Introspection

[scott snedeker]

Lately I have been missing folks sharing their looking within. So much has been posted on outside issues and scripture.

I miss the spiritual intimacy of folks sharing conemplative introspective thoughts that are more reflective of what is going on within.

I miss the sharing and healing of what it feels to be gay and the uniqueness of the beautiful queer soul in each of us as well as the souls who are str8 or as yet intangible.

These are what make it real for me

:love:

[andrewlittle]

Lately I have been missing folks sharing their looking within. So much has been posted on outside issues and scripture.

I miss the spiritual intimacy of folks sharing conemplative introspective thoughts that are more reflective of what is going on within.

I miss the sharing and healing of what it feels to be gay and the uniqueness of the beautiful queer soul in each of us as well as the souls who are str8 or as yet intangible.

These are what make it real for me

:love:

I think one of the things that makes Soulforce so powerful for me is the balance that generally exists between the personal and the public. I have felt that it has become unbalanced of late, especially with so much in the public arena happening. Of course, that could just be me as I am even more unbalanced than usual (I'll let you decide what that means).

Things tend to cyclical, however, and I have no doubt that the pendulum will continue to swing and that we will move with it. One of the things that creates the swing is the call from within that urges us towards reflection - I am assuming that you, Scott, are voicing our call from within and issuing the invitation to refind balance.

I have missed your presence on the forums, Scott - not that I know you haven't been here, just that you have seemed to be more reticent lately. Get us started, Scotty, tell us, "How is it with you soul?"

[Daniel]

Lately I have been missing folks sharing their looking within. So much has been posted on outside issues and scripture.

I miss the spiritual intimacy of folks sharing conemplative introspective thoughts that are more reflective of what is going on within.

I miss the sharing and healing of what it feels to be gay and the uniqueness of the beautiful queer soul in each of us as well as the souls who are str8 or as yet intangible.

These are what make it real for me

:love:


Going within. Have been doing a fair amount of that each day. Intospection? Oh God yes! So much is happening in my life right now- and for those around me- that I find that there has to be moments during the day when I consciously take time to be quiet. And I don't just mean sitting still, but an actual cultivated- going within- quiet.

A thought comes to mind here: it's summer. The time when we- as human beings- may be the least introspective. Here we are rushing about to the beach- seeking pleasure and fun with each other- trying to pack in as much as we can. And we can even get fairly grabby about it, can't we? We want our piece of the pie now!

Such thoughts and actions are far far away from introspection, unless one happens to actually sit on that beach and look at the water and simply look.

What have I found myself doing lately that has been introsepctive? Reading Walt Whitman. The man lived and walked in the city that I live in over a hundred years ago. And his words ring true to me in this- our 21th century. There is so much of his experience- queer in the true sense of the word- that makes my heart sing. He saw things, people and events, as though they were surrounded with electricity, dynamic energy and light- light from within radiating outward.

That is the person I want to be more like. Aware like Walt. Feeling and seeing everything. Not letting the smallest thing go by. Savoring the moment, each moment as it comes. Facing each moment for the gift that it is.

I really do think it's the only way we can experience Love. Those outside of time are in Love. And if anything, I believe it to be a great gift to be here now.

Each moment is an opportunity. Best to take it.


Walt Whitman - We Two Boys Together Clinging.

WE two boys together clinging,
One the other never leaving,
Up and down the roads going—North and South excursions making,
Power enjoying—elbows stretching—fingers clutching,
Arm’d and fearless—eating, drinking, sleeping, loving,
No law less than ourselves owning—sailing, soldiering, thieving, threatening,
Misers, menials, priests alarming—air breathing, water drinking, on the turf or the
sea-beach
dancing,
Cities wrenching, ease scorning, statutes mocking, feebleness chasing,
Fulfilling our foray.

[Zerbie]

So Danny, what's all this stuff that's goin' on?

Scotty - I haven't been around to miss the forum being introspective -- I have missed the forum altogether.

Am swamped with outward stuff these days, and really hankering to get to the inside stuff.

What's up with you, Scotty? Where are ya these days?

I haven't got a heckuva lot of introspection to share right now, since for me, it's a major planning time - time to get plans set for a lot of big projects. Lots of work, networking, meetings, etc. For me, this is an outward phase.

I've got the winter months set aside for inside stuff.
:p

[keltic63]

I've got the winter months set aside for inside stuff.
:p

and perhaps that is the cycle that andy refers to. so much of what we do in the summer revolves around being outside, so it seems to make sense that we don't take as much time for introspection.


that said, I've been sitting in the sun a lot these hot summer afternoons, I nearly always have a book or a magazine in hand, and while I'm not necessarily dwelling on introspective thoughts, very often, what I'm reading will give me pause and force me to do some soul-searching.

as for now, I'm just a little stressed about Aug 9th......

[Zerbie]

and perhaps that is the cycle that andy refers to. so much of what we do in the summer revolves around being outside, so it seems to make sense that we don't take as much time for introspection.

:lol::lol::lol:
I'm hiding from the outdoors!! Now that I'm home, I'm hiding in the air conditioning!! (Glad I missed the week of 113F degrees, but got home in time for the monsoons - 104 degrees and 88% humidity, or something like that. Ick.)

Baring all, actually, my inclination is to go inward lately -- I was on an introspective haul this spring and early summer that felt interrupted by the whirlwind vacation we just back from. Now that we're back, I'm way behind on organizing some community events, so no choice there.

The winter months are being set aside for inner stuff because They're After The Election. :lol::p :rolleyes: Sigh. November may see me being tired. So Dec/Jan I hope to get some introspection time.
Crosses fingers.




that said, I've been sitting in the sun a lot these hot summer afternoons, I nearly always have a book or a magazine in hand, and while I'm not necessarily dwelling on introspective thoughts, very often, what I'm reading will give me pause and force me to do some soul-searching.

as for now, I'm just a little stressed about Aug 9th......

The Big Day approaches!!! :D:love:

You guys are going with the fancy wedding if I know you. I don't envy you the preparation work. There's a reason we just had 20 people hangin' out at a friend's house while we recited a few lines. It was EASY. :p

How are ya feelin'? Got the pre-wedding jitters yet?
About a week before our wedding, I had a SUPERMASSIVE panic attack.

[scott snedeker]

"How is it with you soul?"

while I'm not necessarily dwelling on introspective thoughts, very often, what I'm reading will give me pause and force me to do some soul-searching.

as for now, I'm just a little stressed about Aug 9th......

Got the pre-wedding jitters yet?
About a week before our wedding, I had a SUPERMASSIVE panic attack.



The odd thing right now is how focussing on the awareness of self has germinated awareness of other beings for me. I have shed my goat horns this summer and am trying on the saffron and red robes of Vipassana Buddhist traditional meditatation.

I've noticed strange sensations after 3 months of daily mindfullness medtations. One is that I had to stop my wellbtrin, as I began having thesame side effect at 1/4 of the dose that I hadwith an accidental duplication of my dosage years ago. I take this as a change in my brain physiology resulting from my daily mental exercise.


The forgiveness meditation is the most powerful foe me and has allowed me to release the attachments fear. guilt and worthlessness to previous experiences.

As a result, I need less sleep and rarely experience anxiety.
So forgiveness and loving-kindness are the foci of thought that lead to freedom of the heart spirit. What I find s that sexual expression is more effortless than ever.

Idon't feel as old these days ....I feel alve but a bit disconnected from what I used to cling to.

Daniel has also hinted at his big changes. once again an old identity gratefully urrenders to a nrw one. Death and rebirth. Seems to be going around!

thanks for listening

Scotty

[wmanion]

Thanks Scott for bringing this subject up. I seem to be so busy at times that I forget to look inside to see where I have been, where I am. and where I need to go. There has been so many changes in my life since I came out of the closet 13 years ago. I was really scared and at that time in my life, I was 40 and I thought it was to late for me to really be myself. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Before I came out, I was diagnosed as bi-polar with severe anxiety. I could not go outside and mow the lawn for the fear of someone watching me. I would have panic attacks in the grocery store and leave full carts of food and just walk out to get back home to my hiding place. Of course this just caused more problems because I was raising my three kids on my own and they needed food. So, I would attempt again after I settled down and many times I succeeded. Health problems continued to abound in my life, I became Diabetic, had high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I managed to go back to college and complete my Associates degree but when attempting to get my Bachelor's degree the anxiety attacks took over and many times I could not even get out of the car to go into the building for my classes. Basically, I hated myself.
It was this self-loathing that caused all the medical problems and once I accepted that God made me who I am, what I am, and that I am just as special as all creation that my heart, my soul, my body began to heal. I began to search God's love in a new way, an unconditional love way, and all those ailments vanished...well almost. I have not been on any medication for depression or bipolar disease for 8 years now. I only had to take diabetic medication for two years..I have been free from those meds now for five years. My blood pressure is under control and so is the high cholesterol but I still take meds for them. The big difference I see now is that when I look inside myself, I find I like myself, I have learned to love myself and understand that in order to love others, I have to love myself.
I am a gay man with three wonderful children, six wonderful grandchildren (with another on the way) and I have so much peace with my life for the first time in many, many years.
There are times that I still have my doubts about God loving me but I know he does. I know I want to continue to grow as an individual and I want to come to that place of total-self acceptance. I read a lot and I have learned a lot, but there is so much more to learn.
When I read about others who do not have this peace in them, I just want to pull out a dose of the peace from my heart and pass it over to them. I am far from perfect but at least now I can mow, I can shop, I can go places unashamed. I am who I am. For now, I look inside for answers on how I can convey to others that you cannot label God or put him in a box with stringent rules. God is powerful enough to reveal himself in so many ways...through nature, through Buddhism, through Islam. All we have to do is look and he is there.

Bill

[scott snedeker]

I glad to hear of your success, Bill:applause:

I see the integration of the spiritual with the intellect. A discipline of thought focus and thought hygeine germinating from a spiritual paradigm can be very powerful indeed.

We are beings who with direction of our intellect can change the physiologic state of the brain. Change from a fearful distraught emotional state to a peaceful state with love changes which areas of the brain are activated.

The fight or flight state activates the sympathetic autonomic system. This releases adrenaline and steroids so the body burns hotter and faster for short periods of time, sort of like an afterburner. Prolonged activation, however results in deterioration of the tissues of the body....burning too hot for too long. what's more the sympathetic nervous system suppresses the mending maintenance and repair by directing resources to fighting or fleeing.

The mending, growing, healing processes of the body are regulated by the parasympathetic nervous system. Whem the parasympathetic nervous system is activated we sleep, eat, become amorous and ahem! erect! :D

So connected the dots and we have prayer/meditation calms and activates the sympathetic nervous system which starts healing and repair. Like practicing piano the more one practices the better we get. And mental and physical health improves.

All from this magnificent integration made possible by awareness of our thoughts.

Keep focussing on the incredible being that you are, Bill. Anyone with this capablity of comprehension is favored by the divine essnce. No room for doubt there!

[Zerbie]

The odd thing right now is how focussing on the awareness of self has germinated awareness of other beings for me. I have shed my goat horns this summer and am trying on the saffron and red robes of Vipassana Buddhist traditional meditatation.

:p:p:love::love::love: Scotty. You are adorable.

I've noticed strange sensations after 3 months of daily mindfullness medtations. One is that I had to stop my wellbtrin, as I began having thesame side effect at 1/4 of the dose that I hadwith an accidental duplication of my dosage years ago. I take this as a change in my brain physiology resulting from my daily mental exercise.


The forgiveness meditation is the most powerful foe me and has allowed me to release the attachments fear. guilt and worthlessness to previous experiences.

As a result, I need less sleep and rarely experience anxiety.



Scotty
:eek::eek:
All this after only 3 months?!?! That's AMAZING!


Thanks Scott for bringing this subject up. I seem to be so busy at times that I forget to look inside to see where I have been, where I am. and where I need to go.
I am a gay man with three wonderful children, six wonderful grandchildren (with another on the way) and I have so much peace with my life for the first time in many, many years.
There are times that I still have my doubts about God loving me but I know he does. I know I want to continue to grow as an individual and I want to come to that place of total-self acceptance. I read a lot and I have learned a lot, but there is so much more to learn.
When I read about others who do not have this peace in them, I just want to pull out a dose of the peace from my heart and pass it over to them.
Bill

I hear ya Bill, especially on that last point. I fought against ill health in the past, too. I wish feelings of wellness could be transmitted, too.

What an incredible journey. It is so inspiring to see how far the spirit can travel towards freedom and health. Thanks for telling us about this, Bill. You've accomplished some extraordinary things.
:):award:

[Zerbie]

We are beings who with direction of our intellect can change the physiologic state of the brain. Change from a fearful distraught emotional state to a peaceful state with love changes which areas of the brain are activated.

The fight or flight state activates the sympathetic autonomic system. This releases adrenaline and steroids so the body burns hotter and faster for short periods of time, sort of like an afterburner. Prolonged activation, however results in deterioration of the tissues of the body....burning too hot for too long. what's more the sympathetic nervous system suppresses the mending maintenance and repair by directing resources to fighting or fleeing.

The mending, growing, healing processes of the body are regulated by the parasympathetic nervous system. Whem the parasympathetic nervous system is activated we sleep, eat, become amorous and ahem! erect! :D

So connected the dots and we have prayer/meditation calms and activates the sympathetic nervous system which starts healing and repair.

Can anything make the shifting and repairing faster?

[scott snedeker]

I believe You can by meditating frequnetly and purposefully under the teaching of a good guru. Jack Kornfield has meditations for walking, eating, driving. How do you get into Carngie Hall?

Practice, Practice, Practice!

[Zerbie]

Guess I'm going at max speed then.

[scott snedeker]

Guess I'm going at max speed then.

You are doing very well sweetheart! Just acknowledge what feelings are unpleasant, bow to them, and focus back on the present goings on. As soon as you notice your attention deviating from the moment, bring it back to your breathing, the beauty around you, the air on your skin, etc......

If there is a persistent feeling that returns over and over, then maybe a forgiveness meditation is timely:

For all of us who carry the burden of past pain from trespasses upon us from others, trespasses against ourselves, and trespasses we have inflicted upon others.......We have suffered enough. We are after all, one connected species and as faeries are particularly intenseley connected spiritually. (and Zerbie, you are definitely a faerie in female form)

There is a formal meditation practice that can help us cultivate the capacity to forgive. In this we ask for and extend forgiveness in three directions.

Forgiveness from others:

There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, have betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion.

Let yourself remember and visualize the ways you have hurt others. See the pain you have caused out of your own fear and confusion. Feel your own sorrow and regret. Sense that finally you can release this burden and ask for forgiveness. Take as much time as you need to picture each memory that still burdens your heart. And then as each person comes to mind, gently say: I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness.

Forgiveness for ourself:

Just as I have caused suffering to others, there are many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself. I have betrayed or abandoned myself many times in thought, word, or deed, knowingly and unknowingly.

Feel your own precious body and life. Let yourself see the ways you have hurt or harmed yourself. Picture them, remember them. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this and sense that you can release these burdens. Extend forgiveness for each act of harm, one by one. Repeat to yourself:

For the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I deserve forgiveness. I forgive myself, I forgive myself.

Forgiveness for those who have hurt or harmed you:

There are many ways I have been harmed by others, abused or abandoned, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word, or deed. Some of us have been hurt quite gravely.

We each have been betrayed. Let yourself picture and remember the many ways this is true. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this past and sense that you can release this burden of pain by extending forgiveness when your heart is ready. Now say to yourself:

I now remember the many ways others have hurt or harmed me, wounded me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger. I have carried this pain in my heart too long. I have suffered enough, no more suffering is expected or required of me.

To the extent that I am ready, I offer them forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.

Let yourself gently repeat these three directions for forgiveness until you feel a release in your heart. For some great pains you may not feel a release; instead, you may experience again the burden and the anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly. Be forgiving of yourself for not being ready to let go and move on. Forgiveness cannot be forced; it cannot be artificial.

Something I Derived From Jack Kornfield from His meditation: The Art of Forgiveness


Love you Zerbie, :love:

Ash

[Zerbie]

It's lovely, Scotty.
:)
You are doing very well sweetheart!

Thank you! :):D

For all of us who carry the burden of past pain from trespasses upon us from others, trespasses against ourselves, and trespasses we have inflicted upon others.......We have suffered enough. We are after all, one connected species and as faeries are particularly intenseley connected spiritually. (and Zerbie, you are definitely a faerie in female form)

:D:D:D:D:rainbow::rainbow: Scotty, Ash, when you talk like this, I feel seen and known.
:love:


Love you Zerbie, :love:

Ash
:love::love:

Thank you, Ash.

[wmanion]

There is a formal meditation practice that can help us cultivate the capacity to forgive. In this we ask for and extend forgiveness in three directions.

Forgiveness from others:

There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, have betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion.

Let yourself remember and visualize the ways you have hurt others. See the pain you have caused out of your own fear and confusion. Feel your own sorrow and regret. Sense that finally you can release this burden and ask for forgiveness. Take as much time as you need to picture each memory that still burdens your heart. And then as each person comes to mind, gently say: I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness.

Forgiveness for ourself:

Just as I have caused suffering to others, there are many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself. I have betrayed or abandoned myself many times in thought, word, or deed, knowingly and unknowingly.

Feel your own precious body and life. Let yourself see the ways you have hurt or harmed yourself. Picture them, remember them. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this and sense that you can release these burdens. Extend forgiveness for each act of harm, one by one. Repeat to yourself:

For the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I deserve forgiveness. I forgive myself, I forgive myself.

Forgiveness for those who have hurt or harmed you:

There are many ways I have been harmed by others, abused or abandoned, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word, or deed. Some of us have been hurt quite gravely.

We each have been betrayed. Let yourself picture and remember the many ways this is true. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this past and sense that you can release this burden of pain by extending forgiveness when your heart is ready. Now say to yourself:

I now remember the many ways others have hurt or harmed me, wounded me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger. I have carried this pain in my heart too long. I have suffered enough, no more suffering is expected or required of me.

To the extent that I am ready, I offer them forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.

Let yourself gently repeat these three directions for forgiveness until you feel a release in your heart. For some great pains you may not feel a release; instead, you may experience again the burden and the anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly. Be forgiving of yourself for not being ready to let go and move on. Forgiveness cannot be forced; it cannot be artificial.

Something I Derived From Jack Kornfield from His meditation: The Art of Forgiveness


Love you Zerbie, :love:

Ash

Wow Scott, this is something that I really want to try in my life. There is so much healing in forgiveness and it can affect everyone and the world around us. Sometimes I think the hardest part is forgiving ourselves. I know that in the past I would continually beat myself up mentally for hurting others or causing harm. I am hoping this will be a step forward for me. And Zerbie you have always been a blessing even when you didn't know it.

Bill

[Vanessa White]

Scotty:

I too, have missed your presence here, although, I have not been very "present" here lately. Ironically, that is not for lack of introspection, I have been finding that my introspective part of me has kind of been on overdrive lately. I have been exploring a great deal, within and a bit on my blog, on the concept of truth, full truth, living and standing in my own truth, and how that connects with gay identity, shame, self-loathing, internalized homophobia, all of it. I believe that this self-shaming annihilation that we do to ourselves is the reason that so many persons that I know within the gay community have so much difficulty fully being who they really are. We often feel compelled to mask it, or be who we think we are to be in some extreme form or another; or to hide who we really are around certain people. Or, to not use certain words to describe who we are or what we are about. I have come to such a permanent, quiet peace about these concepts in relation to myself, that I have been quite surprised at how much shame I still carried around. The fact is, that I love women, I have a full, contented love in my life, I am blessed by those around me, and I feel a full life purpose to educate others about living a full life and not selling themselves short.

I know, for myself, that I have not felt a great deal like that introspection was something to write on here, at least lately. It has been the whirlwind of summer, which seems to have of all in many directions, but I am glad, Scotty, that you have brought it back to us, because even though it was not happening here very often, seems like many of us needed it.......

:love::love::love::love:

[scott snedeker]

Sometimes I think the hardest part is forgiving ourselves. I know that in the past I would continually beat myself up mentally for hurting others or causing harm. I am hoping this will be a step forward for me. And Zerbie you have always been a blessing even when you didn't know it.

Bill

Lack of awareness of entitlement to joy and to exist creates difficulty that hinders forgiveness of self.

By existing and partaking of our entitlements we simply live. we could and often do view this as selfish because we know that we could sacrifice this entitlement for someone else. And when someone else's needs are perceived as more important than we are (because we have been taught that we are worthless deviants) our sacrifice seems to be their entitlement!!!!!

How often do Fundis and others claim that our sacrifice is their entitlement sanctioned by scripture?

When I increase my awareness of my own entitlement, I become worthy of forgiveness of my self.

By occupying space I am going to bump into other people just as they will bump into me. I forgive them and I forgive myself. By drinking water and bathing I use our planet's resources just as others do. I make love to those who activate passion within me just as others do. No one is entitled to my sacifice of space, water, or love.

What I do for others are gifts that i voluntarily bestow on others, from one magnificent being to the next. My awareness of these as entitlements makes forgiveness of myself effortless and firm.

Forgivenes of others is both safer and less frightening as I am lees likely to fall into the "they are entitled to my sacrfice" trap.

Anger at being trespassed uopn is awareness of my entitlement by its transgression. Awareness of the source of this feeling and entitlement to it is reassurance of debunking the lie that others are entitled to my sacrifice.

Humiliation is awareness of anger at myself and judgement of myself for allowing these trespasses to occur without objecting. Forgivrness of my self means letting go of self judgement for allowing this to happen. I can forgive myself because my awareness where these feelings come from is proof of the magnificent integration of thought and the emotiona/physiological state of my brain.

I am learning, and can bask in each illumination and grow self appreciation. No doubt such a being is ten times worthy of forgiveness. Such a being can forgive also the small minded lack of awareness of the trespassers and in doing so increase their awareness even if only a little.




I have not been very "present" here lately. Ironically, that is not for lack of introspection, I have been finding that my introspective part of me has kind of been on overdrive lately. I have been exploring a great deal, within and a bit on my blog, on the concept of truth, full truth, living and standing in my own truth, and how that connects with gay identity, shame, self-loathing, internalized homophobia, all of it. I believe that this self-shaming annihilation that we do to ourselves is the reason that so many persons that I know within the gay community have so much difficulty fully being who they really are. We often feel compelled to mask it, or be who we think we are to be in some extreme form or another; or to hide who we really are around certain people. Or, to not use certain words to describe who we are or what we are about. I have come to such a permanent, quiet peace about these concepts in relation to myself, that I have been quite surprised at how much shame I still carried around. The fact is, that I love women, I have a full, contented love in my life, I am blessed by those around me, and I feel a full life purpose to educate others about living a full life and not selling themselves short.

I know, for myself, that I have not felt a great deal like that introspection was something to write on here, at least lately. It has been the whirlwind of summer, which seems to have of all in many directions, but I am glad, Scotty, that you have brought it back to us, because even though it was not happening here very often, seems like many of us needed it.......

:love::love::love::love:


You are not the only one. I too have been very withdrawn into my own introspection for the las few months and I think that is part of the processs.

But sharing is part of the process too. The Buddhist calls it fellowship of like-minded bretheren--Daniel Help me! I forgot! what is the term?

Introspection reflection and sharing. A Buddhist tradition 2500+ years old.

[Daniel]

But sharing is part of the process too. The Buddhist calls it fellowship of like-minded bretheren--Daniel Help me! I forgot! what is the term?

Introspection reflection and sharing. A Buddhist tradition 2500+ years old.

Great post Ash! Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time to articulate your thoughts and perceptions.

I think the word you are trying to find is Sangha.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sangha


Sangha (Pali: sa?gha; Sanskrit: ??? sa?gha) is a word in Pali or Sanskrit that can be translated roughly as "association" or "assembly" "company" or "community" with common goal, vision or purpose. It is commonly used in several senses to refer to Buddhist or Jain groups. Traditionally, in Buddhism sangha almost always has one of two meanings: most commonly, sangha means the monastic sangha of ordained Buddhist monks or nuns. In a stricter sense, sangha can mean the assembly of all beings possessing some high degree of realization, referred to as the arya-sangha or noble sangha or assembly of seekers seeking what is real and true, as in "Satsang".

[scott snedeker]

Thanks! Daniel!

Sangha Because we can't do it alone!

[Alecto]

So, I'll start by noting that I'm at a pretty different place in my life than most folks here. The last year I've been on a "break" from school, cause they didn't like me sleeping through half my classes, and I wanted to take some time to get my stuff together (or to feel comfortable that my stuff was together). So I got a job, and that was it. For the last year it's been work work eat sleep work work, maybe socialize on a weekend, then work work eat sleep. Wasn't too long before the analogy of chrysalis came to mind: a stasis, comofortable and relatively safe, but after a bit the walls seem to be getting tighter and tighter around you.

So, I'm going back to school in the fall (quit my job for the summer to have time to be free and do stuff). And I feel like my whole life is starting again; the pause button is off.
Because I had the freedom this summer, I've also made it to three different Pride events (I'm not usually the touring type). And each city had a very different spin on it, but it was like....like they're all gay church. And while that's phrased lightly, I do mean it seriously. The Pride in my city, I got to go with some younger folks (by a year or two). And I got to show them some of what the city has to offer, introduce them to some of the good folks. I'm the youngest in my family, so it's always a little weird to play that kind of a role, but it's also really cool.

The second one I made it to was Toronto. There were a million people watching the parade, possibly more at the events afterward. If Pride is gay church, then Toronto was like making a hajj or visiting the Vatican or something. And it was there that I started making a deliberate effort to be more comfortable with myself.

I was later given the opportunity to strip, for tips, in Columbus. I have no moral disagreements, but it was terrifying. And that's how I knew I had to do it. I've yet to test the theory, but I figure if I can take clothes off in front of a bar full of people I don't know, I should have no problem going up to talk to boys while fully clothed.

And this past weekend was Rochester pride; the theme was "One Big Family", and that's how it felt. I went with the two ladies I used to share an apartment with, as well as their girlfriend and another girl they knew from Toronto. Again, a very different feel, but it was pretty awesome: that one I got to march in. One of my friends works with the youth group there, so we marched with them, and I was surprised by how protective I felt of these kids, and I was almost overwhelmed by how protective the adults were; forming a literal physical barrier between the protesters and them.

I was asked, recently, how I thought I grew over the past year. And I had to respond that I honestly didn't think I did, possibly for the first year of my life. I will definitely say that the most significant growths I think I've made have all happened within the past two or three months; I don't see vacations as worry-worry-hurry, no time for introspection. I see them, even when planning is necessary, as at least a break in the potential "rut" or monotany of the same old workweek. So my summer was definitely good for introspection, it's just I'm not always great at putting it into words (and I also haven't had much time between plans to do so).

[scott snedeker]

Thank you for sharing a very heart warming and inspirational youthful story of growing free!!! I just have chills going up and down my spine rreading your story and I am filled with hope this morning!

I'm glad you got the chance and the courage to do a strip tease! Your body is beautiful as is your soul! Now Every one can see both! There was a day that I could have done the same but I did not have the courage or freedom you had..

Oh! you have grown alright! Change is good! You have proven one thing. You are in control of your destiny. You have courage and therefore have the courage to love with your heart! Courage and heart are contagious. You will find that you activate courage and heart in others.

Your world has changed, and you did it!

Seize your destiny young man! It's waiting for you!

[Zerbie]

Dearest Scotty,

We are so blessed to have you among us! We love you so very much, our wonderful blossoming, radiating Scotty. Here inspiring everyone.
:love::love::love:

[scott snedeker]

Can't hold a candle to you Zerbie! Glad you are here too!:love::love::love: