Grieving....

[ctozrn]

I have resisted writing this post all day because I don't want to sound melodramatic or seem attention seeking. My gf and I broke up yesterday. It is painful in so many ways. The end of the relationship is hard but I am also looking hard at myself. I have issues that I am working on in therapy and we were also seeing that therapist together. It just didn't work out.

I am going to get real here with you all (since you don't know me!) The truth is this is my 4th gf that I have lived with in 9 years. I have always rushed into relationships very quickly. My current gf and I were only together for 4 months before we moved in together. I discovered too late that we were not compatiable. That has always been the case. I discover after the fact that there are deep issues and we are oil and water. There are always different reasons why that is. My longest relationship was for three years. I am starting to believe that I will never be happy or find someone to love. I am so embarassed to face my family and friends with another failed relationship. I have always been the one to end the relationships after realizing that we were not going to work. My current gf and I both realized that things were beyond repair together. We really did try. We are both exhausted from the constant fighting and I think it is a relief to us both. I want us to remain friends but she is not sure that is possible after a breakup. I think it is.

I haven't told my children. I have told very few friends. My family and children absolutely love her and I know they will blame me. I feel like such a failure. I want to sell my house and run away. I want to never get into another relationship again. I will miss her. She did so much for me and helped me with so many things. From help with the kids to anything and everything around the house. I will be lost without her but I know it is the right thing to do.

I know that I am not the person that has failed in each of these relationships. It has always been 50-50. I have had my part but I am not alone to blame. I think there were red flags from the begining. I ignored them. I knew that we were rushing into things too quickly. I just thought it was meant to be and we should go for it! She came on very strong, calling and texting me all the time in the begining of the relationship. I ignored this red flag and have increasingly felt smothered by her at times.

I guess I want to know if anyone else has had any of these issues. Any words of encouragement? I am feeling very low right now. At 38 years old I feel like a failure in relationships. I fear that I will die alone.

Christine

[Daniel]

I guess I want to know if anyone else has had any of these issues. Any words of encouragement? I am feeling very low right now. At 38 years old I feel like a failure in relationships. I fear that I will die alone.

((((((Christine!)))))))

:love::love::love::love::love:

My heart goes out to you! You are at a low point right now. Breaking up really is hard to do. And you may think you will never love or live again. And that's normal for where you are. It feels like a death. And there are five stages to dealing with death, right? So you can bet that you are gonna go through them. Know what? As much as you can, I would work at letting things just be. People are going to think what they think, and that has more to say about them than it does about you. You'll know who your real friends are.

You aren't a failure. You are human. You have needs and desires and perceptions and can't see around corners. At least not yet! ;) And you gave it your best shot. Can't do better than that.

What I hear you saying, however, is that you need to take things a bit slower in the future. That seems to have gotten you into trouble in the past. Ok. You can do that, can't you? Ok then! And you have a therapist, right? I would keep seeing that person and work on being in relationship to yourself. Finding out what triggers you to rush into relationship and how to work with it. Working on being compassionate with yourself. Giving to yourself first.

I've had the issues you've talked about: I've had three major relationships. And I'm 50. And I'm in therapy with my guy right now. Working on things. Working on life. You aren't alone in that. When the first two relationships failed I felt like a failure. It was hard. It was awful. I really did feel like I was dying and that my life was over. I was really hard on myself. Guess what? I don't think that helped me one bit.

It may be hard to keep your heart open right now. But Spring will come. What to do? You might do something like taking a deep breath and go for a walk. That kind of simple action can help one adjust- at least- in the short term. Get one out of one's own head. Keep doing it and it adds up to something. A great way to still the mind and find peace.

Small steps, not big ones. A little at a time until the lights go on again. And they will.

[BruceChris]

You can get support here.

Speaking of support, what support systems, in other words, friends, people that you can really talk too, that you know that you are NOT going to fall into a relationship with do you have out there? Talk to them, and if they are true friends, they will listen.

By 38, you must have heard stories of some (maybe most?) lesbians who somehow manage to fall in love almost before they meet. It seems to come with the territory. It's a human failing, and all of the lesbians I've ever met are very human.

Please do your best to get yourself sorted out, before socializing with anyone that you might fall for. In other words, if falling can be a trap most of the time, it is especially so when you're on the rebound.

Take your kids out to an amusement park, or someplace that they like, and try to have fun.

Advice? I'm terrible at it, but others will come after me. Use your support/friends. Take up a hobby, or volunteer work, or classes, maybe. If you can afford it, go shopping. Then come back, and tell us about it.

Edit: Can your therapist help you set up a time table, with speed limits, for proceeding with a possible relationship?

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[ctozrn]

Daniel and BruceChris,

Thank you so much for the words of support. They really have helped so much!

Daniel- Yes, I have so much awareness right now about taking it slower. I know it is what I must do. The problem is that I knew it last time too! :) As a matter of fact, the day I met this gf one of the things I said to her was, "I am taking a break from relationships right now, if you're still available a year from now maybe we can go out...." we used to laugh about it. Now I know that I wasn't being true to myself. Thank you for your kind words that made me feel normal and not damaged goods.

BruceChris- Yes, we lesbians have made quite a name for ourselves! I don't know why we jump into things so quickly but many of us do. I do have a few very close friends that I can talk to about this. I have done a little bit of this yesterday. I am supposed to go on my kids high school fall retreat this weekend. I will be surrounded by several good friends who are also youth leaders and 40 plus teenagers! That will be good spiritually for me as well as fun! I have several things I can do to stay busy. I just joined a new gym, have been helping with the Obama campaign, working some extra hours at our inpatient hospice facility. None of which I have done today. I have been on the couch or in bed, unable to eat all day. :(

I am hoping for a better tomorrow!

[Zerbie]

Oh, Christine, honey, I am so sorry!! :'(

(((((((( Christine )))))))))

Hugs, hugs, hugs.
:'(:love::love::love:

Daniel and Chris have posted kind words and good advice. I've almost nothing at all to add to it.

Just to keep learning from whatever mistakes were made, learn not to repeat them, but to work through them, and use the lessons learned from this to make the next relationship work that much better.

Can't tell ya how many folks I know who have found relationship bliss at 40, 50 and beyond after several break-ups, divorces, etc. -- because they learned a ton about who they are, and how to relate with a partner, well and about what kind of person is a good fit for them in intimate relationships. Because of that journey, now they are in blissland. So, if it's possible from where you are today (in a kind of sad valley, of sorts,) I'd like you to know that it's absolutely possible for you to fall in love again, to find a right partner, and to keep that love alive for good. It can happen. You won't spend the rest of your life alone Chris, I'm sure of it.

[Daniel]

I must be a lesbian because the relationships I have been in all started really quickly! So I'm not sure about this being a gal thing. I think it can be a guy thing too. ;) Mea Culpa! :lol:

Christine, I've had days when I couldn't get out of bed. And my own sense is that there are times when we need to go within before we can be in the world again. And that seems natural to me. May be a good thing too in some aspects. I think you called it right in your first post. It's grief. And grief has it's own life. It's own rules. And it's own timetable. You know this perhaps more than anyone seeing that you work in hospice, yes?

A thought here: what would you say to yourself if you were asked to intervene/take a look at your situation? I think you know yourself best, and can be a great aid to yourself. You are one smart gal.

[pnggrad79]

Christine,
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. :'( I know the profound heartache of a spouse or loved one leaving. I know the seemingly endless questions and fears that flood your mind to where you are exhaused by the whole situation.
But I can assure you, if you are capable of love, and I know that you are, love will find you again, and maybe this time it will be the forever love you so deserve. Take some time to love yourself and be kind to yourself. Being a hospice nurse, you know first hand pain and suffering, so let it be cathartic for you. Cry if you need to, all you want.
We love you here and will be here for you, but please don't get into the mode of thinking that you are beyond love and beyond relationships. That is simply not true. Take care of yourself. Love you!!!!:love:

[ctozrn]

Thank you for all your sweet responses! I will get thru this. I will learn and grow for sure. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes.

I have a busy day today so that will keep my mind off things. Hopefully that will help....

Christine

[Matt Algren]

I guess I want to know if anyone else has had any of these issues. Any words of encouragement? I am feeling very low right now. At 38 years old I feel like a failure in relationships. I fear that I will die alone.
Any time you're feeling down about that, just remember that there's a gay dude in Ohio who's still waiting on his first kiss at age 35. You're leagues ahead of that guy.

[Pablo Rafael]

Christine,

I wish I could do something to make you feel better. I guess all I can do at the moment is to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying that God will give you peace (and send the perfect gf your way.)

Pablo

[Zerbie]

Any time you're feeling down about that, just remember that there's a gay dude in Ohio who's still waiting on his first kiss at age 35. You're leagues ahead of that guy.

Oh! :eek:

Awww! :'(:'(
Forgive me: :p:lol::lol::lol::p

Matt - dude, you need to get out more! :agree:

[Matt Algren]

Matt - dude, you need to get out more! :agree:
Fixed it for you. :good:

[Zerbie]

Fixed it for you. :good:

:rofl::rofl:

The funnier part is, that's what I originally typed (by accident.) :o:p:lol:

[tymejumper]

Christine, I am SO sorry! That is horrible to have to break up with someone you thought you could make it work with. It's got to be worse with kids.

I wish I had some good advice here but I don't. When I first came out, I had a few Gfs that really didn't treat me nice. One wantd to be exclusive with me after 2 dates and I should have listened to my instinct. She was cheating within the week with a previous Gf she got drunk with! After getting kicked in the ass that time, I decided to go REALLY slow.

So slow in fact, I almost lost my wife in the process. She wanted to be exclusive after a few months and I was so gun shy, I refused on the basis of my last one. The next day I came to my sences and called her and told her yes I would be exclusive and explained why I was hesitant. However, almost 4 years later I find out she always had wondered if I had another Gf that had broken up with me so I decided to chose her! Not true of course, but she had a hard time trusting me at first because of that.

People like to say that lesbians bring a Uhaul to the second date!:lol::lol:lol:

I guess the best thing you can do now is take care of yourself and maybe try to see a councilor to find out why you keep falling for the wrong women. I honestly think part of it is that their are only so many lesbians in any one area, and the odds are not that good of finding a decent partner. Our odds are much smaller than heterosexuals. They have a hugh pool to chose from (90% of people)while we as gay persons, have a much smaller one.(10% of populace). She is out there though, you just hang on!:love:

[ctozrn]

You are all so awesome!! I have felt so loved and supported from a group of people that I have never met in person. I am thinking of printing out your posts so that I can see them when I am down.

Right now things are really hard. She is looking for places to move, we are dividing our stuff, I am spending the last of my days being a stay at home mom to our beagle that will leave with her. We are spending the nights living in two seperate rooms and saying very little. When we do speak there is much anger. Today is the one year anniversary of her dad's death and she is taking it very hard. I am trying to be supportive of her grief.

Last night I went for a walk in the park with some friends and to their house for dinner. I didn't get home until after she was in bed so that was good. Friday I leave for our church youth group's fall retreat in the mountains. I will be with about nine other adults and 40 teenagers! I think I will be busy enough to get a break from all of this!! :) I will also have some good spirituality time. We will have worship and communion on the lake Sunday morning. I am really looking forward to it.

Christine

[pnggrad79]

Christine,
Did I ever tell you that when my wife left (for the 3rd time) I really had to take a look at myself and what it was about me that kept her running out the door. I signed up for anger management classes and got on Zoloft, which has calmed me down a lot. She came back, thankfully, and we have had a better marriage this time, but relationships are hard and when two people get together, it takes a lot of patience and love to overcome the difficulties.
True love will come your way for one reason only. The reason is because you CAN love, and DO love. Love yourself and I think you are doing the right thing by going and doing things without ex gf. It shows her you are strong and can do this without her, even though you may not feel that way inside.
Enjoy yourself in the mountains and let God show you his love for you and teach you how to love better next time. You can't change ex gf or your relationship with her. But you can take stock in yourself and when you do, don't beat yourself up, but realize this is a learning process.
Much love to you!