It's Only A Crush, It'll Go Away...Right ? [Archive]

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royalartisan

05-09-2008, 02:10 AM

Boy, have I got a long story for you all !!

Here goes...

If you've seen Loving Annabelle, this is NOTHING like that..but that film seems to relate to this situation in a "crush on my female teacher" sort of way...ahahaha..

WAIT. Before I start. Let me just say that I am protecting her name because she is not tenured yet and I need to respect her wish to keep this as private a matter as possible. So I will be using Ms. L instead of her full name.

Here are a series of posts to the Loving Annabelle thread "For those who are in this situation" at IMDB.Com:

POST #1:

Fri Feb 8 2008 22:41:16)

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I think if that is what you've got to do, then do it. If you're not sure enough, keep dropping hints to find out...be subtle at first. No one here can give you the advice you need. It's really up to you to make that decision. I just recommend remaining subtle.

Ok. So.
You know how I said I don't currently have a situation with any of my teachers ? Well..that just changed. The teacher who is playing Ms. Darbus in my school's production of High School Musical. She is sooo interesting !! She's got this unique air of beauty about her, but she's not prom queen pretty..which is something I can't stand....that prom queen prettyness doesn't work for me....

Anyway...

She is..so funny...
Of course, I'm the Stage Manager..so I have the privilege of working with her and talking to her four out of five days of the school week....bwahahaah..

~*~"I came up from the dark without you, and every day since has been in shadow.~*~

POST #2:

(Sat Feb 16 2008 22:51:48)

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Wow...slightly tragic there !

Yeh, I am actually fixating on the teacher who is playing Ms. Darbus in our production of Disney's High School Musical...I don't know what it is, but she is absolutely entrancing...

Ah well...

Anyway, I recently asked someone out...because I feel that I could fall in love with her...and I'd like to give this a try....so I'm going to take my head out of the clouds and accept that, while some things just aren't possible, others are.

~*~"I came up from the dark without you, and every day since has been in shadow.~*~

POST #3:

(Tue Apr 15 2008 16:15:50)

UPDATED Tue Apr 15 2008 16:31:32

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Yes, I'm very interested to hear what happens with Huneycombs !

I see this teacher everywhere it seems. I thought it was interesting because, see, she has a MySpace profile..and on it, she lists some lesbian-themed movies. Now, I don't know about you...but I don't know very many straight women who watch, let alone FAVOUR lesbian-themed movies. Anyway, judging by the conversations we've had..including the one at Open House a few weeks ago where she was standing alone in a corner because there were no parents talking to her and so I did this little "Pssssst !!" thing and she came over...and I was like... "I've a bone to pick with you, lady !" and she was all confused but she was smiling...and what a smile ! *daydreams*

*clears throat* But I digress....

Anyway...so I says "DEBS ? WHY DEBS ?? Sooooooooo sugary !! Not realistic at all !!" And she counters with "So ? I thought it was hysterical !" and so I say "What about the sterotypical suicide or the obsession that leads to murder......or the plain and simple fact of lesbian movies: there ARE no happy endings !!" Of course, I'm only joking around.....and so is she...but she says "That's why I liked this one, because even though it was over the top, look at the END..they end up together...I thought it was cute!" and so I have no choice but to let her win this one....so I say "Touche."

And we talked and talked....until Open House was long over and we were the only people in the building anymore. It was pleasant. She is...fantastic. I'm not really sure if she's married. You know how teachers are...either they flaunt their personal lives or they bar them. If anything, she's half and half, I just haven't asked her about that aspect of her life yet. But I will.
I was a little concerned about her possibly losing her job because of all those pink slips that went out to teachers several weeks ago...and because she's a first-year, she got one automatically. But I doubt she'll be laid off......seems to be just a formality....

I told her it would be a shame because all of the kids I know who have her think she is the best teacher and definitely their favourites and I said that if I had not taken AP, I wish I could have had class with her. She just seems to enliven everything around her...you know ? Reminds me of Lettice Douffet from Peter Shaffer's Lettice and Lovage (great play, doing a scene from it tomorrow)....

Wow, can I sure birdwalk or what !

Back to the topic at hand.

I'm 18 years old...and considered by most who know me well to be mature beyond my years. This is why I will never make a romantic move toward her. I enjoy my crushes. I like having someone in my life who drives me insane in a romantic way but you know, I think most of these teacher crushes happen perhaps because we are able to get more attention from them than from our parents....and because they are not family, that makes a romantic connection more likely to evolve, especially the closer you are to your teacher.

I am close to several female teachers...but I see them in a more maternal way. They guide and advise me, comfort me and care about me, but nothing more. And that suits me fine. But this woman, she is not the archetype of the single white female, high school english teacher. She is not like the others.

She is confident in a way that most of the others are not. She is open-minded, entertaining, and exudes a unique personality which attracts me more and more to her each day. And although nothing will ever come to fruition as far as romantic and/or sexual involvement, I am delighted to see her. I don't know if I flirt with her or not because I'm not sure what constitutes flirting. I do provoke her now and then when I wear athletic shorts in cold weather. She always seems to see me on these days. I don't intend for it to happen, but I'll be out with passes and she'll see me and HAVE to say something along the lines of "Are you crazy ? It's freezing out here ! Put some clothes on" to chide me, but it is playful and good-natured. Of course, like any good teenager, I have an excuse (and it's not a lie). I go running sometimes in the morning to wake me up and so I am burning up...I get hot easily and choose to wear shorts to school.

I'm rambling, I know....
And I apologize for that.

I'll get to the point.

The Annabelle/Simone spark may be there...but I'm doing that Chakotay thing from Star Trek: Voyager's episode, "Shattered," and saying "there are some barriers we never cross."

But you know what's funny ? There are days after school when I walk by her classroom...and her lights are on. I find myself tugging on the handle ever so gently just to test whether it's locked or unlocked. I mean, just because the light is on doesn't mean she's actually in there. Anyway, some days, it pulls toward me freely..others, it holds firmly in place. And even though she invited me to stop by and talk Theatre anytime, I'm not brave enough to pull that door open and step inside. Seeing her in the hallway is public domain, the convo at Open House, my director was there and a few friends. Being alone with her in a classroom, I'm not sure how composed I could be in that situation.

I know what the right thing to do is: do nothing.

But it IS difficult.

~*~"I came up from the dark without you, and every day since has been in shadow.~*~

POST #4:

THIS IS FROM TONIGHT

36 minutes ago (Thu May 8 2008 22:33:23)

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Wow. That is quite an intense story, Shane is my homegirl !

Okay...please allow me to lighten the mood with an exciting update.

Remember the teacher I mentioned ? The one I worked with in HSM and all that.....well, let me tell you. Tonight, I told myself that I am bound and determined to settle this once and for all. So, before the On Broadway concert (which I knew she was performing in and I just HAD to see her sing "Don't Rain on My Parade" and then she busted out again later on with "You Can't Stop the Beat"---and I must say, Hairspray is more her thing than Funny Girl, but I digress). Before the show, I told her to come sit with me a few minutes while we were all waiting in line. She probably should have been in the PAC or something but she came over anyway...and she totally walked right into the trap I set, bwahahah...especially when she said "there's no one here for me" and I was like "No one ? No husband or any family or anything ???" and she goes "husband ? HA, you're kidding right ?" and I laughed and said "Ha !" all knowingly... and she said "I mean if you couldn't tell, it's right there on my myspace..okay, not there exactly but if you know what you're looking for and can read in between the lines" and I was like "you know how I knew ? let me tell you....I knew because, after what you said to me on MySpace and then when I looked at your profile---" and she cut me off and said "D.E.B.s" and I nodded and added "not only that but it was this simple fact: I don't know a single straight woman who knows anything remotely lesbian-themed, let alone FAVOURITES those films on her myspace profile !" and she laughed and we just laughed.....ahahaha...and I was like "okay, I've kind of reconsidered my dislike for D.E.B.s because you're right about it being sweet, but I prefer this one Lifetime movie called An Unexpected Love" and she asked who was in it and I said "Wendy Crewson" and she said she didn't recognise that name and I said "She's well-known in Canada because she's, hello, Canadian" and we laughed...and then I mentioned that her profile had said "in a relationship" and she said she doesn't have ANYTHING there because she's not tenured yet. When she has her tenure, it'll be more open, but not until then. And for a good reason, too. Our school has had two scandals between teachers and children in one year. And then I said, sarcastically and jokingly, "yeh, because we all know that all homosexuals are pedophiles and all pedophiles are homosexuals, right?!" and she laughed and agreed that that is a bunch of bs for people to think that. And this other shmuck thought I meant that I really thought that was true, and then we all busted up because, hello, I'm gay..why would I say something like that about myself or "my people," right ? And then she had to go inside and so I reminded her "remember, there's someone here for you !!!" and she laughed....

Okay and then after the show, I could totally tell she wanted to come talk to me because I could see with my peripheral vision her nodding and smiling at these parents....and then she approached me and I had just told my friend before the show how I crushed over her, and so he could totally tell I still like her....and I complimented her and everything and said she rocked Hairspray and I could tell she struggled with Funny Girl because she's not a Streisand gal...and we chatted...and she said she had to get out of there...lesson plans for sophomores--what fun...*sigh* And I congratulated her one last time and then.....we all left...

And then I learned another thing. But that isn't appropriate for this thread.

ANYWAY.

So the point is. I was right. And now I can crush in comfort knowing that it's not just some silly straight girl I've got this lil thing for, you know ? That at least she understands me on a level that others don't and can't.

And she's still gorgeous. And HIGHLY entertaining.

*breathes*

Ok. I'm done. I was just so excited because I just got back from all of this and it's .....just...actually been the highlight of my week. Isn't that sad ? Aha.

~*~"I came up from the dark without you, and every day since has been in shadow.~*~

Ok. So. Yeh, it's only a crush, it'll go away...right ?

I love my gf and I KNOW it's wrong and this is not going anywhere. But it's still nice to have a gay female teacher to crush over. Ahaha.

andrewlittle

05-09-2008, 07:22 AM

Okay! You seem to be fully aware of all the things an old man might say about your crush. So, consider them said.

Other than that, I will add that I was in need of something sweet to read this morning - not sickly sweet, but sweet in a warm, human, pleasantly innocent kind of way - and your post fit that bill to a "t". You write well - I could almost feel your heart skip a beat at times.

Zerbie

05-09-2008, 01:03 PM

Teacher crushes happen. The important thing is that boundaries be respected, and it seems they are, that both of you are aware of boundaries.

Both of you are in fact in a relationship with someone important to you, but what you've found here is a teacher who is "family," who makes you light up inside in that special way. I say enjoy that. I had lots of crushes on teachers, male and female, but never were any of the female teaches out as lesbian or bi -- in fact, I think I was attracted to a lot of straight gals.:o It must feel great to have these kinds of lit-up feelings for such a crush-worthy person.

royalartisan

05-09-2008, 06:49 PM

Absolutely ! I think that's just it. I think it's just nice to know that there is an adult lesbian in my life, someone in whom I can confide when it comes to advice on relationships and just...someone who is there and understands. It's one thing to know people through the internet; it's quite another to personally know an amazing, strong, and talented lesbian who is in a mentor role in my life.

The boundaries are definitely respected. I'm not even certain that she has any idea that I am crushing on her.....and I think, at this juncture, I really can only view her as someone who gets me. She said that I remind her a LOT of herself at my age. I took that humbly as a compliment. She's just...you know, an adult figure in my life who actually can empathize with me and my problems because she's gay, too, and has probably been there before.

tymejumper

05-09-2008, 08:54 PM

Reminds me of my straight female boss at my current job. I had a horrible crush on her when I started, even though she was happily married and has since had 2 children.

I was SO nervous that she would realize I was crushing on her. I always talked to her in the presence of others,never alone with her. She ended up leaving to have babies, but we remained friendly and to this day she has no idea that I had a crush on her at one time.

I think it was manageable and easier because I am older and knew it was that, a crush. I actually enjoyed it once I put it into the crush catagory. It was the first crush I acknowleged as a lesbian.(just had come out at the time)So it is a sweet memory for me now, it makes me smile when I think about it.

As long as boundries are in place and you abide by them, you will be fine. Realize it is a crush and won't be anywhere, so enjoy it while you can.

royalartisan

05-10-2008, 05:22 AM

Thank you to everyone for your input ! Tis greatly appreciated and I will most definitely enjoy my lil crush ! XD

Depdem

05-10-2008, 03:32 PM

"Other than that, I will add that I was in need of something sweet to read this morning - not sickly sweet, but sweet in a warm, human, pleasantly innocent kind of way - and your post fit that bill to a "t". You write well - I could almost feel your heart skip a beat at times."\

I completely agree. YOu right well enough to do a romantic novel of sorts :)

You completely kept my attention on all the posts.

royalartisan

05-11-2008, 12:21 AM

I have tried my hand at romantic short stories, in fact.

I've yet to finish any of them except for three or four...and if you'd like to read the one (I actually continued the story in a second installment), it's called Elise. There is another one that I have yet to complete, but it's...yeh, I will get to it...it's called Dream a Little Dream. Nearly all of my work is at this link:

http://www.fictionpress.com/~katharynrking

Here's another post from IMDB.Com:

1 day ago (Fri May 9 2008 15:59:52)

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Oh, it's only inappropriate because it's entirely unrelated....I'm not holding out on you guys ! I promise ! I just learned another friend of mine thinks he is gay and so the whole night just flamed out all over the place..and then I'm finding out that all these girls in the honours choir have been doing this funky, fashion trendlike web of bisexuality...it's been...a queer week, truly. Ahahaha.

It IS cute...I love the relationship we've developed. Our friendship is fun and always refreshing. And still, everytime I see her from across campus, I have sudden breathing issues. Ahahaha. I don't think she knows, but if she thinks I remind her of her at my age, I'm in trouble...because if that's true, she's very easy to read and so am I......and then we're in trouble.

So I'm keeping it all very friendly and just..the way it should be.

She's not young...she's in her thirties. So...to me, it's totally Loving Annabelle status without the actual sex and all that..ever. But she's gorgeous and outgoing and smart and funny.....and I love that voice.

If she IS in a relationship, even though she said she's not (despite her myspace saying she is), that woman must be..so lucky. I'm jealous.

Anyway, it's just nice to have a lesbian teacher to crush over.

Jennifer5

05-11-2008, 02:35 AM

royal, I completely understand what you've said here.... and I usually really enjoy my crushes and often enjoy knowing that nothing or that nothing has to happen.

royalartisan

05-11-2008, 05:53 PM

Wow, I can't believe I said "she's not young..she's in her thirties" ! That sounds bad. Of course, I should re-state that as "she's in her late thirties, so she's not as young as the typical crush." Even then, I always seem to typically fall for older women. I think that's because I'm so settled with myself and so many girls my age aren't as comfortable with themselves and their sexual orientation as I am. There's that immaturity as well...

Zerbie

05-11-2008, 07:58 PM

Wow, I can't believe I said "she's not young..she's in her thirties" ! That sounds bad.

I hafta say, when I read that, I belly-laughed out loud. :lol::lol: It's relative I guess. When I was 4, 9 year-olds were ANCIENT. And 12 year olds were due to die of old age.
:D:p

If you're 18 and she's 38, then yeah, that's a crush with a 20 year age difference. Which makes it somewhat of a lot.
:p:)

Jennifer5

05-11-2008, 10:08 PM

Royal, I definately understand still... I do the same thing..:lol:

Zerbie

05-11-2008, 11:43 PM

" Even then, I always seem to typically fall for older women. I think that's because I'm so settled with myself and so many girls my age aren't as comfortable with themselves and their sexual orientation as I am. There's that immaturity as well...

Royal, I definately understand still... I do the same thing..:lol:

Most of my crushes have been on older people, and still are. Remarkably, 2 of my crushes have actually been younger than me. But I tend to go for people 15 years or more chronologically older than me. I have always found people in their 40s and 50s nearly irresistible. That was true as young as 12. :rolleyes: Younger people usually turn me off, and when I was high school age, other high school kids turned me off. 40 year olds turned me on. Go figure.

It will be interesting to see if this attraction to significantly older folk changes as I get into my 60s, 70s, and upwards. There will be fewer people 2 decades older by then, so will I crush less? or start crushing more on younger folk?

You can ask me in 40 years and I'll letcha know. :p

Jennifer5

05-12-2008, 12:16 AM

Most of my crushes have been on older people, and still are. Remarkably, 2 of my crushes have actually been younger than me. But I tend to go for people 15 years or more chronologically older than me. I have always found people in their 40s and 50s nearly irresistible. That was true as young as 12. :rolleyes: Younger people usually turn me off, and when I was high school age, other high school kids turned me off. 40 year olds turned me on. Go figure.

It will be interesting to see if this attraction to significantly older folk changes as I get into my 60s, 70s, and upwards. There will be fewer people 2 decades older by then, so will I crush less? or start crushing more on younger folk?

You can ask me in 40 years and I'll letcha know. :p

:lol:
Why are some of this like that?

I can only think of one really big crush on someone my age... and he's a total dork now, it faded pretty fast.

Most of my crushes have been on guys in their mid or late 20s... had a crush on a 28 year old, that one didn't want to fade. There were a couple in their early 20s that took months to go away. Then there was the 37 year old, yikes...

Actually, come to think of it, I don't really enjoy my crushes that much, never mind.... back to Royal now.

royalartisan

05-12-2008, 08:05 PM

Oh, you guys ! You are all so fabulous...I'm enjoying your banter very much !

I have the BIGGEST knot in my stomach right now. I walked by her room this morning 1st hour because I know that that's her prep period (it's just around the corner from my AP Gov/Econ class)....and tried the door (as part of what is becoming a very routine item on my daily to-do list), but it was indeed locked. She must have been out running copies or something. Anyway, I tried again just before 2nd hour. I did my whole lil "Psssst !" as I ducked into her room....she was cutting out these butterflies...not quite sure what that was all about, but yeh...I asked her how her weekend was and she said it was fine.

I asked her if she had any free time where we could talk, in private, because I wanted to seek her advice on a particular issue (and no, I'm not planning on telling her that I am crazy about her). In fact, Leslie and I broke up, but it has nothing to do with this crush.

Leslie and I have problems that are beyond my ability to control or fix. Mostly, the problem is her mother. And I just....yeh. That's a whole other Oprah, let me tell you. I'll discuss that in my "Hello, My Name Is..." thread, if you want to know more.

Anyway....

And so we haggled over a time because she has first lunch and I have second. Then, there was a faculty meeting scheduled for today after school. Then, tomorrow would work after school except someone else will be there. So I said screw this, I do school services and run passes first hour, I'll just check with Rita (the secretary) and see if she'll let me come by then. She said that sounded fine with her. We both know that I'm going to be discussing lesbian issues with her and that's why we don't want anyone else in the room, or else tomorrow after school would be the best time.

So I said I'd see her tomorrow morning.

At lunch, I ran into the Counseling Centre to ask Rita if I was okay to conference with a teacher 1st hour tomorrow morning and she said of course that was fine. She loves me. I'm just..that awesome. She, however, has no idea I'm gay. Let me sidebar here just a sec. Months ago, we were talking about scholarships and she goes, "They have scholarships for everything ! Do you know," and she leans in and lowers her voice and then continues to say, "they even have scholarships for gay kids!" I nodded and was all, "Of course they do, no surprise there." I remained composed until the bell rang and I was out the door, I just started laughing myself to tears.

Back to the subject...

I want to be able to talk myself out of this "I'm into her" phase because if I can see her more as a maternal or platonic figure, even though she is gay, I have a potential to have her confidances and therefore, a great relationship with her as a person on the whole. And yet, I still hold my breath every time I see her and after I talk to her, I'm giddy as hell. And I just want to cry because....it just...everyone says I'm such an old soul....and I have always agreed. Always thought of myself as older than I am....until this moment, when I realise that I'm falling apart over someone who is nearly as old as my mother. 20 years.

One of my friends said that she believes that everything happens for a reason....and that, while now is just not the time, there may be a possibility later after high school.

The other one says I'm insane and that nothing will or should probably ever happen since she's so much older than I am, whether high school has anything to do with it or not isn't the issue. It's the age gap.

And they are both right....

For now, I'm going to backburner this....and just....yeh, try to ignore the attraction I feel toward her and have been feeling toward ever since I first saw her, which was long before I confirmed that she's gay. IT'S SO HARD.

But it's not going to kill me.

It's just going to....turn itself into a monstrous knot in my stomach until I vomit.

I know, lovely imagery there, Royal....

Zerbie

05-12-2008, 09:11 PM

We both know that I'm going to be discussing lesbian issues with her and that's why we don't want anyone else in the room, or else tomorrow after school would be the best time.

I want to be able to talk myself out of this "I'm into her" phase because if I can see her more as a maternal or platonic figure, even though she is gay, I have a potential to have her confidances and therefore, a great relationship with her as a person on the whole. And yet, I still hold my breath every time I see her and after I talk to her, I'm giddy as hell. And I just want to cry because....it just...everyone says I'm such an old soul....and I have always agreed. Always thought of myself as older than I am....until this moment, when I realise that I'm falling apart over someone who is nearly as old as my mother. 20 years.

One of my friends said that she believes that everything happens for a reason....and that, while now is just not the time, there may be a possibility later after high school.

The other one says I'm insane and that nothing will or should probably ever happen since she's so much older than I am, whether high school has anything to do with it or not isn't the issue. It's the age gap.

And they are both right....

For now, I'm going to backburner this....and just....yeh, try to ignore the attraction I feel toward her and have been feeling toward ever since I first saw her, which was long before I confirmed that she's gay. IT'S SO HARD.

But it's not going to kill me.

....

You don't have to ignore the crush. Just don't act on it. Enjoy the fact that you light up around her. Know that nothing will come of it except a kind of older-sister mentoring type thing.

Those boundaries do need to stay put. She CANNOT cross that boundary with a student even if she wants to, and I know you wouldn't want to put her in a position of having to put the brakes on you. Which is why I say, enjoy but don't act. The way things are now sounds great, actually. You have an adult confidante with whom you've got a lot in common. That's wonderful!

Regards the age difference. It sucks when you're in high school to have so much attraction to adults 20 years older. But sometimes, things work out that way in the long run. I mentioned crushing on much older people. Well, I am more than 20 years younger than my husband. My best guy pal from high school recently met my hubby, remarked on the age difference and said "I always saw you with older people, because you're such an old soul." It might wind up happening, somewhere on down the road, with someone older than you. Once you're out of school and living on your own, the age differences are not so much of an issue. The main thing is getting out on your own for a while - that erases a lot of the complications about age difference. But when you're a student and crushing on a teacher, it's just gotta remain a crush "from afar."

royalartisan

05-13-2008, 12:13 AM

Jennifer5

05-13-2008, 12:14 PM

Yes, you are absolutely right....

Speaking of being out of school, only three official weeks before commencement/graduation !

I definitely light up...that's for sure. I don't think I could stop doing that if I tried..but of course I will keep you all apprised of what happens tomorrow. :D
It's probably a good thing that school will be out in 3 weeks (lucky!)... it gives you time to enjoy the crush and even time for it to drive you crazy... but then school will be out and then the crush will begin to very slowly fade away. :love:

It will take time though...

royalartisan

05-14-2008, 03:09 AM

Alright, so here's the official update:

There I stood. 7:40 AM, outside Room 108. The door was locked. The lights were on. I knocked and she answered almost immediately. I warmly greeted her and vice-versa. It took me a few minutes to start because, and I told her this, I was so unaccustomed to feeling like I could just open up about personal matters, particularly those regarding being gay.

She first asked if I was in trouble. I nervously smiled and said, "Trouble? What do you mean by trouble ? I mean, I'm not in trouble. I suppose I'm having troubles, just like anyone else, except...I can't just talk about these trouble with just anyone else, that's why I came to you." She smiled and laughed.

She was so refreshingly open about herself, and I think this was to alleviate my nervousness. I started by talking about my enlistment with the Reserves and she was stunned. She asked why I would do that to myself. Ahaa....it was great.

She openly (to me, at the least) admitted to being with her partner for nearly nine years now. Wow, I thought to myself, well at least I know now, and now that I know that, I can stop crushing so badly. After all, there's nothing worse than having a crush on a SINGLE GAY FEMALE who is nearly twenty years older than you AND a teacher. Mind you, she's not my teacher, but she's a teacher still...and that still counts. As soon as she said that, I relaxed. I'm the type of person who, when she learns someone is taken, is turned off immediately. That's why affairs completely baffle me. If they're not available, the connection just dies and I go on.

ANYWAY...

She said she never thought she'd live to see the door to "the closet," and yet, here she is, a first-year teacher having to change her pronouns and watch how she talks to her students in their discussions. It's hard, it's so hard. She's used to being out and proud....she goes to Pride all the time, her partner is high up in Frito-Lay, PepsiCo and she's participated in so many gay-oriented activities, not to mention attended the GLAAD Media Awards every year. She does so much for "our" community and then she comes to work and has to say, despite owning a home with her "domestic partner," that she's not married. And also, and this is the clencher for me, if everyone were to know and she were to be completely open, all it takes is one a-hole girl to cry wolf and say "she looked at me funny" or "she came onto me" when in fact all she did was accidentally brush up against her or something silly and completely, utterly innocent.

My military issue brought up, for her, the idea that we want to give back. You know ? That sense of civic duty. She said she went through the whole police officer thing and then found out she'd have to work nights and weekends the first one or two years, so she gave that up flat out. And she decided to go into teaching.....and I just think it's sad to be there trying to be a mentor, not just a 'teacher', but trying to open up the minds of these sheltered and ignorant teenagers....the future voters, the people who are going to be voting on whether or not she has the same rights as they will have someday with their spouses, etc....and that one issue is still taboo and could easily get her fired from her job, and possibly ruin her reputation. She hates having to lie to her students....HATES it.

So when I told her I am interested in teaching, she asked me to consider that. Could I handle putting myself in the closet for three years ? Three years are better than eight with the Army, I say ! But at the same time...she raised a couple of good points there. The whole point in wanting to be an educator is to teach the subject one is qualified to teach. But the whole point in wanting to be a mentor is to take the lessons to the next level, to the world and to the human heart and soul---especially in the humanities/fine arts courses such as English and Theatre Arts.

We joked around the subjects I really wanted to discuss, but we were still able to talk about some of the things that have been on my mind. I told her about my coming out process. We talked about the "issues" surrounding gay marriage. We agree on so much. What is frightening now is that she is me. She said she's been "out" since she was 20.
And then she asked how long I've been officially out and I said since I was...13. So yeh. You know, and all I wanted at that point was to bask in this opportunity to know a fellow lesbian who has LIVED so much life...and how she has been able to be so strong.

We talked a great deal about her, but I was fine with that....I truly was. I am so damned fascinated by her life and by her as a whole person. To be truthful, I'm more curious about her life than discussing my own. Then she told me I should go to Long Beach Pride this weekend and we got off on that tangent. And then the bell rang.

But ! I ducked back into her room after school to ask for details about Pride...which, to be honest, isn't really my thing. Ask me why later. There was another person who came into the room, and I knew she'd be coming, that's why I didn't want to stay too long, lest the pronouns begin shifting (and they did, which I almost wanted to laugh about when she said "beautiful....man...in your life someday, you're just young and they probably don't think you should be looking for that, that you should be focused on college and nothing else" when we were talking about my parents).

But there's more....so I asked if I could stop by again tomorrow morning to get to the whole point of my going to talk to her in the first place. I just think we really connected on the right level. :) And I am so....in a way, jealous of her partner....but, if I am so much like her, there's a great chance out there for someone just as wonderful to come into my life.

I'm glad that my brain was able to make the shift from....*drool* to "hey, she's amazing in a big sister sort of way".......and I'm still lighting up. She's...bloody amazing. Period.

If you're still interested, I'll post another update on our next convo tomorrow evening !

Jennifer5

05-14-2008, 12:25 PM

I'm still interested:)

royalartisan

05-14-2008, 08:17 PM

Haha !

I saw her again this morning...we had another fabulous discussion.

Honestly, and I told her this, talking to her is like talking to a 37-yr-old version of myself, and she pretty much agreed. We just...have so much in common. Everything I brought up, she responded the way I expected her to respond. I'd say something and then I'd hear my own thoughts bounce back at me. It's kind of a cool thing, you know ?

So as she was giving me advice, I was checking off all her points off the list in my head. It's just nice to hear from someone who thinks the same way you do....and she really reinforced all my strengths. She's an amazing person. She truly is.

She convinced me to go out to Long Beach Pride this Sunday....

It was...crazy. I actually signed up to volunteer for it ! XD

Basically, here is a woman who, if I maintain the strength of character I have now, I would be content with being confused with (if that makes any sense). I'd love for someone to say, "Hey, you remind me of So-and-So ! You're so full of life and strength....and what a role model you are, what a positive impact you've had!"

Because that is how I see her..and how similar we are already just...gives me a hell of a lot of inspiration. It tells me that I'm not doing so badly. I mean...she is doing FANTASTIC. She's with someone she loves, she's led a brilliant life, and she's who she is and thriving. Of course, there's this one thing here....but she is not going to let it destroy her. After all, I think we'd all like to be respected for our contributions and for our impact and not whether or not we are male, female, white, black, hetero, or homosexual. At the same time, I just want to live honestly and not have to hide in a double life, not have to lie to people when they ask me if I'm with someone or if I'm gay.

When I opened up about some pretty hard stuff, she just flat out gave me the truth. And I liked that...I liked someone just...saying what needs to be said and not being shy. After all, I came to her for guidance and advice. And sometimes, hearing that you have a problem from someone who's had that same issue, can hurt, but it's necessary. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

And my problem is that fight or flight. Because as much as I try to be strong and fight, there have been two major events in my life in which I felt threatened and just..had to get out or I would have been either taken advantage of continuously or...maybe even dead. But now, as I'm getting older..she held that mirror up and said that no one's expectations matter except your own. And I'm getting older and as I gather my strength and become independent, I have to start fighting more.

Exhibit A. The ex wants her stuff back. Instead of driving out there to return it to her, Ms. L says to just "ship her shit back to her and be done with it" instead of messing around with schedules and trying to be so accomodating all the time.

I don't know......

It was like hearing my thoughts and advice being echoed back to me from an older, more experience version of myself. Ahahaha....

She's brilliant......and if she's brilliant, I must be !

Still have this lil thing for her, but now it's really that hero worship kind of crush. Like I said, the moment she mentioned her partner, I just...shut off all that lovey dovey crap. It's just...not attractive or helpful to fall for a taken woman. Of course we joked around again..........we've always got jokes. She kicks ass. Period.

I remember one of the first things she said to me yesterday morning...

"I remember being in the 4th grade and my best friend, I mean, I shared my lifesavers with her, it had to be love!"

Zerbie

05-14-2008, 11:27 PM

A little hero-worship now & then is good and fun and healthy. We just have to try not to hold it against people when they can't live up to a pedestal all the time in all ways, and I think you know that. ;):)

Enjoy having someone in your life who you look up to this way. It never really stops, y'know. I see friends around me all the time who embody qualities I would like to attain, and having them around me, or just thinking of them, inspires me in that direction.

She sounds wonderful, Rachel. So do you. You have every reason to anticipate realizing your dreams of being fully you, being loved, being accomplished, enjoying life and giving back. You are already on that path.
:love::rainbow:

royalartisan

05-15-2008, 01:33 AM

Awww *blushes*...

NO, I will not blush ! I accept your compliments with the greatest humility and I thank you for them. :)

Ohmgah...she is hilarious. She was showing off her tattoos today, it was awesome. And then I told her about the lakesh I want tattooed on my left hand....looks like the one Helen Mirren has...but mine is INTENDED to be symbolic and not a result of a drunken escapade (disclaimer: I LOVE Helen Mirren to DEATH, so please do not think I'm trying to take a jab at her; she admitted to being drunk when she had that tattoo done, so I'm just poking a little fun at her).

Anyway, Ms. L just...got me really thinking about what I truly want for myself. Sometimes, we do need to conform....sometimes, we just need to kick our own asses and put up with bureaucratic crap that pisses us off. And other times, we need to stick to our guns. It's about timing. There's a time and a place, and there are always tradeoffs (gah, now I sound like an economics textbook)--emotional as well as financial.

On the other end of the spectrum, what I love about my Theatre coach is that she is a pretty hardcore single kickass Mormon lady who has taught me everything I know about Theatre and has been almost a second mother to me throughout high school....she has known I'm gay since whoever told her....and for the longest time, I had no idea that she knew...but has she treated me any differently ? No. In fact, it has been a non-issue. We can even joke and laugh and sometimes even have serious discussions. She has been a great and fabulous guide in my development. AND she is gravitating toward this new teacher as a BFF, the one I've been raving about, Ms. L..because Ms. L just kicks ass and is down to earth like that, and SO much fun to be around....and exudes such a great presence. I wish she had come to work at my school when I was a Freshman or something.

....and my coach/director understand that we can only talk to a certain extent because she just cannot empathise. So that's where Ms. L becomes my go-to woman, the other mother or big sister who has BEEN there, DONE that.....and lived strongly in spite of the crap and all the emotional baggage.

So it's like the best of both worlds. One open(enough)-minded Mormon teacher who has been there for me, and one lesbian liberal who lives her life on the opposite end of that spectrum 99% of the time. And they are both damn near BFFs now this year....and even better than that, I have them in my life to be sort of guardian angel figures. Two women who may offer differing viewpoints, but who will always tell it like it is and be down to earth...and not sugarcoat things. :) I'm so very blessed to have them both.

And I'm kind of glad I'm sticking around to be able to go back and say hey now and then....go for coffee (with Ms. L obviously, not my theatre coach since she follows the Mormon tenant of 'no caffeine or other bodily pollutants') and shmooze.

Jennifer5

05-15-2008, 02:02 AM

Zerbie

05-15-2008, 12:34 PM

They sound like wonderful women!! :D :)

There's a strong current of anti-Mormonism in our culture, generally speaking, and it irritates me. I know a lot of Mormons, and tend to get along really well with Mormon girls/women.

Anyway, you could go out for coffee with your Mormon teacher/mentor, and she can have caffeine free herbal tea, or a cup of fruit juice, right? ;):p :lol:

royalartisan

05-15-2008, 11:45 PM

They are indeed wonderful women ! Haha...tea works ! I know by hanging out again today (this time after school) with Ms. L that she's up for a beer now and then. But I'm not old enough to buy her a drink just yet...not in the States, anyway ! XD

Golden Lion at Piccadilly anyday, though. :P

Yeh, today we talked more about school and teaching and how well she and my theatre coache have been getting along. Apparently, they are both on duty for Grad Nite so I told her that could be their "beer date" since my director obviously doesn't drink. Aahaha. I would love to see them hang out and all, though. They worked well together during HSM.....and seeing as our school's faculty doesn't really commune very well, it'd show people that there is unity and that there is a family of teachers on our campus...

And aside from that, it would just be so kickass. So there. XD

I'm going to miss them...SO much.

But I'm glad that I'm not going anywhere just yet. Not for another two years at the least.

She's still so much like me, even though she teased me for liking the Beatles. Ahahah I told her I like the more recent stuff and not the sugary crap. Then we talked about cussing..we talked about books....we talked about students (in general, mostly)...we talked about the education system..AP exams.....we talked about how I want her to come see my freshmen do their One-Acts (one of which I'm directing for my Senior Project)...and she was saying "OH, they're FRESHMEN?" and so I made fun of her for being prejudiced against them even though she's such an "open" person. And it was just....good times. We talked about tattoos.....we talked about the California Supreme Court ruling.....we talked about our school's production of High School Musical (for which I stage managed and in which she played Ms. Darbus as I mentioned in earlier posts) and how it was just a pain in the ass......we talked about the Broadway vocal clinic and concert....we talked about my fight or flight stuff....we talked about how I'm such a pessimist even though I'm really not...I'm actually usually very optimistic. But more than that, I'm a realist. I just take the crap as it happens....we talked about that....we talked about some other random junk.....

And then I finally had to leave.....and of course, I felt guilty for talking to her so long she couldn't get any grading done. And she said it was fine and that she would have found some other excuse not to work....and I said, "Well, in my defense, you were reading the paper when I first came in."

Oh, we talked about language....both foreign and native....we talked about a few teachers.....and we talked about my going into teaching...

Yeh...we talked about a LOT of stuff.