Our oldest daughter

[pnggrad79]

I know I will get some good advice from you guys so fire when ready.

Situation: Oldest daughter, 20, is very intelligent and beautiful. Problem? She is lazy. She only does what she needs to do to barely squeak by. Most of anything she does is half ass at best. Her room is in shambles, I have to ASK her to clean up, and now she brings home a report from the college she goes to saying she is on academic probation for failing biology two semesters in a row. Ask her why? She just couldn't get into it. Plus the professor was boring. She has champagne tastes and wants all these expensive things, but doesn't want to put out the effort to get them. She expects them to just fall in her lap, I guess. She works, but is late to work half the time. She sleeps on her days off, and her room smells for all the trash she has thrown on the floor.

I don't know what to do. She is 20 almost 21, seems to lack any kind of direction. She takes meds for anxiety and I think she just doesn't want to fail so she doesn't even try. Of course, that insures failure.

Am I expecting too much? I want her to make good grades, I want her to get some sort of degree where she can make a decent living, I want her to have some pride in her space, but she could freaking care less.


My wife wants to issue an ultimatum-either shape up or leave. I think it is too drastic, because she doesn't make enough money to live on her own. But it might be the fire under her butt to do get up and do something with her life. My wife says that we are enabling her to just coast along, because we make her get up out of bed. We make her clean up her room. We make her wash her clothes, but if we didn"t it wouldn't get done! I was hoping she would develop some intrinsic motivation and do something just because it needs to be done.

How does one motivate a young adult who is directionless and has no motivation? I wasn't like that at her age. I knew what I wanted and I knew I had to work to get it. And I did. I worked my tail off, but she doesn't work her tail off for nothing.

Any suggestions?:headbang::headbang::headbang:

[matthewspeed]

I am not an expert with raising children. I can only thank God for giving my parents the patience for putting up with me when I was a a teen and into my early 20s!

I am sure others may have better advice for you, but one thing may be something to consider. It is possible that your daughter is suffering from Depression. All the things you talked about is what I have experienced right on the mark. She may not even know why she has a lack of motivation. Depression can be extremly paralyzing. I am not a doctor, by any means. Obviously, I don't know all the dynamics involved in your daughters life.

But that may be something to look into. One thing I can do, is pray for you, and I will. Keep us posted.

God bless you.

[nmwolfboy]

Well, my parents gave me a set of luggage on my eighteenth birthday. In response, i continued to live at home for another year. They were clear with me that i had to work at least as many hours a week as they did, and they weren't shy in asking me to help with the house payments, either.

i don't know parenting. But admittedly your description of your daughter might also have applied to me at times in my life. A few things do come to mind, though.

Is she passionate or excited about anything? You mentioned that she takes meds for anxiety. Has she been evaluated for depression or even just a change in meds? i have to agree with Matthew, what you describe sounds like depression, though of course there's no way for me to know the whole picture.

Tough love does sometimes work, but ruling out other potential causes of her behavior first is important. So far as college, maybe it is time to lay down the law, especially if you're footing the bill for her education. Give her some clear expectations, "if your GPA doesn't improve by x points, you've either got to pay your own way or make your own way without college. That means paying for everything yourself." Of course, ultimatums can rebound.

Like i said though, i'm not a parent. What i can do is add my prayers to Matthew's. There are alot of parents who frequent Soulforce - anyone have suggestions from experience?

Pax,
scott

[Alecto]

Regarding the depression: exactly what I was going to say. The important question here is: is she seeing a talk therapist for the anxiety besides just taking meds? Most mood disorders see better results with a combination approach. Something to consider.

I know a lot more about that aspect than I do about parenting, but when my parents had problems with my brother, they sat him down and outlined (literally wrote out) what the expectations were on both ends. It included what he expected of them (food, probably help with medical bills at that time, in your case money for college if that was previously agreed upon, etc), and what they expected of him (there was rent, there was how much help with chores, and there were living rules like curfew, knowing where he was going and with whom, etc). The circumstances were very different with him, so you might focus on only some parts of that, but I think it did help them all live together a little more harmoniously from then on. It was also a good opportunity to discuss what each person's expectations were, and why they were or were not really "fair" and reasonable expectations.

Best of luck.

[EvangelicalSunblock]

It's amazing what happens when you don't wash your clothes and no one makes you....you don't have any clothes. She never cleans her room, her stuff will start to grow legs and walk away. If she continues to be late for work she will get fired. I think it's time to do some experiments with the kiddo...who is indeed acting like a kiddo and not the adult that she is.

I'm still in my 20's....just barely but don't tell anyone. I also have an 18 & 16 year old sister. I ran screaming at 18. They work and are desperate to get out of the house because our parents are nut balls. So, you seem pretty cool and there doesn't seem to be a need to run from you. That's a great problem to have. But, it does look like it's time for an ultimatum and that doesn't have to be a death sentence. She might tantrum, but she'll get over it.

And yes, I agree that there might be some depression going on there. 20 years old, female, struggling with school and attention...that's hard. I also think that something that helps college kids through depression is lots of love and some structure and some good ol' therapy. She doesn't know how to create structure for herself and you can definitely help her with that. Also, personal experience talking - anxiety meds make you really really tired. They do exactly what they are supposed to do, calm you down. They are also really addicting. I was thrilled to be able to stay awake through class but all I did was count the minutes until I could crash in my dorm. Can she take them at night? The more involved I was with work, the less time I had to freak out about the fact that I had no idea what to do with myself. I still do this and still have no idea what to do with myself ;) I'm guessing it will always be difficult for her.

What was my point...oh, yes, keep on loving your daughter. Try to get a dialogue going. She sounds fabulous and I can only guess that she has a great sense of humor. Sending you all good thoughts that you survive this and that your daughter will be able to support you in your old age ;)