BlueGirl
04-06-2008, 08:53 PM
I am so hurt :'( and angry :mad: as I write this that I don’t know which way to turn and I just need to talk about it to someone, anyone who's willing to listen and who will try to understand. I really wish I had the money to pay a professional to listen to me for a couple of hours or so and give me their opinions about the situation but I don’t have the money for that.
I know this is going to be a long one. Is there a limit to how long a message can be?
Maybe what I’d going to tell will seem like nothing to anyone who reads this, but I am just about at the end of my rope. Beside where I’m sitting is a window. When I look out that window, I see the general area of my grave, and as sure as I believe there’s a God in Heaven, I wish with all my heart that I was in it. My religious beliefs are the only thing that’s keeping me from being in it.
I hardly know where to begin or how to explain without writing a book. Some of you will probably remember that I mentioned in one of my other posts about my mother not being interested in anything I have to say and implying that no one else is either and my wondering if she was right about that. Well, I found out today that at least one other person evidently isn’t interested either.
I’ve decided that today was my last day at church, any church. I’ve enjoyed as much as I can stand of cold, uncaring, self-righteous, and sometimes downright cruel people and lessons like the one I heard today in Sunday school. And don’t anyone tell me that I have gotten back what I projected because that is far from being how it is.
A woman that I have been in love with (God help me) and tried on and off for the past 6 or 7 years to be friends with, said something today that leads me to believe she’s not interested in much I have to say either. This woman, this Sunday school teacher, choir singer, licensed minister, is a good example that reaching out in love to someone, I mean reaching out with all the love and caring that a person can give, may not change anything, at least not for the better. I have loved that woman for the past 6 or 7 years as much as I’m capable of loving anyone and, believe me, that’s a heck of a lot. God forgive me for being so stupid. :pray: She’s heterosexual, very pretty, and very male oriented (the opposite of me on all counts) but I didn’t see any reason we couldn’t be friends. To my way of thinking, that sounds like a pretty good deal. Getting all of the love that someone has to give and only being asked for friendship, REAL friendship, in return. By real friendship, I mean liking me enough to enjoy my company, accepting me as I am, being willing to listen even if they don’t agree with everything I say, being considerate of my feelings, not always taking the other side, and lots of other things that I think are included in a true friendship, not just an acquaintance. I don’t think she’s done any of these things, she won’t even let me come to her house, not even to help her on the computer, something she needs help with, or with work. She let me come to her house a few times years ago but now she won’t. I have no idea why she did before (we stopped being “friends” for a couple of years) but wouldn’t after it picked up again. And NO, I didn’t make a pass at her. Doing a favor for me once in a while, I guess when she wants to tell herself what a good person she is, or when she needs an ego boost, then treating me like I’m nobody until the next time, is not my idea of friendship.
When we were “friends” before, we would hug and kiss each other on the cheek when she’d bring me home from one of our outings. I NEVER did anything that could be considered “out of the way”, unless you consider telling someone that you love them as being “out of the way”. That's something else she won't do with me any more. She hugs lots of other people, including my friend June when she's here for a visit, but she won't hug me. I asked her why and she said that because I "like" her, she didn't want to give me the wrong idea. It didn't before so why would it now? I think there's probably more to it than that. The only reason I told her how I felt about her (she already knew I was gay when I told her I loved her) was so she would know that she could ask me to go any place with her anytime and to help her with anything and I would, but that didn’t make any difference either. Nothing changed.
When I told her I wanted a real friendship (the things I’ve listed above) or nothing, she said that what I wanted (meaning the things listed above) was “beyond friendship”. She got mad when I told her that I wasn’t going to be just someone she does a favor for once in a while, that it was going to be real friendship or nothing. She said I was destroying what I had. I guess I was supposed to take whatever crumbs she threw me and be glad I had them.
I don’t know how many times I thought it was over. We’d have an argument and not have any contact for weeks or months, once for a couple of years. I ‘d be unhappy about it but would start to accept that she didn’t want to be friends with me, then here she’d come and ask if I wanted to go out to eat and, silly me, I’d think she had decided that she did want to really be friends with me, but it would be the same thing all over again. This time is no different except the reason.
If anyone’s reading this prittle prattle, I’d sure like to hear opinions about what you think of this situation. Feel free to ask any questions. This situation has bugged and bugged me from the get go. She has jerked me around and treated me like I was no more than the ground she walks on. My family/friend June told me more than once to stay away from her and tell her no the next time she asked me to go somewhere but I never could, at least not for long. But after today, maybe I can.
Yesterday we went on a bus trip to a dinner theatre to see a ‘50’s show with all Elvis music. After me just leaving her alone for a few weeks or more (I would see her in Sunday school but didn’t try to talk to her), she called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I’d like to go to that. I was sure she was only asking me because she didn’t have anyone else to go with her, but I said yes anyway. What a good time we had. I thought things were looking up. Then today, BANG, the rug was yanked out from under me again. I can’t describe to you how emotionally beat, hurt, discouraged, and forlorn I am feeling right now because of what happened today. I hardly have the energy to go on. Only someone who has been there, can truly understand what I’m feeling right now.
The woman knows how I feel about her, at least as much as she’s capable of understanding. But I’m not sure she understands that strong of a love for anybody. She’s got a big ego and is extremely male oriented so when someone says they love her, maybe she thinks that only means sex. I don’t know. Only she and God know what she’s thinking. She’s without a doubt the strangest most complicated person I’ve ever had the misfortune to know personally. Sometimes it’s almost like she’s two different people.
A couple of months or so ago, we had gone on another day bus trip. My mother and I had had one of our incidents, which of course had me upset. I was telling “my friend” about it and about other incidents involving my mother and sister and how they act towards me and she seemed to be listening as a friend would do. But after I finished talking to her about it, she said I had talked about them "all the way up the road", then she practically ignored me the rest of the trip to where we were going and after we got there, then acted ok towards me on the way back, until we got in front of my house, then she told me she didn’t like hearing me say those things, and that she had always wanted a sister. (???) What did that have to do with me and mine? I guarantee you, if she’d had one like mine, she wouldn’t have gotten along with her any better than I do with mine.
In our Sunday school class, as well as in the Bible, it’s been said that Christians are supposed to bear each other’s burdens. God knows I sure needed help with my burdens and I still do. Now I’ve got even more. Only a couple of weeks or so before that incident, she had told me about a time in her life when she was having a real bad time at home with her husband and that when she tried to talk to her daughter about it (he was her step father) her daughter didn’t want to hear it. That really upset her because she said she needed to talk about it. Hey, what’s the difference other than the people?! She couldn’t see she was doing me the same way? She always takes up for my mother and makes excuses for her because she’s old. In less than two years, according to the government, I will be officially “elderly”. Will my age then excuse any bad behavior I commit or excuse me for not caring about anybody else? Where, in the Bible, does it say that wrong doing is excused because of old age? And at what age does that start being an acceptable excuse? She told me today that 20 years from now I'll feel differently about things. I don't know what particular things she was talking about but I don't see why getter older is going to change me into a different person from the way I am now. My mother sure hasn't changed except to have gotten worse. She hasn't become enlightened about anything. Is this the way friends are supposed to talk to each other? Disagree with everything they say and always take the other side of whoever they're talking against?
After we got home from the trip yesterday evening, I sat here and looked up monitors and got prices for some of them to show her today. She doesn't have an internet connection right now. I ordered ink for her. I printed off some picutures we took yesterday and gave to her today. I wanted to go to the Walmart to get material for a bag, maybe two, that I was going to give to her as gifts, and that's how she treats me. But everyone who knows her thinks she's such a good person. Well, she does go to church regularly and teaches Sunday school and sings in the choir and hugs lots of people, so I guess she must be a good person. And she's pretty too. And me, well I'm nothing but an ugly queer. Why would anyone want to be friends with me. All I can do is make recordings and give to people that don't even bother to watch them or make a bag for someone once in a while. That's nothing.
Now, about what happened today. She never came right out and said so but she gave the impression from the very beginning that she was ok concerning being gay, that it’s not her thing but that it doesn’t bother her if it’s someone else’s. Thinking that, I’ve often talked to her about gay people and gay-related situations. Either she wouldn’t say much of anything or she'd say she knew that, as if I was insulting her intelligence. But her attitude today totally shocked me.
I asked her if she wanted to go to the Walmart after church. She said she didn’t really need anything but would go anyway. The way she hesitated should have been a warning signal and I should have told her to never mind. But I took that as being nice, because I thought she was putting my feelings before her own (something she never does). I had planned on making her a hand bag and needed some more materials for it before I could start on it. Before we went there, we stopped at a fast food place to get our lunch and guess who came in while we were there. The woman I told you about in that other long post, the one with the ‘50’s car that acted like she didn’t know me at the school tea and the cemetery, came in with some woman.
I thought I had told my “friend” about her and that incident one time, but if I did, she didn’t seem to remember, which is nothing unusual. The woman again didn’t let on as though she knew me and turned her head away from us as we walked by.
My “friend” was in one of her “out of sorts” moods. I’ve been with her more than once when she seemed to pick at everything I said. When I told her the story about the earlier incident with that woman, she started taking up for her too, taking up for someone she doesn’t know a thing about against me, someone she calls a “friend”. She again used age (66 or 67?) as an excuse for that woman not speaking to me at the tea and at the cemetery (maybe she had a lapse in memory). The time she told me about her husband’s behavior and how upset she’d been about it, I wonder how she would have felt if I’d made excuses for him and the way he treated her.
I can’t remember what all she said after we left there but a lot of it didn’t make any sense to me. She said something about me thinking certain things and not wanting to learn anything, but she couldn’t give me any specifics of what she was talking about. She said something to me like that one other time but about things that I consider to be personal preferences. I think she’s a bit like my sister and thinks what’s right for her is what other people ought to do too.
I was trying to tell her that maybe that woman was afraid to be seen speaking to me. She seemed to think I don’t know what I’m talking about or am imagining things, or something. I don’t know. She thinks she knows so much about our lives because she’s watched some documentaries. She said she’d heard the same things that I was telling her. I told her in a loving way that there are things connected with being gay that people like her never think about because they don’t have to. I was trying to educate her. Well, that didn’t work anymore than loving her did. What she said that really floored me was something to the effect that the subject of being gay or something on that order (I can’t remember her exact words) isn’t something that’s important to her, or a part of her life, or how ever it was that she worded it, to which I told her that it should be because she has a gay friend, meaning me. I can’t even remember exactly what I said but what I meant was that people who are friends should want to learn about each others lives. Am I wrong about that too? Then when we got to the Walmart and went back to the material section, she didn't even go with me to look at it until I called her to, as if she wasn't interested. Remember, this was all for a bag I was going to make for her. She just seemed uninterested and irritable. Maybe she had a man coming later. Anyway, by the time I got home, I was thoroughly upset. If I had known she wasn't interested in hearing anything about my life concerning gay-related things (I already knew she didn't want to hear about my problems with my mother and my sister) I wouldn't have been with her, much less been talking to her about it. As I was getting my things together to get out of the car, I told her I’d give her that bag as payment for having taken me there. I guess she knew I was upset. She didn’t say anything and left. There won't be another time. I need to be with people I can talk with about what ever I feel like talking about. I need to able to be me just as they are free to be themselves.
I just don’t understand. I really don’t. Everyone who knows her through the church and other civic groups thinks she’s so wonderful, just like people think my mother is so wonderful. But neither one of them is nice to me. I'll give her ink to her when it comes in and that will probably be the last contact I ever have with her. I don't want anything to do with someone who thinks I'm not as good as they are.
She told me back sometime ago not to tell anyone I'm gay. Today's lesson covered all the vices, including homosexuality. She said later that she saw me sitting there squiming and was hoping I wouldn't say anything. I guess she was afraid it would put a bad light on her if she was seen with me. Oh well, she doesn't have to worry now.
To those who stuck with this, thanks.
BlueGirl
I know this is going to be a long one. Is there a limit to how long a message can be?
Maybe what I’d going to tell will seem like nothing to anyone who reads this, but I am just about at the end of my rope. Beside where I’m sitting is a window. When I look out that window, I see the general area of my grave, and as sure as I believe there’s a God in Heaven, I wish with all my heart that I was in it. My religious beliefs are the only thing that’s keeping me from being in it.
I hardly know where to begin or how to explain without writing a book. Some of you will probably remember that I mentioned in one of my other posts about my mother not being interested in anything I have to say and implying that no one else is either and my wondering if she was right about that. Well, I found out today that at least one other person evidently isn’t interested either.
I’ve decided that today was my last day at church, any church. I’ve enjoyed as much as I can stand of cold, uncaring, self-righteous, and sometimes downright cruel people and lessons like the one I heard today in Sunday school. And don’t anyone tell me that I have gotten back what I projected because that is far from being how it is.
A woman that I have been in love with (God help me) and tried on and off for the past 6 or 7 years to be friends with, said something today that leads me to believe she’s not interested in much I have to say either. This woman, this Sunday school teacher, choir singer, licensed minister, is a good example that reaching out in love to someone, I mean reaching out with all the love and caring that a person can give, may not change anything, at least not for the better. I have loved that woman for the past 6 or 7 years as much as I’m capable of loving anyone and, believe me, that’s a heck of a lot. God forgive me for being so stupid. :pray: She’s heterosexual, very pretty, and very male oriented (the opposite of me on all counts) but I didn’t see any reason we couldn’t be friends. To my way of thinking, that sounds like a pretty good deal. Getting all of the love that someone has to give and only being asked for friendship, REAL friendship, in return. By real friendship, I mean liking me enough to enjoy my company, accepting me as I am, being willing to listen even if they don’t agree with everything I say, being considerate of my feelings, not always taking the other side, and lots of other things that I think are included in a true friendship, not just an acquaintance. I don’t think she’s done any of these things, she won’t even let me come to her house, not even to help her on the computer, something she needs help with, or with work. She let me come to her house a few times years ago but now she won’t. I have no idea why she did before (we stopped being “friends” for a couple of years) but wouldn’t after it picked up again. And NO, I didn’t make a pass at her. Doing a favor for me once in a while, I guess when she wants to tell herself what a good person she is, or when she needs an ego boost, then treating me like I’m nobody until the next time, is not my idea of friendship.
When we were “friends” before, we would hug and kiss each other on the cheek when she’d bring me home from one of our outings. I NEVER did anything that could be considered “out of the way”, unless you consider telling someone that you love them as being “out of the way”. That's something else she won't do with me any more. She hugs lots of other people, including my friend June when she's here for a visit, but she won't hug me. I asked her why and she said that because I "like" her, she didn't want to give me the wrong idea. It didn't before so why would it now? I think there's probably more to it than that. The only reason I told her how I felt about her (she already knew I was gay when I told her I loved her) was so she would know that she could ask me to go any place with her anytime and to help her with anything and I would, but that didn’t make any difference either. Nothing changed.
When I told her I wanted a real friendship (the things I’ve listed above) or nothing, she said that what I wanted (meaning the things listed above) was “beyond friendship”. She got mad when I told her that I wasn’t going to be just someone she does a favor for once in a while, that it was going to be real friendship or nothing. She said I was destroying what I had. I guess I was supposed to take whatever crumbs she threw me and be glad I had them.
I don’t know how many times I thought it was over. We’d have an argument and not have any contact for weeks or months, once for a couple of years. I ‘d be unhappy about it but would start to accept that she didn’t want to be friends with me, then here she’d come and ask if I wanted to go out to eat and, silly me, I’d think she had decided that she did want to really be friends with me, but it would be the same thing all over again. This time is no different except the reason.
If anyone’s reading this prittle prattle, I’d sure like to hear opinions about what you think of this situation. Feel free to ask any questions. This situation has bugged and bugged me from the get go. She has jerked me around and treated me like I was no more than the ground she walks on. My family/friend June told me more than once to stay away from her and tell her no the next time she asked me to go somewhere but I never could, at least not for long. But after today, maybe I can.
Yesterday we went on a bus trip to a dinner theatre to see a ‘50’s show with all Elvis music. After me just leaving her alone for a few weeks or more (I would see her in Sunday school but didn’t try to talk to her), she called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I’d like to go to that. I was sure she was only asking me because she didn’t have anyone else to go with her, but I said yes anyway. What a good time we had. I thought things were looking up. Then today, BANG, the rug was yanked out from under me again. I can’t describe to you how emotionally beat, hurt, discouraged, and forlorn I am feeling right now because of what happened today. I hardly have the energy to go on. Only someone who has been there, can truly understand what I’m feeling right now.
The woman knows how I feel about her, at least as much as she’s capable of understanding. But I’m not sure she understands that strong of a love for anybody. She’s got a big ego and is extremely male oriented so when someone says they love her, maybe she thinks that only means sex. I don’t know. Only she and God know what she’s thinking. She’s without a doubt the strangest most complicated person I’ve ever had the misfortune to know personally. Sometimes it’s almost like she’s two different people.
A couple of months or so ago, we had gone on another day bus trip. My mother and I had had one of our incidents, which of course had me upset. I was telling “my friend” about it and about other incidents involving my mother and sister and how they act towards me and she seemed to be listening as a friend would do. But after I finished talking to her about it, she said I had talked about them "all the way up the road", then she practically ignored me the rest of the trip to where we were going and after we got there, then acted ok towards me on the way back, until we got in front of my house, then she told me she didn’t like hearing me say those things, and that she had always wanted a sister. (???) What did that have to do with me and mine? I guarantee you, if she’d had one like mine, she wouldn’t have gotten along with her any better than I do with mine.
In our Sunday school class, as well as in the Bible, it’s been said that Christians are supposed to bear each other’s burdens. God knows I sure needed help with my burdens and I still do. Now I’ve got even more. Only a couple of weeks or so before that incident, she had told me about a time in her life when she was having a real bad time at home with her husband and that when she tried to talk to her daughter about it (he was her step father) her daughter didn’t want to hear it. That really upset her because she said she needed to talk about it. Hey, what’s the difference other than the people?! She couldn’t see she was doing me the same way? She always takes up for my mother and makes excuses for her because she’s old. In less than two years, according to the government, I will be officially “elderly”. Will my age then excuse any bad behavior I commit or excuse me for not caring about anybody else? Where, in the Bible, does it say that wrong doing is excused because of old age? And at what age does that start being an acceptable excuse? She told me today that 20 years from now I'll feel differently about things. I don't know what particular things she was talking about but I don't see why getter older is going to change me into a different person from the way I am now. My mother sure hasn't changed except to have gotten worse. She hasn't become enlightened about anything. Is this the way friends are supposed to talk to each other? Disagree with everything they say and always take the other side of whoever they're talking against?
After we got home from the trip yesterday evening, I sat here and looked up monitors and got prices for some of them to show her today. She doesn't have an internet connection right now. I ordered ink for her. I printed off some picutures we took yesterday and gave to her today. I wanted to go to the Walmart to get material for a bag, maybe two, that I was going to give to her as gifts, and that's how she treats me. But everyone who knows her thinks she's such a good person. Well, she does go to church regularly and teaches Sunday school and sings in the choir and hugs lots of people, so I guess she must be a good person. And she's pretty too. And me, well I'm nothing but an ugly queer. Why would anyone want to be friends with me. All I can do is make recordings and give to people that don't even bother to watch them or make a bag for someone once in a while. That's nothing.
Now, about what happened today. She never came right out and said so but she gave the impression from the very beginning that she was ok concerning being gay, that it’s not her thing but that it doesn’t bother her if it’s someone else’s. Thinking that, I’ve often talked to her about gay people and gay-related situations. Either she wouldn’t say much of anything or she'd say she knew that, as if I was insulting her intelligence. But her attitude today totally shocked me.
I asked her if she wanted to go to the Walmart after church. She said she didn’t really need anything but would go anyway. The way she hesitated should have been a warning signal and I should have told her to never mind. But I took that as being nice, because I thought she was putting my feelings before her own (something she never does). I had planned on making her a hand bag and needed some more materials for it before I could start on it. Before we went there, we stopped at a fast food place to get our lunch and guess who came in while we were there. The woman I told you about in that other long post, the one with the ‘50’s car that acted like she didn’t know me at the school tea and the cemetery, came in with some woman.
I thought I had told my “friend” about her and that incident one time, but if I did, she didn’t seem to remember, which is nothing unusual. The woman again didn’t let on as though she knew me and turned her head away from us as we walked by.
My “friend” was in one of her “out of sorts” moods. I’ve been with her more than once when she seemed to pick at everything I said. When I told her the story about the earlier incident with that woman, she started taking up for her too, taking up for someone she doesn’t know a thing about against me, someone she calls a “friend”. She again used age (66 or 67?) as an excuse for that woman not speaking to me at the tea and at the cemetery (maybe she had a lapse in memory). The time she told me about her husband’s behavior and how upset she’d been about it, I wonder how she would have felt if I’d made excuses for him and the way he treated her.
I can’t remember what all she said after we left there but a lot of it didn’t make any sense to me. She said something about me thinking certain things and not wanting to learn anything, but she couldn’t give me any specifics of what she was talking about. She said something to me like that one other time but about things that I consider to be personal preferences. I think she’s a bit like my sister and thinks what’s right for her is what other people ought to do too.
I was trying to tell her that maybe that woman was afraid to be seen speaking to me. She seemed to think I don’t know what I’m talking about or am imagining things, or something. I don’t know. She thinks she knows so much about our lives because she’s watched some documentaries. She said she’d heard the same things that I was telling her. I told her in a loving way that there are things connected with being gay that people like her never think about because they don’t have to. I was trying to educate her. Well, that didn’t work anymore than loving her did. What she said that really floored me was something to the effect that the subject of being gay or something on that order (I can’t remember her exact words) isn’t something that’s important to her, or a part of her life, or how ever it was that she worded it, to which I told her that it should be because she has a gay friend, meaning me. I can’t even remember exactly what I said but what I meant was that people who are friends should want to learn about each others lives. Am I wrong about that too? Then when we got to the Walmart and went back to the material section, she didn't even go with me to look at it until I called her to, as if she wasn't interested. Remember, this was all for a bag I was going to make for her. She just seemed uninterested and irritable. Maybe she had a man coming later. Anyway, by the time I got home, I was thoroughly upset. If I had known she wasn't interested in hearing anything about my life concerning gay-related things (I already knew she didn't want to hear about my problems with my mother and my sister) I wouldn't have been with her, much less been talking to her about it. As I was getting my things together to get out of the car, I told her I’d give her that bag as payment for having taken me there. I guess she knew I was upset. She didn’t say anything and left. There won't be another time. I need to be with people I can talk with about what ever I feel like talking about. I need to able to be me just as they are free to be themselves.
I just don’t understand. I really don’t. Everyone who knows her through the church and other civic groups thinks she’s so wonderful, just like people think my mother is so wonderful. But neither one of them is nice to me. I'll give her ink to her when it comes in and that will probably be the last contact I ever have with her. I don't want anything to do with someone who thinks I'm not as good as they are.
She told me back sometime ago not to tell anyone I'm gay. Today's lesson covered all the vices, including homosexuality. She said later that she saw me sitting there squiming and was hoping I wouldn't say anything. I guess she was afraid it would put a bad light on her if she was seen with me. Oh well, she doesn't have to worry now.
To those who stuck with this, thanks.
BlueGirl