Speak the Truth in Love

[merlin2921]

I'd like the input of some of you on a problem I'm working through involving my family. I come from several generations of Christian pastors. (Father, grandfather, great-grandfather and great-great grandfather were all pastors/priests, in either the Evangelical or the Anglican traditions.) I am also a lesbian, as I have recently come to accept. The problem is likely immediately apparent to all of you.

Now, I love my family, so I don't want to be needlessly offensive to them. (I realize, of course, that I'll have to be somewhat offensive by default, given that they believe homosexuality is an abomination.) However, I also refuse to back down once I've begun to take this on. So do any of you have any advice/experiences that are helpful in how best to come out to a family in the religious right? (Note: I still consider myself a Christian, but I now believe Christ's church is wrong about condemning homosexuality.)

[BenL]

I'd like the input of some of you on a problem I'm working through involving my family. I come from several generations of Christian pastors. (Father, grandfather, great-grandfather and great-great grandfather were all pastors/priests, in either the Evangelical or the Anglican traditions.) I am also a lesbian, as I have recently come to accept. The problem is likely immediately apparent to all of you.

Now, I love my family, so I don't want to be needlessly offensive to them. (I realize, of course, that I'll have to be somewhat offensive by default, given that they believe homosexuality is an abomination.) However, I also refuse to back down once I've begun to take this on. So do any of you have any advice/experiences that are helpful in how best to come out to a family in the religious right? (Note: I still consider myself a Christian, but I now believe Christ's church is wrong about condemning homosexuality.)

Merlin,

I don't have advice, since I haven't been in the situation you have. I could rattle off other people's stories that I've heard, but that wouldn't be constructive. People should tell their own stories, and I'd like to hear more of yours.

Generally speaking, don't prejudge the outcome of your relationship with your family. Some will surprise you and be supportive, or at least try to understand. Others may cut off relations in the short term, but it may be fear of the unknown more than rejection of you as a person. It might be helpful to establish a support network outside of your family, so you have people to turn to if things become difficult.

I wanted you to know that someone had read your request for help. I'll be interested to read replies from people who have experienced what you're going through.

[pnggrad79]

Merlin,
I come from a long line of pastors too, and as the daughter of one, I know where you are coming from. I fell in love with a girl when she was 16 and I was her 10th grade History teacher and 27 and pregnant with my first child. Now, before you start to think something went on inappropriately, it didn't. I spent the next 12 years running like hell from her, but couldn't get over her. When she first made love to me, 12 years later, I thought I died and went to heaven. By that time I had been married for 19 years. Needless to say, I left my husband and moved in with her and came out to my parents, and family. We got married in Canada in 2004. My family is not ok at all with it, but they are beginning to realize that she is a part of my life and not going anywhere. After 21 years knowing each other, I can tell you it has been a long road, but we have been together 10 years now, married 5 of them, and life is good. My two girls are now 21 and 18 and are big supporters of us and I still haven't told my ex. He has probably figured it out.

God loves you and would not want you to live a lie, and marry someone you don't love. I am glad you have accepted it. Don't ever go back into the closet. It was miserable. Don't spend your life hiding or denying who you are. Get out there girl and find yourself another girl to love.

[antiochian]

I'm not what you would call a wise soul, but here are some thoughts.

There are a few who just sort of come out "all at once," or to a large number of people in a short time. The scene from "Queer as Folk" in which a lesbian couple comes out at a relative's wedding comes to mind (although my counselor would say such major events are not the best time to do this).

Most of us, I think, start with a few close family members and friends, and see how that goes. At a later time, you may consider distant family, coworkers, etc. Whether you choose to do this in person or through a letter is your decision. Each of us is different.
Most of my immediate family I told in person, others I wrote letters to.

Perhaps simply ask one or a few close relatives (parents, siblings, etc.) to talk. My advise would be to speak from your heart. Tell them of your emotional pain, of your spiritual conflict, of your fears and so forth. Before you do that, maybe take a bit of time to search your heart for the right words, to pray about things, too.

The first person I came out to (other than a priest in confession)was a close friend when I was 19. (I'd known I was gay since around 12). A few months later I told my closest family members. I came out in phases, over a period of years, to various people.

However, how I came out may not be what would work for others. I had a very intense coming out experience just a couple months ago. It was immensely hard, but afterwards I felt such relief, even blessing for having done so.

There were those who immediately accepted my sexuality, no qualms. Some it took a matter of years to come around, and some still are in denial.

More than anything, have hope!

[taminator]

Fortunately, I have a very accepting family. Except my grandmother, who was a Southern Baptist. I absolutely adored (still do!) her. She passed away when I was about 30 years old, before I came out. I still wonder what she thinks... I believe that being on "the other side" she's aware of how she thought here on the earth plane was wrong. But until I get there and am able to talk to her, I'll still wonder.

[scott snedeker]

If you met somebody new, how would yoou introduce yourself?

I can see by your example here that you, at least in this instance, come out with your true self.

You Honor me with honesty. This creates openness and opportunity for sharing.

So why do you not honor your family members similarly?

I have no doubt that your answer is similar to the ones that we have all had:

Fear, fear of being inadequate because you were taught (falsely) that you are a worthless deviant for having capacity for intimacy with you own gender.

Capacity to Share intimate love is a beautiful gift. There is another of God's children who He also created with this gift who needs you. And when the two of you meet and make love He will smile like a parent watching his children opening a gift on Christmas morning.

Fear-based decisions have always been disasterous for me.

One challenge I see is letting go of the "Generations of pasters" part of your identity. This seems a facet of your identity that you have adopted. It is Self judgmental to the point that being honest with your family makes you "offensive".

That's not very self=loving. You are entitled to love. If you can let go of this and claim your identity of your own divorced of this facet you can be kinder to your heart. To do so may require time away from Family to nurture and grow self love.

I left home at eighteen (I'll be forty-five soon), and even then it took me eight years to come out. I came out over the phone, 900 miles away. By doing it this way it was abstract for my folks and my self. This allowed all of us time and privacy to adjust. When we met again for the holidays four months later, a lot of the shock and sting had faded.

Letting go of the barriers to self love is a constant struggle for me. If I sacrifice and betray my heart, it grows cold, empty sad. lonely and weary.

When I let go and let in love my heart grows and blossoms. Sharing Love with others then magnifies inner peace and love. For me this is the strongest enlighten-ment. Lighting up my spirit occurs through sexual sharing of spiritual energy. I became a Druidic Pagan. I honor my being and creator with sharing sexual love. I name the connection between all living things the Forest Spirit, which is sensed by humans as love. Druidic pagans honor the forest spirit by connecting sexually.

I have also adopted the daily Buddhist practice of meditation cultivating mindful awareness of forgiveness, lovingkindness and compassion and follow the Dharma (essentially a path of honesty, kindness and nonviolence).

This helps me love myself and helps me not struggle with myself by not judging in any way and honoring my heart with kindness, love and appreciation.

Thank you for joining and invititng me to share. I would love to hear more of your growth

[tdogg]

I was raised in a strict pentecostal household, and it took 45 years for me to accept myself. I came out a few years ago to family and friends, have lost at least one friend and no longer speak to an aunt I was very close with, and an uncle that I was close to as a child. I have a stepmother who can't abide me, a disabled father I rarely see, and a sister who I believe is trying but it's difficult for her. I haven't see my niece and nephew in over 3 years. But I have a lot more friends and family who love and support me for who I am. So, for what it's worth, here are a few things I've learned:

It took me 45 years to get to the point where I accept and love myself, unconditionally. It very likely will take years for my family as well. I am also open to the possibility that some may never come around.

Baby steps. For me obviously, and for them. My sister visited my home (and wife) for the first time yesterday (we've been living together for nearly 4 years now), before my two sisters took me off to SF for the day. Baby steps are ok, they are better than no steps at all.

I am happy in my life, I am an activist and outspoken. I have no problem shouting to the crowd. But I do have a problem being assertive on behalf of myself, to my parents/family. I tiptoe and try not to hurt anyone. I would love to say *&#@ it! but I can't. And I think I'm ok with that, especially because my assertiveness is improving and I talk about it with my wife a lot.

I would never have chosen this, but given that I am a lesbian, I would never change it. I'll take the bad, because the good is so much more significant. I love my wife and wouldn't change a thing about our relationship.

Your family will likely take it really bad, maybe not so much when you first come out (they will probably be shocked) but the more they think about it, the more they may be negative towards you. But I promise you will feel a huge relief to get the burden of telling them off your shoulders. And you will have much work to do. It will be quite a coming out process for them also. I don't really have any recommendations for help them though, my family won't address it for the most part. Books have gone in the trash. Words are not spoken. I am not overly welcome.

I still have hope. Keep fairly busy with activities towards equality. So when you have a focus, you can deal with the negative better. It's for the greater good, and makes me feel good. And that helps a lot.

Well I hope the things above are helpful. It's not easy, rather very very difficult. You would probably benefit from a lot of prayer and meditation. And no matter what, never ever ever let anyone take your faith away from you. No matter how hard they try.

Good luck, and many blessings! :love:

[merlin2921]

Thank you all so much for your advice. ^-^ I feel better already!

I think I'll take it very slow, as I have been. (It's been over six months since I accepted the fact I was a lesbian, and so far, four close friends know, and one accepts it.) I might even save coming out to my family until after I've found a girlfriend. Somehow, that just seems right to me.

[Daniel]

Thank you all so much for your advice. ^-^ I feel better already!

I think I'll take it very slow, as I have been. (It's been over six months since I accepted the fact I was a lesbian, and so far, four close friends know, and one accepts it.) I might even save coming out to my family until after I've found a girlfriend. Somehow, that just seems right to me.

For going around ful circle- as it were. After a year's time, you may see thing differently, that is, with more understanding.

Like Tdogg, I grew up in a Pentecostal household, and have the awareness that the mindset of that world is not something that is easily given up, and by that I mean the animus towards those who are gay. There is great fear around the matter.

It took my family a long time to deal with my being gay as well as my having a boyfriend. I came out and started my first relationship all in one fell swoop. Not a good or bad thing per se, but it did raise the stakes somewhat, making everything pretty dramatic. :rolleyes::lol:

So- if you can dole out things- as it were- in a way which helps you and those around you, so much the better. However, one word of caution: a partner cannot protect you from your family (not that you are suggesting this btw!). In fact, you will find that you will need to stand up for your partner as far as your family is concerned. Whatever happens, having a supportive group of friends is very necessary. You are going to need them if- and when- the shit hits the fan.

You may also find that your acceptance of yourself isn't a concrete matter, but rather, something that is fluid, coming in waves, receding and advancing. And that's to be expected. Finding oneself take time.

Sounds like you are in a good place right now. :) Keep on keeping on!

:pray:

[merlin2921]

So- if you can dole out things- as it were- in a way which helps you and those around you, so much the better. However, one word of caution: a partner cannot protect you from your family (not that you are suggesting this btw!). In fact, you will find that you will need to stand up for your partner as far as your family is concerned.

That's exactly why I would want a partner first. I'm not very good at standing up for myself - never have been, but I rabidly fight for my friends and loved ones. And for a girlfriend, I'd step in front of a train. (Even the train marked My Upset Family. :p ) It would give me that much more motivation to hold my ground.