Linda2008
03-04-2009, 01:02 PM
How are you all?
A little bit about myself, I'm a thirtysomething student trying to update my skills for today's more competitive job market. I come from a large family and am a diehard reader. And I'm really delighted to have stumbled upon Soulforce because I'm hopeful of sharing thoughts and ideas as I work through my own present identity crisis.
I am not sure, but I think I may have just participated in a lesbian "emotional love affair." I have comfortably lived all my life as a straight female and I can't really say I've experienced romantic interest towards my own gender. I've been close friends with a lady for several years. "Mary" has always identified herself as bisexual. I guess just that the fact that she felt the need to inform me of that may say something. She is married and has children. In the years we've been friends I've become close with her immediate family and some of her extended relatives.
Mary is older than I am, more established in her career, and much better off financially. When we first became friends my 8-year marriage was in its death throes. She was a very supportive friend and a real bright spot in my life. She often sent me gifts, mainly clothing, accessories, and jewelry, and she frequently treated me to outings I could not have afforded on my own. Like most "best friends" we had a lot in common and I love her and enjoy her company and am grateful to her for her support and friendship through more difficult times in my life.
When I was enjoying an extended visit with her family, her husband often joked "he was going to tell the neighbors I was his second wife". While we were all very close and genuinely affectionate towards one another, I didn't view any of the interaction as something beyond ordinary friendship.
In the past year, the relationship changed dramatically. Mary's husband quit speaking to me and the one time I visited them in their home he was barely civil to me. I am unaware to this day what, if anything, I've done to offend him. Mary also appeared preoccupied with a new "close friend" and most of my visit was eaten up by her discussing this other person. She also made it a point to show me some jewelry her friend had sent her. The underlying message in my perspective of it was that I was "replaced" and no longer welcome.
A bisexual relative of mine has since told me she had always perceived Mary's interest in me as more romantic than friendly. I don't really know what to think. I've always known Mary was bisexual since she told me, but it wasn't something I thought about much since I considered her a friend, not a prospective lover.
Since then, I've found out that Mary has a history of brief "best friendships" with different women. I "compared notes" with a mutual acquaintance and found our stories somewhat similar. This other lady was "best friends" with Mary while the lady's marriage was going through a rough patch. Although their relationship did not have the same duration and intensity as mine in some ways it did seem similar. The current "best friend" is experiencing marital trouble as well.
I'm really disturbed by the entire situation. Although Mary stays in touch with me our friendship seems to have changed in a negative way. I've attempted to address it and she's avoided answering me directly. Recently I found the courage to address her potential former romantic interest. I told her I did not judge her or accuse her of doing anything wrong and I apologized to her if I'd disappointed her or made her feel rejected. I also assured her I loved her and valued her friendship. Her response to this was a casual "You're not my type" and she never addressed my concerns regarding our foundering friendship.
I was hoping perhaps other posters in the Soulforce community might be able to offer some insight on this situation. I tend to be very loyal in my friendships and have years of great memories with Mary and her family. I'd like to salvage the friendship if it's possible, but I'm no longer even sure we had a "real" friendship. I fluctuate between feelings of being disturbed and taken advantage of, and feelings that I "must not be seeing things correctly." It's just hard for me to rationalize what's happened. If we had been involved in an openly acknowledged romantic relationship, the behaviors make sense and I could just put it behind me and move on. I'm worried I may be unfairly judging her actions based on her gender preferences.
I don't want to turn my back on Mary (who continues to remain in touch with me on a more casual level than previously) but I'm no longer comfortable with her. I feel like she may have been dishonest with me and other times I feel like I'm making a big deal out it and what we're experiencing is just the natural turns that some friendships take (people growing apart, etc.).
Does anyone have any feedback? Please forgive the length of this post. Thanks for listening.
A little bit about myself, I'm a thirtysomething student trying to update my skills for today's more competitive job market. I come from a large family and am a diehard reader. And I'm really delighted to have stumbled upon Soulforce because I'm hopeful of sharing thoughts and ideas as I work through my own present identity crisis.
I am not sure, but I think I may have just participated in a lesbian "emotional love affair." I have comfortably lived all my life as a straight female and I can't really say I've experienced romantic interest towards my own gender. I've been close friends with a lady for several years. "Mary" has always identified herself as bisexual. I guess just that the fact that she felt the need to inform me of that may say something. She is married and has children. In the years we've been friends I've become close with her immediate family and some of her extended relatives.
Mary is older than I am, more established in her career, and much better off financially. When we first became friends my 8-year marriage was in its death throes. She was a very supportive friend and a real bright spot in my life. She often sent me gifts, mainly clothing, accessories, and jewelry, and she frequently treated me to outings I could not have afforded on my own. Like most "best friends" we had a lot in common and I love her and enjoy her company and am grateful to her for her support and friendship through more difficult times in my life.
When I was enjoying an extended visit with her family, her husband often joked "he was going to tell the neighbors I was his second wife". While we were all very close and genuinely affectionate towards one another, I didn't view any of the interaction as something beyond ordinary friendship.
In the past year, the relationship changed dramatically. Mary's husband quit speaking to me and the one time I visited them in their home he was barely civil to me. I am unaware to this day what, if anything, I've done to offend him. Mary also appeared preoccupied with a new "close friend" and most of my visit was eaten up by her discussing this other person. She also made it a point to show me some jewelry her friend had sent her. The underlying message in my perspective of it was that I was "replaced" and no longer welcome.
A bisexual relative of mine has since told me she had always perceived Mary's interest in me as more romantic than friendly. I don't really know what to think. I've always known Mary was bisexual since she told me, but it wasn't something I thought about much since I considered her a friend, not a prospective lover.
Since then, I've found out that Mary has a history of brief "best friendships" with different women. I "compared notes" with a mutual acquaintance and found our stories somewhat similar. This other lady was "best friends" with Mary while the lady's marriage was going through a rough patch. Although their relationship did not have the same duration and intensity as mine in some ways it did seem similar. The current "best friend" is experiencing marital trouble as well.
I'm really disturbed by the entire situation. Although Mary stays in touch with me our friendship seems to have changed in a negative way. I've attempted to address it and she's avoided answering me directly. Recently I found the courage to address her potential former romantic interest. I told her I did not judge her or accuse her of doing anything wrong and I apologized to her if I'd disappointed her or made her feel rejected. I also assured her I loved her and valued her friendship. Her response to this was a casual "You're not my type" and she never addressed my concerns regarding our foundering friendship.
I was hoping perhaps other posters in the Soulforce community might be able to offer some insight on this situation. I tend to be very loyal in my friendships and have years of great memories with Mary and her family. I'd like to salvage the friendship if it's possible, but I'm no longer even sure we had a "real" friendship. I fluctuate between feelings of being disturbed and taken advantage of, and feelings that I "must not be seeing things correctly." It's just hard for me to rationalize what's happened. If we had been involved in an openly acknowledged romantic relationship, the behaviors make sense and I could just put it behind me and move on. I'm worried I may be unfairly judging her actions based on her gender preferences.
I don't want to turn my back on Mary (who continues to remain in touch with me on a more casual level than previously) but I'm no longer comfortable with her. I feel like she may have been dishonest with me and other times I feel like I'm making a big deal out it and what we're experiencing is just the natural turns that some friendships take (people growing apart, etc.).
Does anyone have any feedback? Please forgive the length of this post. Thanks for listening.