View Full Version : Identity Crisis-Calling All Bi's and Bifriendlies
09-25-2008, 03:08 PM
Given the disapproval of both mainstream religion and science of bisexuality in men I have alot of questions for myself and I am again encountering abundent amounts of confusion. Rather than ask the many questions I have in the forum I would really like to speak through private message. Please, PM me if you have gone through this type of thing before and have some helpful hints on how to get through it. It makes me feel immature to still be questioning myself at 25. I would really like to come to terms with this soon. It seems that while my business was made public by accident to my family, I still have not processed what it means for me and become comfortable with who I am. General support for male bisexuality on this thread would also be appreciated.
09-25-2008, 04:20 PM
Ya know what? Labels are supposed to be convenient, and if they aren't working for you, to heck with 'em. You don't need a name for 'what you are,' although bisexual works great for a name, if you feel that's the best description of that part of who you are.
Bisexuality itself confuses people. I don't know why it does. What is there to be confused about? People can be radiantly attractive, and some of us just are not oriented 100% to only members of one sex or the other. Like me. Never was. And because I don't fit a label very well, I revisit this confusion from time to time myself, because everyone else assumes that I will fit into a straight or gay category, and I fall over myself trying to figure out which category is the most representative answer. And I'm quite uncomfortable with the labels/categories. They really don't work for me. I know who I am. I'm me.:p Don't need any more specificity than that.
Most of the people I meet willing to publicly talk about being bisexual tend to be female. I don't know if that's because more women than men are open to saying so, or because more women than men have that experience. But there is at least one bisexual man on this board besides you, and that's Brian. I hope he will see this thread soon.
I'm sorry this is being a source of distress for you. Don't let it be. You're just you. Categories were meant to be conveniences, so if it's bothering you, just toss it out the window.
You know how you feel, right? That's enough. It really is. You don't need any more than that. I doubt it's yourself you're questioning so much as it's the label. And that's the part that is artificial, which is why it doesn't work for you. Because you are not artificial. And that's wonderful. :)
09-25-2008, 05:08 PM
And that means really gaaaaaay, so I may not be the best person to speak to the subject. (Zerbie is your gal however!) That said, I came out at the age of 28. Late by some standards, but who's counting? That's one of my points. Why the need to hurry? These things take time.
Second point. You probably have encountered the line of thinking that goes something like this: men who call themselves bi are really gay. But you know what? Only you -and you alone- can know how you feel.
What's my thesis here? To not let anyone- or you youself- rush matters- and that includes your family- the very please we want to please- often- at our own expense.
What may help you? Gathering information and contacts. And since you seem to be doing that already, I can only posit that your journey will grow lighter.
Last thought here: marry yourself before someone else.
09-25-2008, 08:32 PM
Zerbie is right, we females have a tendancy to talk about everything. Ok, I know this is a stereotype, but all the gay guys I know talk all about their feelings. I do know leathers also, so I figured that gay guys excepted Bisexuality easier than women do.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. It is not important to label yourself. I tend to call myself lesbian, I love my wife and would never stray. Am I 100% lesbian? God only knows. I have obviously been with men, I have 3 children. It has not all been unpleasant. I had to go to therapy at 35 for heavens sake to figure just exactly where I fit in.
10% of the populace is either 100% gay or 100% straight, guess what the other 80% is? that's right, BI. To one degree or another. Sexuality is really fluid and it tends to be more fluid when we are younger.
My son is questioning, and has stated he just does not know who he's attracted to at this time. He said he will probably date both and figure it out later, which is fine by me. I would rather he date where his heart lead than fit into just a label.
Go where your heart leads, the right one will understand and accept you for who you are.
09-27-2008, 02:14 PM
There's way too many people who want to tell you what you are or aren't instead of asking. "Science", by definition is a work in progress. Also, social sciences work with tendancies, not absolutes, so maybe male bisexuality isn't particularly common. Doesn't mean that it's impossible that you're among those exceptional folks. :)
I also identify as gay, rather than bi, but I'm aware that it's not 100%. Close enough to, but not quite. That said, I'm very aware of how rough things can be, among straight folks AND other queer people, for bisexuals (and transfolk too). PM if you'd like.
In a chapter entitled "Looking both ways: bisexuality and therapy" in Issues in therapy with lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender clients (edited by Charles Neal and Dominic Davies), Elizabeth Oxley and Claire A. Lucas refer to both the Kinsey model (see Daniel's post) and another continuum posited by M.W. Ross and J.P. Paul:
Ross and Paul propose an alternative to the Kinsey model. ... They place 'homosexuality and heterosexuality at one end of a continuum as gender-linked choices of sexual partner, and bisexuality at the other as non-gender specific.'
That gives a different perspective of where bisexuality falls in the scheme of sexual attraction, I think. Oxley and Lucas go on to say:
It has been interesting in writing this to realize that, as two women who identify as bisexual, we have very different views on how we come to define ourselves in this way, what it means to us, and our experience of bisexuality. For one of the authors, Sue George's definition (i.e. feeling a 'pull' towards both sexes) most closely approaches the reality; for the other, it is not about the choice of a partner of a particular sex, or about feeling a pull towards both sexes, but purely based on attraction to a particular individual who could be of either sex.
It seems there are as many different ways of 'doing' bisexual as there are of 'doing' gay, lesbian or straight. Sauu, give yourself the freedom to be whoever you are, and for that to change over time ... or not. None of these labels are meant to be prescriptive. They are supposed to be descriptive and to help us to understand each other.
09-27-2008, 07:22 PM
The main thing is don't let anyone put a label on you that isn't you. Living as a bisexual man you will get questioned from both sides. It's much easier to wear a gay or hetero label even though it's not honest (speaking for myself). Does your attraction to one gender or the other shift? That is what happens to me. Sometimes I'm very attracted to women. Other times it's mostly men. I have never been all the way to one end of the Kinsey scale or the other. It's always some percentage male attraction and some percentage female attraction. In the end you know what kind of person attracts you. I guess the main thing is to be as honest as you can with every one of your relationships.
BTW, I just got back from viewing a film called Bi the Way. It was a documentary that followed five people that were questioning whether or not they were bi'. The film presented many stereotypes but it also had some good information on how it feels to be bi'. It was an amusing movie but also thought-provoking.
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