Where's Andy?

[Daniel]

Andy my dear friend- we miss you!

Where have you been? You don't call....you don't write! What's a mother to do? Sit here in the dark? Oy!

Hope and pray that you and Jenna are well, and I look forward to when you come up for air and let us know how you are.

Much love to you both!

Daniel

:love::'(:love::'(:love:

[Zerbie]

And for that matter -- where is Jennifer5???

Folks - come back! :pray:

[Jennifer5]

I'm here... but no Andy:confused::(?

[Zerbie]

Oooh -- Jen's still here! :):)

How are ya, girl?

[u-dog]

I have his nibs other email address. I will email him and see whats up. failing that I also have his cell phone number. I will update you as I am able.

[Jennifer5]

Oooh -- Jen's still here! :):)

How are ya, girl?
:lol: Well, I'm kind of still here... I haven't left, but I haven't had time to really participate. The family spent last week in Hawaii and I still haven't finished my schoolwork for my sophomore year (we start junior year in October). I'm not sure if I'll ever have time off :(. But I'm determined to have this not happen again!!! :pray:

How have you been? What's been happening around here? Things look slow....

I have his nibs other email address. I will email him and see whats up. failing that I also have his cell phone number. I will update you as I am able.

Thank you:)
Keep us posted :love:

[tymejumper]

here Andy, Andy, Andy..........

[u-dog]

I got an email from Andy today. He says he has been "residing in his own rectum" Vintage Andrew! He says he thinks he is ready to come out of there and that he will be back with us soon. I will let him explain for himself what all of that means.

[tdogg]

I love you Andy! We're here for you when you come back. :love::love:

[andrewlittle]

First note - a bit of record keeping:
If you have my cell phone number, you can't reach me that way. Jenna now has the cell phone, and she is decidedly low-tech. She has it so she can make her phone calls for work while out of the office, but doesn't use the voicemail system because it aggravates her. We still use an answering machine at home because she hates to go through a system of retreiving messages. So, u-dog and Daniel, I will private message my home phone number - also to anyone else who asks for it. (I did check the messages on her phone last night - all 15 of them - and I thank you both for the ones that were caring messages you left.)

Now, as to where I have been. U-dog correctly reported I have been "residing in my rectum" but, just in case the euphemism was lost, that means I have had my head up my ass - a long way up my ass.

The long and the short of it is that when I am at my "neediest", I withdraw completely. I hide behind my brick wall, barely peeking out except for those times I absolutely have to interact with people.

This episode has been a long time coming. The last couple of years has been expremely stressful but has recently eased considerably, which I know to be a trigger for my wacky brain chemistry. My brain farts after the stress is over. I went into self-care mode about three months back, recognizing the conditions were ripe for a pretty major depressive episode. (After almost half a century of PTSD and chronic depression, I have learned to 'self-examine' my emotional condition.

During the last few months, however, my meds for various physical conditions have been changed at the insistence of my benefits plan through the PCUSA. Besides messing with my physiology, these changes also sent my brain into a downward spiral. The result has been a nasty episode of ocular rectitis - a condition (fictional) in which the ocular nerve and the rectal nerves become intertwined resulting in a really shitty outlook on life. It took ten years of trial and error to concoct the right cocktail of meds, but only a couple of weeks after changing them to turn me into a sesspool of self-doubt and self-loathing.

This, of course, really f'd up my ability to deal with rather normal church bullshit - so I have emoted, over-reacted and under-reacted at all the wrong times. It appears I may have added fuel to a tiny little church fire that may now engulf my ministry here in this little church. We will see how that works out over the next few weeks. Presbyterians are notoriously averse to emotion, and I have had plenty of emotions to feed the aversion.

I am also questioning my "call" to pulpit ministry. I have little to no intellectual stimulation, few opportunities for really delving into teaching and learning, and constant blocks to taking initiatives in advocacy and activism where it counts. These also have negative implications for my psyche, as I live to learn, teach and agitate. Being an "attitude with a brain" (my councelor's description), I wonder if I wouldn't be better suited to another kind of ministry.

So, that's where I've been - residing in my rectum. I am coming out, though. I am aware enough to know that living here stinks, and just now being able to start working on moving to where the air is a little fresher and view less obstructed.

Thank you for your thoughts and concern. I love you all.

[Zerbie]

OMG. Oh no, oh no! I was unaware that you have chronic PTSD. I know how messed up things can get when the body's physiology is. . . incorrectly supported (messed with). . . and how dangerous and cloudy the lockdown and downward spiral can be.

Is there any way you can nurture yourself through this episode into a radiant health BEFORE you make any final decisions about staying or leaving the job? (Sometimes, it requires leaving a bad situation before health can be regained, so I don't know if that suggestion is the 'right' one for you. I simply voice it out of the concern that you don't leave an appropriate situation which, once you are back in balance again, might be a fine fit.)

So what I'm asking is, is it true there is no opportunity for advocacy and "attitude" in your situation, or is that perception a result of new chemical interference with your normal perceptions? Is it Andy's intuition talking, or is it depression and stupid insurance companies talking?

And, as a side note regarding the mental health field and those responsible for funding research, $^@# %#*! *ssh*l*s @#*! when the &$*# are they going to figure out that they need viable treatments for PTSD and get the &#* moving on developing some?!?!!?

[Daniel]

Sounds like you have gone through a lot lately.

Thanks for telling us what is happening with you. Good to know that you are Ok. Yeah. I was worried.

Agree with Zerbie re the church situation: is it your intuition talking or the chemical imbalance at play?

And I was thinking something else. Is it possible that some good may come out of this church fire?

Fires, while seemingly descructive, make way for new growth.

[tymejumper]

I think a lot of great clergymen have gone through fire and come out stronger for it. After all, that is how a sword is made strongest, by tempering. Maybe it's a test of your faith, then again, it could be a call to change where you minister at.

I am more conserned with the PTSD. I hope you are getting some counciling for it. It is a difficult thing to overcome(I still sometimes suffer from panic attacks with mine)but it can be helped. A good Psycologist can give you tools to deal with it more effectively.

Please take good care of yourself and get plenty of rest, a tired mind is even worse to deal with. You have the best support group in us, hang in there!:love:

[BruceChris]

And I know that you're still active, as I've seen your postings at an other Forum- Sorry to hear about what happened to your wife.

Still, orthodox churches are always being supplanted by reformed churches, although it's sorry to see that the need for this keeps re-occuring. It's good to see you bouncing back, here and there.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[Jennifer5]

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through such hard times lately! I really hope that you can feel more like your normal-self again soon!

I don't know if it makes a difference just coming from me... but personally, I believe in you... I believe that you can do anything you want and you'll be great at it, no matter what form of ministry to feel called to! I believe that people can learn a lot from you and I believe that people will feel loved and encouraged by your words.

For what it's worth, we all love you :love::love::love:

[BruceChris]

And it is especially encouraging to see the Roman Catholic church becoming more and more Catholic, and less and less Roman.

And there are alternative Methodist organizations out there, somewhere. Affirmation seems to be the name that pops up.

God luck to you and your wife.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris