need advice...

[tymejumper]

Ok, I need advice. I posted a bit ago about my upcoming wedding(at home, not my Pride wedding in June) and that my brother (and father and grandmother) are having issues about it. I think I only posted my brothers remarks, but suffice it to say that the others on that side are in agreement here.

I have heard the whole "its a sin" crap and "your ruining your children by not giving them a male figure" and so on and so forth. They have made it clear that they do not wish to come nor do they plan on it.

My mother was really pissed off, but she insists that I send invitations to them anyhow as I should have better manners and that they may, and I quote my mother "get their heads out of their asses" in time and change their minds about attending.

She also said its important that they can not hold me accountable for NOT inviting them formally...even if they DONT want to come. She says that they will have no way to say that I did not invite them and that is why they didnt come, there by blaming me, for them not attending. Is this making sense?

I swear to the powers that be, I have the sickest, most manipulative family, on my fathers side, on the face of the earth!(ironically, that is where all the gay people are. 75% of my cousins over there are LGBT)

What do you think? Should I make sure they cant blame me? Should I extent the olive branch and not hope for anything at all in the way of them changing their minds? Or just blow them off? Advice please:eek:

[Daniel]

I wouldn't play family politics with this one.

I invited my family- thinking in all naiveté that they would come, or at least reply or send a present (manners manners manners) Boy. How stupid I was.

No one had any - manners that is- except my parents who did send a card.

This is not your situation. You know how your extended family feels.

Sure. You could send them invitations if it costs you nothing more than a 42 cent stamp. But if you want to prove a point, I don't think this is a the way to do it. If you feel generous- go ahead and do it- and then forget about it.

Do what you want to do. Not what your mother wants you to do, not what anyone else wants you to do. You're getting married, not playing a game- so scoring points is beside the point.

Lastly: another way to think of it is this: say you invite someone you don't want to come and they do, to prove their point- and not a nice one. How will you feel about that?

Surround yourself with those who love you. Really love you.

[Zerbie]

Oh, Danny is wise!

Yes, your wedding is your sacred day. It has to be about the two of you. If you really do not want a certain individual there, do not invite them. As Daniel says, what if they show up, and you feel that their presence has a not so positive influence on how your day goes?

It is entirely your decision, whether you feel best inviting them or no.

Regards depriving your children of male figures in their lives, you might, at some OTHER time (probably don't wanna have this confrontation at your wedding:p), wanna mention to your brother and father themselves are "male figures." You could say "Of course I'm giving them male figures - they have you!!" Well. I dunno if you would really want to go there, but it's something I might think of saying. (Is it good I don't have kids? I dunno! :p)

Back to the point: your wedding is about the two of you. It is not an excuse for the rest of the extended family to go ape shit. It is a proclamation of SACRED VOWS. Not a reality TV show.

[Daniel]

Back to the point: your wedding is about the two of you. It is not an excuse for the rest of the extended family to go ape shit. It is a proclamation of SACRED VOWS. Not a reality TV show.

Not a reality show.

And we did learn one thing when we got married: it brings the best and the worst out of people. I don't know why. But it does. Kinda like funerals. Big moments...weddings and funerals.

One half of a gay couple we invited freaked out on the way to the wedding and they didn't arrive until the dinner we planned later that evening. Go figure. Sorry to say....but we're not friends any more. So it's not always the straight people one has to think about......

This kind of occasion pushes everyone's buttons. Just make sure yours are in place. ;)

[Zerbie]

Not a reality show.

And we did learn one thing when we got married: it brings the best and the worst out of people. I don't know why. But it does. Kinda like funerals. Big moments...weddings and funerals.

One half of a gay couple we invited freaked out on the way to the wedding and they didn't arrive until the dinner we planned later that evening. Go figure. Sorry to say....but we're not friends any more. So it's not always the straight people one has to think about......

This kind of occasion pushes everyone's buttons. Just make sure yours are in place. ;)

:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

"Freaked out"?????? What the heck was there to freak out about halfway to a wedding ceremony?

How come it wound up ending the friendship?? :confused: Did it turn into a big drama for some reason?

Our wedding was blessed. The only thing that went wrong, well okay, two things, were: 1. the caterer forgot the salads (I still remember I ordered fantasia salads and was SO looking forward to them :() and 2. we married in a friend's house and after all the fuss creating an aisle for me to walk down in the wedding dress, the friend forgot I was entering from the back of the room and pushed me out a side door right into the "altar", so there was no walking down the aisle with Dad. :o
No one went ape shit. Miraculously. DH and the maid of honor were on the verge of panic the entire morning. I kept calming them down. :lol::lol:

Tyme - sorry for the thread-divergence.

[Daniel]

"Freaked out"?????? What the heck was there to freak out about halfway to a wedding ceremony?

How come it wound up ending the friendship?? :confused: Did it turn into a big drama for some reason?

The person in question took a matter that was not personal personally: it involved a hotel reservation which was resolved the day before.....the hotel messed up.....and I corrected it....but this was perceived somehow as a slight on my part and in the 4 hour drive to Saratoga Springs....well....the wheels came off the car...so to speak...the person in question was dealing....at the time...with his father who he felt was always undercutting him. Chalk it up to sheer paranioa and utter projection with a good dose of the couple's own commitment to each other thrown in. And even after the couple arrived and explanations and apologies given and the diagnosis for the problem freely offered up by the man himself....the same man would not give up feeling slighted in the weeks following...and kept digging into a wound this writer did not create but was made to feel responsible for. So....that was the end of that.

Stupid. Petty. Dumb.

What the hell do I know? You can't make this stuff up if you were writing a book. People just got nuts!

Oh....yes.....sorry for the digression!

PS- at this last year's Gay Pride I saw the other half of the couple in the parade and we greeted each other warmly.....and that's all I know......of into the ether he went...

[Vanessa White]

except for the digressions; haven't had my wedding yet, so can't identify. But I would have typed/written almost word for word what they did.

Great minds do what????!?!?:lol:

Seriously, this is YOUR special day. No room for having to work out someone else's crap at your special occasion. :love:

[Cephus]

To me it sounds like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. As you mentioned they could blame not coming on not being invited and act hurt, but they could also take offence to being invited after openly expressing their distain. People who want to hold a grudge will hold it by any means necessary.
So I say do what you want. Worry about your own feeling on this one, not about those who have probably already decided how they're going to feel either way.

[keltic63]

planning a wedding creates enough stress for the couple. take my word for it, we've already experienced wedding-induced stress. why add to it from friends and family who just can't get on board the love train? cross 'em off the list, they don't want to be there anyway.

[tymejumper]

Oh....yes.....sorry for the digression!


No, really its ok. It makes me a bit less nervous that everyone else survived other wedding issues and nightmares.

Maybe we should just elope??????:lol::lol::lol:


I know what you are geting at saying that what if they show up. I can't really say how relieved I was that they didn't want to come, but I would really like my brother there with his support. I doubt that will happen. I would love my neice there also, but that DEFINATELY will not happen. I might corrupt her and make her gay!:rolleyes:

Zerbie, I am not sure I want my brother and fathers attitudes passed onto my son, especially now. He is 11 and questioning weather he is gay or straight. I am really afraid he will get their attitude and grow up like me, thinking he is less loveable and less of a decent person because he is gay or bi.

The really good thing I think about it all is that I have the chance to do it right and the way I want it done this time. I really don't want it ruined by their attitudes and disapprovals.

[tymejumper]

planning a wedding creates enough stress for the couple. take my word for it, we've already experienced wedding-induced stress. why add to it from friends and family who just can't get on board the love train? cross 'em off the list, they don't want to be there anyway.



It's creating stress alright, I'll be lucky if Ellie can get through her vows before passing out!:lol: She gets really nervous in crowds. :lol: I think I will wait for them to contact me if their attitudes change about it all.

Thankyou for everyones comments, it does help to hear that I should just follow my instincts and do what I want. The best part of a gay wedding is that I don't have to follow hetero customs!