The Laughter Between the Tears

[LordHuxtable]

I endured two hours of a religious debate with my parents and upon realizing that I was not the completely Christian boy they had brought me up to be, it brought us all to tears. They said that they lost me along the way. I felt relieved but it pained me to see them disappointed. Now I have a window into what things'll be like once I come out.
I don't want to keep such an important life of my part a secret, but I know that if my parents were so downtrodden by me telling them I had a spirituality outside of Christianity, imagine when I tell them I'm gay? The family, I know, will be split down the middle--part for me, part against. My big sister knows I'm gay and accepts me wholeheartedly. It doesn't even faze her. My other sister, and my big brother don't. I have nieces and nephews, a sister-in-law, a spectacular grandmother, three aunts and a host of 1st, 2nd, 3rd and even 4th and 5th cousins from both sides of the family, but I...I just don't want to lose a group of people that are such an integral portion of my life. They're the focus of most of my love and my devotion. I have friends that love and support me (most of them being queer) but to lose my blood relatives simply because they refuse to see past their own judgments and reservations and extend a loving arm to me is, literally, more than I can handle.

I figured I'd come out via letter. A long letter explaining everything I don't have the strength to say. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Daniel]

You are not alone in what you are dealing with. It seems that the more religiously conservative one's family is, the harder it can be to come out to them. It just goes with the territory. But you already know this.

Coming out to your parents via letter is not a bad way to do it, especially if they have a space of time afterwards. I would think about firming up your support system before you put pen to paper however. You are going to need your allies close to you when the time comes.

But you know what? In a way, I think you already dropped a huge hint. Many parents already 'know', but are in denial. And De-Nile is a big big river. It goes on and on!

Don't be surprised if you parents tell you that they already know what the deal is. Perhaps not right away, but after the dust settles. (It took mine about 5 years!)

Whatever you do, or how you do it, please be good to yourself. If your parents have questions about the Bible and all that, if can't hurt to have some material ready for them. But I would refrain from arguing and debating matters. If they really need to have questions answered, they will go on the journey to find those answers- just like you did. ;)

And that brings out something important.

When you come out to your parents, you will have lived with the idea for a while. And even if they 'know' about it, your telling them will mean that they are dealing with it as you did, from square one. And just imagine all the stuff you went through. It was a lot, right?

This doesn't mean they get to act out and be stupid. If they do...well...they are damaging the relationship they have with you. If worse come to shove, be sure that you have material matters taken care of (like where you live etc etc). And if you depend on your parents financially, I would NOT tell them until you are able to take care of yourself.

Wishing you all the best!

[BrianB]

I agonized over coming out to my parents for a long time. When I finally did it was in a letter written to each of them. (They are divorced.) My "coming out" letter was modeled on a fictional letter in Tales of the City (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tales_of_the_City). Mouse wrote a letter to his parents that said a lot of the things I wanted to say. I can highly recommend Tales of the City. It is a wonderful book and television miniseries. Reading the book may help strengthen your resolve as it did mine. In any case it is a fun story.


BrianB