Is it Possible?

[ctozrn]

Many of you know that I recently went through a breakup in Oct. I won't go into all the details here. My friends have rallied around me and I have felt much support from them and people here in the forums.

I made a decision to take a year off from dating to heal, grow, see my therapist and basically make some changes that I have needed to make for awhile now. I am excited about it and have really enjoyed being single. I have really come to cherish my alone time and time with friends.

This is where things get sticky. I have a friend that I will call K. She went through a bad breakup about 2 years ago and although we have known each other through friends we have just recently started getting close. I discovered that I have a crush on K. I wasn't sure what to do about it but just ignore it for now and go about with my plan. We talk, text, and email just about everyday. I was not going to share my feelings with her until her feelings for me came out the other night! I was amazed to say the least. I thought it was just me. She very much wants me to take this year off from dating as she has found that it helped her so much. Neither one of us are ready for a relationship right now. We have decided that we will work on a friendship this year. Knowing the feelings that we have for each other. We decided to just enjoy our gift of friendship, get to know each other and see where we both are in a year. The thing is, this woman is everything I have ever wanted in a woman and partner. I cherish her friendship and the possibility of something more in the future.

My question is this...has anyone had a situation like this? Is it possible to have a friendship knowing you are attracted in many ways to this person and they to you? I think if we both set clear boundaries and are on the same page, which we have been, that this could work. I really feel at peace with the whole thing. I don't feel obsessed by the situation. Right now I am just letting things be. I am not obsessing on calling, texting, emailing her. I am really able to just be her friend right now. I have had some thoughts today about kissing her but I think I can control those thoughts! :p I truly don't want a relationship now and she says that she doesn't either. Is friendship and then more later possible? It really feels right, healthy, and different for me. To be good friends now and possibly more later....wow! What a concept!

Has anyone out there ever done this?

I would love to hear any feedback on this!

Christine

[Daniel]

Reminds me of an old standard by Harold Arlen: Let's take the long way home.

You like your girlfriend. And she likes you. You both want to take it slow. Sounds good to me. No need to rush a good thing.


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[BruceChris]

And the rules that you think will work, often don't. For me, it seems like taking it slow is usually followed by rushing in, and then rushing in is followed by some form of regret. Do you have a mutual friend, or maybe two, that you could take along on casual get togethers, so that you know that they will stay casual?

With women, even a slow friendship could be sneaking in a U-Haul, and you won't see it until it hits you.

Or better yet, let's wait a couple of days, and have some of the women check in with their answers.

Bruce Chris

[Daniel]

Or better yet, let's wait a couple of days, and have some of the women check in with their answers.


Reminds me of the adage said about gay men which wryly notes that they often sleep together and then decide if they like each other and want to be friends.

But I wouldn't know anything about that. ;)

Women do things differently, don't they? Sort of. Right? Ok....I'm going Mar-sy now.

Bring on Venus!

[ctozrn]

You all are so funny! Thanks for the replies...they made me laugh! I loved the video Daniel!

I agree with BruceChris, we women do start out saying slow and then STILL bringing that damn U-haul! I think what is important with us is that we both respect the fact that I need that year off. She really wants me to have that. We are friends at this point, nothing more. We have just removed the white elephant from the room and that feels good! It was a relief! It is a good idea for us to stick to doing things with a group or other friends which is what we have been doing and I think that is what we will have to do to keep this slow during this year!

And yes Daniel, you gay men don't bring the U-haul on the second date, but y'all aren't so innocent either! We need to come up with something funny to say about the men....we always get it about that damn moving van! :)

I do look forward to the womens point of view, suggestions tomorrow....but still also love the wisdom of the men too! Thanks guys!

Christine

[labguy22]

As a recovering meth addict both NA, AA and my sponsor "suggested" no relationships in early recovery. Love doesn't always listen to suggestions :lol:
Try as I might, I was falling for a man I had hooked up with as a trick, and he for me. You may wonder what this has to do with a breakup, but when I quite using, I was going through the worse breakup of my life.
We took it slow and were both extremely cautious. He was the first to say "boyfriend", whereas I was the first to say "I love you". We both established boundaries and whenever we decided to cross those boundaries we would have long discussions making very clear our intentions. It was and is like walking on eggshells sometimes; we are so aware of the other persons feelings, we will go around a block or two, just take make sure we both agree on the direction we want to go.
I agree with the others about taking time to enjoy the ride. But don't deny yourselves the possibility of a relationship just because 365 days have not yet passed.

[pnggrad79]

Hey Chris,
I know the hell you have been thru with your ex and this new crush may seem like a breath of fresh air. However, I would be careful if I were you about jumping from the frying pan into the fire so to speak. I agree, take it easy, date around and encourage her to do so as well. If after a period of time, you still want to be together then give it a go, but you need time to heal and reevaluate.
Take it slow and just enjoy her company and enjoy your friends. I know you know all this, but given the grueling profession you are in, you need some down time. By grueling I mean, it is a tough thing to be in a profession that ministers to the dying. You may have developed a clinical, objective view of it now, but it still remains a hard thing to deal with, nonetheless.
We love you here and want the best for you. Be good to yourself.

[Daniel]

By grueling I mean, it is a tough thing to be in a profession that ministers to the dying. You may have developed a clinical, objective view of it now, but it still remains a hard thing to deal with, nonetheless.

The five stages of death?

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Rubler-Ross wrote about these in her book On Death and Dying. I still have it on the shelf. And remember that it affected me deeply when I read it years ago. Recently, a therapist pointed out to me how it also applied to the end of a relationship, no matter the circumstance.

Duh. I thought. Why didn't I think of that? So obvious. So true. And so what we don't want to face! :lol:

Methinks that we can fall in love simply to avoid dealing with the pain of processing an relationship that has been lost. We look for any way out of the room of our pain.

That's not to say that is is what is happening here you understand. But I think it is good food for thought. And that may be the wisdom behind a period of waiting.

A pause, a period of refection before forging ahead.

That said, I have known of several couples that have met, fell in love, and made a life together shortly after the death a partner. However, the grief and pain wasn't short-changed- they still went through that. And the new partner was able to be there for his love. Not your usual.

Not all stories are the same, are they? But the commonality may be the compassion that we are able to give ourselves as well as others.

[keltic63]

The five stages of death?

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.



do you mean "Grief" ?

[ctozrn]

I totally agree with the thoughts here tonight. I am POSITIVE that I do not want a relationship now and so is she. We are friends that have admitted our attraction. I really want this time to heal for myself and she has stated that she wants that for me as well. Feelings are feelings though and it has been hard! We are continuing our friendship, getting to know one another, being honest about how we feel. We have both said that we are not ready for a relationship. I am very clear about that. It is difficult on these cold lonley nights though....

I will not jeapordize the possibility for something good in the future by rushing into something now. I have much healing to do! There is no rush. I just wanted to see if anyone has ever had to put off having a relationship and had it work out later?

Thanks guys!

[Daniel]

do you mean "Grief" ?

Don't mean grief, though that is part of things. I know I have felt that. Kubler-Ross identified the stages above, which, as I understand it, are underlying grief, which is dealing with impending loss, rather than the aftermath of loss.

[christa08]

I am here to deliver my female perspective :p

I met my husband when I was 16 years old working at a Sonic Drive-In :p We were acquaintances for a year but he was very quiet...we just had a lot of mutual friends. Then, we had a psychology class together and because of the alphabetical seating I sat right in front of him so I turned around when I was bored to talk to him a lot. We became much better friends after that and working together. We were friends for another year before we finally starting flirting and all of that. Like you, I was almost afraid to get involved because I loved our friendship so much. But I couldn't help myself...I liked him a lot. We started dating when I was nearly 18. For the next 2 years I moved around a little bit with my parents and ended up in Colorado Springs with my dad in December of 2006. I am living proof that long distance relationships *can* work with the right people and the right attitude. :)

In March 2007, we met halfway in New Mexico for a weekend getaway. That weekend, he proposed :love: That August, we got married and it's been the best year and 4 months of my life (I turned 22 in November). The best part? We're still best friends and we goof off a lot.

So for now, take it slow. Especially since you're fresh from the breakup. It's not easy and I know that you know that...but it's well worth it if you both care for each other the way that you should :D

[ctozrn]

Thank you so much for your response Christa! That gives me hope! Taking it slow. That is the hard part because I have never done that before. It involves changing and learning newer, healthier behaviors. I just don't want to blow this. If it is meant to be someday I don't want to do anything to ruin it now. We are having a great time getting to know one another and being friends. I am trying to leave it at that!

[tdogg]

Taking it slow. That is the hard part because I have never done that before.

Oh Christine, don't you know it's in our lesbian nature NOT to take it slow!! :eek: Sounds like you have a good plan though. It will be good to be on your own (speaking of love) for a while, and with something possibly to look forward to down the road. :D:love:

[tymejumper]

Oh why does it always work out like that? Here's my female insite, for what it's worth!

I knew my wife was "the one" when we met, but I put the breaks on right away because I was so afraid! While I was going through my divorce, I told her I needed 6 months to get a sence of myself, live with my kids and support us before I could ask her to join our lives. I knew I wanted to have a live with her, but I was again afraid that I would ruin something. I needed time to heal, to feel again. I knew the love was there, I had felt it, but I also had shut down with all the stress and it was not fair to her to commit myself to a relationship if I was not fully healed up. I spent time in therapy for those 6 months.

When I finally reached my 6 month date, I asked her to move in with me, and I feel that it was the best thing in my life having taken that time to heal up. It was a gift to myself and to her.

We only dated each other, we didn't have sex and we spent time talking and courting. There was no pressure and I love her more NOW for giving me that time, for waiting for me to be ready and for never giving up.

Use this time to get to know each other, court and spend time healing. Your heart has gone through alot in the last few months. Take your time, it makes it so much sweeter! Good luck :love:

[Petrese]

this is a hard question for me to answer, because basically I don't have any willpower when it comes to relationships and I always say I will go slow but then something happens to hit the fast forward LOL. I think if you have the willpower it will work for awhile. but if things are all in the right places after several monthes it is going to be very hard for you to wait out the year, and then I say, why should you?

my first real relationship I knew in about a week it was right and it lasted 21 years. another relationship that I managed to wait on, maybe 2 months of going slow, only lasted only a year.

so maybe wait as long as you can hold out but once you are both ready I think go for it and I also think that it's not going to be a whole year, that might not be a realistic, or a beneficial, goal.

[pnggrad79]

My situation was a little different. I had fought against my same sex attraction to my wife for years before I ever acted on it. By that time, I had grown so disillusioned in my straight marriage that every time I saw her, I had fantasies about us living together and raising my only daughter at that time together. By the time another daughter came along, and several years later, my marriage had reached the boiling point and it was either leave him or be committed to a mental hospital. I had emotionally withdrawn from the marriage and I just wanted out. I knew I was in love with her and there was no point in fighting it.

So when I filed for divorce, I wasted no time in asking her to live with me. She wasn't sure that she wanted to do that, still harboring her own desires to get married to a man and having 2.5 children.... She eventually relented and we did move in together and that was 7 years ago. I still had anger issues related to my previous marriage and that took a couple of years to get through. Still not 100 percent, but Zoloft helps a lot! Nothing will ever change the fact that I am angry about unmet expectations, so since it will never resolve I have to move on and forgive him. Otherwise, my marriage to my wife will suffer.

It might have been better for both of us to wait, but we didn't. The rest is history. I wouldn't go back to a straight marriage for anything. The thought grosses me out. EWWWW!:sick:

[ctozrn]

Thank you for all your responses!

Things are going very well for us. Taking our time to grow our friendship and get to know one another. We have decided that we are now "dating" and I know that we are doing the right thing. We have so far been able to prove that you can be a lesbian and date! Lots of dinners, one movie with friends, a Christmas party, kisses and nothing more! We have plans for Christmas Eve service together and are managing to take things slow by seeing each other 1-2 times a week. We have been friends for about two years and this has been an amazing connection! She is a wonderful, beautiful woman and I am ecstatic to be getting to know her like this.

No U-hauls have been on the premises! :lol:

[tdogg]

Ummm, yup, that's how my wife and I started. Dating. 1 to 2 times a week. We are now married. The uHaul didn't show up until about month 7.

Christine, you got it going on. Enjoy it, get to know each other and savor the 'getting' part. I'm proud of you, and happy for you too. :)

[ctozrn]

But hey, the Uhaul didn't show up for 7 months! That's pretty good in lesbian land! I am proud of myself....I am doing things this time that I have never done before. We both have busy lives...other things to keep us busy. We live about 30 minutes apart...a nice distance. We have friends to keep us busy with other people. Only kisses for now which I am very happy with. I am not even thinking about sex with her right now...I like her too much! Isn't that crazy? The desire is there but I am enjoying the getting to know her part. It is amazing!

Thanks for the support Tdogg!

[tymejumper]

In my opinion, that is how it's suppost to be. The friendship first and the passion last. It does take time to grow. You really have to watch it if you just want to get the other person into bed, I think that means you ahve great chemistry, but as Ann Landers says "true love is friendship that caught on fire". I have found that to be true for myself. I enjoyed getting to know my wife so much, we talked about everything we could. We found out what we had in common. There didn't feel like there was pressure for me to do anything because I knew she would be there so there was not a rush. You are doing great Christine. Hold on and take your time. You will thank yourself later for it.

[pnggrad79]

CT,
My wife and I knew each other for 12 years before we ever became physical in our expression of love to one another. We denied over and over again that we were in love with each other. When I finally admitted it, we had been physical for about a year. Because sex is so emotional and so attached to my feelings for another person, I began to wonder what sex meant to me in relationship to her. I was still married ( I know, adultery and all that) but having sex with a woman. My marriage was already dead,so sex with her was exhilirating. But love? I knew I loved her, but being IN LOVE is a totally different thing. I did a lot of thinking about it and came to the conclusion that all those years I spent denying how I felt and calling it everything but what it was, was a complete waste of time. I admitted to myself and to God that I was in love with a woman. I stopped fighting it and called it what is was- I AM A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You, on the other hand, have been on a rollercoaster this past year, and clearly you are doing the right thing by taking it slow and letting yourself heal. I am so happy for you that you have taken the time to get to know this woman and finding out if this is what you want. Best of luck to you, and I hope that it all goes well.

Any word from the ex?