Catholic, and feel like a hypocrite

[justme65]

Hi all, I'm new to this website, and I have to say that so far I'm *very* impressed with....well, everything!

My issue is this: I was raised Catholic; went to Catholic grade schools, and went to mass regularly until sometime in college. At that time I stopped going to mass because I felt that I was being a hypocrite....at that time I didn't realize that probably 90% of practicing Catholics are hypocrites!

Anyway, I stopped going to mass altogether until recently. My dad died in Dec. of 06, and I had to come to terms with my views of the church. I spoke with a priest - no help there. Then I found this website - what a godsend! I feel now that I can still go to mass and feel ok with it.

Problem is, I don't...I feel a little guilty. I *love* this local church; I grew up with it. It brings comfort and familiararity to me. Yet I feel like an outcast and no one knows.

Has anyone experienced this? I've come to realize the hipocrosy in the church and am trying to see the church as just an organized religion with all its flaws. But.....there's still that hell and damnation that I can't get over.

Any thoughts or suggestions? Thank you!

Steve

[kara speltz]

Hi all, I'm new to this website, and I have to say that so far I'm *very* impressed with....well, everything!

My issue is this: I was raised Catholic; went to Catholic grade schools, and went to mass regularly until sometime in college. At that time I stopped going to mass because I felt that I was being a hypocrite....at that time I didn't realize that probably 90% of practicing Catholics are hypocrites!

Anyway, I stopped going to mass altogether until recently. My dad died in Dec. of 06, and I had to come to terms with my views of the church. I spoke with a priest - no help there. Then I found this website - what a godsend! I feel now that I can still go to mass and feel ok with it.

Problem is, I don't...I feel a little guilty. I *love* this local church; I grew up with it. It brings comfort and familiararity to me. Yet I feel like an outcast and no one knows.

Has anyone experienced this? I've come to realize the hipocrosy in the church and am trying to see the church as just an organized religion with all its flaws. But.....there's still that hell and damnation that I can't get over.

Any thoughts or suggestions? Thank you!

Steve

Dear Steve: I too was born and raised Catholic and left the Church for almost 20 years. I came back, much to my surprise, some 20 years ago because I found a parish where I could be authentic.

I didn't come out immediately. I didn't want to be the "lesbian" by people's definition of me, because I'm so much more than my sexual orientation. After having been in the parish about 6 months, I began to become involved in a number of ministries. Once people knew me, I let it be known that I was a lesbian, not as any "proclamation," but just as part of who I am.

It's been 20 years in that parish. I'm a lay preacher and have actually preached sermons and then announced an activity by our LGBT group. So everyone who knows me knows that, that is part of who I am.

My great joy was when one of the young people at my parish, told his mother that he was gay and asked her to speak to me, because he knew that she admired me.

The most important thing we can do for our young gay catholics growing up is to make sure that they know that they can be gay and catholic and that God loves them, just as they are.

One of my favorite psalms is the 139th. Reading it, remembering that I am gay and that is something God has always known about me from the time God knitted me in my mother's womb and I am "wondrously made," is something I often recommend to people who are struggling.

Don't feel like a hypocrit. God gave us our minds to use, not to simply follow the leader. Catholicism recognizes the right of conscience as being the central focus of our faith. Our church has erred in many ways, and will continue to because it is run by humans who are very falible. Trust that God has a plan for you and keep yourself open to the possibilities.

kara

[BenL]

Steve,

My story is similar to Kara's, except I never went back to the Catholic Church. I was born and raised in the US in a tight-knit French Canadian community, where being Catholic was as much a part of my ethnic identity as it was my spiritual identity. I even entered a religious order for four years. I loved religious life with one exception. I am gay, and that was not going to work for a variety of reasons. Of course, no one involved in the order would have allowed that I could be sexually celibate if I was gay as my straight brethren were called to be, because in those days I was considered deviant and disordered.

When I left the order, I got a job in a city some distance from where I grew up. I couldn't find a place in the Catholic Church at that time and in that place, so after more than a year, I stopped going all together. But God was still calling me, and through many convolutions after a few years, I was received into the Episcopal Church through the ministry of a parish priest, now deceased, whom I still consider my spiritual father.

I never looked back. I have been involved in the Episcopal Church ever since. Actually, Kara's and my stories resonate with each other. We both found church homes where we could be ourselves unreservedly. I have over the years come to realize that God made me the way I am for a reason, which reason I can only glimpse in my more lucid spiritual moments.

Don't feel guilty. Nothing constructive comes from that self-destructive behavior. Find the good in your situation ... or, if you can't, change your situation. If you are deriving spiritual comfort and, more important, are being challenged spiritually where you are, then stay there. If not, look around. There are many alternatives. Like Kara, you can always return, or like me you may find a new home.

[Daniel]

Don't feel like a hypocrit. God gave us our minds to use, not to simply follow the leader. Catholicism recognizes the right of conscience as being the central focus of our faith. Our church has erred in many ways, and will continue to because it is run by humans who are very falible. Trust that God has a plan for you and keep yourself open to the possibilities.

Don't feel guilty. Nothing constructive comes from that self-destructive behavior. Find the good in your situation ... or, if you can't, change your situation. If you are deriving spiritual comfort and, more important, are being challenged spiritually where you are, then stay there. If not, look around. There are many alternatives. Like Kara, you can always return, or like me you may find a new home.

My husband grew up Catholic, but like Ben, left the church, the odd thing being that, later on, he trained to be a Concert Organist and wound up playing in Catholic churches for his bread and butter. Three of them fired him when it became apparent that he was gay.

Now he plays for an Episcopal church where the Rector is gay and serves at the altar with his spouse. This church is the first place were he's felt like he doesn't have to hide who he is.

I agree with both Kara and Ben: finding a place where you can be yourself is crucial, and any guilt you might be dragging behind you is best left behind. You have a right to own your faith, not it own you.

[justme65]

Thank you all so much for your replies. This is something that I've struggled with since high school. My first reaction was: I'm gay, so what? But then, after having seen and listened to Anita Bryant (popular at that time) and seeing all of the footage they showed of gay men parading around in leather, drag, and *nuns*......I thought, my God, am I going to end up that way??? The nun thing really bothered me. Then I went through a very depressive phase where I knew I was going to burn in hell eternally.

It wasn't until I I started reading about the infallability of the Catholic church; that you *can* not believe everything and still be a good Catholic. It's been slow going ever since.

For awhile I was my own worst enemy. I wanted nothing to do with the gay lifestyle. I didn't deny my sexuality; I just abstained from anything having to do with the GLBT community. From age 20 until age 31 I was single, going to church, and at the same time lost, lonely and confused.

Things have definitely changed in the past ten years. Thanks again for your replies!

Steve

[Pablo Rafael]

Having grown up a Protestant and converted to Catholicism as an adult, I have found to Catholic church to be much less rigid than it is often viewed. I love the church and feel that I belong to a family of believers when I am there.

I feel that God has made each person special. Part of my identity is being gay. I know that some people might not like it, and the church might not officially agree with it, but it is part of who I am. It doesn't bother me that someone might disapprove of me. It also doesn't bother me that I don't agree with the church teaching that all gays must be celibate. Church teachings are written by men who are fallible. I think God deals with each person in an individual way, and gives each of us a different understanding and a different path in life. I find very few Catholics actually who believe that ALL the teachings of the church are right. (In our diocesan newsletter a while back it said that 70% of Catholics in the U.S. disagree with the church's stance on birth control.)

I think the church has moved a long way in its current stance that it is OK to BE gay. Now we just need to progress to the point where the church admits it is OK to be in gay relationships. The time is coming.

In our society the institutions that need the most education and change in regards to LGBT rights are the Christian churches. Those of us on the inside are the most effective at implementing that change. I say: stay in the church, be visible, change people's attitudes. Love will prevail over prejudice.

Pablo

[tdogg]

I'm not Catholic, but was raised pentecostal, A of G. Last year for midnite mass, I went to our local St. Francis Catholic church with my partner and her sister and bro-in-law. I was extremely impressed with the service, the fact that the church is all inclusive and the priest makes a point in discussing that at the beginning, and apologizing for all the wrongs the church has done to GLBTs. I felt very welcome, it was like being at home, loving and happy, and I felt God's presence indeed. Although I do not attend regularly, I've pondered the possibility that I could convert if I go there. (From pentecostal to catholic, that's saying a lot!!)

I do not get that feeling at the churches I'm used to attending. Actually quite the opposite. It's all about finding a church that makes you feel good instead of bad. A church that you look forward to attending. People who make you feel valued and where you can feel God's love. That's the key. A church like that won't mind if you are gay, it will be a good thing.

Glad you found us, hope you stay around and share some more!

Tdogg