The Holidays are coming up...

[Ellen]

Be sure to share your stories regarding spending your holidays with "blended" (GLBT) families! Jamie's got a good one!

[pnggrad79]

Since I came out in September to my family (last year, 2004) I am not allowed to come home, at least not with my wife. And I refuse to go anywhere without her, so essentially I am not invited. We are doing our best to just enjoy each other despite the rejection of my family.:rolleyes:

[Jamie McDaniel]

...I am not allowed to come home, at least not with my wife. And I refuse to go anywhere without her...
Good on you, Margie! You know, Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." All too often, same-gender couples have given their consent in exchange for anti-gay heterosexuals "accepting" one of the persons. Rings come off in front of co-workers, partners are asked to "make other plans" instead of attending social gatherings, apartments are rearranged when guests visit. I'm glad to hear that you're not going to give your consent, Margie, even if it means not being invited.

Looking to the future, I hope your family does eventually experience a change of heart. That won't "just happen", though. You'll need to keep at 'em, just being yourself and inviting them into you and your wife's life even if they keep declining.

Now, what Ellen was referring to when she wrote "Jamie has a good one!" is a story I shared on the Monday morning Soulforce staff call. I'm actually going to write an article on it after the holidays, but the situation is that my boyfriend of five months wants to spend Thanksgiving with me. Well, Thanksgiving dinner is over at my aunt's house this year and my uncle is a very conservative Southern Baptist pastor.

[keltic63]

Now, what Ellen was referring to when she wrote "Jamie has a good one!" is a story I shared on the Monday morning Soulforce staff call. I'm actually going to write an article on it after the holidays, but the situation is that my boyfriend of five months wants to spend Thanksgiving with me. Well, Thanksgiving dinner is over at my aunt's house this year and my uncle is a very conservative Southern Baptist pastor.

Well, I do hope that he is welcome there! What I can't figure out about some people who are so opposed to LGBT individuals, is why they would pass up an opportunity to "witness" to them. I mean, this is a perfect opportunity for your Southern Baptist pastor/uncle to speak to you about your "grievous sin and alternate lifestyle." why wouldn't he want you both there so he could "speak the truth in love" ? :rolleyes:

Both my BF and I were in straight marriages, and together we have 7 children (I have the only girl in the bunch). Thanksgiving (and other holidays) find us splitting the day, each of us taking our respective children to our parents' homes. It's not even about rejecting the partner, it seems to be more about logistics. At the moment, it looks like he and I will have the better part of the day together, then take our kids to dinner around 4-5pm; not a bad arrangement considering all the schedules that play into it.

[Catt of the Garage]

What I can't figure out about some people who are so opposed to LGBT individuals, is why they would pass up an opportunity to "witness" to them.

I wonder if in some cases it's symptomatic of a kind of pervasive embarrassment in the church regarding homosexuality. I think a lot of straight Christians are not as definite as they sound on the matter but are in fact confused, afraid to admit it and so try to distance themselves from the issue.

Few Christian writers or commentators really tackle it - but I remember a little aside in the "Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass" where the father, on discovering his late-teenage son has at last got a girlfriend, expresses relief, confusion and finally an flustered attempt to reconcile his vaguely contradictory opinions with the "correct Christian response" - "Well, Gerald has a girlfriend, so at least he's not gay"..."Not that I thought he was"... "Not that I'm prejudiced against gay people"... "Not that I think it's right"... "Being gay I mean". And umm and err and so on.

Most wouldn't admit it but that probably describes the feelings of a lot of Christians - inwardly confused, but outwardly trying to conform to the "accepted view" while avoiding the issue as much as possible.

[Jennifer5]

Well said!

[ps403]

I agree. Most Christians only know what there church has told them about the bible...not what it actually says! Having grown up in a baptist home, I never even questioned the logic until just recently.

It's amazing how your mind is cleared when you remove the guilt and judgment.

[Jamie McDaniel]

Now, what Ellen was referring to when she wrote "Jamie has a good one!" is a story I shared on the Monday morning Soulforce staff call. I'm actually going to write an article on it after the holidays, but the situation is that my boyfriend of five months wants to spend Thanksgiving with me. Well, Thanksgiving dinner is over at my aunt's house this year and my uncle is a very conservative Southern Baptist pastor.

Why, I never posted what happened. Oops. :o

Well, my boyfriend (his name is Chris) wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me and all the family was getting together at my aunt and uncle's home. My parents had yet to meet Chris, but I had told them about him several times. My younger brother and his wife live here in Lexington, and they had met him when we all went out to a restaurant one night.

I told my mom I wanted to bring Chris along and mom was particularly interested in how I planned to introduce him. My parents have come a long way in five years, but they're still not quite there yet. (Although they both voted "no" on our state amendment, which I was just thrilled about.) Mom initially suggested I introduce him as my friend. I told her that wouldn't be right and besides, would my brother ever had introduced my sister-in-law as his friend back when they were dating.

So I decided I would just call up my relatives and ask if they were ok with me bringing my boyfriend. (If they were not, I would not have attended alone because that would mean I would had to ask Chris to stay behind. :disagree: )

Two years ago I had sent all the members of my extended family a coming out letter (http://home.insightbb.com/~jamiemcd/familyletter.html).

I must admit I was a little anxious about calling my aunt and uncle. In hindsight, it turns out that "worrying" over that initial call was the worst part of the whole experience.

My aunt answered the phone and after about 5 minutes of chit-chat, she asked if I was coming for Thanksgiving.

"Well, that's kind'a why I'm calling. I sort'a have a question I want to ask you and if you need time to think about it and talk with (my uncle) then that's ok. You see, I have a boyfriend now, we've been dating about 5 monthes, and well, he's not going home to his family for Thanksgiving. He wants to spend it with me and I want to spend Thanksgiving with you all. I know people don't generally ask if it is ok if they bring their date, but I didn't want to spring anything on you... just wanted to be courteous and all."

A pause. Then my aunt replied with, "Did you hear your cousin had a baby?"

So after talking about my cousin's news, I had to bring her back to the question. :)

After another minute or two, my aunt said she didn't have to ask my uncle, that we could come on.

So we did and everyone treated Chris and I the same as everyone else. I guess we did kind'a keep a low profile for this initial visit. I only brought up my work for gay rights once. But everyone knew what the deal was.

My aunt noticed that Chris was eating turkey and ham and said, "I see you're not a vegetarian like Jamie is."

My uncle took us on a tour of his little church, which was on the other side of the street from their house.

Oh, I'm not so naive to think that all my relatives will vote for equality now, but then again, all journeys have a starting point. And my cousin in high school said she wants to either be a politician or a teacher.

[keltic63]

hey Jamie, thanks for the story. I read your coming out letter and looked around your website. that's a nice site!

[Jamie McDaniel]

...and looked around your website. that's a nice site!

Nah, it's an old site that seriously needs updating sometime.

Know what the biggest lie on the internet is? (Well, besides that big lie (http://www.lovewonout.com/).)

It's this one ---> "Coming soon... check back later." :lol:

[Toni]

Hold your ground, my dad didn't really invite my partner to attend the holidays last year, so we didn't show up. He realizes now that if he doesn't accept us both he'll lose me completely. He is improving with time. Hopefully your parents will come around.
toni

[themattperry]

Hi All --

My boyfriend's family hasn't spoken to me or met me before -- we've been together for about a year. The holidays are turning out to be hard ... he's going back to Indiana to be with them, and I support him in that because he loves them. On the other hand, it feels crappy to not be invited, or even recognized. Patience and love are the key -- I'm sending them a nice big Christmas card.

It still hurts though, and I'll miss my BF over Chirstmas.

*sigh*

[keltic63]

Hi All --

My boyfriend's family hasn't spoken to me or met me before -- we've been together for about a year. The holidays are turning out to be hard ... he's going back to Indiana to be with them, and I support him in that because he loves them. On the other hand, it feels crappy to not be invited, or even recognized. Patience and love are the key -- I'm sending them a nice big Christmas card.

It still hurts though, and I'll miss my BF over Chirstmas.

*sigh*

will you be able to see your family?

[themattperry]

will you be able to see your family?
I will ... I am lucky to have a family that accepts me for who I am.

It's definitely good to be reminded that there is grace in that.

Part of my pain, I think, is just the awareness that he doesn't get to experience that with his family.

[schoolboi]

This is the first Christmas in my life that I will be alone. (Actually I will have my dogs with me.) My family is supportive, but they are in Oklahoma and I can’t make it home. My roommate will be out of town, and so will Mel and Gary (my best friends in town.) I have no boyfriend at the moment. It is interesting to glimpse just a little of the loneliness that others face at the holidays. I will be alone because of logistics. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be alone because of rejection. My prayers go out for the lonely and hurting this holiday.

[Ellen]

Come on over to Charlottesville and spend the day with us! I'm not kidding, this is a real invitation.

[schoolboi]

Ellen,

Thanks for the invite! I actually have to work Christmas day at my church, so I will not be totaly alone. You are so sweet to offer. Hope to see you soon!

[SolInvictus]

Hello schoolboi,
I can relate - I'll be with my family too, but I'm also single. For me, the lonliest time is New Years Day basically because I do not have a partner to share the day with me... Oh well... At least, I'll be with my family.

[NathanATX]

I'm single and, like some of you all, I have an unpleasant relationship with my family. The past few weeks have been kind of yukky.

I do have wonderful friends here in Austin, though. One of them, Robert sent me this article that I'd like for you folks to read...

take good care of yourselves!
Nathan


Solitude: Alone, but Not Lonely (http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/getcontent.aspx?cid=14233)
by Tina Coleman

Somewhere along the way, American society has lost sight of the value of solitude. Yet getting to know your inner self through solitude is key to enriching your life and your relationships."...our society is so geared toward attachment and engagement and 'busyness,' that alonetime has been lost." —Esther Buchholz, Ph.D.

We all experience perfect solitude in the womb, but it's unfortunate that we're too young to appreciate it. Once we're born into this round-the-clock, information-at-our-fingertips world and burdened with carpools and endless social obligations, the chance of finding—or appreciating—the gift of solitude is greatly diminished.

But it hasn't always been this way.

Away From Ourselves
"A century ago, most people lived on farms in the country in isolated family units," says John Selby, a counselor, teacher, and the author of Solitude: The Art of Living with Yourself. "Everyone was forced to establish a relationship with themselves alone. Solitude was a positive aspect of life." Most people enjoyed a relationship with nature that made them feel less alone, he adds, but suburban living has diminished that connection. Instead, we turn on the TV to avoid being entirely alone. "The media," he says, "have replaced nature."

We also place a far greater emphasis on the need for relationships outside of the family than our grandparents did. This increased reliance on relationships with others shifts our focus even further from our inner selves and our needs as individuals, and more towards who we feel we are—or should be—in relation to others. "It's difficult to maintain a sense of personal integrity if we are always outwardly focused," says Esther Buchholz, Ph.D., author of The Call of Solitude: Alonetime in a World of Attachment.

Solitude Is...
Solitude, Buchholz says, is the need to retreat psychologically—and sometimes physically—to modify stimulation and to "reconstitute how one functions by one's self." In other words, space to breathe. But people have preconceived notions about solitude, that somehow it's a negative thing. Because even the dictionary definition of solitude includes terms like "isolation" and "lonely," Buchholz prefers to use the term "alonetime" instead of solitude.

Alonetime helps you learn who you are. To function at your peak, you need to know yourself, and alonetime provides time for self-examination. The degree of solitude we each require is partly inborn and partly learned. People who are more introverted will feel a greater need for solitude than those who are extroverted. But from a very early age, we all need at least some alonetime; Buchholz notes that the need for alonetime is probably present from birth.

"We would not survive very well if we didn't have some self-regulatory and alone skills to help us achieve a balance between stimulation and lack of stimulation," she says. "Nature provides time alone in sleep, but our society is so geared toward attachment and engagement and 'busyness,' that alonetime has been lost."

Valuing Solitude
The way you're raised also determines whether you will seek or reject solitude as you become adults. If as a child, you were sent to your room when you misbehaved or were told that you'd be unpopular if you didn't behave, you may grow up associating solitude with abandonment. "If our parents and our communities fear solitude, then we'll pick this up, until we discover that solitude is golden and is to be nurtured," Selby says. Conversely, if your parents had good relationships with their solitary selves, you'll learn to develop that relationship with yourself as well, he says. Children who grow up in households where solitude is respected are far more likely to seek alonetime as adults.

Selby also feels that society's generally negative view of solitude makes people feel guilty or inadequate if they're not social butterflies. "We value extroversion and put down introversion." And because people don't take time to know themselves in any introverted way, they may feel lonely, inadequate, or frustrated, which can lead to depression.

Solitude and Relationships
If you are part of a family or relationship in which the need for solitude is not recognized or respected, it can be difficult to express your needs without offending those who don't understand your need for alonetime. There are ways to negotiate these differences so that they don't create wedges in your relationships, says Buchholz. "Often, people feel rejected when a friend or lover asks for more space in a relationship," adds Selby. "But when we see that relationships depend on each of us knowing and loving ourselves first, then it makes sense to allow our friends and lovers and family members their solitary time."

Recognizing Your Need for Solitude
How can you tell when you are overwhelmed and ready for a little solitary R&R? Signs include:

irritability
anger at those closest to you
a feeling of being overly-intruded upon
not wanting to do things you normally want to do
fatigue
nervousness
confusion
shakiness
lack of energy
tight breathing

It's no coincidence that some of these signs mimic a panic attack. Some experts say that the need for solitude is a panic reaction in and of itself.

Remember, says Selby, that solitude is not just about being physically alone. It's about shifting into a nurturing gear for your own self. He recommends doing a regular meditation a few times a day to slow yourself down, shift out of thoughts of the past and the future, and just "be" for a time while your social batteries recharge. If you detect these signs in your children, encourage or even enforce short time-outs alone, because it's difficult for them to recognize the need in themselves.

Not giving yourself enough alonetime can negatively affect your relationships, health, and ability to think clearly, because you're too busy doing. Being overstimulated intrudes on creativity and diminishes your problem-solving skills.

The Gift of Solitude
Some find solitude on a beach or a mountaintop, but you can also experience solitude sitting in a favorite chair in a quiet room. A two-minute meditation during an elevator ride or a peaceful, solitary walk on your lunch break might be all it takes to recharge. Waking up slowly listening to the birds sing, or going to bed a few minutes early and enjoying the luxury of those extra winding-down minutes can be sheer bliss. Solitude keeps us in touch with ourselves and who we are, says Buchholz.

Solitude doesn't necessarily mean inactivity. Some people feel recharged after spending an entire afternoon listening to classical music while cleaning out closets. The key is to select a time for yourself, when you can think, sing out loud, scrub the floor, or whatever...alone.

[Jennifer5]

It's amazing that only a few minutes can make that kind of difference. But, it's surprising that so few people will find the time to just be alone.:)