dealing with intolerant people

[FoxInSox]

I tend to elaborate more than necessary, so I'll try to condense this as much as possible.

I recently experienced something very similar to a church split. I am part of an organization that began almost 20 years ago in a conservative evanglical non-denominational bible church. This organization was founded by and led by a woman, which is, in itself, unusual for this type of church in this part of the world (Dallas). A couple years ago, the church's pastor retired, and a new pastor came. He didn't care for the organization (not really sure why, that was before my time), and the organization became it's own non-profit. The organization remained pretty much intact during the transition, though some (many?) left the church.

During the this last summer, the founder of the organization came out. There's been huge drama, some of which really didn't relate to me, but I knew about because I was doing volunteer work at the office. The founder had also become very dear to me, and I consider her a friend and mentor. I'm pretty intuitive....and...just figured some things out...

Now, this organization leads personal development workshops founded on the principals that "everyone is welcome at the table" and "mercy for all" and an understanding of God so DIFFERENT and grace-based from what I had ever encountered in my life. A big part of it is also learning how to do relationships in an authentic, vulnerable, trustworthy way.

During my journey through the workshop, one of the members of my group spoke openly about being lesbian. I thought the room might explode or something, what with all those conservative evangelicals and someone who was GLBT. They quite surprised me. There was this openness and acceptance of her that I'd never before seen from church people.

So...back to the founder coming out. She came out...there was lots of drama...there was lots of grief from both sides...some people were abusive....many people left/resigned in a considerate way....and now pretty much everyone is still somewhere in the grief process.

So...I'm really mad. I'd like to be all high and mighty and say I'm just angry at the people who were abusive, but I'm not. I'm mad at the people who left, the people I'm viewing as intolerant, which is probably judgemental and me going to that "better-than" place. I also feel somewhat unsafe; this situation sets off my personal abandonment issues.

I just don't know how to navigate some of these relationships now. I stayed....they left...I'm not exactly sure who was abusive, but there are rumors, you know?

Relationships with peers are pretty easy to figure out...but I also have all these "surrogate mom" and mentoring type relationships with people who left. And...well...I guess I don't want to be mentored or nurtured by someone who can't tolerate GLBT people. I don't want to blow them off, either...that isn't kind....My founding friend encourages me to maintain relationships, be kind, but I don't really want to...I want to cut people off and say, "SEE?!?! That feels pretty shitty, doesn't it?"

Surely you guys have dealt with this? How to navigate this? At my core, I want to be kind, I want to emulate Dr. King, but...what does that look like?

Thanks,
Michelle

[Petrese]

I have found that only exposure and time will work it out. Some of the people who you think will be the most accepting will be the worst and some who you think aren't going to swallow it may suprise you. The ones who aggrivate me the most are the ones who try to appear all accepting right off the bat but you soon find out they aren't. I've come to the point where I don't try to educate anymore. If I say nothing about it then it is much harder for people to make an issue of it.

And after awhile thewy see me dealing with the same things in life, same interests, same kinds of problems and joys, they see similarities between them and I and subconciously realize that I'm a human being like them rather than just see the GLBT. So time my friend, patience but don't give the upper hand either, I mean be understanding but don't allow people to walk over you. Some people won't change, but a lot more will.

[Zerbie]

Talk to the mentors who left. Tell them you are uncomfortable and why.
But first I think you should be fairly well decided if you are going to continue mentoring with them or not. Be ready to explain, gently and clearly, your reasons.

[CaptainSnoopy]

I have found that only exposure and time will work it out. Some of the people who you think will be the most accepting will be the worst and some who you think aren't going to swallow it may suprise you.

Nail on the head. Look, I became a Christian in 1985 through the A of G. By the time 1986 rolled around, I knew gay=sin and hell. I went on to Bible College and then something happened. My love of theatre turned into an interest in Rocky Horror. Which led to hay friends....who I thought were all going to hell which really sucked cuz they were swell peeps to hang out with.

Then I quit the ministry. Then I do more theatre with more time on my hands and make more gay friends. Only now I am older...I have a daughter. Some of them have kids. Common bonds...friendships deepen. Now what..I mean the Bible said right?

Then comes (for me) one punk under God on Sundance. Aw hell! Now it is all screwed up! Go to his website and meet gay Christians and gay pastors and Lesbians with similar geek tastes as I do and we joke around and share prayer requests.

It took time. It was the warmth of people I knew in the GLBT community. Some of the protests I have seen over the years look about as ugly as the Op Rescue protests and others. Peaceful usually has a few dummies with big mouths insulting others. (this is NOT a reflection on Soulforce. I have seen good prgs run respectful protests. I am referring to other demonstrations I have seen).

Look, end of the day, no protest or demonstration ever changed my mind or my heart. It was the relationships I forged with people in the GLBT community who loved me and were kind even though my discomfort was likely pretty evident.

[Daniel]

That's a phrase that stood out.

And what occurs to me to say is that seeing the situation for what it is and seeing your own psycho-dynamic isn't the same thing. I think the trouble comes when we confuse what is what.

How to get clear about these things? How to know what to do, and who to talk to and how to be?

You note that you are intuitive about certain things. How about listening to that intuition? What does it tell you to do?

[Libre]

I just posted a comment in a thread about a teen who confronted his pastor on homosexuality. Had I seen this thread first, it would have been more appropriate to reply here.

But briefly, I am active in some Christian forums. One in particular is totally intolerant of gays. I've very nearly been banned a couple of times, and because of my stand my credibility with all there is pretty much zero.

I do believe that it takes revelation from God to change the mind of a fundamentalist. And even then, not many will listen to the Spirit's promptings.

When I break off a debate, they accuse me of baiting and running. But I deplore the divisiveness of the issue, and also desire to live to fight another day, lol.

Bless you all. You are so very much wiser than I am in this.

[scott snedeker]

What I can suggest is focus on growing compassion for yourself. Dig deep into how this affects you. Bring it to its greatest climax. Then when you are about to fly apart from the whole mess of it you hear a knock at the door.

You see standing there, Mother Theresa. She puts her hand on you. She asks for your clothing and puts it on. She assumes your shape, and you become invisible. Then you watch as she goes in your place and talks to all invovled. Listen carefully to what she says.

Then she returns to you. Gives you your body and your clothes back. She whispers in your ear: "All you need do is think of me and let me in your heart whenever you need me."

Then she reaches under her robe and hands you a strand of beads...except each bead is a bleeding heart with delicate petals

"Remember." she says

Now where does Mother Theresa reside? Very interesting Don't you think?

BTW This is my adaptation of a Buddhist Meditation. Love and compassion have many faces, but only one truth.

[Here2Learn22]

We should also think about how to deal with so called "tolerant" people. In my opinion, "tolerance" is worth next to nothing. It's a condescending term. It would be the same thing for me to say, "Well I'll tolerate your skin color even though I don't agree with it..." I think the AIDS epidemic is a perfect example of the limitations of tolerance. When the shit hits the fan (pardon my language), you find out exactly how much tolerance is worth: absolutely nothing.