The INs and OUTs (so to speak) of dating

[Matt Algren]

So here's a question. How long after you came out did you start dating? Or am I assuming too much when I put the dating after the coming out?

I hate this. I'm one of those newbies who has never been on a date (guys or girls). So now it's been eight months since the big reveal and I feel like I should be out there meeting people, but I still don't feel ready. I'm just starting with so much baggage and I don't know the rules. For all intents and purposes I'm 14 again, at least in terms of dating experience.

Blarg. I hate this.

[pnggrad79]

I might sound a little conservative but if you are 14, you have the rest of your life to be in a relationship. Don't rush into this. Some people, myself included, have had to go through several relationships before you get it right. Relationships are wonderful, but a lot of work. Don't be in such a hurry to be in one. Look around, date around, figure out who it is you want and what you want out of a relationship. Cool your jets, young one.

;)

[Matt Algren]

I might sound a little conservative but if you are 14...
Just to be clear, I'm 35, but I'm learning the rules that are usually learned in adolescence.

I wouldn't relive 14 if you paid me. I was all elbows and knees.

[Alecto]

I came out earlier than you, but not early enough to avoid that whole thing. It does feel like that part of your life is just totally stunted; one more thing most straight folks have the advantage on. I can't say as I have any actual advice except that the only way to move forward and learn is to move forward and learn. I don't think there's really a way to "skip" the relational adolescence bit; I think you just have to move through it (but, then, I could be wrong? I'll be watching this thread too).

[matthewspeed]

Just to be clear, I'm 35, but I'm learning the rules that are usually learned in adolescence.

I wouldn't relive 14 if you paid me. I was all elbows and knees.



Thats hilarious!!:D I thought you were 14 as well! I'm glad you revealed your age. I was about to respond to as if you were 14!

I,too, wouldn't go back to 14 -not on your life!!:eek:

But, being 35 is not old. Being in your thirties is todays twenties, as they say, so actually, you are only 25! :D

I guess I must really be 33! :D

I will say this, however. Meeting other men online is not a bad thing. I am not talking about sex-hookup sites. There are some great gay dating sites and gay christian dating sites. I have had a few dates from a couple of legit online dating services. I haven't met Mr. Right at this point, but many I have met remain to beome awsome friends to me. I have found that many men that are newly out use the online dating.

This is just one avenue to meet other men by becoming friends and learning about others journeys and sharing your own.

Just my thoughts

-Matthew

[Daniel]

Huge Kudos for coming out! That is a big big big deal. Major deal! Wow!

I came out at the aqe of 28, a little younger than you and met my husband at the age of 34. So- there were some years in there- you might say.

Gee. I have to say that I was pretty clueless when it came to dating. I had such low self-esteem (the term now being used) that I shacked up with the first guy to take a serious look at me. Stupid! Lasted four and a half years. Yes- some very good things resulted from that relationship, but the relationship itself was not a very good one. Know what the 'dump' line was from my then boyfriend?

"I can't be with you anymore because you are holding back my spiritual development."

Sounds hilarious now, but it wasn't funny at the time. I was devastated. But I learned something- that is- to think better of myself and not put up with egocentric people.

What can I tell you?

This: there aren't any rules. The feelings you have are the ones that you are having. And if you feel like you are 14 again, then so be it. Honor that 14 year old young man who wants to love and be loved and cherished. Don't let anyone take advantage of him. As well, let him have his day: he may want to experience things which your logical mind finds unsettling. And that's Ok. He may want to have a range of experiences. And that's Ok too.

The best thing I can say it to let yourself date without self-judgement or condemnation. Be good to yourself and others, and don't put up with games or crap. That said, try not to be so fearful that you miss opportunities that are right under your nose.

You never know when a guy is going to take a shine to you. And if you are busy worrying about things, you may not notice that guy's shy attraction towards you.

Got that? ;)

My sense is that the universe gets us together via our desires- and owning them and making peace with them is one of the big things about being in relationship.

Last piece of unasked for advice. Remember this: to have a Prince you have to be a Prince.

You have to give the very thing you want to have.

So- how about going out there and asking a guy for a date? And if the thought and the guy makes you tingle and terrified, it's probably a good thing. ;)

You can have the love you want buddy. :)

[BrianB]

So here's a question. How long after you came out did you start dating? Or am I assuming too much when I put the dating after the coming out?

I hate this. I'm one of those newbies who has never been on a date (guys or girls). So now it's been eight months since the big reveal and I feel like I should be out there meeting people, but I still don't feel ready. I'm just starting with so much baggage and I don't know the rules. For all intents and purposes I'm 14 again, at least in terms of dating experience.

Blarg. I hate this.

Matt, I came out late in life at 36 years old. I was also in college at 36 so I joined the gay and lesbian alliance at school. It was a great way to meet glbt people. We older students would get together on the weekend and go out as a group to the club. People just naturally paired up after some time. Another way I met christian gay men was through groups on the internet. I emailed someone on a regular basis for a while. If there was some common interest we would meet somewhere public for coffee or a meal. If things went well then we would make another date. Another way I found gay men was by attending local affirming and accepting churches. Although most of those guys already had a partner sometimes they knew someone that was single. BTW, I'm also in southwest Ohio, Dayton to be precise.

[matthewspeed]

BTW, I'm also in southwest Ohio, Dayton to be precise.

Hey Brian,

I live in Cincinnati. Your practically my neighbor. I'm always looking for other buddies to hang with. Maybe we should get together for a cup of coffee or something. Please understand, I'm not trying to "hook up," just looking for other friends.:) Send a PM if your interested.

-Matthew:cool:

[Pablo Rafael]

So here's a question. How long after you came out did you start dating? Or am I assuming too much when I put the dating after the coming out?


Matt,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I came out about a year ago to family and friends, and a month ago at work. I am getting a later start than you are. I am 14 year old who happens to have a chronological age of 47.

I have no advice really. I have gone out with two guys. Both of whom I met here on the forums. (Actually one date is coming up next week it hasn't actually happened.) Both just started with conversation and ended up with a "let's meet in person" plan. I have no idea what I am doing. I tell God to direct me to the person he has chosen for me. I trust he will do it. It's sort of a passive strategy to dating. I probably should be more agressive, but for now I plan to take life as it comes.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[matthewspeed]

(Actually one date is coming up next week it hasn't actually happened.) Both just started with conversation and ended up with a "let's meet in person" conversation. I have no idea what I am doing. I tell God to direct me to the person he has chosen for me. I trust he will do it




Hmmmm.... I wonder who you are having a date with next week. :D

[BrianB]

check your messages Matthew.

[Matt Algren]

This: there aren't any rules. The feelings you have are the ones that you are having. And if you feel like you are 14 again, then so be it. Honor that 14 year old young man who wants to love and be loved and cherished. Don't let anyone take advantage of him. As well, let him have his day: he may want to experience things which your logical mind finds unsettling. And that's Ok. He may want to have a range of experiences. And that's Ok too.Have a safe word. Got it.

Seriously, thanks guys. At the risk of whining, I just feel like I'm so far behind. (And yes, it is a race.) Why would anybody want to get involved in some guy with all this clumsy baggage? Now that I'm not beating myself up for being gay anymore, I seem to have replaced it with beating myself up for not coming out 20 years ago.

But as Stuart Smalley says, that's just stinkin' thinkin', and I refuse to beat myself up. (Though I shouldn't beat myself up for beating myself up, and now here I am saying 'should' over and over, or as we say in program, I'm shoulding all over myself...)

Brian, thanks for the g/l alliance suggestion. That's a promising idea.

(West Ohio represent!)

[Alecto]

It really is a super-common thing. You may or may not be "behind" hetero peers, but you're not that far behind many of the guys you're looking to date. Guess that's a double-edged blade, but the point is, you're pretty much right where you're supposed to be.

[EvangelicalSunblock]

Matt, I think you're hysterical. You literally busted out with "stinkin thinkin". I can't imagine that you'll be dateless for long.

I feel like Daniel stole the words out of my mouth. He's a smarty that one ;) There really aren't any rules. Be that 14 year old boy. It will be so healing. As my good & witty friend Johnny says (born & raised in rural Georgia and survived), sometimes I just need to give my inner boy a big ol' hug.

Although I definitely agree with you that there are disadvantages of having to deal with this so late in the race, at least you get to act like a 14 year old without actually being a 14 year old all over again. And you're not alone. There are a bunch of "boys" out there asking the same questions.

If I was a boy I'd snap you right up, baggage and all. Big giant gay kudos to you for coming out. Gay kudos are always better than regular kudos.

[Gregory_de_Bois]

I kind of know what you are going through. I have come out to myself and (quite) a few friends, and I am continuing the outing process among friends. I feel like I am behind though and have to wait to get ahead, because there really is no way that I can date as a teen under the rules of my parents who still don't know I am gay. I guess I just have to be patient.