Darkening of the understanding...

[drewcaine]

Yesterday was crappy. Today was crappy (our instructor never showed up...and this is a COLLEGE class at the UNIVERSITY). We had a similar incident at S.B. where Doug never showed up...we ended up climbing through the DRIVE-THRU window (which was "wide open", by the way) while the alarm was blaring in our ears.
Anyway, the LFC meeting was pretty messed up...we ended up combining with this other group that was obviously busy studying angels and demons or something like that. Why do people waste their time with flame and perdition? I prefer to focus on the more important aspects of Christianity (although I honestly do believe that the Devil exists and is out there...somewhere...just stay from me), to be honest.
So this guy was presenting his analysis from a book written by some guy called Joe Beam...I don't even remember what was going on, I just didn't feel good. First of all, my main issue with this group is that I just feel like an extra in a movie script. 98% of everyone there ignores me, and I end up being the only guy wondering around trying to fit into a conversation. Even John stopped speaking to me much after a while. I wanted to tell Shane today about how I feel like the "ugly duckling" of the group, but he wasn't there. And they also left the Asian dude in Denvero_O.
However, I still feel "sick" (overwhelmed) from all this spiritual business...I don't know what to say. I'm tired of being in this warzone alone, and wish I had that special comrade here with me. There's just too much stuff going on right now. Sometimes I wish God would take my loneliness away...
What if I've already lost it? I try to listen to everything in order to not block a necessary truth; I try not to harden my heart too much; I try to be wary of the "darkness", but what if I'm already blind? I don't like to think that I'm lost, and I certainly don't FEEL lost; despite my strong faith, I can't help but be undulated with a crippling amount of questions that beg me to crave answers.
If anyone's read that enigmatic book, would you fill me in? I'm too broken to think right now.
drewcaine

[NathanATX]

I really like how you stated that... feeling like an extra in a script. That was very powerful.

One of the things I was present to, when reading your post, is that it doesn't sound like you have a strong support system. It's hard to go through life with just the "normal" difficulties without being deeply connected to people who care about you. It's even more important to find strong support when you're facing heavier difficulties.

Here are some ways that you can be responsible for your spiritual, emotional and mental health.

Find an affirming church near you... and visit with the pastor. See how you can get involved there. Find a volunteer group near you that actively makes life better for children, for the sick or the poor. Find a counselor to talk to. I think everyone should be in therapy at some point in their lives and schools usually have low-cost therapy & counseling available.

I hope this helps. :pray: :love:

peace,
Nate

[Zerbie]

Drew, you might be going through some very dark times at present, but one thing is clear: you are NOT blind. Those who actually are never think to wonder if they might be - they would never suspect that that they might be blind. If you suspect it, question the possibility, then you are seeing enough to discern health from ill-health, whether psychologically, spiritually, etc. Let that question guide you so that you are always learning more and always understanding yourself, and life, a little better every day.

I think Nate is correct: work on building up a support network of people you connect with positively. Ideally, we'd all have one or two people to lean on when we need to lean and when they need to lean on us, we'd trade roles. In addition, we need friends of varying degrees of closeness, and people who we work with who respect our work whether that's at school, in volunteering, or on the job. It sounds like your frustration in this case is due to not finding a positive connection with those around you. Keep trying - perhaps try with a different group of people next time.

I think you're alright, just having some rotten times.

[Daniel]

In a dark room can be a difficult matter.

Drew- you sound like you are experiencing the interaction of more than one issue. This brings a kind of darkness, once which is hard to see through.

But both Nate and Zerbie are right: you need to find/build a support system. This could mean seeing a doctor for depression. Meds aren't a bad thing when used wisely. It also means finding a capable counselor. Whatever you do- please keep reaching out. It's when one stops doing that that things can take a turn for the worse. And let's be clear here: if you are thinking about ending your life- get yourself to a doctor immediately.

Your voice - both literally and metaphorically- is important.

Sending you much peace and light.

[antonyh]

Drew, I did not know what the LFC meeting was...so I googled it with Fort Smith and found your church (I think?):

http://www.westarkchurchofchrist.org/bulletins/2005/b050922.htm

I also found "warzone" language in the Church newsletter similar to what you wrote:


There is a war that is more massive in scope than all other forms of war. It is the war between good and evil (Ephesians 6:10-12). While this war shares some things in common with other wars (for example, not all society feels threatened), there are some distinct, unique qualities about this war. (1) Even though all society does not feel at risk, it often makes immediate casualties of the unsuspecting. (2) The consequences and carnage of this war surround us on a daily basis. (3) This war is much more complex than human greed, human arrogance, human selfishness, and the lust for human power. (4) Even the finest of human efforts and intents will not and cannot end this war.

It is not fun to live in a war zone! The first casualty of war is peace. War by nature brings conflict, death, insecurity, hardship, injustice, fear, and constant uncertainty. It is because wars by their nature are destructive that people always prefer to fight them “in the other man’s territory.”

However, the war between good and evil is fought in human minds and motives. We are the battleground! When we try to make “sense” out of the “senseless” occurrences in our lives, how do we generate hope instead of despair?

(1) We accept as truth that we do indeed live in a war zone. (2) We prepare ourselves to survive the heat of war (Ephesians 6:13-18). (3) We understand God’s purposes in defending good are greater than our desires as the battleground. (4) We also realize that evil is not without its resources. (5) We understand that success is not determined by physical desire but by eternal destination.


Jesus did not come into the world to put you in a warzone. He came into the world to give you peace.

John 14.27:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.

I'm a huge lover of the Celtic Christians and I wanted to share a Compline used at the Northumbria Community in Great Britain. A Compline is a prayer you can say before bed. Here is the one for Wednesday night:

Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm.
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord, in Your peace.

* Father, bless the work that is done,
and the work that is to be.

* Father, bless the servant that I am,
and the servant that I will be.

Thou Lord and God of power,
shield and sustain me this night.

I will lie down this night with God,
and God will lie down with me;
I will lie down this night with Christ,
and Christ will lie down with me;
I will lie down this night with the Spirit,
and the Spirit will lie down with me;
God and Christ and the Spirit,
be lying down with me.

* The peace of God
be over me to shelter me,

* under me to uphold me,

* about me to protect me,

* behind me to direct me,

* ever with me to save me.

The peace of all peace
be mine this night
+ in the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

If you want the rest of them, you can go here:
http://www.northumbriacommunity.org/PraytheOffice/ComplinePages/complinemain.html

[Daniel]

I also found "warzone" language in the Church newsletter similar to what you wrote:

Jesus did not come into the world to put you in a warzone. He came into the world to give you peace.

John 14.27:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid.


Drew- If you are in an environment that is not bringing you peace- get the hell out of there!

One has to pick one's friend's very carefully. Do they build one up, or tear one down? Suck the life out of one, or give life to one? Sure. We all have friends that we hang with for the long haul- though times may be tough- but those are the kind of friends who are tried and true- the one's who build and do not destroy. And in my experience- this kind of friend can be counted on- literally- on one hand.

Ok. Now this is gonna sound like old man talk, but when I was your age, I had some friends that didn't do well by me- and you know what? I didn't do well by them either. I was young- a bit naive. Let myself be used- and sometimes used others in my ignorance.

Choose your friends wisely. Doing so has a huge effect on one's character and life path.

Choose Peace!

[drewcaine]

Yes, I still have those.
drewcaine