Mixed-Orientation Marriage - Statistics

[baumgrenze]

I've searched on Google several times in an attempt to get some statistics on the long-term divorce rate for mixed-orientation marriages. I'll be upfront. I am deeply troubled by Focus on the Family and their "Love Won Out" program and how it implicitly endorses a "one man - one woman" marriage between two people one of whom is not attracted to the other sexually at a fundamental level. Part of my discomfort can be understood as a result of this interview transcript, created when Jim Wallis was touring with "God's Politics" in 2005. You can 'cut to the chase' by searching for "focus" and then scrolling up enough lines to put what you find into context.

[/URL][url]http://www.powells.com/authors/wallis.html (http://www.powells.com/authors/wallis.html)

Has anyone seen reliable statistics on the long-term success of such marriages? I trust we have all read "Stranger at the Gate." I have two male friends who have had this experience. The older one remains married in what he calls a 'loveless marriage.' He's basically afraid of the fallout of a divorce this late in life. The second entered into marriage after being declared ex-gay by Love in Action. His fiancée knew he was gay. They both believed that he was 'cured.' After 15 years and two still quite young children the marriage ended in an painful divorce. In a recent YouTube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYfSL84ft9U

Bob tells how he knows of only one graduate in 50 from his Love in Action class is still married. Are his statistics typical?

Quite simply put, I think it is time to confront those who promote ex-gay driven mixed-orientation marriage and/or those who counsel couples contemplating a mixed-orientation marriage to go ahead, that it will all work out with time. I believe that we need to help these counselors see the pain and suffering that these family members eventually experience and to acknowledge that through their advice they are at least partially responsible, that they have done harm to 'the least of these...'

Help me to understand. Is my approach too confrontational? Has it 'all been done before' and I just have not found the record? To me, acknowledging this seems a much more honest way to 'focus on the family.'

Thanks,

baumgrenze

[tdogg]

Check out "Truth Won Out" which is an organization addressing the issues of the ex-gay movement. I don't know the exact website address but I'm sure some of the others here on the forums probably do. Truth Won Out may even have some statistics for you.

[u-dog]

Hi Baumgrenze,

My wife "Polly" and I are in a mixed orientation marriage (25 years). Polly is bi-sexual and I came out to her as "liking guys" before we married and finally admitted to myself and to her that I am gay about 3-4 years ago. We are out to our college age kids, our sibs, and closest friends. We have never been involved with an ex-gay ideology and oppose that whole crock as vigorously as anyone here. We have decided that while not EVERY part of our relationship is as satisfying as we would like, that there are aspects of our relationship that are not reproducible and too important to give up. Life is about choices. We will be renewing our marriage vows in May.

There are a number of sources for information about MOMs that are not associated with ex-gay ideology.

1. Joe Kort, a gay psycho-therapist in Chicago, has done a lot of work with mixed couples and may have some data on his website (www.joekort.org ?) google him if that doesn't work.

2. Amity Pierce Buxton wrote the book "The Other Side of the Closet" about the experience of finding out that your husband is gay. She is active with that community as well as with the Mixed orientation marriage community.

3. The Straight Spouse network can be helpful but many of the people involved are still really angry about the deception they experienced from their spouses and so their perspective on any positive aspects of mixed orientation can be a little skewed by that. However, Amity is involved with them and isn't AT ALL like that.

4. There is a Yahoo group called "HUGs" which you have to be IN a MOM to join and you have to join AS a couple. Amity is involved with that group also and might be able to get you access to members of the group. Polly and I belong to it but have not been active in the last year or so.

The statistic that I have heard (and remember) is that 15% of MOMs are still intact 5 years post disclosure. Some of these relationships remain exclusive sexually (Polly and I are in this group) Some become open marriages, others seek out a "closed loop relationship" for TGO (the gay one). Some couples in the HUGs group have made contact in Real life and the husbands are having a sexual relationship.

Based on my own subjective experience it is my conviction that a successful MOM is NOT POSSIBLE if the sexuality and personhood of both parties are not acknowledged and honored fully. It would not surprise me at all if the "1 in 50" statistic were true with regard to mixed orientation marriages where the sexual identity and orientation of one or both spouses is repressed, denigrated, or declared "sinful".

U-dog