My nephew's wedding

[pnggrad79]

My sister deliberately left off my wife's name on an invitation addressed to me and my two daughters. The invitation is to my nephew's wedding (her son). She told me that she never accepted my relationship with my wife, and that it would be upsetting to everyone if I came with her. So she deliberately left her name off and requested that she not come.

AS IF HER NOT COMING IS GOING TO MAKE ME NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God I am angry.

What do I say to this idiot sister of mine? Do I go to the wedding anyway? Do I miss my nephew's wedding because his mother is an ass?

I am trying to calm down, but I am really angry right now. :mad::mad::mad::headbang::headbang::headbang:

[matthewspeed]

Pnggrad,

I can feel your pain. Your anger is justified. But I will give my advice. You decide if it is good advice or not.

First of all, the wedding is your nephews, not your sisters. She needs to realize this. Would you be able to meet with your nephew and discuss this with him? That would be the best thing to do, in my opinion. By having further discussions with your sister may cause more tension and will most likely blow out of control.

Your nephew needs to know that your wife is an integral part of your life. She is your life partner. The reason for her to come with you is to support you and your nephews marriage. You both will be at the wedding rejoicing in the union of two people. Many people have this distorted thinking that when a gay or lesbian brings their partner/spouce to a family gathering, it is to bring attention to themselves- to make a political statement. Your nephew needs to know that this is not the case. As I said, you both support one another and you both will be there to focus and celebrate the wedding of your nephew.

By having a discussion with your nephew will make things a lot easier and will be more clear to him. Does he know about your life with your wife? Perhaps he hasn't a clue and does not understand the dynamics of your relationship. He may have his own stereotypical beliefs about gay/lesbian people. By you having an adult conversation, will enlighten him and this may just bring your closer to your family. Your sister has no say. Again, it is not her wedding.

If your nephew tells you that he does not want your wife there, then you need to make the choice whether you want to go or not. After all, you have every right to bring a guest of your choice. But if your nephew has no understanding and is against your wife coming, then why would you want to go and rejoice in his wedding? To me, the connection is not there with you and your nephew and you would have anger in your heart the whole time you are at the wedding. Why should you put yourself through the rejection? You would be sitting there knowing that you are not fully welcome. And at the same time, you would be expected to give money or a gift. Your heart would not be in it. You would not be giving with an open heart. It would be done grudgingly.

I'm sure others on this forum will have more advice for you. Maybe someone else has something better, but this is how I would handle it. Keep us posted.

I will keep you in my prayers!!!:pray:

You are loved here!

-Matthew

[Matt Algren]

Matthew stole the words right out of my fingers. Talk to your nephew. Even if you're open to going without your wife, he needs to know the deeper implications of her exclusion.

[EvangelicalSunblock]

What do I say to this idiot sister of mine? Do I go to the wedding anyway? Do I miss my nephew's wedding because his mother is an ass?

I am trying to calm down, but I am really angry right now. :mad::mad::mad::headbang::headbang::headbang:

Anger makes us move and change, so let than anger out baby! One option - Yes, miss your nephew's wedding because your sister is an ass. I'm assuming that your relationship with your sister already sucks. For some, me included, there has to come a point where we must be more concerned with our families, our partners, and our well being. Staying in contact with family who makes us feel defeated and wrong isn't healthy. Unfortunately, the family member (you) who needs to create distance will always get crapped on for being selfish blah blah blah. But, sometimes we just have to stomach being misunderstood in order to have some form of sanity.

Your anger is more than valid. Your sister will never validate it. Don't let that cancel yours out. Her understanding of you is...well, a little special. I might go so far as to call her a pumpkin. It is honestly a burden to be the better informed family member.

Other options - I agree with the other's comments that it wouldn't hurt to talk to your nephew. However, your sister also needs to know that her actions impact her son. I have been outspoken about not attending family functions if my parents are there. I've missed weddings, holidays etc. I've been told that the day isn't about me to which I've replied, exactly, so it won't matter if I'm not there. I can send regards from a distance.

Ugh...I'm sorry. This really sucks.

Oh, another suggestion. Not sure if you're into this, but I like to play xbox and shoot people directly in the face :lol: after family situations like this. Then I calm down and can go back to thinking about what I might do or say ;) in the most rational way possible.

[nmwolfboy]

Put me in the "talk directly to your nephew" category. To my mind, a lot rests on your relationship to & feelings about him (and vice versa.)

Nothing like family to really treat you badly & piss you off. :smashy::headbang:

Pax et bonum,
scott

[pnggrad79]

I think if it were left up to my nephew he would invite me and my wife. He knows we are lesbians and didn't seem to have a problem with it. If I knew how to contact him I would.

My wife is upset too, and refuses to go. So I refused to go. I will not go without her. We decided to send him a gift card. But this pisses me off more than ever. I can't believe she would not include my wife...:mad:

[Matt Algren]

I think if it were left up to my nephew he would invite me and my wife. He knows we are lesbians and didn't seem to have a problem with it. If I knew how to contact him I would.

My wife is upset too, and refuses to go. So I refused to go. I will not go without her. We decided to send him a gift card. But this pisses me off more than ever. I can't believe she would not include my wife...:mad:
All the more reason to talk to him. This is a decision for the bride and groom, not the MOG. And again, even if you end up not going, it'll (hopefully) help your relationship with him if you talk to him about it.

Who knows, maybe he'll man up and tell Mom that your wife is invited.

(Incidentally, I can totally imagine this happening in my family. In fact, I can't imagine it not happening.)

[keltic63]

I think if it were left up to my nephew he would invite me and my wife. He knows we are lesbians and didn't seem to have a problem with it. If I knew how to contact him I would.

My wife is upset too, and refuses to go. So I refused to go. I will not go without her. We decided to send him a gift card. But this pisses me off more than ever. I can't believe she would not include my wife...:mad:

so who does the rsvp card go to? what address is that, your sister's? or the bride's family? (as I would assume it to be) can you contact your nephew that way?

[pnggrad79]

The rsvp goes to my sister. But it was sent from the bride, so at least I have her address. I will try to get ahold of him that way.

When he lived down here by me, he came over and talked with both of us. He never indicated he had a problem with our relationship. He is 24 years old, and needs to "man" up to his retarded mother and tell her to get over her ridiculous self.

My wife said if I responded that it would ruin mine and my sister's relationship. I said "WHAT RELATIONSHIP?" In my mind, there is no relationship with her. She refuses to accept me or my wife. So to me that means I have to live up to her standards and expectations if I want a relationship. Well, not no, but hell no! I am her sister for heaven's sake. That implies a relationship... But I didn't end it. I didn't throw her out of my life...She did that. To me, she is as good as dead.

Can you tell I am pissed off?:mad:

[kara speltz]

Pnggrad,

I can feel your pain. Your anger is justified. But I will give my advice. You decide if it is good advice or not.

First of all, the wedding is your nephews, not your sisters. She needs to realize this. Would you be able to meet with your nephew and discuss this with him? That would be the best thing to do, in my opinion. By having further discussions with your sister may cause more tension and will most likely blow out of control.

Your nephew needs to know that your wife is an integral part of your life. She is your life partner. The reason for her to come with you is to support you and your nephews marriage. You both will be at the wedding rejoicing in the union of two people. Many people have this distorted thinking that when a gay or lesbian brings their partner/spouce to a family gathering, it is to bring attention to themselves- to make a political statement. Your nephew needs to know that this is not the case. As I said, you both support one another and you both will be there to focus and celebrate the wedding of your nephew.

By having a discussion with your nephew will make things a lot easier and will be more clear to him. Does he know about your life with your wife? Perhaps he hasn't a clue and does not understand the dynamics of your relationship. He may have his own stereotypical beliefs about gay/lesbian people. By you having an adult conversation, will enlighten him and this may just bring your closer to your family. Your sister has no say. Again, it is not her wedding.

If your nephew tells you that he does not want your wife there, then you need to make the choice whether you want to go or not. After all, you have every right to bring a guest of your choice. But if your nephew has no understanding and is against your wife coming, then why would you want to go and rejoice in his wedding? To me, the connection is not there with you and your nephew and you would have anger in your heart the whole time you are at the wedding. Why should you put yourself through the rejection? You would be sitting there knowing that you are not fully welcome. And at the same time, you would be expected to give money or a gift. Your heart would not be in it. You would not be giving with an open heart. It would be done grudgingly.

I'm sure others on this forum will have more advice for you. Maybe someone else has something better, but this is how I would handle it. Keep us posted.

I will keep you in my prayers!!!:pray:

You are loved here!

-Matthew

I agree with most of what Matthew wrote. You should have a talk with your nephew. We can't expect people to read our minds, or understand the pain, if we aren't willing to share that with them. How can he grow as a compassionate human being if he isn't challenged to be so.

I would also in that discussion, express your unconditional love, but at the same time remind him that just as he would be offended if his bride to be was not included in family gatherings, you won't be able to attend the wedding without your spouse. Expressing all of this to him, using I words of love & understanding and not blaming his mom, is the best way to help him.

The religious right thrives on shaming us. When we refuse to be shamed and to continue to live in love and acceptance, it underpins their major weapon against us.

Remember that nonviolence means never giving up on people. This can be an amazing opportunity for your family to understand. Don't cheat them.

My prayers go with you. Like all nonviolence, this is hard stuff to do.

Kara