It's been so long, hasn't it?

[Poetic Awakening]

Dear Friends,

Wow. I haven't been on these boards since 2006! SO much has changed, but so much has also remained the same (if you know what I mean).

Back then, when my story started, I was able to come out to a few friends. That seemed to take a lot out of me, with being so nervous and such about how the closest friends in my life would respond. Well, I never felt abandoned; however, I feel like some people just wanted to accept the way things were, and forget about it, move on or something. I guess for some people it's easier to accept it if they don't really have to think about it that much. Can't expect everyone to be a miracle worker though! lol

Well, just the other day, I stirred up the past, and finally told my dad about everything that was going on back then. You see, I let them in on some of my problems (like depression, cutting, loss of faith), but I never told them why. I guess they just chalked it up to the stress at school, as I was sort of bombing my college debut. And it turns out, my dad, one of the ones I was most worried about, was so glad I had told him. He felt we were closer, and that felt great. Because even though he won't probably ever want to talk about "it" ever again unless it comes up, he accepted me from where I was coming from. And that's what I needed. Which brings me to the next part...

At the climax of all my problems in '06, I met a wonderful young woman. And right from the start, it was easy to see that we were falling in love. I could tell her everything. And I did. And she was okay with it, though she worried a lot for my well being. Well, that was in July/August of '06, and in December we were engaged. I didn't really see it coming. I had just recently decided that I was a young, bisexual, confused little boy, and now I am marrying the girl of my dreams... things just keep getting complicated, though. **In good ways, and in bad ways. Keep in mind the relationship isn't a bad way!

June of '07: I decided to join the military. Wha-What? Yup. I needed a steady job, as my fiancee and I had been living together since that last November, and also, we needed to start saving for our wedding ceremony. We were dreaming big, if you can imagine. Like, Disney big.
So that October I went off and joined the Marines. I figured I was steady now, with my mental state and with my sexuality. I never forgot I like boys, but I figured since I was happy with my then fiancee, I'd be fine.
And I was, for the most part. In basic training, you don't really have time to think. Not even in the shower, which is what I was a little worried about. So I made it through all that okay. The first three months becoming a Marine... check. Now I just have to do some weapons and field training, and go learn my job skills. Problem was, I received a serious injury 8 days away from graduating what they call MCT, and was put on medical hold for 14 long, hard months. I think I lost a little of my sanity there.
Oh, I forgot to mention that my fiancee and I got married right after boot camp.
So we're married now, and she hears I'm hurt. We're both scared, because in the beginning, you don't know what's going to happen. She did eventually move to the town I was stationed in, so we could see each other on the weekends. And pretty much only on the weekends for 14 months, unless I took leave. And I did only three times, one of which was for our wedding. It was great by the way.
Now let me explain this. I got hurt, two weeks to see a specialist. Then two more months before I had a confirmed diagnosis. Then four more months before I started any therapy, so now we're six months in. Tried the pain pills out, almost got addicted, so I quit them and just deal with the pain... and it's ALOT of pain. For months. About one more month, I get put on a medical board, and then it's just waiting, getting more tests, till I finally get discharged on about my 14th month there. On my 11/12th month, my wife decides to join the military. Yeah I know, right? Unexpected. But it works out. I ended up getting retired before I could even get a job title, and my wife and I get stationed overseas.
Oh, wow, it's May of 2009. Where did all the time go? That's what I was thinking when I was talking to my dad. I thought I was growing up, working things out back then. Then the next thing I know, what do I do? I find the best way to suppress all the progress I had made (which wasn't much, but it was some). I didn't even realize it. Now I have a conversation with my wife about a month ago regarding a friend of mine, and the bisexuality comes up. Somehow, she got the impression it was just a phase. So I tell her, it's not. And she's cool with it, but now she has to think about it again. She thought she was safe (I assume?). She Accepted it, dealt with it when she needed to, and was able to forget about it for nearly 2 years. I guess I did the same thing. But now it's come up again, and I realize I am still confused, and am still conflicted. Because now I have made this image of how I figure I should be in a marriage, even when both parties know of the others orientation, and have this habit of suppressing all those ticks, all the little nuances.
To be honest, I didn't hide them all that well. But being around homophobic men almost 24/7 for over a near year and a half makes you used to it, hiding it. I will admit, I was called feminine a few times. Not sure if I should have been flattered by that or not! lol But I have this complex, and now I am cautious on how to talk to my wife about it, if now is a good time, because we sort of threw it out there in the open, and then went on our merry way, ignoring it because I had to, for my job.

I guess I just needed to vent a little. I can't talk to the same friends I did last time, because things change. At least this board is still here! I love you guys and all that you do for people. It's really inspiring. And I know this is long, but believe me, there's a ton of stuff left out. So take this as the abridged version, if you can believe that, and please feel free to offer your advice/stories if you'd like ;)

Sincerely,
Poetic Awakening

[Gennee]

Welcome to Soulforce, Poetic. You have an interesting intro and I read it all. I pray that you can work through some of your confusion. Have you sought the resources of a therapist? You will receive more responses here very soon.

Gennee
:wave::love:

[Poetic Awakening]

I did, on two separate occasions. They were sort of chosen out of necessity, not really because of their method or approach, but because they were what I could get to when I needed them. Over all, the help was minimal. One was a "religious counselor", I guess I could say, and he helped me with issues of faith, and accepting who I am because God surely does. But I could tell he didn't want to focus on anything to do with same-sex orientation, or my coping methods, or anything very specific, other than how I thought about God and myself. That did help, as once that mess was cleaned up, most everything slowly followed. But that wasn't helping me integrate into life as a bisexual, but somebody who felt great when talking to a counselor. Life isn't a counseling session, though.

The other guy was a jerk, who used the approach of, "well you like girls, right? Believe me, you don't want to be gay. It's really hard this day and age to be gay and blah blah blah." The only thing he helped with was salvaging my college semester and with some of the depression. I never really talked about a lot of stuff in the sessions that I probably should have, as these men were almost leading it to stay away from that. Much like my friend did (as I mentioned in the first post).

Haha I think it's clear I have issues, and not just from being bi. The military screwed me up a bunch, and I never deployed! I had a really bad experience that spurred off from a freak accident, though, so I am not saying joining the military is bad!! If you can handle it, go for it. But with me, I have a lot of baggage that I can't really just throw out in the open. Because we couldn't talk to chaplains or doctors without getting a 'diagnosis' (which would follow you the rest of your life, even after the military), and without screwing up my discharge, which was for a legitimate injury.

But I can reconcile God and me. I can do that at least. And I can deal with my old friends and family. They treat me alright. It's just I can't be "out" with it, because even though I am, for the most part, I seemed to have sub-consciously created a lifestyle of avoidance. And to talk about it directly makes my wife and I fight, because then she gets fearful of me leaving her, or trying to cheat with a man, no matter how much I try and tell her its just not like that. And it seems the more I think about it, the more I notice little things that are driving me crazy about her. But I think that's because we've been cooped up together for too long. In the military schedule I had, we only saw each other for about a total of three months out of over a year's time. We had many breaks, and I was used to looking forward to seeing her, like it was something special every weekend. Now I am looking forward to a break! lol It'll come soon enough, and then I'll miss the hell out of her. Things are just complicated right now. And another thing, would be she might worry about me when she's going to be gone for months at a time. I'm not a hundred % sure she really thinks like that, but she does make jokes, jokes which I let her know I feel somewhat offended by, but that might be her way of "coping" with the idea...just brushing it off as a punchline, not really taking it as reality, but as a phase I just went through or something. And when I told her it wasn't, we fought and she made accusations (or at least thought them). Oigh. See what I mean? I need a vacation. I'm a little too high strung :p

**The accusations wren't full fledged, mind you. I was mad at her, feeling jealous because she had a bunch of new friends who were guys, and was acting in a way I wasn't used to. Not a bad thing, but then, I was worried she was changing from who I knew she was. So my being jealous, she brought up the fact I had a friend over every weekend (just so I could get off-base, as we couldn't go alone). But we were good friends. However, she made a joke, and I responded seriously, that I would never do anything with him, we're just friends. That's when she realized it wasn't just a phase. Thought I should clarify**

[Daniel]

It's just I can't be "out" with it, because even though I am, for the most part, I seemed to have sub-consciously created a lifestyle of avoidance.

Poetic- Welcome back to the Forum. I think you are saying something very important above.

You are in your 20's, right? That seems to be the time of life when our 'self' is in a formative stage, very different to one's teens and later, one's 30's and 40's.

I get the sense that your are reaching out to others on this forum because you may not have anyone who you can process things with. As such, I encourage you, when you are able, to work with a capable therapist. As you've figured out, they aren't all alike. Simply put, you need to find someone who understands - or can understand- what you are going through.

You may have to shop around to find this kind of therapist. But if you can do so, it may be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Reading your post, this thought came to mind: either we deal with things or they deal with us. Avoidance only makes the day of reckoning more difficult. As such, things really do catch up with us if we keep our heads in the sand. Oh...it might take months, years, and even decades, but things have a way of catching up with us.

Simply put, you may find it hard, if not extremely difficult, to suppress your desire for another man for the rest of your life. How do you deal with that? Well. That is up to you.

You can't do this alone big stuff alone. You need help. Please keep reaching for help. It will find you if you keep at it.

[Poetic Awakening]

Thanks for your advice, Daniel, Gennee. It is tough to "suppress", and I understand that isn't healthy, no matter what it is that I am suppressing. I realize there's no point in hiding from it, though absolute indulgence really wouldn't make me happy either. All things in good time. I do see a benefit in seeing a good therapist, though where I am now, they are pretty much nonexistent. I'll keep an eye out, but you guys might have to stand in to hear me vent and rant and talk freely with :)

Poetic

[Daniel]

I do see a benefit in seeing a good therapist, though where I am now, they are pretty much nonexistent. I'll keep an eye out, but you guys might have to stand in to hear me vent and rant and talk freely with :)

Hope you can find qualified support- that is- a person (therapist) who can help you deal with things.

This issue is personal for me: the couple's therapist that my husband and I saw this past year for 8 months pretty much made all the difference in saving our marriage.

We all need someone to talk to!

[Poetic Awakening]

My wife and I had a big talk today... it was tough, it was hard, but it was needed. Unfortunately, the statistics aren't good for people coming out and keeping a marriage. Yeah, it happens. And if you have any links to articles, I'd love to read up on them. But we talked, and addressed our fears, and thank God we are both willing to try. To try and hold on to something we both love, each other, and take on these challenges one at a time when they come up. I'm not too worried that my wife won't be able to satisfy me, but rather that I won't be able to give her what she needs as a woman, as a wife. I wish I could give that guarantee. But I can't foresee how the future will unfold. And it scares me to death. Does anyone know of anything that helps them get through dealing with the issues of being married or in a relationship and physically and emotionally wanting a relationship or encounter with another sex? I know a therapist would help. I've thought about it, and I might try one of the many chaplains in the area, but who knows how that will go. And my wife and I wont have much time together in the near future. It's going to be rough. And I personally think it's not much different than seeing another girl and resisting that, but for some reason it's harder than that simple scenario. Maybe I'm making it that much harder, but I wouldn't mind hearing other people's opinions. I'm not sure what to do to "fix" everything, but I'm not going to give up on this.

Thanks,
Poetic

[Daniel]

Poetic- I could be dead wrong, but most chaplains are not trained to deal with your situation. My view is that the most effective way to deal with this kind of thing is over the long term, with your partner and a qualified therapist. Someone who has experience working with matters of sexuality. Simply put, you need someone with knowledge and skill, not faith. You already have that. ;)

If your wife is leaving soon, then the best thing might be to get start counseling with someone until she get back.

Taking care of yourself is also taking care of her. Please don't forget that.

Great that you talked things through!

[Poetic Awakening]

Yeah I agree with the lack of qualifications. But being in a foreign country, we don't have the resources as we did. If we decided to talk to one, he'd have all the resources on hand, that are available. However, we haven't decided on that yet. Obviously the most important thing is to work together. That should be first, especially since our options are so limited. Thanks, Daniel. You're giving a lot of good advice, and it helps a bunch :)

[Daniel]

Yeah I agree with the lack of qualifications. But being in a foreign country, we don't have the resources as we did. If we decided to talk to one, he'd have all the resources on hand, that are available. However, we haven't decided on that yet. Obviously the most important thing is to work together. That should be first, especially since our options are so limited. Thanks, Daniel. You're giving a lot of good advice, and it helps a bunch :)

Ah....gottcha. I was thinking (for some reason) that you were in the US. If you are not, then your resources may be more limited. Sounds like you are hoping a chaplain might be the 'go to person in the situation. One question: does simply talking about this to someone open you up to Don't Ask Don't Tell stuff? I can understand why this might be a concern. Also, do you have any access to someone resembling a social worker? Good ones can be extremely helpful. They know how to work the system.

[Poetic Awakening]

Well, with don't ask, don't tell, I'm not sure if that applies to me right now, as I am no longer in the service. But being a retired veteran, I'm not sure. Good point, though. I will have to look into it.

[Jennifer5]

If this isn't a love story, I don't know what is.

Your (and your wife's) desire to work through things as they come up is amazing. You must really love one another. I think you're smart to fight to keep such a relationship. As long as you can both be happy together, I think you have found something special. :love:

Vent here anytime, we do whatever we can to support one another. :love:

[Poetic Awakening]

Thanks Jennifer5.

Sorry, for the late response though. I have been without internet at my home for weeks. But all should be good now. Thank all of you for your support.