View Full Version : Help! Any input is appreciated...
10-27-2008, 08:20 PM
Hey guys... I hope everyone is well.
I posted on here about a year ago because my parents had found out about my girlfriend and my sexuality. My entire family, close and extended, are traditionalist Christian. Long story short, it was a very rough time for me, my family and my relationship. I ended up moving out so I wouldn't have to see their pain every day. I was with my gf on and off for a year. I lived with her all this summer (which I kept a secret) until we ended things at the beginning of August. Basically, I made our relationship hell for her. I was cutting and was almost purposefully trying to be unhappy. Part of me feels that it was a toxic relationship. However, I will always have feelings for her either because I am meant to be with her (ever felt like you found your soulmate?) or because she was my first love, I don't know which. I have not had any communication with her until I sent her a message on facebook the other day asking how she was. We have been messaging back and forth since then.
I have recently had to move back home because of finances. I have also been dating a guy for about 2 months now. He's very nice and we get along really well. I'm sure I could eventually fall in love but it's missing that 'spark' that I felt with my girlfriend. Normal?
Second, she has invited me to her Halloween party. Half of me wants to see her, the other part does not. I've finally started to feel like I'm as over everything as I'm going to get. I don't know if I'm ready to see her mostly because I don't know what I would want the outcome to be.
The problem is that I don't know what it's supposed to feel like to be in a normal relationship where passion doesn't take over and make decisions for you. I really like my boyfriend and I don't want to risk losing that. I'm simply afraid of losing control of this situation.
I also feel like I don't know who I am... I'm only 20 but I'm not comfortable with not knowing myself.
I know this seems never-ending but I'm also talking to a girl that I met online. So far it's just chatting but we'll see where it goes. I'm just scared to start pursuing my desire to be with my ex or with a new girlfriend because of my family. Since I'm living at home, I would also have to lie about who I'm seeing. Been there, done that and I hate living like that.
I know this is a complicated situation but any advice at all other than the predictable, "screw them and be true to yourself" bit. It only makes me feel worse.
Thanks for your support,
10-27-2008, 08:45 PM
Oh gee, this is pretty big stuff.
While it's okay to not be sure of ourselves at times, I can understand why you'd be very ill at ease in this situation. You sound conflicted: one part of you wants one thing, another part wants something else. Have I got it right?
The best thing I can think of to suggest is that you avoid putting yourself into any situations you feel unprepared for, whether that means not maintaining contact with your ex until you decide whether you want to make a play for getting back together, or if you are content to keep that in the past and just be casual friends. But if you don't know, you're right, you won't know how to act, and you'll probably wind up feeling more 'lost.'
It's actually good to explore dating different people, especially when we're young. But if you don't feel any 'spark' of attraction for your boyfriend, then it sounds like maybe he is someone you would rather have for a friend than as a romantic prospect? Or have I misunderstood you there?
I wish I knew better what to say. :o
But all that comes to mind is:
It would be best to take everything slowly until you feel clearer about what you feel and what you want. Avoid making big decisions when you feel this way. You won't feel like this forever.
What you're describing, not being sure what you feel or what it means, sounds a lot like me when I was 20. It didn't last forever. I became someone very sure of what I felt and what I wanted. So give yourself some time to sort it all out, and don't make any big impact decisions (such as coming out, or moving away, or getting married, anything major like that) until you are sure about how you feel.
10-27-2008, 09:01 PM
I really don't know what to say, because I don't know what I would do in this situation....
I suppose I would ask myself, "would I regret not going to the party?" or "could this possibly mess up my relationship with my boyfriend?"
What are the advantages and disadvatages if you do or don't go?
10-27-2008, 09:56 PM
One definition that I have heard of adolescence, is that it is a time in your life when you don't have your act together. With your sexuality, your family, and your recent life history, I'm sure that there is still some of that left in your life.
The problem is that I don't know what it's supposed to feel like to be in a normal relationship where passion doesn't take over and make decisions for you. For someone in a normal relation, sometimes having passion take over is normal. You just have to be careful.
What is the worst thing that could happen to you if you DO go? And if you don't?
To quote a line from "Desert Hearts", a classic lesbian love story: The married woman who has come to Reno, for a quickie divorce, says to the woman she is about to have a mad fling with, about her former love, "Our love seems to have drowned in still waters" Sounds like your BF?
I think what you need are some Support Systems, in other words, friends, who can respond to you as a simple child of God, and not as a "sexuality".
I hope that you can find them. Truly I do. Is there a PFLAG anywhere near you?
Concerned, Bruce Chris
10-27-2008, 11:57 PM
I'm wondering what was it that made you feel like cutting? Did you feel that you didn't deserve your girlfriend? Were you angry at your parents, yourself? Cutting is not usually a sign of true love. It's a sign of desperation. Is there any way you can see a professional counselor? They could help you work through your feelings. I'll be praying for you that you will get the answers you need.
10-28-2008, 01:45 PM
So, I decided I'm not going to the party. It's not the right situation for me to see her for the first time in months. There will be alcohol and that usually never ends well for me. I also don't know her intentions and it would be uncomfortable for me to know how to act.
zerbie: Yes, I do want two different things. I want to pursue my own desires because I feel that when I was with a woman, I was happier despite everything going on. However, I don't know if I was only happy with that particular woman or if I am just a straight out lesbian. I have not been in enough relationships to know myself and my emotions. On the other hand, I want my family to be happy with me and maintain a normal relationship with them. I love being able to talk to my mom about my BF and any problems I might be having. I want to live a 'normal' life. And as far as my BF goes, I feel really good when I'm with him and I know that I'm physically attracted to him. It's the in-between times that I start all of this doubting and feeling more inclined to my ex or this new girl I'm talking to. And I'm already out it's just a matter of picking at an old wound with my family to start seeing a girl again.
BruceChris: What is a PFLAG and how can I find out if there is one near me?
BrianB: You're exactly right... cutting was out of desperation. I wasn't in control of anything except what I could do to myself. And it made me feel better because I could get all my emotions out with pain and crying. It was everything else you mentioned as well. My gf was so good to me and I was really mostly using the cutting to spoil things so she would leave me and I could go back to my family. Unfortunately, I believe that we really loved each other and that I didn't trust her enough to always be there. I was just really afraid that I was going to lose everyone in my life so I decided to take control and just push everyone away. Fine mess.
10-28-2008, 03:11 PM
I too suffered the emotional pain and self loathing for years. My suggestion is find a formal guide, a professional therapist. Whom should you choose?
A cupla suggestions:
Young and progressive because It is often someone starting out who has their mission burning who have the most energy. A Gay Therapist will know what you are experiencing. "The best therapist is one who has recently overcome the same ordeal" Said My Heart-brother Adrain.
Older therapsits can be partially or totally burned out. I am a physician with 17 years practice experience. I am burned out. My professionally applied compassion is gone. Now I am the "house doc" in a hospital so I deliver brief episodic care, but don't form relationships with patients. I was considered one of the most compassionate physicians in my youth.
Find a formal discipline of thought hygiene that is beneficial to you. Most forms of mainstream Christianity are saturated with homophobia and are usually psychologically abusive to gays. Try the MCC or look into Buddhism which is particularly affirming to Gays (Except a minority of Tibetan Buddhism called the Galupa sect) Neither of these are incompatible with belief in Christ as it turns out. In fact they are more Christ-like in teaching than most of mainstream Christianity. Even within mainstrean Christianity there are sanctuaries affirming to gays but these are not easy to find much of the time, especially in small towns.
Form a support group of people with whom you can be your self, especially your sexuality. You have the gift of capacity for intimacy with women and possibly men. This capacity is truly a gift and deserving of exploration for the joys and sorrows that is your life experience.
Robert Heinlein's I will fear no evil is great science fiction reading about the affirmation of all human sexuality! He leaves nothing unaffirmed! Pick up a copy at a bookstore.
The point is You are using your conscious effort to convince your Precious Gay Heart that it is lovable and safe and cherished.
10-28-2008, 05:18 PM
PFLAG is Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays. It is very Googleable, but unfortunately is usually only found in larger cities. (Most of what you have written suggests that you do not live in one. Maybe there's one thatyou can get to, or go away to college at?)
A LOT of usefull resources for you are much more available in a large city. Like a multi-faceted gay community. (This would probably be your best asset.) Or the right counseling.
Unitarian or United Church of Christ churches are often gay friendly. Ask any church that looks good, just call them on the phone, you don't have to give your name.
A friend of mine, a lesbian UCC minister runs a website to help you find friendly churches:
Now that I look at the site again, there is a LOT of good stuff there. Or here.
Just enter your state, and scroll down the list. Where do you live?
You might consider not having any kids until you get yourself sorted out. It makes seperation SO much easier.
Good luck, and come back and talk to us any time.
Peace and Love, Bruce Chris
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