandma Helen was right when she told you on the phone awhile back that you were being selfish. Far as I'm concerned all your thinking about is your own needs & wants and not about us as a whole family. I cannot afford to pay $3542.00 for 3 plane tickets, I don't have that kind of money nor am I made of that kind of money. As for the legal means, if I wanted to I could wait till my income tax refund to come in and buy just me a ticket and take leave, make arrangements for childcare and come down there and go to the downtown courthouse/juvenile services and have you taken into juvenile custody and have you (against your will) come back under my guidance as your parent. Trust me BY LAW I could do all these things and I have thought about them. However I think WE are better than that aren't we? My impression of you now is a selfish immature spoiled rotten brat who has defied his parents and dishonored them by not living up to your promise; you forget that me & your mother & your grandma Helen all agreed to let you stay with MY mom in her care (as I have legal court custody of you). I DID NOT agree to let you stay with your grandma Ann, and I still don't! You betrayed both your parents trust and let your grandma Helen down, I was proud of the fact that you helped to take care of her and was able to maintain an academic honor status but all that means nothing if you turn your back on your family! We all we got left in this world, just us as a whole family. As for me your father, I realize I have never been the best father to you, I realize I was abusive to some degree and treated you bad at times, I KNOW THIS, trust me when I say I am scarred for life, I will take it to my grave son. I'm the one who has to live with it, I also have to live with the fact if something happens to you I have to answer for it. Question is can I live with it if something happens to you, God forbid if I have to bury my son cause I left him to that sick outside world and he has no one to turn to. I think about this all the time, that if we don't take the steps now to repair our relationship then we will have regrets in the end. If I died tomorrow can you live with it that you ran from your family, your father. You have a responsiblity as a son to honor your father (if your truly a Christian as you claim to be), honor your mother (she is disappointed with you as well) and right now none of us know where you are or what you are doing and you don't seem to care. Know this also, I can find where you are, I can find your grandma Anns address very easily (its called public records). Do not think I am throwing in the towel and giving up on you cause I ain't, from this point on I am going to do everything in my power to right these wrongs that have been done for all these years even if it means separating from the Army. I am going through some deep emotional issues right now in regards to me & you and our lives apart, I mean to resolve these issues Andrew but I will tell you it WILL NOT be limited to email or mail. You are not an adult! By law you are still a minor and by court of law I have legal custody of you, with that being said I HIGHLY recommend you get on the phone and call me so we can talk this problem out ASAP! Not from your grandma Ann's phone either, also don't EVER send me a mailed letter with that Bullcrap you put in there about verbally abusive (I know where that crap came from), if your gonna talk to me disrespectful like you better expect to be talked to like the juvenile selfish deliquent you were acting like on the damn phone. As long as I'm your father you WILL show me the respect I am due as your father. You want to be talked to with respect you better start showing it! This email is not for your grandma Ann to read over either, this is between me & you; as for her as long as she harbors you in her home and not return you to your grandma Helen's at my behest then she will NEVER be allowed to visit with Danielle & Christian without my supervision, EVER! You want to do right by your family well start by picking up the phone and like a real "man" working these issues out like we are supposed to. Remember this while your out trying to find your "love" Cody or whoever that boy was you were screaming so loudly for on your Facebook/Myspace page; your BROTHER Christian needed you and so did your sister Danielle and your father and you turned your back on us, boy you have a way of showing what a TRUE christian you are. I say practice what you preach SON! I know I'm not perfect and I KNOW I have made some mistakes in my life, I KNOW at times I wasn't a good father to you, but that doesn't mean I can't make amends for my wrongs and the thing is we have already crossed this bridge in the past when we came up here together as a family. I will be waiting to hear a response from you Andrew, and its not going to be limited to emails either, if your not a coward and you are the christian you claim to be and if you are my son then you will do what's right by me and your family. Lets right this ship son; Happy 17th Birthday!

Love, your father Joel Sr

--
Releford, Joel C
SSG, USA
NCOIC PAD-OPR
USAMEDDAC-AK


I don't know what else needs to be said...
drewcaine

[keltic63]

Wow. drew. I'm sorry about that email stuff from your dad.

You do see, that as he's claiming he's not abusive, or disrespectful, he becomes abusive and disrespectful. He threatens, and he's laying on a heavy guilt trip.

there must be some reason that he feels the need to pursue you in this way, and I do suspect that he's feeling guilty about the way he's treated you. I also hear, in his email, anger that you now refuse to allow him to continue abusing you. He wants you to become submissive once more and uses as many ways as he can to accomplish that.

You're strong. Don't go back for more of that crap. Go to some kind of legal services NOW and find out how to become an emancipated minor.

[scott snedeker]

There are a lot of issues I see in your father's letter.

1 The power issue.

You have exerted independence needed to justify your entitlement to live and grow acccording to your nature. This independence is a shock and an outrage to your father, but it is inevitable. You are a man in the making. He feels that he is entitled to treat you any way he feels (and abuse is one of those ways) because that is his entitlement as a father. This is not an academic treatise the he is discussing. It is a compensation for his personal sense of inadequacy. That is why he is so hot and manipulative.

2. Manipulation:

He is attempting to manipulate you using "do things my way or you are a coward, abandoning you family, hurting your brother, not a man etc. etc." These issues are intended to seem legitimate, but they do not grant him the entitlement to abuse you. He is seeking a connection in any way possible to reestablish his preceived right to control you.

3. Threatening:

He is threatening to extract you from the sanctuary you have found. This is another mechanism. He is angered by his lack of financial power to extract you forcibly by using your age as a legal angle again to get you under his power again.


Advice?

Talk to each family member individually So they get your message directly for you. That you love them, and that you feel to threatened to go on to unneutral ground, but that in no way changes your love for them. Tell them that your freedom is threatened if you go there. Offer to meet them in a neutral safe setting.

I would not rise to the bait your father is dangling. Give it a few weeks for him t cool off before you reply in any way. I would not speak to him on the phone until you feel ok with doing so. Limit his ability to use emotional manipulation. Don't fall for the "Come closer so you can fight like a real man" ploy, because he is not doing so on equal ground, he has hiddden weapons.

Love mingled with threats is abuse of the worst kind. No one is entitled to do it to you no matter who they claim to be or what they say.

You are a man with the soul of a man, Beautiful in body and spirit. And by design entitled to safety, love, passion and freedom to live life true to your nature so that you can grow strong and independent.

Focus on something creative today that helps you grow. Something that makes you proud. This is your new life and your present. THis determines a future that is safe enjoyable full of life and love.

Ask yourself: "What do I want?" and focus away from all that is not the answer to this simple question. I might suggest renting The Peaceful Warrior then perhaps reading the book by Dan Millman.

[NathanATX]

All you need to do is take his letter to the judge. He admits abuse. He is threatening you.

He doesn't have the right to acknowledge that he's abusive and then expect you to put up with it.

He actually risks having his parental rights evaluated/removed entirely... for all the kids... if it can be proven that he is abusive.

Absolutely do not call him.

Send him a KIND but firm letter.

Set clear boundaries. Let him know what you are willing and not willing to do. Advise him you will act quickly and harshly should he attempt to harm you or negatively impact your life.

Anyone can be a biological father. It takes integrity, love and wisdom to be a father. He's clearly not being a good Christian father.

On the other hand, it is encouraging that he's aware of his mistakes. He was really trying to apologize and reach out to you at the first part of the letter.

Acknowledge that. Let him know you appreciate that he's aware of what happened and that he wants to do better. Let him know that it's your call-not his- to determine how your relationship with him moves forward. It won't move forward well if he keeps trying to be emotionally manipulative and abusive.

Hang in there. He's a good man... down deep. Hold him to a high standard of behavior and don't let him get away with being abusive.

praying for you,
Nate