View Full Version : Hi, I am Angel
05-03-2008, 11:43 AM
Hello - my real name isn't Angel of course, but that is what my partner of two years calls me. I came across this community when I "Googled" the words "coming out to Christian parents". I grew up in the Baptist church and up until a few years ago, I was going to church consistently and really felt like I was on the way to becoming what God wanted me to be. I was - throughout college - involved in a Black nondenominational church. Then I fell in love with another woman and have not been to church consistently since. I know that I want to be with this person for the rest of my life and that she is the only one for me, but there still exists that religious conflict which keeps me from praying and from searching for a new church. I want to go back, I just don't know where -- I don't want to be seen as a sinner and someone who needs to be delivered. It is interesting that I would have had that viewpoint not too long ago, but my life has changed drastically and I am much happier than I was then. Several of my friends know where I am - most of them don't agree with it, but they have not rejected me. I do not know what will happen when I tell my family members. They are still traditional Black Baptists. Any advice out there? Me and my partner love the Lord and we want to be able to worship again.
05-03-2008, 11:48 AM
Welcome, Angel. Angel is a very good name, why shouldn't we all call you that? ;):):love:
No advice for you from me - I'm one of like, 2 or 3 people on this forum who've never been to church on purpose. Most of the others here will probably have some ideas for you. Check back in a day or two (sometimes weekends are slow here) and see who else may have posted. They come up with great ideas.
Welcome again, and best of luck finding what you're looking for soon. I'm sure you will.
05-03-2008, 11:52 AM
05-03-2008, 12:37 PM
I know that I want to be with this person for the rest of my life and that she is the only one for me, but there still exists that religious conflict which keeps me from praying and from searching for a new church. I want to go back, I just don't know where -- I don't want to be seen as a sinner and someone who needs to be delivered.
I do not know what will happen when I tell my family members. They are still traditional Black Baptists. Any advice out there? Me and my partner love the Lord and we want to be able to worship again.
In many areas, Angel, there are groups that exist to help specifically with the additional trials faced by GLBT people of color. This isn't because of separatism, but because sometimes your life journey is complicated by factors that are more generally specific to your culture, community and family. In Albany, NY, for instance, In Our Own Voices is an organization of and for GLBT POC. Even there, an old, white, straight couple like my wife and I have been warmly and lovingly embraced.
While true for many people, the role of religion and tradition in Black families is stronger - and the belief system more often more conservative. It is the tradition and worship style, however, that many GLBT POC dearly love and feel at home in. When you step "out", the swath of rejection can be wide and relentless. Family, community and church home, being all closely related, tend to react as one - and the estrangement can be traumatic.
Search out organizations in your area that serve primarily people of color - as well as stick around here, since we'd love to have you as a friend, neighbor and sister. Check out http://www.inourownvoices.org/index_a.html and see if you can ask them if they know about a similar group in your area. If nothing else, they may be able to be a resource for you.
Anyway, that aside, I'm glad you are here. Blessings to you.
05-03-2008, 03:21 PM
Thanks for the information Andrewlittle. I will check out the page you suggested.
05-09-2008, 05:38 PM
Hi Angel and welcome. I am a transgender POC and understand what you are facing. I'm so happy that you are here and feel free to be yourself.
05-10-2008, 04:25 PM
Thanks! It is a daily struggle and I find myself getting obsessed with this page. I just want to know what the truth is and live that. I don't want to go to Hell.
05-12-2008, 01:09 PM
It sounds like when you found love in your life, love that let you TRULY be who you really are, you have become alienated from your church family at the same time. I agree with Andrew, that there are supports for persons of color where the issues may be more easily identified with, although I felt very rejected and unwelcome in the Catholic church after I came out. As a matter of fact, my partner and I didn't want to attend our local Catholic church after the birth of our daughter, even though we wanted to give her religion, we knew the church would not embrace us as a family. So, we joined a Methodist church instead, where we have been warmly welcomed.
I believe that you are a child of God, and that includes your sexual orientation. As long as you live a loving life, and are a good, compassionate human being, I don't believe that going to hell is an option. I firmly do not believe that persons are doomed just because of their sexual orientation; it is one more detail about who we are and how God made us.
I am so glad that you found us here!!! And, BTW, I think many of us here are obsessed with this place, so you are in good company!!! Peace, Vanessa
05-12-2008, 02:44 PM
Howdy Angel! :good:
Have you checked out 'www.welcomingchurches.org' ? There are also alot of other resources online that may lead to a church where you & your love would be welcome and feel at home.
Of course, you both are certainly very welcome here :)
05-15-2008, 07:48 PM
I checked out the website and there seem to be some good prospects. I"ll do a bit more searching.
I want to tell the whole group a bit more about myself. I came to Christ when I was a seventh-grader - very lonely and in search of a best friend. I prayed and prayed and prayed for what seemed like a lifetime (14 years to be exact) for a best friend who would treat me with the same love and respect as I treated her. I wanted someone I could open up to and tell anything to, and to hug me (as my mother was not very nurturing towards me or my siblings). I was desperate for physical, emotional and spirital love and it wasn't until I was in graduate school that the Lord finally answered my prayers. At that point, me and my partner were dedicated to serving the Lord and desiring to "live right" as we had been taught. She had gotten caught up in another same-sex relationship and I was helping her to "break free" from that so that she could live according to the will of God. I have never prayed for and with somebody so much in my life. And in the midst of our spiritual connection, we just fell in love. What I swore would never happen to me and was not something God wanted for me happened. The first time we had an encounter we both cried afterward and pleaded for God's forgiveness - that He would cover us in his blood and wash away the sin completely. We prayed that time would make us stronger and that we would be able to help others get out of the "sinful" lifestyle. But --- we just could not fight the "temptation", the desire to be one with the other, the desire to be close. We spent all of our time together and there was nobody else either of us wanted to be with. So, now here we are. And I feel that my soul and my spirit and my body really want to be in line with what God says. All my life I have felt like I could not please God and I have been taught that without faith it is impossible to please God. There has always been something wrong or not right with me. I have always been the black sheep of my family. I have always been different, but I never imagined that I would find myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with another woman the way I do now. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone and that is going to be a hard thing to really get across to my family.
I used to be one of those "Christians" praying so hard against homosexuality for various friends of my past. Little did I know what was in store for me. And it is so hard to resolve what I have been taught with what I want. It is almost like the Church teaches you that if you want it, it is probably not what God wants. That all we have are fleshly desires and we should really strive to be happy and live in a box. Is that REALLY what the Lord wants?
I don't know....
05-15-2008, 09:34 PM
Oh, Angel, I just want to send you some hugs. :love::love::love:
I can only imagine how hard it is being for you right now, being surprised by your own feelings, and now not knowing or trusting where the "right" answer might be.
I won't try to tell you what to do, or what is right for you. When we're confused, it's hard to get to a place of calm, a place of stillness. Yet, I suggest that's probably something you need right now. Maybe you can take a break from all these questions for a time, get really quiet. Close your eyes, relax, and let all the questions get quiet for a while. Listening to other people, things get noisy.
One thing I know: that God's love is UNconditional and infinite. Translation: God loves us no matter what, and the love never runs out. :):D
Angel: God loves you. That applies whether you are straight, lesbian, or something else. God loves you and wants you. :love: You cannot lose Him. No matter how cut off you might feel, you cannot lose Him.
Btw, have you checked out the resources on the Soulforce site? You might take a look at "How can I be sure God loves me too?"
I cannot imagine a more horrible question than someone doubting if God can love them for who they are. Of COURSE God loves you. :'(:'( :love::love: Take a look at it. It might speak to you.
(((( Angel ))))
05-16-2008, 11:49 AM
You are such a sweetheart!
I have never doubted whether God loves me or not. I have always known and felt His love for me. My doubt comes from whether I please Him or not...and whether I will ever be able to please Him. Will I ever be able to be holy and righteous enough? Will I ever be able to be obedient to His will for me, whatever that is? Can He trust me to have a pure heart and an open mind? Can I live completely and totally dedicated to Him? Can I ever not be sinful? Will I ever be strong enough to put aside my fleshly desires and seek what the Spirit wants?
You are right that questions and answers coming from all different directions can get noisey. It is hard for me to turn it all off - even when I am sleeping. I have had so many dreams with church people and a former pastor of mine and friends telling me I am wrong and that homosexuality is wrong. They quote scriptures to me and tell me to get my life right, and I wake up feeling so guilty. I am so nervous all the time with everything happening in the world. I don't know how long God will decide to keep me and my partner on Earth and I just want to live my life being completely sure that one day when he chooses to take me that I will be accepted into His new Kingdom. That His judgment upon me will not land me in the pit of Hell. Christ came to set us free. And my former church and churches I've grown up in teach that we should strive to live as Christ lived because He bought us with His blood. Because of that, our lives are no longer our own - but His to live out His divine will. We each have a purpose. I don't know what mine is, but we each do. And some would say that maybe I am "caught up" in this place to minister to the homosexual community in the future. I don't know. I used to think that I might go to seminary or become a leader in a church. Now, I just don't know and I am lost as to what I should be doing. I have a hard time praying because of the heaviness of guilt and the fear that He will tell me to walk away from the one person I care about the most in this world.
05-16-2008, 12:30 PM
Yikes. Those questions deserve some very thoughtful answers. I will be back later (perhaps the weekend) and I'm betting some other members will be here to share some kind words with you soon.
Fwiw - I am sure that God knows your heart, your feelings, and your soul. He knows your confusion and your longing for him. I'm sure he won't drop you into a pit if, in your confusion, you guess wrong about homosexuality.
Maybe there is no right or wrong absolute on this one, but only a question of what path leads any individual to a nearer and fuller expression of God in her life. For some, that might mean not acting on their feelings. For many, it is the opposite, it means coming out and accepting their feelings, and living a joyous life with a partner who draws out their strongest self and inspires them to give back to the world. In time, you will eventually get to the bottom of the knotted thread and discern what path is right for you.
Peace to you Angel. :pray:
05-16-2008, 11:15 PM
Angel, I am sure God knows of your love for him. With your faith you will find your way. I hope your family will stand beside you, and that you find your way, keep on searching, you will find it.
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