ledfordkendall
04-04-2008, 01:51 PM
I'm hoping to find some support and validation of my feelings as a gay man. I've had a fairly violent past in terms of being physically abused for "acting gay". My father from my earliest memories attempted to beat the gay out of me. This continued until I was 19 when my father beat me and threw me into the wall and knocked me unconscious. I guess he was afraid that time and he didn't touch me again after that. I was beaten up countless times in junior high and high school for being a "faggot".
When I was 19, I had a salvation experience in the church and asked Jesus to be my Lord and savior. I was in a pentecostal body that believed a lot of me was demonic including my being gay - and over the years had the "demon of homosexuality" cast out of me three different times. Apparently that didn't work. At 23, I believed I was in sin and was sick because of my gay feelings. I repressed my feelings, married and had a family. The years that followed left me totally depressed and suicidal. At 48, I made three different attempts to kill myself because I believed that God had abandoned me because I was gay. Each attempt was followed by me being institutionalized and the state of Virginia, in all of it's wisdom, made me go through 12 sessions of ECT and three different attempts to get psychiatrists to medicate and therapeutically "transition" me out of my gayness. None of this worked. My wife and I split up and all of my children, and my mother and sister abandoned me. In the last six years, I've lived alone and am just now understanding that God made me who I am including the fact that I'm gay and that I don't need to continue beating myself up over being gay. Ironically, after all of this time, I've never actually been in a relationship with a man, although that's what I desperately want now. I'm on two different internet gay matching services but so far I've been rejected by all of the people that the systems have indicated that I have had a "match". At 54, it seems pretty hard to find a way to develop a relationship with another gay man. I'm praying that God will lead me to the right man and that I can finally find the love I've always longed for. I now live in a small town south of Houston, Texas and I know absolutely no one in the local area that is gay. The church fellowship I go to preaches against homosexuality and I am wondering if anyone on this forum knows if there is a directory of some kind that might show where Christian fellowships are in the Houston or Austin areas that are open to gays. I know I'll never fit in to the gay bar scene in looking to find some gay friendsm muc more a LTR. I believe I'll find the right guy in church but I don't know where to look to find churches that are supportive of gays. Can anybody validate my feelings in terms of who I believe I am at 54 and also help me to find Christian fellowships that are gay friendly?
Kendall
When I was 19, I had a salvation experience in the church and asked Jesus to be my Lord and savior. I was in a pentecostal body that believed a lot of me was demonic including my being gay - and over the years had the "demon of homosexuality" cast out of me three different times. Apparently that didn't work. At 23, I believed I was in sin and was sick because of my gay feelings. I repressed my feelings, married and had a family. The years that followed left me totally depressed and suicidal. At 48, I made three different attempts to kill myself because I believed that God had abandoned me because I was gay. Each attempt was followed by me being institutionalized and the state of Virginia, in all of it's wisdom, made me go through 12 sessions of ECT and three different attempts to get psychiatrists to medicate and therapeutically "transition" me out of my gayness. None of this worked. My wife and I split up and all of my children, and my mother and sister abandoned me. In the last six years, I've lived alone and am just now understanding that God made me who I am including the fact that I'm gay and that I don't need to continue beating myself up over being gay. Ironically, after all of this time, I've never actually been in a relationship with a man, although that's what I desperately want now. I'm on two different internet gay matching services but so far I've been rejected by all of the people that the systems have indicated that I have had a "match". At 54, it seems pretty hard to find a way to develop a relationship with another gay man. I'm praying that God will lead me to the right man and that I can finally find the love I've always longed for. I now live in a small town south of Houston, Texas and I know absolutely no one in the local area that is gay. The church fellowship I go to preaches against homosexuality and I am wondering if anyone on this forum knows if there is a directory of some kind that might show where Christian fellowships are in the Houston or Austin areas that are open to gays. I know I'll never fit in to the gay bar scene in looking to find some gay friendsm muc more a LTR. I believe I'll find the right guy in church but I don't know where to look to find churches that are supportive of gays. Can anybody validate my feelings in terms of who I believe I am at 54 and also help me to find Christian fellowships that are gay friendly?
Kendall