Unmasked
03-10-2008, 09:34 AM
I post so infrequently, I mean to be here more often, but life has been way too busy lately. Evil midterms and papers due. But I thought of you all while working on my cultural observation assignment (I'm doing LGBT). Well more specifically I thought of U-Dog felt a little bad for not keeping in touch. Anyhow, I just wanted to touch base and tell you all that I miss you, and I'm doing alright. I'm starting to come out of my shell a little more, I've joined a roleplaying group on campus (playing as an Islamic boy, it's so fun!), and I'm trying to take more responsibility. On that second note, keep me in your prayers, specifically that I can keep this responsibility thing up past the end of this week (when like three of my papers are due). I'm finally starting to realize how much I cheated myself by slacking off in high school and the early parts of this year. I know that life is more important than the grades I get, but so much of my procrastination was meaningless.
As I see it, the reason I could never see why I should do those things that I didn't wish to do, like my math homework and such was not so much that I didn't see the value, as much as it was that I didn't know what I wanted or where I was going. I knew what people expected of me, and I knew what my mom wanted, and I turned away, almost as if out of spite. But I never went the way of the prodigal. I became another jaded teen who didn't really care what what was going on. Even today I question the path I am walking down, which may be why my walk isn't as quick as everybody else believes that theirs should be. The truth is, I always have done things rather slowly. I walk slowly, without purpose, looking at everything around me. In the spring and summer I will stop to smell the flowers, and laugh because most of them don't have a terribly pleasant scent. In the fall, winter, and early spring (Michigan, it's always cold) I'll wander out and exhale more than I really need to, just so I can the mist that my breath makes. I always had a hard time with doing things in steps. My dad says that I never did any of those little phrases that kids do, but I just started speaking in full sentences, slightly later than most kids start playing with words, but with a greater proficiency. I did that with a lot of things I hear. I still do that, especially with ideas. My ex always would get frustrated when I had an epiphany, because she said that she had been telling me that same thing for ages, to which I'd reply I wasn't listening, but that's only partly true. I heard every word she said to me, but really, I have to come to things in my own way for them to have any meaning for me. I have to experience things for them to become real to me. It comes a lot slower that way, and I suffer for it, but in the end, I don't mind walking through thorns. I feel my relationships strained, especially with my mom, but as I realize all of these things, I've had one more. I don't think I've ever felt quite as real as I do right now. My senses feel sharpened, my mind feels clear, and things seem meaningful. I think, that's what I've always wanted. Meaning. I never cared much for purpose, but I've always wanted things to be meaningful. I still don't know what I want to do with my life and my education, and I still question the path that I have started on, wondering if I should switch to history or education as I swore I would never do. I guess, I'm not ready to be a grown-up yet. Or...I don't want to be ready. Some days I do kind of wish that I could wake up and be a small boy again, and to dream those big dreams of archeology or acting. But when you are thrown into the water and told to swim, there isn't time for dreaming.
And my laptop is dying, so I need to save everything and charge it up.
As I see it, the reason I could never see why I should do those things that I didn't wish to do, like my math homework and such was not so much that I didn't see the value, as much as it was that I didn't know what I wanted or where I was going. I knew what people expected of me, and I knew what my mom wanted, and I turned away, almost as if out of spite. But I never went the way of the prodigal. I became another jaded teen who didn't really care what what was going on. Even today I question the path I am walking down, which may be why my walk isn't as quick as everybody else believes that theirs should be. The truth is, I always have done things rather slowly. I walk slowly, without purpose, looking at everything around me. In the spring and summer I will stop to smell the flowers, and laugh because most of them don't have a terribly pleasant scent. In the fall, winter, and early spring (Michigan, it's always cold) I'll wander out and exhale more than I really need to, just so I can the mist that my breath makes. I always had a hard time with doing things in steps. My dad says that I never did any of those little phrases that kids do, but I just started speaking in full sentences, slightly later than most kids start playing with words, but with a greater proficiency. I did that with a lot of things I hear. I still do that, especially with ideas. My ex always would get frustrated when I had an epiphany, because she said that she had been telling me that same thing for ages, to which I'd reply I wasn't listening, but that's only partly true. I heard every word she said to me, but really, I have to come to things in my own way for them to have any meaning for me. I have to experience things for them to become real to me. It comes a lot slower that way, and I suffer for it, but in the end, I don't mind walking through thorns. I feel my relationships strained, especially with my mom, but as I realize all of these things, I've had one more. I don't think I've ever felt quite as real as I do right now. My senses feel sharpened, my mind feels clear, and things seem meaningful. I think, that's what I've always wanted. Meaning. I never cared much for purpose, but I've always wanted things to be meaningful. I still don't know what I want to do with my life and my education, and I still question the path that I have started on, wondering if I should switch to history or education as I swore I would never do. I guess, I'm not ready to be a grown-up yet. Or...I don't want to be ready. Some days I do kind of wish that I could wake up and be a small boy again, and to dream those big dreams of archeology or acting. But when you are thrown into the water and told to swim, there isn't time for dreaming.
And my laptop is dying, so I need to save everything and charge it up.