scared

[never_again4]

So, I have been a member of this site for awhile... never knew I could post on it. Just kind of used it to get news about what was going on when Soulforce was protesting my college.
But now I am on here...
My name is Amanda Lee. I am scared to write in here because of what I do... I am a bible college student and a minister. I cannot fully come out yet because of those things (among others). If I am found out I could be kicked out of school or lose my housing at my job.
I am 23 and really struggling with my sexual identity and trying to deal with all the crap I am getting.
I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!
I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it. Everything sucks right now and I am tired of hurting...
Sorry so long... Point is, I guess, I am new. Hello, my name is...

[keltic63]

Welcome Amanda! :love::love::love: {{{{{hugs}}}}}

You'll find plenty of love around here, I'm sure of that. There are a few bi friends here, and many gay christians. we've got people who have to check the "other" box when it comes to religion!

someone who might be able to help you with the bi issues is Zerbie.....



oh Zerbie, dear, could you speak to our new member Amanda?

[paul]

Hi Amanda :wave:,

In addition to there being some bi here who will relate (Zerbie is a great one Keltic), there are many BLTG people here who will accept you for who you are. There are also a few ministers.:love: You will benefit if you take the time to hang out, talk, make friends, be. I know this is not as good as 3d but it is much better than being alone.

It sounds to me like you have been going through the process of self realization and self acceptance. Had you fully accepted yourself prior to college, I suspect you would have chosen a place that is more affirming? Now that you accept who you are, have you considered going somewhere where you can be who you are?:love:
paul

[Vanessa White]

First of all: YOU ARE SAFE HERE. I am so glad that you discovered the ability to post; check in with posts as often as you need.

All is not lost; being here will definitely help you along in your journey. And, as an out lesbian, I am telling you: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE. Keltic is right: Zerbie can help you out in that department most definitely. Others do not have the right to define who we are or what brings our bliss. You can be bisexual and Christian, and feel really good about it as well. It will come; please hang in there and have faith. I send you peace, love and hugs, Vanessa :love::love::love::love:

[daniel Ray]

So, I have been a member of this site for awhile... never knew I could post on it. Just kind of used it to get news about what was going on when Soulforce was protesting my college.
But now I am on here...
My name is Amanda Lee. I am scared to write in here because of what I do... I am a bible college student and a minister. I cannot fully come out yet because of those things (among others). If I am found out I could be kicked out of school or lose my housing at my job.

Hi Amanda Lee! Thanks for shareing. I believe you are safe on this site, please please try not to be afraid. It is understandable under your circumstances, i would also have those concerns.

I am 23 and really struggling with my sexual identity and trying to deal with all the crap I am getting.
I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!

I think i understand your position, it's simple in that people tend to choose a side to identify with concerning most issues in life. Just remember that the most important choice is your choice. Do be yourself, you will find that by doing that you will be happy and eventually i believe when those who love you realize your happiness they will be happy for you or at least stop giving you such a hard time.

I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it. Everything sucks right now and I am tired of hurting...
Sorry so long... Point is, I guess, I am new. Hello, my name is...

There are many gay believers on here who will be able to offer you support. Things change with time Amanda Lee, eventually the hurting will subside. I know what it feels like and how difficult it is, just hang in, keep your focus on love and the savior Jesus Christ who encourages us to love ourselves; as we are.

"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1: 3,4

You are precious in his sight.

[Daniel]

Welcome.

You aren't the only one here who is Bi.

Zerbie- who- I am sure- will show up on this thread any minute now. She's the gal to yak to- she knows what you're going through- being Bi herself. And she's a mensch.

Glad you posted and jumped in the water. It's warm. And you are warmly welcomed to pull up a chair and put up your tired feet.

Peace and joy to you,

Daniel

[Zerbie]

Oh my, with a fanfare like that what can I possibly add to the discussion that will live up to the introduction!? :eek: :p:) :love:

Dear Amanda, I'm so glad you posted here. Feel free to PM me anytime if you feel like it.

As the others have said, I'm bisexual, and some of them may remember me posting that in my early 20s I felt so pressured to know whether I was straight or gay, that I labeled myself lesbian, came out waving flags, and was an out lesbian (I thought) for a few years. Then discovered to my incredible embarrassment that I had gotten it wrong. :o:o :rolleyes: I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't felt like it needed to be one or the other. The pressure in my case came mostly from inside - I was aware of biphobia in the straight AND gay community, and somehow I had gotten my brain locked into assuming that the only viable orientations were mutually exclusive. Now years later, I *still* have to make explanations to people who knew me when. :rolleyes:

My advice to you is to toss off the objections that say you can't be bisexual and have to "choose," because those are statements based in complete ignorance. You know your feelings, they don't. If they don't accept your explanation, then they aren't really listening and I'd question how much of a friend they really are.

There are people out there of both genders who are NOT biphobic (sometimes we have to educate them, other times they already "get it"), so yes you WILL eventually be able to locate a date for Friday night. ;) Sometimes we have to sift through some biphobic people on the way to finding one. All the BS from lesbians about never dating a bisexual woman 'cuz she'll leave you for a man is stupid as stupid can be. I was really crazy about this one lesbian girl for a while, and guess what? I was the bisexual, she was the "lesbian," and *she* left *me* for a man. Guess that punches some holes in their theory. :p

I relate to your trepidation about coming out right now, given your circumstances. So don't. Be safe. It is NOT worth losing housing over - believe me, I know. I've been through something similar; it was a nightmare.

Take your time and finish your degree first. Or, as Paul suggests, consider transferring to a more open institution to finish your degree. :) For now, be safe, know that your feelings are perfectly fine, and focus on taking care of yourself - spirit, mind, and also your classwork, etc.

I'm glad you're here. Please feel free to come back and post more, ask questions, whatever ya like.

:love:

[Gennee]

So, I have been a member of this site for awhile... never knew I could post on it. Just kind of used it to get news about what was going on when Soulforce was protesting my college.
But now I am on here...
My name is Amanda Lee. I am scared to write in here because of what I do... I am a bible college student and a minister. I cannot fully come out yet because of those things (among others). If I am found out I could be kicked out of school or lose my housing at my job.
I am 23 and really struggling with my sexual identity and trying to deal with all the crap I am getting.
I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!
I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it. Everything sucks right now and I am tired of hurting...
Sorry so long... Point is, I guess, I am new. Hello, my name is...


First of all, welcome to Soulforce. Praise God that you are bisexual. No one should make you choose to be someone that you not. I have been reaching out to the bisexual community and have met some wonderful people. I am a transgender individual who believes that we need to support each other. I just finished praying for you my sister and I will continue doing so. Be happy with who you are and be honored that you are a special person in God's sight.

Gennee
:love::love::pray::love::love:

[tymejumper]

I am Bi. So not only is it difficult to come out... but when I start to share I not only get it from the straight people, but also from the lesbian community. I am tired of people telling me I need to choose lesbian or straight... I am bi... that is not how it works. I want to be me! I am tired of pretending and making people happy! AHHHHH!
I hope I can make some Bi friends on here or meet some new people who are gay and christians... I just need some support or I am not going to make it.


Welcome Amanda:p You will meet a lot of nice people here, and many bisexual people also. Some of us are Christain and some of us arn't but we all are pretty nice. Zerbie is Bi and married to a man. I for a long time identified as Bi also. I now ID as lesbian, but I got SO much grief from the lesbian community about my Bi label. People would tell me that I was confused and that I had to choose one or the other. There really were no supports for the Bi community and it was very difficult to be gay, much less Bi.

A few women would say "I would not date a bisexual woman because you can't trust them to be faithful and they will leave you for a man" This was actually at a suport group for women that were in the process of coming out. I ended up going to therapy because I was in so much pain, and I determined that lesbian was closer an orientation for me. I have NEVER forgotten the discrimination I faced and I will NEVER feel that you have to be with men OR women and that Bi is just a confusion stage. I did not change my label to be more accepted in the lesbian community, and I still am a big proponent for acceptance of all shades of the gay spectrum.

Luckily, my wife was not upset by the Bi label. I remember her friends were very upset that I would cheat or treat her badly. I actually had to come out to her as a lesbian:lol:

So, whatever you identify as welcome to soulforce and you are around friends and family here.

Much Metta,
Rebekah

[tymejumper]

As the others have said, I'm bisexual, and some of them may remember me posting that in my early 20s I felt so pressured to know whether I was straight or gay, that I labeled myself lesbian, came out waving flags, and was an out lesbian (I thought) for a few years. Then discovered to my incredible embarrassment that I had gotten it wrong. :o:o :rolleyes: I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't felt like it needed to be one or the other. The pressure in my case came mostly from inside - I was aware of biphobia in the straight AND gay community, and somehow I had gotten my brain locked into assuming that the only viable orientations were mutually exclusive. Now years later, I *still* have to make explanations to people who knew me when. :rolleyes:



I forgot that happened to you Zerbie. I think I kinda remember having a chat via posts about that. It's strange isnt it? I came roaring out of that closet waving the Bi flag, and found out that I had it wrong, and the exact same thing happened to you but opposite!:lol::lol::lol: I also still have to explain to other people that I now say I am lesbian and not Bi.:p People were and are even angry at me because I didn't identify as lesbian first! I was filled with guilt over it all because I felt that now I had added to that STUPID belief that ALL Bisexuals are just confused and that they are actually one or the other.

Some people still snob me because I was married to a man before I was married to Ellie. They say I am not a "real" lesbian because I had sex with a man so therefore I am and will always be Bi and saying I am a lesbian just is my way of taking from the lesbian community! I just can't win!:lol::lol::lol:

Its pretty darn sad that we even have to explain why and how we love who we love. I can only assume that it is because others are insecure about who THEY love and that is why it's a problem.

[Zerbie]

It's strange isnt it? I came roaring out of that closet waving the Bi flag, and found out that I had it wrong, and the exact same thing happened to you but opposite!: I also still have to explain to other people that I now say I am lesbian and not Bi.

:lol::lol: :D Well, actually, to over-complicate, first I said I was bi - but I only told, like, 3 people. Then I came out as lesbian, and told The Whole World. Then I discovered I really was bi like I thought in the first place.

It was a bad experience at a bisexual support group that led me to conclude I wasn't bi, but was lesbian instead. :rolleyes: Because I didn't want to be like the people I met there, so I thought if I just aligned myself with a different *word,* it would make the difference. :rolleyes:
:lol:


People were and are even angry at me because I didn't identify as lesbian first! I was filled with guilt over it all because I felt that now I had added to that STUPID belief that ALL Bisexuals are just confused and that they are actually one or the other.
Don't indulge in guilt. If you had done it as I did, you might - as I was - have been filled with guilt for 'betraying the lesbian sisterhood.'
:rolleyes:
Can't win with this junk, we really can't. We can only shake our heads and laugh at all the silliness.
:p ;)



Some people still snob me because I was married to a man before I was married to Ellie. They say I am not a "real" lesbian because I had sex with a man so therefore I am and will always be Bi and saying I am a lesbian just is my way of taking from the lesbian community! I just can't win!:lol::lol::lol:


That *really* ticks me off. Like they know anything about you or your life! Who are they that they think they know? Do they shun ANY woman who came out a bit later in life? Gee, what a nice bunch. :rolleyes: I suppose they would say any gay man who had married a woman in an attempt to turn straight is not and never was gay, either?? Or does that not matter because men are The Enemy? :rolleyes:

I'd be glad the folks with attitudes like that leave me alone. They sound really mean! :(

Oh hang on - "taking" from the lesbian community??? Just what are you supposedly "taking????" :eek: :mad::mad::mad:

Well, I'm sorry those ladies cannot celebrate love. They are really missing out.
:(

[tdogg]

Hi Amanda, and welcome to Soulforce!!! :wave:

Glad you found your way here. You'll find this is a great place, full of friends. So you are Bi? Awesome. :D That means the world is your oyster! :cookie: (ok, maybe your cookie??)

I think you'll find lots of support here. The more the merrier! I'm a lesbian (been there, done that, vastly prefer women all around), and I admire all bisexual people. I feel bisexuals are more evolved. Minds more open. Spirits are freer.

Hang out any time you want some great conversation, a safe place to air your thoughts, or just a cyber hug! :love:

Tdogg

[never_again4]

Welcome Amanda! :love::love::love: {{{{{hugs}}}}}

You'll find plenty of love around here, I'm sure of that. There are a few bi friends here, and many gay christians. we've got people who have to check the "other" box when it comes to religion!

someone who might be able to help you with the bi issues is Zerbie.....



oh Zerbie, dear, could you speak to our new member Amanda?
thanks for the welcome ;)

[never_again4]

Hi Amanda :wave:,

In addition to there being some bi here who will relate (Zerbie is a great one Keltic), there are many BLTG people here who will accept you for who you are. There are also a few ministers.:love: You will benefit if you take the time to hang out, talk, make friends, be. I know this is not as good as 3d but it is much better than being alone.

It sounds to me like you have been going through the process of self realization and self acceptance. Had you fully accepted yourself prior to college, I suspect you would have chosen a place that is more affirming? Now that you accept who you are, have you considered going somewhere where you can be who you are?:love:
paul
thanks Paul
I will try to hang out in here as much as possible... I don't have the internet, but I will try my best ;)

I had feelings growing up that I fought against very hard... I thought homosexuality was wrong. I fought it and struggled off and on with liking women. Then I came to MN for college and I continued to struggle and everyone in my friend group seemed to be coming out and leaving school (all of my friends even in church have mostly been gay) and it created more confusion for me. And the nagging of those friends "when are you going to come out, Amanda" and such didn't help my feelings.
So I guess the struggle became to much and I got tired of pretending... then trying to come out and accept myself is not something that is fully done. I still struggle with feeling like I am going to hell or that I can't come out because I have too much to lose. But it is where I find myself at this moment and I can't really transfer schools because this is my 5th year and I go to a Bible College, which means that most all of my credits would not transfer and I would have to start over again. Which means I spent all that time and money for nothing which is something I am not prepared to do...
I'm still working on accepting me...

[never_again4]

First of all: YOU ARE SAFE HERE. I am so glad that you discovered the ability to post; check in with posts as often as you need.

All is not lost; being here will definitely help you along in your journey. And, as an out lesbian, I am telling you: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE. Keltic is right: Zerbie can help you out in that department most definitely. Others do not have the right to define who we are or what brings our bliss. You can be bisexual and Christian, and feel really good about it as well. It will come; please hang in there and have faith. I send you peace, love and hugs, Vanessa :love::love::love::love:
thanks Vanessa
I hope it will come... soon
I will do my best to hang on ;)

[never_again4]

Hi Amanda Lee! Thanks for shareing. I believe you are safe on this site, please please try not to be afraid. It is understandable under your circumstances, i would also have those concerns.



I think i understand your position, it's simple in that people tend to choose a side to identify with concerning most issues in life. Just remember that the most important choice is your choice. Do be yourself, you will find that by doing that you will be happy and eventually i believe when those who love you realize your happiness they will be happy for you or at least stop giving you such a hard time.



There are many gay believers on here who will be able to offer you support. Things change with time Amanda Lee, eventually the hurting will subside. I know what it feels like and how difficult it is, just hang in, keep your focus on love and the savior Jesus Christ who encourages us to love ourselves; as we are.

"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1: 3,4

You are precious in his sight.
Thanks Daniel
I hope the hurting will subside... it seems everything is crazy and such right now. But I am finding some people who are supporting me. Thanks for your post. :)

[never_again4]

Welcome.

You aren't the only one here who is Bi.

Zerbie- who- I am sure- will show up on this thread any minute now. She's the gal to yak to- she knows what you're going through- being Bi herself. And she's a mensch.

Glad you posted and jumped in the water. It's warm. And you are warmly welcomed to pull up a chair and put up your tired feet.

Peace and joy to you,

Daniel
thanks for the post Daniel ;)

[never_again4]

Oh my, with a fanfare like that what can I possibly add to the discussion that will live up to the introduction!? :eek: :p:) :love:

Dear Amanda, I'm so glad you posted here. Feel free to PM me anytime if you feel like it.

As the others have said, I'm bisexual, and some of them may remember me posting that in my early 20s I felt so pressured to know whether I was straight or gay, that I labeled myself lesbian, came out waving flags, and was an out lesbian (I thought) for a few years. Then discovered to my incredible embarrassment that I had gotten it wrong. :o:o :rolleyes: I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't felt like it needed to be one or the other. The pressure in my case came mostly from inside - I was aware of biphobia in the straight AND gay community, and somehow I had gotten my brain locked into assuming that the only viable orientations were mutually exclusive. Now years later, I *still* have to make explanations to people who knew me when. :rolleyes:

My advice to you is to toss off the objections that say you can't be bisexual and have to "choose," because those are statements based in complete ignorance. You know your feelings, they don't. If they don't accept your explanation, then they aren't really listening and I'd question how much of a friend they really are.

There are people out there of both genders who are NOT biphobic (sometimes we have to educate them, other times they already "get it"), so yes you WILL eventually be able to locate a date for Friday night. ;) Sometimes we have to sift through some biphobic people on the way to finding one. All the BS from lesbians about never dating a bisexual woman 'cuz she'll leave you for a man is stupid as stupid can be. I was really crazy about this one lesbian girl for a while, and guess what? I was the bisexual, she was the "lesbian," and *she* left *me* for a man. Guess that punches some holes in their theory. :p

I relate to your trepidation about coming out right now, given your circumstances. So don't. Be safe. It is NOT worth losing housing over - believe me, I know. I've been through something similar; it was a nightmare.

Take your time and finish your degree first. Or, as Paul suggests, consider transferring to a more open institution to finish your degree. :) For now, be safe, know that your feelings are perfectly fine, and focus on taking care of yourself - spirit, mind, and also your classwork, etc.

I'm glad you're here. Please feel free to come back and post more, ask questions, whatever ya like.

:love:
thanks Zerbie...
I will msg you

[never_again4]

First of all, welcome to Soulforce. Praise God that you are bisexual. No one should make you choose to be someone that you not. I have been reaching out to the bisexual community and have met some wonderful people. I am a transgender individual who believes that we need to support each other. I just finished praying for you my sister and I will continue doing so. Be happy with who you are and be honored that you are a special person in God's sight.

Gennee
:love::love::pray::love::love:
thanks Gennee...
I appreciate your prayers ;)

[never_again4]

Welcome Amanda:p You will meet a lot of nice people here, and many bisexual people also. Some of us are Christain and some of us arn't but we all are pretty nice. Zerbie is Bi and married to a man. I for a long time identified as Bi also. I now ID as lesbian, but I got SO much grief from the lesbian community about my Bi label. People would tell me that I was confused and that I had to choose one or the other. There really were no supports for the Bi community and it was very difficult to be gay, much less Bi.

A few women would say "I would not date a bisexual woman because you can't trust them to be faithful and they will leave you for a man" This was actually at a suport group for women that were in the process of coming out. I ended up going to therapy because I was in so much pain, and I determined that lesbian was closer an orientation for me. I have NEVER forgotten the discrimination I faced and I will NEVER feel that you have to be with men OR women and that Bi is just a confusion stage. I did not change my label to be more accepted in the lesbian community, and I still am a big proponent for acceptance of all shades of the gay spectrum.

Luckily, my wife was not upset by the Bi label. I remember her friends were very upset that I would cheat or treat her badly. I actually had to come out to her as a lesbian:lol:

So, whatever you identify as welcome to soulforce and you are around friends and family here.

Much Metta,
Rebekah
thanks for share Rebekah...
it sucks that many have that bad experience.
the LGBT community seems to go after their own because it is easier and more comfortable... it is sad

[never_again4]

I forgot that happened to you Zerbie. I think I kinda remember having a chat via posts about that. It's strange isnt it? I came roaring out of that closet waving the Bi flag, and found out that I had it wrong, and the exact same thing happened to you but opposite!:lol::lol::lol: I also still have to explain to other people that I now say I am lesbian and not Bi.:p People were and are even angry at me because I didn't identify as lesbian first! I was filled with guilt over it all because I felt that now I had added to that STUPID belief that ALL Bisexuals are just confused and that they are actually one or the other.

Some people still snob me because I was married to a man before I was married to Ellie. They say I am not a "real" lesbian because I had sex with a man so therefore I am and will always be Bi and saying I am a lesbian just is my way of taking from the lesbian community! I just can't win!:lol::lol::lol:

Its pretty darn sad that we even have to explain why and how we love who we love. I can only assume that it is because others are insecure about who THEY love and that is why it's a problem.
that is ridiculous! I can't believe people sometimes...

[never_again4]

That *really* ticks me off. Like they know anything about you or your life! Who are they that they think they know? Do they shun ANY woman who came out a bit later in life? Gee, what a nice bunch. :rolleyes: I suppose they would say any gay man who had married a woman in an attempt to turn straight is not and never was gay, either?? Or does that not matter because men are The Enemy? :rolleyes:

I'd be glad the folks with attitudes like that leave me alone. They sound really mean! :(

Oh hang on - "taking" from the lesbian community??? Just what are you supposedly "taking????" :eek: :mad::mad::mad:

Well, I'm sorry those ladies cannot celebrate love. They are really missing out.
:(
makes me mad too...
it is sad that this is a common experience.
some people are ignorant and mean

[never_again4]

Hi Amanda, and welcome to Soulforce!!! :wave:

Glad you found your way here. You'll find this is a great place, full of friends. So you are Bi? Awesome. :D That means the world is your oyster! :cookie: (ok, maybe your cookie??)

I think you'll find lots of support here. The more the merrier! I'm a lesbian (been there, done that, vastly prefer women all around), and I admire all bisexual people. I feel bisexuals are more evolved. Minds more open. Spirits are freer.

Hang out any time you want some great conversation, a safe place to air your thoughts, or just a cyber hug! :love:

Tdogg
thanks Tdogg...
I will try to come in here more often and chat and get to know some people
thanks for your welcome ;)

[scott snedeker]

Amanda,

I think you will find that nothing that you do is a waste of time. In time you will look back and see that this moment, this very moment you are precisely where you are supposed to be. You are growing emotionally and spiritually. This is a necessary time and the activities you are doing now are essential ingredients for your next phase.

For a while I needed a spiritual teacher. I called him the keeper of my heart spirit. He taught me many things. Once I believed my inner spirit to be broken. He corrected me. It only felt broken because I was disconnected from it. I learned to connect with it by doing what was right for me. In time I understood that he was right. That I was not sick or broken, but complete and varied and in fact doing my best. I just did not see it at the time

"Scotty when you are doing what you are supposed to, the universe conspires to help you."

And boy! did the universe make this apparent in boundless abundance beyond my imagining once I came in tune with my inner spirit.

When you post here and get responses and feel good, that feeling is the awareness of your inner being. Who loves you dearly and cherishes you. I know that you are entitled to be chershed. I know that within you is a treasure of love waiting to be opened and activated!

And the bisexuality of you nature; May be you are polyamorous-- like me. In which case loving more than one person intimately is fidelity ---as it is for me

Polyamory is foreign to many, But familiar and natural to many also.

Be true to your nature and love and joy will be let in. I promise

:love::love::love:

[never_again4]

thank you for the support
it is nice to see so many people who are open to different things and who can welcome people regardless of what they call themselves.
I appreciate it.
I am going to try to be in here more often and get to know some people and build a community of support that I can go to...
thank you all

I guess I won't comment on everyone's post... doesn't seem like everyone does that. Haha, takes up a lot of room.

thanks

later
~Amanda Lee

[never_again4]

Amanda,

I think you will find that nothing that you do is a waste of time. In time you will look back and see that this moment, this very moment you are precisely where you are supposed to be. You are growing emotionally and spiritually. This is a necessary time and the activities you are doing now are essential ingredients for your next phase.

For a while I needed a spiritual teacher. I called him the keeper of my heart spirit. He taught me many things. Once I believed my inner spirit to be broken. He corrected me. It only felt broken because I was disconnected from it. I learned to connect with it by doing what was right for me. In time I understood that he was right. That I was not sick or broken, but complete and varied and in fact doing my best. I just did not see it at the time

"Scotty when you are doing what you are supposed to, the universe conspires to help you."

And boy! did the universe make this apparent in boundless abundance beyond my imagining once I came in tune with my inner spirit.

When you post here and get responses and feel good, that feeling is the awareness of your inner being. Who loves you dearly and cherishes you. I know that you are entitled to be chershed. I know that within you is a treasure of love waiting to be opened and activated!

And the bisexuality of you nature; May be you are polyamorous-- like me. In which case loving more than one person intimately is fidelity ---as it is for me

Polyamory is foreign to many, But familiar and natural to many also.

Be true to your nature and love and joy will be let in. I promise

:love::love::love:
Thanks Scotty.
that really jives with me... being in the now. When I am able to stay in the NOW everything seems to work out. The trick is being able to stay there...
I too often live in the past or project way into the future and then I get all messed up.
But I just need to remember it is life on life's terms...
To Thine Own Self Be True.
thanks for the reminder

[tymejumper]

makes me mad too...
it is sad that this is a common experience.
some people are ignorant and mean


You would think that our 'family' would be more accepting of us all. We have been labled for so long by the hetero community that it is unfair and silly that we lable ourselves. I know of some people that get upset if one gay man is to 'Queeny' or another lesbian is too 'dykey'. People just judge the heck out of you and they don't seem to care if it hurts you or not. That is why I am glad there are places such as this site, you get a chance to chat and get support, so you can find out that others have had the same experiences as you. It helps to know we are all in the same boat and how others solved their problems also.

[never_again4]

yeah, this happens a lot in oppressed communities... it is sad because you would think they would learn and not be oppressors themselves, but it often happens.
called "horizontal violence" where oppressed people tend to vent their frustrations and despair on their peers in an aggressive, often violent way because they feel unable to strike back at the oppressor and instead strike out against their own people where it seems more safe to do so.
very unfortunate :(
yeah, I am hoping to find a supportive community here... :)

[Daniel]

A few posts ago you mentioned about being in bible school and not willing to give that up just to be open about your sexuality.

That's something I understand, because I started to realize that I was major gay when I was at Evangel College and getting my Music Ed degree. Heck- I didn't have hardly one iota of 'experience' with anyone- was too scared to- but I stuck it out and got that degree. And it was important for me to do so, as it is for you. I think you are doing the right thing as far as that goes.

I know it's hard: it's like living in two worlds at the same time. Eventually they will mesh together, but not until you have that piece of paper in your hand that no-one can take back. Then you will have more latitude, less worry, and more self-determination.

Know what? My college just send me the latest newsletter, and I've always sent in news of myself over the years and it was rejected (I came out to my college at my 10 year reunion). However- it finally made it in- I think- because there is a new editor. :lol: So the world can- and is- changing. And what do I know? Maybe they really have changed their tune a tiny bit.

Like Scotty, I agree, nothing you do is a waste of time. Let us know when you graduate (this Spring?) and we'll have a virtual celebration. :love:

And check out the Soulforce in 3D thread. There is a meeting of forum members here in NYC June 28th. Please consider yourself invited!

[never_again4]

Daniel.
wow, trying to come out at Evangel... I can imagine the Parent's Organization now. That would be tough. It is awesome you finally got in the newsletter though.
I'm at North Central.
haha, I wish I was graduating that soon... I am stuck here until May 2010. I have 3 majors (Deaf Culture Studies, Psychology, and Alcohol & Drug Counseling) and I have had to retake a lot of classes. I could drop 2 majors and graduate December 2008, but I really want to finish all of them because that is the area I want to be in... but I wish I were finished.
Thinking about it now I don't know if I can make it... maybe I should just do the Deaf major and get out of there. I don't know! Ahhhh! Anyway, I need to think about that.
hmmmm, NY... I will check that out. Maybe find other 3D meetings.
Thanks for the post ;)
really appreciate it.
~AL

[Daniel]

Daniel.
wow, trying to come out at Evangel... I can imagine the Parent's Organization now. That would be tough. It is awesome you finally got in the newsletter though.
I'm at North Central.
haha, I wish I was graduating that soon... I am stuck here until May 2010. I have 3 majors (Deaf Culture Studies, Psychology, and Alcohol & Drug Counseling) and I have had to retake a lot of classes. I could drop 2 majors and graduate December 2008, but I really want to finish all of them because that is the area I want to be in... but I wish I were finished.
Thinking about it now I don't know if I can make it... maybe I should just do the Deaf major and get out of there. I don't know! Ahhhh! Anyway, I need to think about that.
hmmmm, NY... I will check that out. Maybe find other 3D meetings.
Thanks for the post ;)
really appreciate it.
~AL

Amanda- I just made a post on another thread about hearing loss. I'm sure you've seen it aleady.

Know what I think? Go with your gut here. Practically speaking, what are all these majors going to get you in the end? I say- if you want to get out of there- and can do so- an keep your sanity- do so! Undergraduate work isn't the be all and end all. You can go and get a Master's in a related field of study.

Off the top of my head, it sounds like you are doing so much because you 1) either expect a great deal of yourself (or your family does) or 2) you are compensating in some way for whatever reason.

I have a buddy from Evangel who double majored in Bible Study's and Music Ed and now he just got his doctorate in zooology- studying penguins.

Hey! You may be one of those people that can handle three plates in the air for all I know. And if you can. Great. But please consider the emotional tool what you are attempting is having on you.

Why do I way all this? Because you used the word 'stuck'. No one wants to be stuck. Better to be involved whole-heartedly.

You know- I can see you doing your deaf major and psychology. That sounds like a good fit. The drug major? You could focus on that post-graduate if you pursued a counseling degree- ie Masters.

In the end: I say- do what makes you happy. Because if you aren't happy doing what you are doing, why the heck bother? No one is handing out points for accomplishing hard things for the sake of accomplishing them.

Where is the joy in that? And that's my big point here? Where does your joy and inspiration lie? To be inspired is to breath in the Spirit. And when one does that, one can exhale and give that inspiration to the world. ;)

Re coming out at my 10 year reunion. I found out pretty quick who my friends were! And you know what's been really interesting. Half the guys in concert choir were gay- and we've finally gotten in touch with each other in the last 4- 5 years. That's been a hoot.

Did I know then that I was sitting next to other gay men? Heck no. I felt all alone in school. That's no way to live- or love for that matter.

Someday- and I believe this is going to happen: there are going to be gay couples walking hand in hand on Christian Campuses in the country. It may take another 20 years, but it is going to happen.

That's why we are here. :D

[Zerbie]

thank you
thank you all

I guess I won't comment on everyone's post... doesn't seem like everyone does that. Haha, takes up a lot of room.

thanks

later
~Amanda Lee

You can use the multi quote feature in order to quote several different people in a single post. Then you don't have to keep hitting 'reply.'

[BruceChris]

I just finished reading THIS thread, and now I realize that I should have read it first. It seems like you are fast making friends here.

Namaste', Bruce Chris

[never_again4]

You can use the multi quote feature in order to quote several different people in a single post. Then you don't have to keep hitting 'reply.'

thanks :) that will help a lot

[paul]

thanks Paul
I will try to hang out in here as much as possible... I don't have the internet, but I will try my best ;)

I had feelings growing up that I fought against very hard... I thought homosexuality was wrong. I fought it and struggled off and on with liking women. Then I came to MN for college and I continued to struggle and everyone in my friend group seemed to be coming out and leaving school (all of my friends even in church have mostly been gay) and it created more confusion for me. And the nagging of those friends "when are you going to come out, Amanda" and such didn't help my feelings.
So I guess the struggle became to much and I got tired of pretending... then trying to come out and accept myself is not something that is fully done. I still struggle with feeling like I am going to hell or that I can't come out because I have too much to lose. But it is where I find myself at this moment and I can't really transfer schools because this is my 5th year and I go to a Bible College, which means that most all of my credits would not transfer and I would have to start over again. Which means I spent all that time and money for nothing which is something I am not prepared to do...
I'm still working on accepting me...

Dear Amanda,

I understand. I know it is hard work accepting yourself given your background because who you are contradicts who you have been taught you are supposed to be. I went to a Baptist bible college and was raised in that type of environment.

Something that helped me was going directly to "God" and skipping the middleman. I found that once I did that, who "God" is became much less definate, i.e., most of the dogma comes from people presuming to speak for "God." My own experience is that "God" is pretty silent about most of my questions, so it would be presumptuous of me to just follow because someone says "God said so." You might start at where you are, try lining up "God is love" with eternal damnation in hell. Forget what people say, and go straight to the source. If the bible informs your approach to life, there is precedent for going to God and bypassing people (that includes the people who wrote the bible even). I asked God to show me in a way that I could understand that it was God re BGLT, and got nothing (for 35 years). I figured (slow learner :lol:) that BGLT must not be as big a deal to "God" as I was making it. Meanwhile, I added to my list of "I have to much to lose." That list grows while you are undecided.
:love:
paul

[hippie4lyfe]

Welcome never, please don't be scared everything will turn out alright. Bisexuality is as much a sexual orientation as being gay or straight. You don't have to compromise the way God made you. I would suggest not being out till after college to avoid the possibility of being kicked out. These forums though are a great way for you to reach out for support and learn more.

[pnggrad79]

Hi and welcome. I was married to a man for 19 years and questioned whether I was bi or lesbian for about 12 of those years. I fell in love with a woman who is now my wife and couldn't be happier. I am with tymejumper, I much prefer women to men, so I guess that makes me a lesbian. I have done both, but prefer women. I have only had one, so I guess I am confused. :)

[antiochian]

Hey girl! Bible college isn't the most accepting place on earth (well, they accept you if you believe 97.75% of what they believe!), but there are Christians out there who will accept you if you look.

I am a gay part time Christian/part time "Don't-Know-What-I-Believeist." Just to clarify that, I'm gay full time. :) I know how hard it is, though my experience is not exactly like yours or anyone else's. The Church for the most part is against us, it seems as though the Bible is (though you'll find resources here that prove otherwise), and people can be nasty and judgmental.

So, welcome, hope you find some relief here!

[never_again4]

Hi y'all,

Well, I did come out...

Got kicked out... of North Central University and Assemblies of God Bible College in Minneapolis, MN.

That turned my life upside down and was very difficult, but I could not with integrity lie and back down.

So after six years there I am starting over again at a new school and will graduate in about two years.

And

I am a 2010 Equality Rider!

Anyway, thanks for everything.

Peace & Strength,
Amanda Lee

[Pablo Rafael]

Congratulations Amanda! Being true to oneself is very freeing, is it not?

I lost my job when I "came out". Now, a year and a half later I can say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I hope that you feel the same way.

And being an Equality Rider will certainly be an experience. I pray God's blessings on your venture as an Equality Rider and all journeys in life.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[never_again4]

Congratulations Amanda! Being true to oneself is very freeing, is it not?

I lost my job when I "came out". Now, a year and a half later I can say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I hope that you feel the same way.

And being an Equality Rider will certainly be an experience. I pray God's blessings on your venture as an Equality Rider and all journeys in life.

Tu Amigo, Pablo


It is indeed. The less I pretended the better I felt. It was definately a process, but I couldn't live that way with integrity.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
-Polonius in Shakespeare's Hamlet

And I am super syked about the Ride. It will be an adventure. I can't wait.

Thanks for the prayers and blessings.

Peace & Strength,

Amanda Lee

[scott snedeker]

Hi y'all,

Well, I did come out...

Got kicked out... of North Central University and Assemblies of God Bible College in Minneapolis, MN.

That turned my life upside down and was very difficult, but I could not with integrity lie and back down.

So after six years there I am starting over again at a new school and will graduate in about two years.

And

I am a 2010 Equality Rider!

Anyway, thanks for everything.

Peace & Strength,
Amanda Lee

Wow what a reversal of polarity! You were the one! The one who thw equality riders were coming for when they visited!

Now you have to unlearn what you were taught. Now you have to learn to love your precious heart and your capacity for intimacy with your own gender. Two years is just the beginning in leaning to be young.

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now!"

RS6OhC-4Zyw

[Daniel]

Hi y'all,

Well, I did come out...

Got kicked out... of North Central University and Assemblies of God Bible College in Minneapolis, MN.

That turned my life upside down and was very difficult, but I could not with integrity lie and back down.

So after six years there I am starting over again at a new school and will graduate in about two years.

And

I am a 2010 Equality Rider!

Anyway, thanks for everything.

Peace & Strength,
Amanda Lee

Wow Amanda!

That is a lot you've gone through. And to top it all off, you are a Rider. Know what? I won't be surprised to learn that you are going to your school. Oh my...that is going to be some trip!

I went to Evangel College in Springfield- and I didn't come out until some years after I graduated. It's not easy any way you slice the cake. Pentecostals don't do well with out gay people.

I wish you much success and happiness, both professionally and personally.

[Poetic Awakening]

It's not everyday I get to see a post from last year get an update! And thank God it's a good one.

Good luck, Amanda!

[never_again4]

Wow what a reversal of polarity! You were the one! The one who thw equality riders were coming for when they visited!

Now you have to unlearn what you were taught. Now you have to learn to love your precious heart and your capacity for intimacy with your own gender. Two years is just the beginning in leaning to be young.

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now!"

RS6OhC-4Zyw

:) I am reparenting/reprocessing/reprogramming myself in many areas...

Thanks

[never_again4]

Wow Amanda!

That is a lot you've gone through. And to top it all off, you are a Rider. Know what? I won't be surprised to learn that you are going to your school. Oh my...that is going to be some trip!

I went to Evangel College in Springfield- and I didn't come out until some years after I graduated. It's not easy any way you slice the cake. Pentecostals don't do well with out gay people.

I wish you much success and happiness, both professionally and personally.

I'm super excited. It is gonna be amazing... scary, conflicted, empowering, gut-wrenching, rip-out-my-heart, in-your-face, loving, caring, earth-shattering, enlightening time...

Yeah, they don't... too bad... I wish there was an open & affirming AG church I could find somewhere.

Thanks, Daniel. You as well.

I remember when I posted that in 2008 originally you were a big help to me with the coming out at your Evangel reunion stuff. wow

Thanks again.

[never_again4]

It's not everyday I get to see a post from last year get an update! And thank God it's a good one.

Good luck, Amanda!

haha, thanks Poetic. Not exactly the way I would have planned it, but just as it is suppose to be.

Peace