labguy22
05-25-2008, 12:52 PM
I Am Me
The tale of a Gay Christian man
by Nick Townsend
Dedicated to Kenneth Arley Reeves
Contrary to what you may have heard or even believe yourself, Homosexuality is not sin! I know this today because I am led by the Spirit of God, and not by the words or ideas of man. I am not here to debate or discuss scripture, only to share with you my story.
I was raised in a loving, church going family. Matter of fact, we attended church three times a week and attending was not an option. From a young age I had a genuine love for God and enjoyed attending church. It was also at this early age of my life I began to realize that I was different from other boys. While they were out playing sports, I was home cleaning house, watching old movies or sometimes playing dress-up with moms jewelry. At the age of ten I began puberty and started to have very strange feelings towards other boys. This frightened me because I could tell the feelings were not mutual. I really only had one or two male friends during this time, mainly because these feelings could end up getting me into a lot of trouble. I found it best to start developing friends with girls; they weren’t scary and I felt nothing towards them except friendship. I was thirteen or so when I finally had a name for what I was; gay.
Sometime around fourteen or fifteen, the sermons at church changed. Possibly I was just becoming more aware of the actual words that were spoken in Gods name. The phrase that was most devastating was “God does not hate the homosexual, but He hates the sin of homosexuality!” This phrase would often be repeated through the years with many in the congregation verbally agreeing with the statement, with a resounding “Amen”.
Now it is your turn. Image yourself at fourteen, listening to a message by a person you have come to admire and respect as being a representative of God. During his sermon he states that God does not hate the heterosexual, but he hates the sin of heterosexuality, and people all around you are nodding in agreement. What would this do to you? You did not choose to be heterosexual anymore than you chose the color of your skin or your gender; God made you that way. Now your being told that God hates what you are. What would hearing this message time and time again do to you?
For myself, the seeds of self hatred and homophobia had been planted and began to take root. I began to hate everything about me that I related to being gay. I began having sex with girls, just to prove I was not gay. I was the first to make hateful remarks about gays and vehemently denied being gay if anyone ever accused me. I begged and pleaded with God to change me and make me “normal”.
My feelings toward men only grew, so I then turned my hatred towards those people telling me that being gay was an “abomination”. I stopped going to church and wanted nothing to do with God. This in turn led to my hatred for God . If He was going to hate me, then I would hate Him; it was that simple. Why would I love a God who would make me gay, then say He hated me for it?
What I did not realize, was that the tear which formed when God was ripped from life, would become an enormous Void. I was also unaware that there were many things waiting to fill that void, evil things. Today I may even say those things were actually demons, ready to set up house and I am certain they invited their friends along to the party.
Although many demons came and went, the two that decided I would make a wonderful home were named Methamphetamine and Reckless Anonymous Sex. Although I had met both when I was sixteen, they just visited until about twenty-five when they became permanent residents.
Let me say I do not consider sex to be evil or demonic. The reckless, unprotected encounters with multiple partners which number in the high triple digits were most certainly a means of self destruction. Actually I was purposely seeking HIV positive partners in the hope that I might become infected. If the huge amount of meth I was smoking and injecting did not kill me, I was hoping AIDS would. I now refer to these years as the dark times.
I began selling meth as a means of supporting my new found love. I chased away my family and my only friends were those I sold dope to. By the time I was raided by the sheriff, I was using about 3.5 grams of meth per day and selling about the same. Court ordered rehab got me clean for about seven months; problem was that Void had grown enormous and was still begging to be filled. Guess who was waiting to jump back in? Oh yeah, my old lover, Meth.
Without realizing, I had made meth my new God. I spent all my time, all my money, all my energy just to support her. I would not do anything without her. The only time I would leave my apartment was to pick up more. I had been unemployed for over two years, existing solely on what I sold and the charity of family members who had not completely given up on me.
My favorite way of taking the drug was by smoking it using a glass pipe attached to a water bong. In this fashion I would usually be on my knees, hands on the floor; I was literally bowing before my God.
Then one day, She appeared. As I was kneeling and preparing to “worship”, I heard Her say, “So how's that working out for you Nick?”. It had been a very long time since I had heard that voice, but I knew immediately that it was the voice of the Spirit of God. I replied almost sobbing, it’s not!!! She replied, “Ready to come home?” I sobbed, yes!
This perfect, beautiful Spirit is the greatest treasure that God has given to us. She is pure Love. She is here to lead, guide, comfort, instruct and correct us as we travel this path. She is not hard, harsh or sharp. She does not teach prejudice, bigotry, discrimination or hate; neither should we.
God has given me a new life. He has restored to me all that was lost and given me more than I could ever have imagined. He has given me a wonderful partner whom I love dearly. Although that old seed of self homophobia and self hatred was still there along with those old messages of hate. Finally I had enough and said, all right, if this is not what you want want for me, then I will end the relationship; this was three years into the relationship. The Spirit gently replied, "I gave him to you, why would you try and give him back?". From that moment I have been free from any doubt or hatred towards myself . I am free to love, and be loved.
My story is only one of many who have had similar experiences. My hope is that if you belong to a group who preaches discrimination, bigotry and hatred toward anyone, that you would consider what kind of damage you are causing to lives; all in the name of God. I will never again allow man to separate me from the love of God; there are young ones out there among you who have not learned this. It is for their sake I write this and ask you to follow the Spirit of God, not the words and prejudices of man.
The tale of a Gay Christian man
by Nick Townsend
Dedicated to Kenneth Arley Reeves
Contrary to what you may have heard or even believe yourself, Homosexuality is not sin! I know this today because I am led by the Spirit of God, and not by the words or ideas of man. I am not here to debate or discuss scripture, only to share with you my story.
I was raised in a loving, church going family. Matter of fact, we attended church three times a week and attending was not an option. From a young age I had a genuine love for God and enjoyed attending church. It was also at this early age of my life I began to realize that I was different from other boys. While they were out playing sports, I was home cleaning house, watching old movies or sometimes playing dress-up with moms jewelry. At the age of ten I began puberty and started to have very strange feelings towards other boys. This frightened me because I could tell the feelings were not mutual. I really only had one or two male friends during this time, mainly because these feelings could end up getting me into a lot of trouble. I found it best to start developing friends with girls; they weren’t scary and I felt nothing towards them except friendship. I was thirteen or so when I finally had a name for what I was; gay.
Sometime around fourteen or fifteen, the sermons at church changed. Possibly I was just becoming more aware of the actual words that were spoken in Gods name. The phrase that was most devastating was “God does not hate the homosexual, but He hates the sin of homosexuality!” This phrase would often be repeated through the years with many in the congregation verbally agreeing with the statement, with a resounding “Amen”.
Now it is your turn. Image yourself at fourteen, listening to a message by a person you have come to admire and respect as being a representative of God. During his sermon he states that God does not hate the heterosexual, but he hates the sin of heterosexuality, and people all around you are nodding in agreement. What would this do to you? You did not choose to be heterosexual anymore than you chose the color of your skin or your gender; God made you that way. Now your being told that God hates what you are. What would hearing this message time and time again do to you?
For myself, the seeds of self hatred and homophobia had been planted and began to take root. I began to hate everything about me that I related to being gay. I began having sex with girls, just to prove I was not gay. I was the first to make hateful remarks about gays and vehemently denied being gay if anyone ever accused me. I begged and pleaded with God to change me and make me “normal”.
My feelings toward men only grew, so I then turned my hatred towards those people telling me that being gay was an “abomination”. I stopped going to church and wanted nothing to do with God. This in turn led to my hatred for God . If He was going to hate me, then I would hate Him; it was that simple. Why would I love a God who would make me gay, then say He hated me for it?
What I did not realize, was that the tear which formed when God was ripped from life, would become an enormous Void. I was also unaware that there were many things waiting to fill that void, evil things. Today I may even say those things were actually demons, ready to set up house and I am certain they invited their friends along to the party.
Although many demons came and went, the two that decided I would make a wonderful home were named Methamphetamine and Reckless Anonymous Sex. Although I had met both when I was sixteen, they just visited until about twenty-five when they became permanent residents.
Let me say I do not consider sex to be evil or demonic. The reckless, unprotected encounters with multiple partners which number in the high triple digits were most certainly a means of self destruction. Actually I was purposely seeking HIV positive partners in the hope that I might become infected. If the huge amount of meth I was smoking and injecting did not kill me, I was hoping AIDS would. I now refer to these years as the dark times.
I began selling meth as a means of supporting my new found love. I chased away my family and my only friends were those I sold dope to. By the time I was raided by the sheriff, I was using about 3.5 grams of meth per day and selling about the same. Court ordered rehab got me clean for about seven months; problem was that Void had grown enormous and was still begging to be filled. Guess who was waiting to jump back in? Oh yeah, my old lover, Meth.
Without realizing, I had made meth my new God. I spent all my time, all my money, all my energy just to support her. I would not do anything without her. The only time I would leave my apartment was to pick up more. I had been unemployed for over two years, existing solely on what I sold and the charity of family members who had not completely given up on me.
My favorite way of taking the drug was by smoking it using a glass pipe attached to a water bong. In this fashion I would usually be on my knees, hands on the floor; I was literally bowing before my God.
Then one day, She appeared. As I was kneeling and preparing to “worship”, I heard Her say, “So how's that working out for you Nick?”. It had been a very long time since I had heard that voice, but I knew immediately that it was the voice of the Spirit of God. I replied almost sobbing, it’s not!!! She replied, “Ready to come home?” I sobbed, yes!
This perfect, beautiful Spirit is the greatest treasure that God has given to us. She is pure Love. She is here to lead, guide, comfort, instruct and correct us as we travel this path. She is not hard, harsh or sharp. She does not teach prejudice, bigotry, discrimination or hate; neither should we.
God has given me a new life. He has restored to me all that was lost and given me more than I could ever have imagined. He has given me a wonderful partner whom I love dearly. Although that old seed of self homophobia and self hatred was still there along with those old messages of hate. Finally I had enough and said, all right, if this is not what you want want for me, then I will end the relationship; this was three years into the relationship. The Spirit gently replied, "I gave him to you, why would you try and give him back?". From that moment I have been free from any doubt or hatred towards myself . I am free to love, and be loved.
My story is only one of many who have had similar experiences. My hope is that if you belong to a group who preaches discrimination, bigotry and hatred toward anyone, that you would consider what kind of damage you are causing to lives; all in the name of God. I will never again allow man to separate me from the love of God; there are young ones out there among you who have not learned this. It is for their sake I write this and ask you to follow the Spirit of God, not the words and prejudices of man.