Your mating rituals / strategies [Archive] - Soulforce Community Forums

Daniel

01-12-2008, 10:23 PM

Oh dear.....it sounds positively kinky! :D

But seriously- I met my man after a period of saying NO. Oh.....I had my flings with this person and that person, but eventually, I found myself wanting- more and more- love. Unadulterated love- or at least the promise of it- that which could last a lifetime. After 16 years with the same man- I think I can say that I've been blessed with that which I sought. (Oh...God.....my sentences are getting rather prim, don't you think?)

Another thing. And I've written about this elsewhere here.

The thought entered my mind (years ago) "To have a Prince you have to be a Prince."

I still think this. Believe this.

There is the metaphysical saying: Like attracts like.

In plain simple language it means that you gotta put out what you want. It's the Golden Rule in action.

No games.

You have to unveil your heart. Be vulnerable. Ready to be hurt. Torn to pieces.

Treat your tricks like tricks and they remain junk food. Treat another man like a God and he very well may become one. Or be one. Is one.

I think the math is very simple.

It's the same thing as the message of this site: BE THE CHANGE YOU SEEK.

Oh....the practical part: I met my husband at the gym across from the theatre where I work. He liked my legs. I liked (loved) everything about him- especially his golden hair and shy demeanor. Smitten I was. Smitten still.

Our first date was my inviting him to Carmen.

In the end, the heart knows more than the head, and must be followed. Therein lies joy.

keltic63

01-12-2008, 10:28 PM

The thought entered my mind (years ago) "To have a Prince you have to be a Prince."

I still think this. Believe this.

There is the metaphysical saying: Like attracts like.

In plain simple language it means that you gotta put out what you want. It's the Golden Rule in action.

No games.

You have to unveil your heart. Be vulnerable. Ready to be hurt. Torn to pieces.

Treat your tricks like tricks and they remain junk food. Treat another man like a God and he very well may become one. Or be one. Is one.

Treat your friends like friends.......

I am blessed in so many ways.

antonyh

01-12-2008, 10:32 PM

OK, since I DID post this thread, it is only reasonable that I make the first post. After I blew my career in the ministry for a chance at love, I spent about three years getting comfortable with myself and learning about the gay community. I had been brought up to believe that the gay thing was a monolithic evil that would damn you to hell...so it took some work.

I was living in Saint Louis at the time and I figured that the first thing I should do was to visit a gay bar. I had lost most of my Christian friends and did not know any gay people except for chats on AOL. I picked out the Loading Zone in the Central West End. I remember walking around the block five times before having the courage to walk in. It was so intimidating to have all those guys watch who was coming into the bar. I felt so clumsy...I had no idea how to navigate a bar at all. I ordered a drink, consumed it and then lost my pluck and fled into the night...it was a good first step on the long, long road to finding Mr. Right.

My next strategy was to volunteer...at Saint Louis Effort for AIDS as a Buddy. Here was this freshly minted Evangelical Seminary graduate sitting in a room of "radical" queer AIDS activists learning all the names for the penis so that I could talk intelligently about AIDS to people. It was pretty overwhelming, but my Buddy was more overwhelming than training. Jeff (not his real name) had almost died of AIDS but was saved with the new Protease Inhibitor trials. He had been around the gay block more than once and I am not sure who provided more emotional support, me for him or him for me. He figured out pretty soon that I was a newbie and it became his mission to educate me about all the bright and dark corners of gay life. He drove me around Saint Louis to show me where all the hookers stood, took me to the seedy East Saint Louis Bars...what an education.

It was such a clumsy time for me, like a 26 year old adolecence...I felt like a number 4 in a number 10 world. I met some guys, but nothing seemed to stick. Once I was too old (at 26). Once I dated a Mormon and he was too closeted to sustain a relationship. I started to grow skeptical about finding someone to love like I had dreamed about.

antonyh

01-12-2008, 10:42 PM

antonyh

01-12-2008, 10:46 PM

Oh....the practical part: I met my husband at the gym across from the theatre where I work. He liked my legs. I liked (loved) everything about him- especially his golden hair and shy demeanor. Smitten I was. Smitten still.

Our first date was my inviting him to Carmen.

In the end, the heart knows more than the head, and must be followed. Therein lies joy.

That is romantic. He is a lucky man.

I agree with your strategy...be a prince to find a prince.

You mentioned treating a trick like junk food is bad. I think one of the great strategies for love is to follow a trick with "the save". In otherwords, then the trick part of the trick is over...treat him like a demigod and you may end up with a husband.

Although there are many that say that if you sleep with someone on the first date...it is not going to work out.

Daniel

01-12-2008, 10:57 PM

That is romantic. He is a lucky man.

I'm the lucky one! :D

Your words about going to your first gay bar resonate with me: I went through the same thing. And I'm still not that comfortable in gay bars (too noisy!). I've had to learn to be comfortable in my gay skin. All that sexual energy being thrown around. Takes some getting used too. :D

Know what?

I've been thinking of going to a Hot Nude Yoga group here in NYC. (no.....dear ones....we're not talking orgy.....it really is yoga....but for gay men)

Even at 49- there are things to learn about being Ok with being gay.

http://www.hotnudeyoga.com/

Hmmmm.. about sleeping with your man on the first date: I don't think there are any hard and fast rules in this area. However, I DO think that the more connnections one has with one's beloved the better. If it's just genitals....well.....

How about heart, mind, gut.....

keltic63

01-12-2008, 11:06 PM

Know what?

I've been thinking of going to a Hot Nude Yoga group here in NYC. (no.....dear ones....we're not talking orgy.....it really is yoga....but for gay men)

Even at 49- there are things to learn about being Ok with being gay.

http://www.hotnudeyoga.com/

do you know how hard it is to get that video?????

Daniel

01-12-2008, 11:07 PM

I met my guy at 35. Never too late.

antonyh

01-12-2008, 11:09 PM

And I'm still not that comfortable in gay bars (too noisy!). I've had to learn to be comfortable in my gay skin. All that sexual energy being thrown around. Takes some getting used too. :D

http://www.hotnudeyoga.com/

Hmmmm.. about sleeping with your man on the first date: I don't think there are any hard and fast rules in this area. However, I DO think that the more connnections one has with one's beloved the better. If it's just genitals....well.....

How about heart, mind, gut.....

Wow, Hot Nude Yoga! I think I would be more comfortable in a bar :lol::pray: I don't like getting naked in front of strangers...although it would be liberating for sure....maybe the whole point of doing it ;)

When I moved to Chicago and my relationship at the time ended, I started going out every Friday and Saturday night. The dance floor at Big Chicks became my compass...a place where I really felt free. I would dance for five hours at a time. Dancing became my way of meeting men. I would try to let my joy and freedom shine through my dancing and my face. People found that attractive and sometimes people would just start dancing with me and they would become boyfriends. Happened a number of times.

antonyh

01-12-2008, 11:11 PM

I met my guy at 35. Never too late.

No that was just in the early years. I met my partner when I was 37. I'm just saying that guys in Saint Louis used to think I was too old at 26. I guess I was at the wrong bar :D

tdogg

01-12-2008, 11:16 PM

We worked together although I was on my way soon to another State agency. I decided to go to the christmas party since I was leaving at the end of the year (2004) and no going away party. I asked for a got a ride to and from the party. We talked on the way, I came out to her and talked about my life a little, she hers. We had a few drinks, then went to the local gay club and danced.

The kicker, a slow song came on and I asked her to dance with me. Her jaw dropped, I quickly said, that's ok if you don't want to. She said, no, I want to just surprised you asked. We danced, our souls touched. Spent time on the couch at my house after talking and cuddling. It seemed natural like we had been together all our lives. It seemed strange, like what the heck are we doing???

She had red flags (after all, she knew me as the 'straight Christian' chick. But, she left the door slightly ajar, and being a bold and brazen Aries girl, I pushed the door open and walked in. Unlike the famous Lesbian rule (2 dates and the U-Haul) I didn't actually start spending all my time with her for three months. Moved in fully a few months after that. We just celebrated 3 years since our first date.

I think like Daniel says, be yourself. No one wants to find out later the person is a fake. Be respectful, considerate, compassionate, polite, affectionate, and don't forget to have a sense of humor. Make sure you are compatible - if habits are annoying now they'll only get worse. Getting along, having some things in common and some things not in common is good. Learning how to handle conflict, and bring up issues lovingly and respectfully.

And, if your heart is speaking strongly to you, don't fail to follow it. It knows much more than the head...

Daniel

01-12-2008, 11:19 PM

No that was just in the early years. I met my partner when I was 37. I'm just saying that guys in Saint Louis used to think I was too old at 26. I guess I was at the wrong bar :D

Well....there IS that youth thing about our American culture. Especially in gay culture. Muscles and youth. A perfect equation. Have them both (an looks) and the world can be your oyster. At least for a time.

I think it's time us more mature (I will NOT say older) gay men defy that kind of thinking.

I really do believe that the ulitmate beauty is love. That's what I hear in your words about dancing and letting your love shine through your face.

We all have to let it come out.

There's a pun there.....

antonyh

01-12-2008, 11:23 PM

our souls touched

I love that line because that is what needs to happen to really get a relationship going. Then it becomes compatibility.

I think you can help soul touching along with your whole approach to dating.

keltic63

01-12-2008, 11:27 PM

Well....there IS that youth thing about our American culture. Especially in gay culture. Muscles and youth. A perfect equation. Have them both (an looks) and the world can be your oyster. At least for a time.

I think it's time us more mature (I will NOT say older) gay men defy that kind of thinking.

I really do believe that the ulitmate beauty is love. That's what I hear in your words about dancing and letting your love shine through your face.

We all have to let it come out.

There's a pun there.....

youth has it's place, but there is definitely something to be said for the mature gay male.....i find myself attracted to youth for some reasons, and to maturity for other reasons. i was online earlier, at gay.com, and found myself enamored with a photo of a man who was 50+ years old.....confident and hot.....i think it is the spirit of the person, and not the age, that attracts someone

antonyh

01-12-2008, 11:29 PM

Well....there IS that youth thing about our American culture. Especially in gay culture. Muscles and youth. A perfect equation. Have them both (an looks) and the world can be your oyster. At least for a time.

I think it's time us more mature (I will NOT say older) gay men defy that kind of thinking.

I really do believe that the ulitmate beauty is love. That's what I hear in your words about dancing and letting your love shine through your face.

We all have to let it come out.

There's a pun there.....

I wonder if our culture has evolved since I left the scene for domestic bliss? Probably not. My partner is actually 17 years younger than me so in some sense we have defied the ageism in the gay community.

keltic63

01-12-2008, 11:33 PM

I wonder if our culture has evolved since I left the scene for domestic bliss? Probably not. My partner is actually 17 years younger than me so in some sense we have defied the ageism in the gay community.

I doubt that the culture has evolved.......

Pablo Rafael

01-13-2008, 08:21 AM

Zerbie

01-13-2008, 10:32 AM

Scott and I are now divorced from the women and have scheduled our own wedding for Aug 9 20008. .

Ooooh, ya got a longgggg wait for 20008, guys!
:lol:

Zerbie

01-13-2008, 10:56 AM

The thought entered my mind (years ago) "To have a Prince you have to be a Prince."

I still think this. Believe this.

There is the metaphysical saying: Like attracts like.

That is true.

No games.

You have to unveil your heart. Be vulnerable. Ready to be hurt. Torn to pieces.

THANK you!!!! :eek: So often, you just see more conversations about how the game rules work and what you're supposed to do to play along. BULLSHIT. Games distract us from the real thing.

I was a horror when I was single. :lol: All direct and no fancy games, and people didn't know what to do with me, unless they appreciated direct. I held out for those who did. Well, I mean I played for fun, but only if they were doing it too and we both knew that the other knew we were just in it for fun. :p

Treat your tricks like tricks and they remain junk food. Treat another man like a God and he very well may become one.

Yes!
Is everyone listening? Daniel is on to an essential truth.

Oh....the practical part: I met my husband at the gym across from the theatre where I work. He liked my legs. I liked (loved) everything about him- especially his golden hair and shy demeanor. Smitten I was. Smitten still.

Awwwwww! :p:love::)

I was living in Saint Louis at the time and I figured that the first thing I should do was to visit a gay bar. I had lost most of my Christian friends and did not know any gay people except for chats on AOL.

Around what year was this? Just curious.

It was such a clumsy time for me, like a 26 year old adolecence...I felt like a number 4 in a number 10 world. I met some guys, but nothing seemed to stick. Once I was too old (at 26).

:eek::eek::mad::eek:sputter! :mad::confused: That is SO STUPID!!!
I sooo don't get it. I see it around - I just don't get it.

Once I dated a Mormon and he was too closeted to sustain a relationship. I started to grow skeptical about finding someone to love like I had dreamed about.

Antony (I keep wanting to shorten that to Ant, that ok?) - your writing expresses the whole adventure really well in a few brief sentences - I have a real sense of what it was like, and I'm relating to it like I was there. Your stories touch my heart. :love:

That is truly amazing. How did you know he was gay? How did you broach the subject?
Ja Steve, I'm curious too.

Know what?

I've been thinking of going to a Hot Nude Yoga group here in NYC. (no.....dear ones....we're not talking orgy.....it really is yoga....but for gay men)

Even at 49- there are things to learn about being Ok with being gay.

http://www.hotnudeyoga.com/

..

Hmmm, I dunno, I haven't clicked that link yet, but seems to me it would be too slippery. . . . :lol:

Well, go check it out and let us know what it's like. We're waiting for a full report upon your return.

Daniel

01-13-2008, 02:36 PM

Hmmm, I dunno, I haven't clicked that link yet, but seems to me it would be too slippery. . . . :lol:

Well, go check it out and let us know what it's like. We're waiting for a full report upon your return.

I feel as though I've just fallen into a double-dare vortex. Well.....nothing like facing one's fears. Oh....I exaggerate: I've been to Black's Beach numerous times, and it was liberating to frolic in an sand and surf Au Naturale.

Zerbgirl- I think you can click the link and survive. Nothing pornographic there. Just naked guys doing yoga. :D

Wanna give me a due date for my report? :lol:

Zerbie

01-13-2008, 04:32 PM

I feel as though I've just fallen into a double-dare vortex.

Insert evil laughter here.

Well.....nothing like facing one's fears.

Oh honey, what's to be scared of?

Oh....I exaggerate: I've been to Black's Beach numerous times, and it was liberating to frolic in an sand and surf Au Naturale.

Zerbgirl- I think you can click the link and survive. Nothing pornographic there. Just naked guys doing yoga. :D

Oh sweetie, the lack of Click was not due to trepidation on my part. Just to laziness. :p:p:p I responded first, clicked later.

I glanced at a bunch of the pics and was so intent on checking out their alignment, I wasn't looking at anything else. :rolleyes:

Wanna give me a due date for my report? :lol:

Surrrrre! :p:lol:
Shall we say, report must be posted here by, Valentine's Day?
Gives ya a month to get to a class.
:D

antonyh

01-13-2008, 09:54 PM

Now you all are just making me envious.

All you happily partnered people are disgusting.
What ever happened to the idea that gay people are single, lonely and miserable? :unhappy:

My mating rituals usually involve rolling in something smelly (a dead animal will suffice) and strutting around making bugeling noises. I would go into more detail, but I need to get to church.

Pablo

It is OK to be single, but don't be miserable...it will cramp your style...especially if you're looking for love.

Maybe it is time to shake things up a little...go somewhere you've not gone before...;)

antonyh

01-13-2008, 09:58 PM

Antony (I keep wanting to shorten that to Ant, that ok?) - your writing expresses the whole adventure really well in a few brief sentences - I have a real sense of what it was like, and I'm relating to it like I was there. Your stories touch my heart. :love:

Ja Steve, I'm curious too.

Hmmm, I dunno, I haven't clicked that link yet, but seems to me it would be too slippery. . . . :lol:

Well, go check it out and let us know what it's like. We're waiting for a full report upon your return.

Awww...thanks Zerbie. My early years saga started in 1994.

Zerbie

01-13-2008, 10:53 PM

Awww...thanks Zerbie. My early years saga started in 1994.

Ahhh, that's what I was kinda guessing. We are about the same "age." :)

tpdncr4christ

01-14-2008, 12:39 AM

Daniel

01-14-2008, 07:17 AM

its more just going to theatre events and getting phone numbers. The thing is, no one my age is mature enough for me and every one older is just creepy. Cuase I'm looking at getting ready to buy my house when I graduate college. No other 18 year old really cares about that. All they want to do is go out and dance and have sex and stuff. Then the only folks more mature are really creepy and rather unnerving. It's really rather lame.

And the whole thing with the age bit? So true. I was once told by this guy that I was too old. I wanted to kick him in the shin, cause he was like 50+. That's kinda pedophile "ish."

The only guys I seem to have met lately are the creepers. Like the fourteen year old who gave me his number on the back of a mental health institute card, or the pizza hut delivery boy who found me on myspace, or the 35 year old man who kept coming to my work, even when we asked him to leave. I DON'T LIKE CREEPERS!

I swear I'll be a prince, I just gotta wait for mine to come I guess. :cool:

Are an artiste.

And the artiste learns to discriminate, which is, altogether something different that being judgmental.

The truth is: you are going to be older one day. You are going to be the one looking at younger men. How are you going to be looking at them? How are you going to be looking at yourself? With compassion? A bit of humor? A sense of lighteness and ease?

Princes appreciate the best in others as well as in themselves. They're grateful for what they have and what others have to give.

My sense is that when you are a little more comfortable in your gay skin you will start meeting a different kind of guy. And you are right: you do have to put yourself out there- go places- do things- show up. One just can't stand around and wait for Mr. Perfect to appear. But at the same time, one can't be slicing and dicing everyone that across one's path from the relative comfort of one's comfort zone. That leads to the bitter queen syndrome. In fact, meeting Mr. Wonder entails getting out of one's comfort zone.

One uses discrimination after one knows what one wants. And what one wants is based on life experience- and in short: desire. For me it was this: I wanted to be in love more than anything else in the world- to give and receive it- more than career or anything else. I spent a good deal of my youth looking for it, making stupid mistakes (at least not life threatening- that God) until it ocurred to me that I had to give what I wanted to have. And I started- literally- blessing everyone in sight.

Oh...this sounds like some new age mumbo jumbo. But the reality it is that it helped me see the good in others- even the 'creeps'. Because- even the creep is searching for love, only he is going about it in an obnoxious way, which is another way of saying he is ONLY thnking about what HE wants.

What is this 'creepy' thing anyway? The fact that an older person finds you attractive? Or the fact that the older person is unattractive? Part of being a prince is treating everyone- even the creep- in a graceful manner. This I learned from older men, who grew up in a time when manners mattered, the the closet was ever present, and one's trick could turn out to be a treat if treated well.

Some younger men love older guys. So- you may not be one of those kind of guys. No big deal. When I was younger, nothing set my heart aflutter more than a put together man in his 40's with silver hair (though I have to say that I'm not into Anderson-You-Know-Who). Still does.

It sounds like you are looking for a comrade- someone your age- perhaps an man who is 5-10 years older- at least a person who you consider to be your intellectual equal. That's a good thing btw.

That man may be the director of the theatre, the choreographer, the lighting designer, the conductor. Someone who has the same bug for show-biz that you seem to have.

It's great that you are planning to buy a house. Real Estate gives one certain advantages. I would add an IRA, long term health insurance (when you are in your late 40's) and a 401K if you have the kind of job that offers it.

However- your plans could be derailed if your college costs weight you down for many years. I know this is sapping the life blood out of many young people now. Gotta be careful about that.

There are two fascinating books by Graham Jackson on the interaction between men from a Jungian perspective that you might find interesting and helpful.

The Secret Lore of Gardening: Patterns of Male Intimacy and The Living Room Mysteries: Patterns of Male Intimacy Book 2

Zerbie- The due date is in my calendar.

paul

01-14-2008, 08:06 AM

I glanced at a bunch of the pics and was so intent on checking out their alignment, I wasn't looking at anything else.

Me too :D. Heck, I can't even get a massage without getting aroused, so I won't be getting 'liberated' any time soon.

There're some great gems here.

You have to unveil your heart. Be vulnerable. Ready to be hurt. Torn to pieces.

It is OK to be single, but don't be miserable...it will cramp your style...especially if you're looking for love.

"To have a Prince you have to be a Prince."

And I started- literally- blessing everyone in sight.

Oh...this sounds like some new age mumbo jumbo. But the reality it is that it helped me see the good in others- even the 'creeps'. Because- even the creep is searching for love, only he is going about it in an obnoxious way, which is another way of saying he is ONLY thnking about what HE wants.

Daniel

01-14-2008, 09:34 AM

Me too :D. Heck, I can't even get a massage without getting aroused, so I won't be getting 'liberated' any time soon.

From reading the website and talking to a couple of guys who have attended classes, becoming aroused in not a big deal- it's part of the sexual energy who learns to 'own'. It's not considered shameful. The one rule is no touching of dick or kissing. After all, it's about yoga. Not sex. And the liberating part is that being nude is no big deal after awhile. I first noticed this with my dancer friends: straight or gay, they are comfortable with being in the all-to-gether together because they spend so much time working with and on their bodies. Same thing with the gym: gotta say- it took me a long time to get used to walking to the showers simply holding my towel and not trying to hide.

What is there to hide? God made us to be beautiful inside and out. Shame just messes things up.

Have you seen that new show with Carsen Kressley called How to Look Good Naked? Done with gals that aren't model types. It's brilliant. He's brilliant. We all need someone like that in our lives.

I think it's the attitudes we wear in our heads that are the issue- not the clothes on our backs.

Zerbie

01-14-2008, 10:42 AM

Me too :D. Heck, I can't even get a massage without getting aroused, so I won't be getting 'liberated' any time soon.

Oh gee. I'm a bit confused - with my comment I meant I wasn't looking at the guys appreciatively, I was looking at how they were doing the poses. I got past the nakedness immediately and my eyes zeroed in on technique.

Come to think of it Paul, who knows but that a class like that might be just the thing for you to integrate all that aroused energy and stop holding it - start letting it circulate.? Then you can move, y'know.

From reading the website and talking to a couple of guys who have attended classes, becoming aroused in not a big deal- it's part of the sexual energy who learns to 'own'. It's not considered shameful.

It better not be!
Is food considered 'shameful?' Gee, :o in American society, to an extent, some food *is* considered 'sinful' or guilt-inducing. Way to screw up an entire society. Sex, like food, is part of life. We'll be healthier when we stop trying to divorce it from the rest of our selves.

The one rule is no touching of dick or kissing. After all, it's about yoga. Not sex. And the liberating part is that being nude is no big deal after awhile. I first noticed this with my dancer friends: straight or gay, they are comfortable with being in the all-to-gether together because they spend so much time working with and on their bodies.

That's generally true of theater people, especially dancers who are used to movement, touch, partner-work, etc. You've gotta be able to focus on what you're doing. The fewer your inhibitions and limits, the freer you are.

Same thing with the gym: gotta say- it took me a long time to get used to walking to the showers simply holding my towel and not trying to hide.

:o:'( Danny! :(:o

What is there to hide? God made us to be beautiful inside and out. Shame just messes things up.

Exactly. :)

I think it's the attitudes we wear in our heads that are the issue- not the clothes on our backs.

Totally. :cool:

Zerbie

01-14-2008, 10:47 AM

Re: Austin's post, I don't know that I got an age-prejudice thing out of what he said, which is how I took Daniel's response. I think you guys are speaking of two different things.

Austin is looking for a peer, and is having a hard time (oh quelle surprise) finding one among teenage boys. But 35 years old is a good deal older, and at Austin's age, that amount of age different adds up to more than it would if Austin were 28 and the other guy 45. It is too big a difference at this time. For a man that much older to be that intent on pursuing a teenager is too much, and I find it questionable. That in itself, the fact that a 35 year old man was that relentless pursuing a teenage boy, is a bit creepy to me. Ten years from now, that amount of age different will no longer carry a 'creepy' vibe.

Austin may or may not be putting out vibes that summon the creeps. I don't know. I'm quite sure I don't put out any Creep-come-hither vibes, but they sure have tended to find me. Ya'll don't wanna know about the last time I attended Pride!:lol::lol::lol::sick::disagree: Sometimes, creeps just happen.
Shrug.

paul

01-14-2008, 11:29 AM

Oh gee. I'm a bit confused - with my comment I meant I wasn't looking at the guys appreciatively, I was looking at how they were doing the poses. I got past the nakedness immediately and my eyes zeroed in on technique.

Come to think of it Paul, who knows but that a class like that might be just the thing for you to integrate all that aroused energy and stop holding it - start letting it circulate.? Then you can move, y'know.

:lol: Sorry Zerbil...Your message was clear. I was poking fun at myself is all. I don't know enough about yoga to appreciate the poses, but I do know enough about guys to appreciate the body :good:.

Daniel

01-14-2008, 11:38 AM

Re: Austin's post, I don't know that I got an age-prejudice thing out of what he said, which is how I took Daniel's response. I think you guys are speaking of two different things.

Austin - I don't think you're ageist. You are smart not to keep company with stalkers. That's just plain common sense. My concern was about relationship in general- take it- or not- as you like.

Lastly: It must be pointed out that where love is concerned- age matters not. Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy met when (I believe) the former was 40 and latter 18. And they had a very long relationship.

And we have our own Anthony and his Beloved.

My own Beloved met his mentor when he was 18 and latter was 60. They weren't lovers physically- but their interaction was a profound one. Sometimes 'love' comes in different packages. And while it's wonderful, it doesn't come cheap. It asks- yea - demands everything of one. Want it? You gotta give it everything you have.

It's that simple.

Vanessa White

01-14-2008, 03:35 PM

Actually, to word it a little bit differently, you and your partner much demand everything of him/herself in order to fully experience it.

My partner and I had known each other for years, and we were both single, were out with a group of friends one night, and started talking. Then, started talking on the phone, FOR HOURS. Our first "date" wasn't until we had logged about 15 hours of phone time. It was intense. We connected on a very intimate level, and when we finally had physical contact, which was a great deal of handholding, I am with Tdogg, OUR SOULS TOUCHED.....our journey was interrupted when it became apparent to me, that we both weren't doing the work needed to make it the best it could be.

Love requires patience, time, understanding, and each person to check their own "baggage" and take care of it. Otherwise, it is pretty doomed. I need to inventory myself, and she herself. I can't do someone else's inventory, but I can support her when she does her own.

Our separation for a year was not necessary for us to grow, but it definitely gave us the space and A LOT of time to process, grieve, prioritize. Not counting our year apart, we are 11 years and going strong. Love is hard work, but it is an absolute blessing. It is allowing yourself to be fully seen by another person as you really are, and you really cannot experience love at its finest until you fully embrace and love yourself. Flaws and all. Love requires fresh, forgiving eyes of oneself- forgiveness and complete and utter appreciation of what you see when you look in the mirror.......:love:

Zerbie

01-14-2008, 10:19 PM

the strategies I used to meet men when I was single and how those strategies evolved as I got more comfortable with myself. I thought it would be fun to share stories about what you did to eventually land Mr. or Ms. Right :D

:

I never addressed the original post on this thread discussion. It is a good topic for discussion, as usual Ant'ny comes up with quality subject matter.

Overall, my style evolved from a confused, scared of the world little thing who didn't know who she was, to a direct communication style once I became comfortable with myself. It is crucial to know and to own who you are. Once I knew those things, I became interested in finding a relationship for keeps, instead of just going through life knocking into things clumsily along the way.

I didn't snag Mr Right by doing anything. I got him by being me. He saw me and knew I was what he wanted, and all credit goes to him, he also knew how well we would fit together way before I did. Like many guys before him, he wooed me. Unlike with any guy before him, I swooned. :p Yep - learned the meaning of the word "swoon" the first time he sent me flowers - I felt a crazy feeling like the floor slipped from under me and I was dancing and floating and feeling giddy and my heart was tugging and I thought, "This must be what "swooning" is." :p

Beyond the cosmic soul attraction parts and the swooning parts, one thing we did before we decided to partner-up and play house forever after was talk about EVERYTHING. Everything that was important: family, children, careers, spirituality, life style choices, money, politics, hobbies, habits, etc. Open communication about the things happening in our lives and in our minds is a habit we have nurtured in the years we've been together, and we are even happier together, and much much closer, now than when we started. :love::love::love::love::love:

NathanATX

01-15-2008, 10:51 AM

I never addressed the original post on this thread discussion. It is a good topic for discussion, as usual Ant'ny comes up with quality subject matter.

Overall, my style evolved from a confused, scared of the world little thing who didn't know who she was, to a direct communication style once I became comfortable with myself. It is crucial to know and to own who you are. Once I knew those things, I became interested in finding a relationship for keeps, instead of just going through life knocking into things clumsily along the way.

I didn't snag Mr Right by doing anything. I got him by being me. He saw me and knew I was what he wanted, and all credit goes to him, he also knew how well we would fit together way before I did. Like many guys before him, he wooed me. Unlike with any guy before him, I swooned. :p Yep - learned the meaning of the word "swoon" the first time he sent me flowers - I felt a crazy feeling like the floor slipped from under me and I was dancing and floating and feeling giddy and my heart was tugging and I thought, "This must be what "swooning" is." :p

Beyond the cosmic soul attraction parts and the swooning parts, one thing we did before we decided to partner-up and play house forever after was talk about EVERYTHING. Everything that was important: family, children, careers, spirituality, life style choices, money, politics, hobbies, habits, etc. Open communication about the things happening in our lives and in our minds is a habit we have nurtured in the years we've been together, and we are even happier together, and much much closer, now than when we started. :love::love::love::love::love:

Swoon on, girlfriend! :)

Thank you for the reminder to truly be myself. :love: Cause I'm somethin' special. ;) :D (and so are all of y'all!) :love::love:

nate

Daniel

01-15-2008, 11:33 AM

I didn't snag Mr Right by doing anything. I got him by being me.

Beyond the cosmic soul attraction parts and the swooning parts, one thing we did before we decided to partner-up and play house forever after was talk about EVERYTHING.

You are so right!

Thought I can't say hubby and I talked about everything before we partnered up: we were pretty much inseparable after two weeks. Let's just say we we talking while we were doing everything else. ;)

And Nate- you are something special.

I hear a song coming on........

Leonard Bernstein - Lucky To Be Me Lyrics

It's love
well who woulda thought it?
What a day,
fortune smiled and came my way
bringing love
I never thought I'd see
I'm so lucky to be me...

What a night
suddenly you came in sight
looking just the way I hoped you'd be
I'm so lucky to be me

I am simply thunderstruck
at this change in my luck
knew at once I wanted you
never thought you'd want me to...
I'm so proud
you chose me from all the crowd
there's no other guy I'd rather be

I could laugh out loud
I'm so lucky to be me
I've heard it said
"you'll know it when you see it"
well I see it, I know it.

I am simply thunderstruck
at this change in my luck
knew at once i wanted you
never thought you'd want me too.

I'm so proud,
you chose me from all the crowd
there's no other guy i'd rather be.
I could laugh out loud,
I'm so lucky to be me...

You are lucky....and blessed...to be you.

keltic63

01-15-2008, 11:47 AM

come on, share it!

I met Scott at a marching band festival. he was there because his (now ex-wife's brother) was a judge at the festival, and my kids were in a band as musicians. we were introduced by a mutual friend.... all of us were in straight marriages at the time. Scott and I are now divorced from the women and have scheduled our own wedding for Aug 9 2008. (just for you, Zerbie)The guy that introduced us will not speak to us, because he's still in his straight marriage.................

It also occurred to me that Scott and I spent a lot of time talking, as was suggested by a few people in this thread. One of the important themes that came up was commitment. Both of us had been in straight marriages, were unfaithful, and going through divorces as we began our own relationship. The issue of commitment HAD to be discussed. It's interesting that we were both tired of hiding who we were, lying to our spouses, covering our tracks, etc. and that we had a great desire for this to be our last attempt at finding love; we're committed to making this work.

antonyh

01-15-2008, 10:22 PM

And we have our own Anthony and his Beloved.

Yes we do. My partner was 19 when we met. I was 37 at the time. I had always been the younger one in prior relationships so this was new territory for me. But we fell in love and four years later our relationship keeps growing. I am a welcome member of his family.

The age difference (17 years) is always the "elephant" in the room until you get to know us and then you don't notice at all. We really don't notice it either. We just see each other.

I view age difference in a relationship as another potential diversity factor with it's own blessings and challenges. In the past I lived with a filippino and enjoyed racial and cultural diversity...and lots and lots of rice.

The funny thing is that my partner is more sensitive about the age thing than I am. He feels stigmatized when people notice his youth :lol:

Zerbie

01-16-2008, 09:50 PM

Yes we do. My partner was 19 when we met. I was 37 at the time. I had always been the younger one in prior relationships so this was new territory for me. But we fell in love and four years later our relationship keeps growing. I am a welcome member of his family.

The age difference (17 years) is always the "elephant" in the room until you get to know us and then you don't notice at all. We really don't notice it either. We just see each other.

I view age difference in a relationship as another potential diversity factor with it's own blessings and challenges. In the past I lived with a filippino and enjoyed racial and cultural diversity...and lots and lots of rice.

The funny thing is that my partner is more sensitive about the age thing than I am. He feels stigmatized when people notice his youth :lol:

How did we get on age differences? Austin!! :lol::lol:

Anyway, there is a fairly large age difference between hubby and me, too - so count us in. We work so incredibly well as a team, we don't notice the age difference. Only when we compare what we were doing in certain years, etc., do we really remark the disparity in our ages.

I hear you about 'we just see each other.' That's true of us, too. Though I had some concerns about it at first. I decided if I was lucky enough to meet someone who was everything I wanted, and he wanted to team up with me for the rest of forever, I'd be stupid to throw that away just to wait for someone my same calendar age to come along, who might not be half as spectacular. I am so grateful!! Saying yes to my guy was the best and smartest thing I ever did.

So Ant'ny, how and where did you and (?) meet? We wanna hear the story of how you fell in love.
:D

antonyh

01-16-2008, 10:47 PM

How did we get on age differences? Austin!! :lol::lol:

Anyway, there is a fairly large age difference between hubby and me, too - so count us in. We work so incredibly well as a team, we don't notice the age difference. Only when we compare what we were doing in certain years, etc., do we really remark the disparity in our ages.

I hear you about 'we just see each other.' That's true of us, too. Though I had some concerns about it at first. I decided if I was lucky enough to meet someone who was everything I wanted, and he wanted to team up with me for the rest of forever, I'd be stupid to throw that away just to wait for someone my same calendar age to come along, who might not be half as spectacular. I am so grateful!! Saying yes to my guy was the best and smartest thing I ever did.

So Ant'ny, how and where did you and (?) meet? We wanna hear the story of how you fell in love.
:D

Austin might have to rethink his philosophy with all these age variant couples :lol:

We met in Bloomington Indiana. I first met him at Indiana University's LGBT group and then six months later we ran into each other online and decided to meet. We fell in love. I returned to Chicago for graduate school and he stayed in Bloomington to finish college. We did the long distance thing for a year and then he moved to Chicago to live with me permanently.

We almost got married in the Episcopal Church in Bloomington but it fell through due to relocations and lack of funds, etc. We did get the benefit of premarital counseling which I will always treasure.

We're going to get married in the Methodist Church if we can figure out a way to do it without getting our pastor defrocked.

tdogg

01-17-2008, 02:54 PM

I view age difference in a relationship as another potential diversity factor with it's own blessings and challenges. In the past I lived with a filippino and enjoyed racial and cultural diversity...and lots and lots of rice.

Hah! My partner is Filipino and yes LOTS of rice! And lots of Filipino food. They have accepted me as family, in large part because I'm so open to the entire family (both sides) and eat most of the food they like. Partner's dad eats a few things I decline, but otherwise I fit in well! We are thinking about visiting the Philippines in 2009, to meet family and get a taste of the homeland culture (they of course have been there before).

I think the most important thing is to be yourself, closely followed by communication (talking). Those two factors can get a couple through anything. I get the swooning thing too Z! For me, it was like sliding down a spiral slide (mostly purple in my mind). I never thought I would hit the bottom, but it did finally bottom out for the most part. Although I still now and then get the sliding feeling, mostly it's a very deep adoration, love and respect. Like I slid down the slide of love all the way, which made for the foundation that I'm now building up from.

ladyinred

01-25-2008, 12:38 AM

You know who I attract, Young women between 21 and up... I'm 47. No way.I don't even consciously do anything to attract them ,what is with that?

ladyinred

01-25-2008, 12:39 AM

You know who I attract, Young women between 21 and up... I'm 47. No way.I don't even consciously do anything to attract them ,what is with that?Sigh.:(

Alecto

01-25-2008, 01:28 AM

The one thing I've learned is that no matter who you are, or what you look like, or what your thing is, there's someone that's attracted to you. The other thing I learned is that they don't always look like you'd expect them too (that is, they aren't necessarily just like you). :)

Zerbie

02-02-2008, 03:33 PM

I feel as though I've just fallen into a double-dare vortex. Well.....nothing like facing one's fears. Oh....I exaggerate: I've been to Black's Beach numerous times, and it was liberating to frolic in an sand and surf Au Naturale.

Zerbgirl- I think you can click the link and survive. Nothing pornographic there. Just naked guys doing yoga. :D

Wanna give me a due date for my report? :lol:

Oh hey, just 'rembered!

Danny - ya got 12 days til the report is due!!
:D:)

tpdncr4christ

02-03-2008, 01:32 AM

Jennifer5

02-03-2008, 01:57 AM

Daniel

02-03-2008, 09:16 AM

So... I met a guy. Online. He is one year and a month older than me. Really cute. Fantastically sweet. And I adore pretty much everything about him. Even his poor taste in music. The strange part? Like two weeks ago I didn't think this would have happened. We've spent as much time together as possible and I couldn't ask for anything but more time with him! OMG! Seriously! I think I'm falling head over heals for this kid.

You've met online. Have you met in 3D yet? Don't wanna be a wet blanket, but you might wanna wait until you meet each other 'for real' before you go over the falls.

Is he far away? Inaccessible? And is meeting up going to be a huge hurdle?

You know- our own Dash and Dsdrane spent a long time talking on the phone before they met. That's another level of reality worth investigating. You can 'get' a lot of the person from the sound of their voice. Even so, this is no substitute for the feeling one has when one is in the room with the person, face to face. It adds a layer of complexity and involvement which can't be gotten any other way.

Virtual reality, is after all, virtual, as easily subject to what the psychologists call projection. The more relative reality, the better.

All this aside: I think it's great you've 'met' someone and are having a great time! Really! I do. The only way to met someone is to (safely) put yourself out there.

Good for you kiddo!

(PS- at the risk of being a tad bit meddle-heady, do you realize that you wrote "head over heals" instead of "head of heels'? Not saying that Dr. Freud is on to something here- as in his famous Freudian slip- in this case- a literary one. But one thing is for certain: love does heal. )

tpdncr4christ

02-03-2008, 01:10 PM

Daniel

02-03-2008, 01:47 PM

We've met in person. He is really cute. We met at the movie theaters and then had dinner and I had gotten slightly ill and didn't feel well, so I thought the date went horribly, but he messaged me the next morning asking if I felt better and then things just went up from there. :cool:

Good for you!

Just goes to show that you- sir- have your feet on the ground. And if you head is in the clouds with this young fellow, well....all I can say is that love is grand.

Cupid strikes when least expected.

Zerbie

02-03-2008, 02:06 PM

:)
Hey Austin, that's great! Sounds like you found a really sweet guy.
:):)

antonyh

02-03-2008, 03:25 PM

Yay, Austin. Best wishes for your budding romance.

tymejumper

02-03-2008, 05:04 PM

I figured that the first thing I should do was to visit a gay bar. I had lost most of my Christian friends and did not know any gay people except for chats on AOL. I picked out the Loading Zone in the Central West End. I remember walking around the block five times before having the courage to walk in.

Well, that sounds familiar! I actually sat in my car and threw-up before getting up my courage to go into my first gay bar. Thank God that the owner saw how scared I was and struck up a conversation and made me feel at home. There was a womans night and he invited me to it and said he would introduce me around the community, which he did. He really took me under his wing and I will be forever grateful to him. Unfortunately, he died of cancer last year and left his partner of over 35 years behind.

As for how I met my wife, it was actually online in a lesbian forum that I was on to meet women. We decided to meet for coffee and we really enjoyed each others company. She said later that she surprised her friends because she NEVER hardly says a word to people (she is not a real people person) but she stayed and talked to me for 2 hours!:lol: She even had the courtesy call from her best friend to get her out of a terrible blind date situation! I got a call, not a courtesy call, from my Mom, who was taking care of my kids so I could go out. My youngest had a fever of 102, so I ended up going home and taking her to the Med station with for a terrible ear infection.

She was not sure I liked her because I was unable to fit my job and kids schedual around her work schedual to date her for a month or two, even though we talked frequently online and by phone. Finally we managed another date and I ended up having to make the first move so she would understand that I WAS interested. Obviously, we finally got it right somewhere along the line cause we have been together for near three years now. I love to tease her that butches are always the ones who THINK that they are in charge, but it's really the femme that is! :lol::lol: