Relationship/Love Issues

[jsm00]

I've been having issues over something and I'm not quite sure how to resolve it.

It's sort of a long story; I hope I can condense it as much as possible.

About two years ago I accepted my lesbianism. During this time I confided in a friend of mine about the issues I was dealing with. During this time I developed feelings for her and came to love her. I approached her about going out, but never mentioned any feelings of love. I asked her out twice and both times she turned me down. She said something to the affect of she "considered me a friend" and she has a rule about not dating friends.

Since this time, I have kept quite about my true feelings. The whole asking her out has become the elephant in the room. She doesn't recognize it as a means of moving on. During a few fights we've had, she has used it as a means of hurting me. I feel as if she's playing with my head; it's nothing I can prove. I've approached her about it, but she's dismissed it saying I'm being "needy" or that I'm making it up in my head.

My question is how do I deal with this? I've distanced myself emotionally from her so I won't get hurt by her. I still love her though. I'm unsure if I should mention my feelings of love to her.

[tymejumper]

Maybe if you are fighting about it, she feels for you and is regreting her decision to not date a friend. The way I see it, it is already unbearable, so why not let her know you care for her and that you want to date her? The worse that can happen is the elephant will not be there any longer and you can let go and move on. You are already losing a friendship over it and have distanced yourself. Maybe you could gain a date if you approached her with it.

[Daniel]

My question is how do I deal with this? I've distanced myself emotionally from her so I won't get hurt by her. I still love her though. I'm unsure if I should mention my feelings of love to her.

You still love her. Yet you've 'distanced' yourself. Could it be possible that you haven't distanced anything? That you are still fixated on this person? A person who has given you clear and repeated messages that she isn't interested?

There is a saying that goes like this: What you think is the problem isn't the problem.

And I would venture that your 'problem' with your love interest is not the issue that needs addressing. That's why I suggest you talk to an able therapist. For the truth is, if you keep trying to get someone to love you, when it is abundantly clear that the aren't going to, you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

I've been down this road. I was taken with a guy for two years.

Unrequited love is hell. Better to love yourself - and figure out HOW you are not loving yourself. Figuring that out means withdrawing into yourself. Being quiet. Being calm. And stopping the grasping, grasping, grasping.

Keeping a journal might be a good thing to do right now- as in the Artist's Way. You'll start to see the ways in which your mind moves. And in becoming aware of this, you will be able to choose differently.