Catharsis

[Unmasked]

I've been feeling a little bit sad and lonely lately. My uncle Norman had been in the hospital since Thursday last. He died yesterday at around noon. The man was something of a surrogate father to me, my mother being the breadwinner and later single parent (even when she remarried, but that's another tale). I grew up with him. Until I started college, he was a daily part of my life. As a child he took responsibility for my education, and as an adolescent, he became something of a confidant. In many ways I revered him, though he expressed open revulsion at male homosexuality (and BDSM, for largely the same reasons). He was never what you could call a bigot, he just could never understand what would make a person sexually interested in some things. Despite these things, I looked upon him as a sage of sorts.

He was a Catholic for several years, and though he converted from Catholicism to another Christian traditions (Church of Christ - Independent) he had a great love of Saint Francis of Assisi, which we both shared.

I love my uncle. My entire life, I have looked to him for guidance, and for reassurance, imagining that the greatest aspiration for me would be to grow up to be exactly like my beloved Uncle Norman.

I remember as a boy, my mother's second husband told me a story about Spanish caballeros. If a young man fell and was injured in the presence of his father, he was not to cry. If he shed even a tear, it was considered very shameful, and his father was honor-bound to shoot him. I hated that man more than I have ever hated before or since, but since then I have been unable to cry. I have not known how to express sorrow, or even how to feel, outside of a hollow numbness. I have been broken for a long time, and more than anything I think I need to fall apart, but I have no idea how to do that.

If anybody can offer me any help, consolation, or words of wisdom, it would be welcome and appreciated.

[andrewlittle]

Speaking from my own experience, and recognizing it is not universal, I had to learn to express grief, pain and tears. I had been taught, much the same as you, that "big boys don't cry." Worse yet, if you do, it will cost you dearly.

The process was one of learning and unlearning. It isn't adequate just to learn how to express what you feel, as it immediately falls into conflict with what you have already assimilated. That mistake cost me many years and a hell of a lot of medication. You also cannot just unlearn what has been ingrained in you, because that just brings you back to point zero - a very immature emotional state of a young child (or whatever age you were when your step-dad began your programming). It's a little tricky and takes time but, MY GOD, is it worth it.

Don't be in a hurry, and don't be afraid to use a guide for the journey - counselors skilled in this process are worthy companions.

The desire to grieve for your uncle is real and very heathly - it's just that you are not at the point of being able to healthily grieve his loss. Your post is a very fine and, I would say, sensitive start. Sensitive to him - sensitive to yourself, perhaps more importantly.

I hung on to some things that I had from my healthy role model, Mr Cooper who died when I was thirteen. I didn't mean for them to be used the way I did years later - I just wanted to keep them. When I was thirty-five, I'd finally reached a point where I could pulll them out, cry, and give the man the postmortal loving send-off I was incapable of for so many years. It was even powerful, I believe, than if I was able to do at 13.

You are in my prayers, friend.

[Emproph]

I love my uncle. My entire life, I have looked to him for guidance, and for reassurance, imagining that the greatest aspiration for me would be to grow up to be exactly like my beloved Uncle Norman.

If you believe in life after life, consider that he knows all that now. :)

but since then I have been unable to cry. I have not known how to express sorrow, or even how to feel, outside of a hollow numbness. I have been broken for a long time, and more than anything I think I need to fall apart, but I have no idea how to do that.

I know what it means to not be able to cry, but more importantly, the frustration of knowing you can’t just “fall apart” when you desperately need to.

The only times I really cried, was when I fell in love and my heart was broken. I had a wellspring of passion to maintain my expression of misery. It was cathartic, and it was holy. But always on cue, within about two months, the passion of my pain subsided, and along with it, my ability to cry.

I didn’t want to lose the pain, because I knew it would be the end of my passion, and to what I felt was a true connection to God.

But so goes it.

I think Andrew’s right, don’t be in a hurry. Sometimes the emotion has to gather strength, and be in the right order before it can flow.

Until then, make sure to listen to depressing music like this that beautifies desperation itself.

Liz Phair - table for one

o6YY3HLX4gM

Now if that don't make you sob and weep, I got nuthin... ;)

[antiochian]

Deepest sympathy, Unmasked. It's sad that so many see crying as a sign of weakness in men. It's not true in the least. Tears are a gift; if nothing else, pray for them, if you pray. Heaven will grant them when the timing is right.