When a mom isn't... [Archive] - Soulforce Community Forums

NathanATX

05-03-2006, 09:40 AM

When a mom isn't...

I'm posting this for the benefit of those who are struggling with difficult parents. My mother, God bless her, vascillates from being "ok" with my sexuality to being ugly and abusive about it. The pendulum has swung and she's decided to become ugly again... Here's her email from this morning:

*******************************8
Dear Nathan,

I want you to know before I say what I want to say in this letter, that I love you more than you can know! And I know more than you can know! And I know the Lord loves you more than I could ever imagine. In so very many ways your heart is so good and so kind, who could not Love you?

You care for others and you go out of your way to help others. I have So missed the fellowship in the Lord that we use to have more than you could ever know. And if being kind and doing good works could get you to heaven, you for sure would make it. But it won't be enough. Only true repentance and the washing with the blood of Jesus will do.

This is one of the most difficult letters I have ever written and I do so with hope in my heart that you somehow will understand and somehow believe that I have your best interest at heart.

I have been letting God deal with my heart over my own sins and really wanting to get to that place of total surrender to Him. Through many times of weeping before the Lord, He has led me to put Him first, even above my children. Jesus said that I would even have to hate my own life also to be His disciple. There really is no other way to please Him.

You know that I really believe that you need to repent, and that your Soul is in danger of going to hell if you die in your sins. I know that I know that I know this in my heart of hearts, as well as the scriptures speaking of those who walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit. I know because I backslide when I learned of your lifestyle. I began to question God and went through my own hell over all of this. But when Justin died, God opened my eyes to my foolishness and gave me an opportunity to repent and to turn back to Him. Which I am eternally grateful to Jesus for, because many never have that opportunity to repent and end up in hell forever.

Justin is in heaven, because God let him come back to life and pray the sinners prayer! I know this and God has confirmed to me many times, that Justin is with Him.

So I have learned the fear of God even more than in the past, and I am Not going away from Him ever again by His grace and mercy! And I am Reading the word, of which you profess to believe and it says that if I love Jesus I will obey His commands. It also says that I can not love my children more than I love Him. So I must obey Him and put Him first in all things.

Here is the hard part that I must do. And I believe that in obeying Him in this, that there will still be hope for you.

I have compromised because of you in the past, but I have repented. I can't compromise anymore.

I compromised because I was angry at God over what you went through and how it affected you. God has shown me how foolish that was, and has truly granted me a gift of repentance. And here is what the word says that I must do:

1Cr 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any Man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

If you were just living in sin and not professing to be a Christian then I would not be required to do this. But you are living in fornication and now your even going to become a minister, so that puts me in a position to either ignore this command or obey it.

This is where I have to draw the line. Until you come to yourself and realize the REAL spiritual danger you are in every day you live in your sin, and truly repent, I will not be able to fellowship with you or to even eat with you. I can't go out to eat with you when you come to town.

I can't invite you to anymore family gatherings. This is harder for me than you will ever know.

I know many in my own family won't understand this, and may be offended at me and hate me. But I only care what Jesus thinks and what He wants, because I know He misses your fellowship too!

Our fellowship can be restored upon your true repentance and walking Away from your sin. I truly long for that time more than you could ever know!!! Any time you want to find your way back to the truth, I will be there to help you.

And I can tell you my flesh does not want to obey this, but my spirit knows that there is no other way, especially if there is any hope for you at all.

I know this will maybe make you hate me and make you infuriated with me. You will think me such a hypocrite and you will want to lash out at me.

You are in a lot of deception, and according to the word only God can Help you at this point. I will not hold anything against you that you do or say to me. I love you, I love you, I love you. I want you to make it to heaven!

You are in fornication which is clearly a sin in the word of God. You would be better off to not try to bring God into you sinful lifestyle son. It's just a very bad thing to do spiritually.

I love you and pray for you son. I will never stop praying for you!!!

Love,

Mom

Please wait until you are not so angry before you write me or call me ok. I really do love you!

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask that You would grant Nathan the gift of repentance. I ask that You would show him that he is being deceived and in danger spiritually. I pray that he will have his eyes opened to see and that his ears would Be open to hear, and that he would be given a heart to understand the Truth and be able to turn to You and turn from his sin of rebellion. I ask for mercy for his soul and to be filled with hope that You can help him.

In Jesus mighty name.

Amen

I have counted the cost of obeying Gods word, what I have to endure, is just what will be. I have counted Him worthy of all my obedience and love.

**********************

And my response...

I am your son.

I love you.

Jesus said the two greatest commandments were to Love God and to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

You think what you're doing is prompted by love, but it is not. It is prompted by hysteria and fear. You should be ashamed of yourself for acting so unlovingly and ungraciously.

You do not have permission to disinvite me from family events. They are my family too.

Do you really think a loving God is going to call you to be abusive? I don't think so. I certainly don't believe in that kind of God.

What did Jesus say we had to do to have eternal life?
Luke 18:25--28
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'[c]; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

You can choose to believe as Jesus taught and LOVE God or you can choose to fear the God who made you because you think that doing so will give you a ticket to escape hell.

You're taking the easy road.

What is love?
1 Cor. 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Their is a vast difference between your words and what love actually is.

I will see you at the reunion. Please be prepared to be gracious and kind.

I love you.
Nathan

keltic63

05-03-2006, 10:03 AM

You handled that well. I'm not sure I would have been so polite.

Jamie McDaniel

05-03-2006, 10:41 AM

Oh Nathan, here is a big hug. :love:

Reading your Mom's email to you made me heartsick. What are your thoughts about these two sentences?
This is harder for me than you will ever know.
I want you to make it to heaven!
My first thought was that your mother seems sincere with this. Do you agree?

I sometimes question the sincerity of our adversaries, even though one of the Soulforce credos says we shouldn't (http://www.soulforce.org/article/679). But when it comes to hard-core anti-gay leaders, I start thinking about the influence of money, power, privelege, etc.

Your mom's email, spiritually violent as it was, seemed to not be tainted with those things. If that is the case, then she is in deep bondage to misinformation. She's a victim in this too, caught up in all the falsehoods she has been taught by her religion concerning homosexuality and, perhaps even more, God's character.

Bravo to you on your response! It's especially tough when it's a family member throwing you heat, but you, Nathan, can get on base no matter who the pitcher is.

Rick336

05-03-2006, 10:45 AM

Nathan,

I agree with Keltic. I'm afraid I might have responded with a lot more anger and resentment which would have probably made the situation even worse. You handled it in a mature and loving manner which leaves the door open for more communication. I can learn from your example.

Rick

schoolboi

05-03-2006, 11:23 AM

Nathan,

Reading your mother's email takes me back to when I was receiving correspondence like this on a weekly basis from members of my family. Unlike you, at that time I was not quite sure myself about God's love for me. That was the darkest time in my life. I am very lucky to be alive now because I almost did not survive.

From time to time members of my family still "slip" back to the kind of thinking your mother is experiencing. I think your response is great. I do the same. I just simply don't let them take such a easy out. I continue life as usual. I continue to be who I am. I continue my relationship with them as if nothing has changed. It forces them to face the truth.

It's hard and emotionally draining to have to deal with things like this. Just know you are loved! You're in my prayers.

NathanATX

05-03-2006, 11:25 AM

Oh Nathan, here is a big hug. :love:

Reading your Mom's email to you made me heartsick. What are your thoughts about these two sentences?

My first thought was that your mother seems sincere with this. Do you agree?

I sometimes question the sincerity of our adversaries, even though one of the Soulforce credos says we shouldn't (http://www.soulforce.org/article/679). But when it comes to hard-core anti-gay leaders, I start thinking about the influence of money, power, privelege, etc.

Your mom's email, spiritually violent as it was, seemed to not be tainted with those things. If that is the case, then she is in deep bondage to misinformation. She's a victim in this too, caught up in all the falsehoods she has been taught by her religion concerning homosexuality and, perhaps even more, God's character.

Bravo to you on your response! It's especially tough when it's a family member throwing you heat, but you, Nathan, can get on base no matter who the pitcher is.

I do believe she thinks she is sincere. I just keep pointing out over and over how her actions and words do not match up with scripture. Usually at some point, she'll just say "well, I don't know the answer to that, but I believe what I believe."

I definitely believe she is a victim... but I'm really tired of letting her victimize me.

Zerbie

05-03-2006, 11:55 AM

((((Nathan)))) :love:

Reading that is heartbreaking.

The sense I had was that her emotions are completely sincere, that this is being a tremendous trial for her. It seems to me she really believes everything she says and is afraid for you.

What tears my heart is that we - strangers - seem to see more than she does how incredibly loving and blessed you are. That your life is rooted in divine love - I really get that. I can't imagine how she can say "try not to bring God" into your life, as if 1) God isn't already there and 2) you would have to "try". It is heartbreaking that she doesn't see the light that is right there with you, and in you.

I can't imagine dealing with correspondence like this on a regular basis. My head would spin. I'm sorry you must deal with this and from such an important person in your life! Nate, we're your friends here, and we love you and are praying for your best in every way. :pray:

NathanATX

05-03-2006, 12:12 PM

Vanessa White

05-03-2006, 12:38 PM

Nate: I also wanted to pass on my blessings and well wishes with this situation, and want you to know that your response to her was so beautifully, truthfully written. Plus, you told her what you wanted and intended on having in terms of the family. It is sad and unfortunate that she views your orientation, and YOU, in that way, even if she will sometimes swing to some type of acceptance. I almost think that would be harder, to be on that type of emotional roller coaster. Do you at least have other family members available to you who are consistently supportive? You are among friends and well wishers here. You are in my prayers, Vanessa:pray: :love:

NonLemming

05-03-2006, 03:52 PM

Nathan:

You just earned a ton of respect from me. The class and grace you demonstrated in your response is so rare to find in one as young as you. I believe your Mother truly loves you in the best way she knows how, yet her thoughts seem poisoned by someone.

This part of your Mom's letter disturbed me a ittle:

"I know this and God has confirmed to me many times, that Justin is with Him."

I know it's a small thing, but does your Mother "talk" to God and hear responses back? If so, something far more difficult may lie on the horizon. She may need to see a psychiatrist.

Back to the topic, keep your chin up, you did well, not in putting your Mom down (which you didn't) but in standing up for yourself. Not allowing her to disinvite you from seeing your own family took great courage to express and I'm proud of you. We can all learn something from your response.

dewdrop_world

05-03-2006, 03:55 PM

I really can't imagine... my parents were supportive from day 1. It was an adjustment for them, but they never did anything like this.

I didn't read Prayers for Bobby when it came out, but I'm reading it now so this is hitting a bit closer to home than it would have otherwise.

You have my support --
James

NathanATX

05-03-2006, 04:16 PM

Thanks for all your kind words, everyone. I'm doing fine... just really curious how this is going to unfold.

nate

Dash

05-03-2006, 04:16 PM

Chin up, young sir. You are strong and beautiful.

keltic63

05-03-2006, 04:30 PM

Thanks for all your kind words, everyone. I'm doing fine... just really curious how this is going to unfold.

nate

far-reaching consequences in ways you may never know: I made a copy of your original post and showed it to someone I work with. She was moved by it. She made a copy of the Corinthians scripture because of something she is dealing with. She confided that she's going through "something" right now, but wasn't ready to tell me about it. I suspect she found strength in your words.

Let the blessings flow!

closetcougar

05-03-2006, 04:37 PM

I am so sorry. I am really impressed by the way you responded to her, telling her that you are not going to be apologetic about your beliefs. It seems that you set great boundaries with her, putting her choices back on her; making it HER choice whether or not to attend family functions, rather than to ban you from them.

My partner's parents came to town about a month ago and asked me to leave while they were there. This was the first time we'd had a parent sleep over since my partner came out to them and so we thought that if we compromised this time, they would give next time. We saw it as progress, since at first they were never even going to set foot in the state of Utah again. It didn't work out this way. They took it as, "we are lesser people b/c we are living in sin and so we should accomodate the more righteous."

We both agreed that we would NEVER do that again for anyone. It just sends a really bad message to them, and more importantly, myself. I gues you live and then you learn.

That being said, I appreciate the way you stand up for yourself without being personally hurtful to her. It's a difficult art and you seem to manage it well.

suzer1013

05-03-2006, 04:49 PM

Nate -- I loved your response to your mom. I left a reply to you over on the UMC boards, because I wanted to be sure there were some responses there, too. I'm not sure if I made much sense -- my head is reeling with information overload right now, but I hope I at least managed complete sentences. Your post is very moving, and gives me strength. Blessings....

Susan

NathanATX

05-03-2006, 04:50 PM

That being said, I appreciate the way you stand up for yourself without being personally hurtful to her. It's a difficult art and you seem to manage it well.

You should read some of the emails I *almost* sent. :)

Seriously, though. I am growing a lot lately...and it's not easy.

tdogg

05-03-2006, 06:54 PM

Nathan, you are a mature strong person and appear to be handling this well, although it's not easy especially when this comes from our close loved-ones (such as parents). Reading your mom's letter really struck home with me. My aunt send emails and letters such as your mom's - and she uses many of the same EXACT worded phrases. It was almost scary reading it and I had to wonder, are we cousins???

It's always amazing how 'they' love us more than we could know, and they know more than we could know and they know that they know that they know. We are the ones who they feel are misinformed and ignorant of God's ways and rules, but they aren't interested in opening their minds to what we think or how we feel. I think this type of response (your mom's letter, my aunt's letters/emails) is definitely a case where their fear overwhelmingly takes over the love they have for us. It's somewhat fear of our salvation or damnation - but the main fear is the loss of their own salvation.

Jamie, what a great retrospect - it's true, they are victims also and while we need to stand up for ourselves and our principles, we also need to be compassionate, patient and keep them in our prayers.

awediot

05-03-2006, 07:18 PM

Your measured, loving response is indeed an inspiration. I am sorry for the useless pain that your mom holds so tightly to and spreads around in the name of love. As extreme and ultimatum sounding as her words are, it seems you have heard them all before and anticipate a pendulum swing back. I am sad for the hurt to you, but sadder for her. The slices of God she is sacrificing so much for are confounding and demanding ones... She's harming herself more than she ever could you. Your gentle and firm answer back to her shows you understand this well and are on the best path possible at the moment... Can't help but imagine the look on her on face when you stroll up to her in Heaven..."Surprise!" Hopefully she comes around long before then...

Mia14

05-03-2006, 09:42 PM

I'm so blessed that I have you to learn from, Nathan.

pnggrad79

05-04-2006, 09:07 AM

Prayers are with you, my friend. I am so sorry that you have to deal with kind of spiritual terrorism from your family. You are not alone in this struggle, however. :pray:
I loved your response. It was brave and straightforward. I hope you do show up at the reunion proud as ever that you are an authentic Christian and servant of God. I pray that your family sees you as that above all the rest, and learns to accepts you as you are, not who they want you to be.

NathanATX

05-04-2006, 09:28 AM

I forwarded a copy of her email to her "boyfriend" (he's been like a dad to me since I was 12 and loves her... but she has issues with marriage--divorced twice).

He responded with. "I love you. I'll see you at the reunion. Alan."

That guy is awesome. :)