Physical v. emotional safety in regard to coming out.

[Vanessa White]

Antiochian's thread about his roommate situation got me thinking:

As you progress throughout the lifespan, do you find that you become less concerned about the emotional safety of coming out, or being discovered by others as gay, lesbian, bisexual or a transgender person?

In exploring my ideas on this, I realized that in the last few years, I have become a bit more concerned about my physical safety, in part for the protection of our daughter, but also, because I myself don't want to be in harm's way, knowingly, at least. However, I feel less concerned about the need to protect myself emotionally from stinging verbal attacks. It seems like I feel tougher against harsh words, and it doesn't penetrate my heart as much as in the past; I believe that in part, this is because of my increase in my confidence in my sexual orientation being a loving, vital part of who I am, and the letting go of shame and internalized homophobia more and more. Now, when dealing with a person who is in the earlier stages of coming out, I would encourage the need for both physical and emotional safety for him/herself.

Thoughts? :love:

[Zerbie]

A

As you progress throughout the lifespan, do you find that you become less concerned about the emotional safety of coming out, or being discovered by others as gay, lesbian, bisexual or a transgender person?

Oh definitely! Though, ya'll take that with the grain of salt because being married to a man, 'being out' rarely happens anymore.

While I'm less out personally as being bisexual than I was a handful of years ago, I'm a LOT more out as an activist. Unlike a decade ago when I was very intimidated by the whole thing, and confined my activism to letter-writing so that I would not encounter homophobes in person, being visible as an activist (and therefore often assumed by strangers to be lesbian) has completely lost its aura of scariness. I let people make their own assumptions - some assume I'm straight, I don't correct them; some assume I'm lesbian, I don't correct them either, unless we get to talking and they find out I have a guy at home.

Anyway - once you find that the sky doesn't fall after coming out, you get tired of being afraid it will fall and you move on with the business of living. Which is more interesting, anyway. ;)

I feel less concerned about the need to protect myself emotionally from stinging verbal attacks. It seems like I feel tougher against harsh words, and it doesn't penetrate my heart as much as in the past;

Oh, definitely! Why should we accept someone else's opinion of our most intimate selves - oftimes a complete stranger to us or someone we hardly know at all - especially if that opinion is negative, hurtful, or even condemnatory, as authoritative?!?!? What do they know? These are the people so far off the mark it would be funny if they didn't actually manage to hurt many along the way.


Now, when dealing with a person who is in the earlier stages of coming out, I would encourage the need for both physical and emotional safety for him/herself.

:love:

Yes, oh yes, definitely! :D Early stages of coming out, someone is integrating a neglected part into their sense of self, or perhaps exploring who they are for the first time. When you are developing a sense of self, it is vulnerable. Once your sense of self has developed and become strong, it can withstand many things that would have battered and wounded it in those early stages.

[tdogg]

I was really scared to tell some family when I first came out, but after receiving such a huge amount of support, the few that aren't supportive don't scare me anymore. I still try to maintain some sensitivity towards them when I communicate or visit but I don't avoid including my relationship/partner. I'm pretty open now, nothing to hide. I have a few telltale signs at work, my car. But nothing really mind-boggling. So I'm out but not explosive about it.

Though I'm even slightly more out there than my partner (who's been out her whole life), there are certain situations where I've felt a little hesitant as I thought our physical safety might be an issue. But emotionally, I feel no need to protect as I'm pretty happy with myself and my life. I think if I had issues there, the emotional protection would be important.

It will be interesting to see what happens - I just applied for an investigator position at the state department where I work (same Division, Fraud). I'm pretty out and can't think of many who don't know I'm a lesbian. The peace officer world is not the best place to be 'out'. I'm wondering if that fact that I'm gay will eventually be a deterrent for those in charge to consider me. I'm highly qualified for the particular position, so it will be curious to see if I get an interview, or not.

[Alecto]

I don't think I'm less concerned about emotional safety so much as the definition of it has changed. Granted, I'm young, so the whole new-ness and shininess of coming out ...it's still relatively recent for me (a couple years). But it's more like my emotional safety was a lot more threatened by staying closeted than it was likely to be by any reaction I'd get. And I guess that's the pivotal point, "likely to be". Those closest to you can hurt you the most, too (if you think about it), so I think once you're out to them, it's a LOT easier to start being out with everyone else a lot sooner; less risk involved.