A Gap Between Old Friends

[antiochian]

Howdy all,

I've had a somewhat interesting experience recently. I found and messaged an old friend on facebook, and he wrote me back that he was eager to renew the friendship, and gave me his number.

This guy is gay and Catholic, and we used to talk a lot back in the day about religion and sexuality. We shared similar views back then, as I was Catholic for awhile before going Eastern. We struggled together with faith and the fact that we loved men. I considered him a close friend and kinda wanted more, although I'm long over that now. Last time I talked to him was in '01, and he was in a relationship.

So, I look at his profile, and find out he is now a raging conservative, supports Prop 8 and other bigoted legislation, and is now not a Catholic, but a super-Catholic. :eek: He's basically a repressed, self-hating gay hiding behind fanaticism.

I imagine he will surely pee himself when he sees my profile. Needless to say, I've changed as well, and we have little if anything in common now. So, the whole reason for this story is to ask whether you think this friendship is salvageable based on sheer sentimentality, or should I not even bother? Perhaps similar things have happened to you with friendships.

My instinct says call him and give it a chance. Talk little about religion or politics. If he annoys me too much, then politely cut the cord and move on. Funny how time changes people, and creates gaps where there was once commonality.

[Rick336]

He's basically a repressed, self-hating gay hiding behind fanaticism.

He doesn't sound like he'd be much fun to be around.

Besides, If you haven't talked to him since 2001, then it doesn't seem like a very close friendship to begin with. Unless you can find a good reason that this friendship will somehow benefit both of you, then it sounds like a lot of wasted energy.

Rick

[Pablo Rafael]

Jefferey,

I think that friendships are always worth a try. You might find that there is no longer any meaningful connection between you, but you will never know without trying. I personally would make contact though I probably wouldn't put a lot of emotional energy into the relationship.

And my experience is that oftentimes those who are most conservative and most bigoted are closeted gays. Maybe a friendship with you would help him gain a more inclusive view of the world.

Pablo

[Jennifer5]

I'm 18 now and I just got together with a friend I hadn't seen in 6 years, I thought we would live in different worlds and have nothing in common but we still got along pretty well.

A good friendship is valuable, I would have to advice giving it a chance. You may regain a good friend or you may end up right where you are now, without him in your life. Plus, your instincts tell you to call? Do it. :love:

[tdogg]

My first instinct is "screw him". But I'm learning, with the work I'm involved in re: faith outreach, sometimes we have to reach out and touch those who we might not feel like touching, or we feel will be useless to try.

Plus, think of it this way. Perhaps it's not so much that you need his friendship in your life, but that he desperately needs you in his. That could be why your paths have crossed again after so long. Don't be discouraged if he doesn't seem to be open to discussing the issues (equality, Prop 8, etc.) with even a slightly open mind. You could just be the planter of seeds, and someone else coming along will help him to get the seeds to sprout.

It's our job to do what we can to change minds, one heart at a time. This could be one of 'your' hearts to help change.

:love::love:

[bnmoore]

My instinct says call him and give it a chance. Talk little about religion or politics. If he annoys me too much, then politely cut the cord and move on. Funny how time changes people, and creates gaps where there was once commonality.

Instinct or intuition? I started wearing my ID on a gay flag lanyard a couple of years ago at work. It may not have changed the way others acted towards me but it sure did change the way I acted towards them. One of my co-workers had a "God Hates Fags" web site open one night and the only thing I said was "Nice calligraphy". It turns out that his father is a minister in the very faith in which I was raised. We started talking and now we are pretty good friends. Sometimes you only have to mention that Jesus himself taught non-judgmental, unconditional love. Jesus didn't start a church, that came later.

You could spend a little time discussing the two gentlemen pictured above the "Soulforce" logo above.

Ben N. Moore

[antiochian]

We did talk, and it turned out as I pretty much expected. After getting caught up on each other's lives, he asked me about my religion. He proceeded to tell me how he hopes I get converted, and will do what he can to see that happens. An then he gave me an enlightening speech about how the gay extremists are trying to destroy marriage, the family, society, and the universe. He texted me after the conversation and said he felt conflicted after talking to me (and I really let him have it).

At this point, I feel the friendship could be poisinous for me, and see little benefit that can come of it--although I did apparently get him thinking...

[tdogg]

...which is a seed you planted for possible open-mindedness in his future. If you feel no reason to continue the friendship, then by all means you shouldn't. But see, you did plant the idea, the doubt, that opens the possibility to his view being wrong.

[BrianB]

We did talk, and it turned out as I pretty much expected. After getting caught up on each other's lives, he asked me about my religion. He proceeded to tell me how he hopes I get converted, and will do what he can to see that happens. An then he gave me an enlightening speech about how the gay extremists are trying to destroy marriage, the family, society, and the universe. He texted me after the conversation and said he felt conflicted after talking to me (and I really let him have it).

At this point, I feel the friendship could be poisinous for me, and see little benefit that can come of it--although I did apparently get him thinking...

If you feel like the relationship is just too toxic for you then you will have to cut it off. However, if you believe he can be reasoned with then perhaps the friendship is worth saving. It's up to you whether or not you want to endure his conversion speeches.

I had a similar situation on Facebook. Several people I knew from my christian high school are on Facebook. One of them is a UCC youth pastor and very accepting. Another person tried to convince me to repent of homosexuality after I wrote about marching in the Pride parade. Some of my friends surprised me with their openness.

[scott snedeker]

We did talk, and it turned out as I pretty much expected. After getting caught up on each other's lives, he asked me about my religion. He proceeded to tell me how he hopes I get converted, and will do what he can to see that happens. An then he gave me an enlightening speech about how the gay extremists are trying to destroy marriage, the family, society, and the universe. He texted me after the conversation and said he felt conflicted after talking to me (and I really let him have it).

At this point, I feel the friendship could be poisinous for me, and see little benefit that can come of it--although I did apparently get him thinking...

Your needs are your first priority. I suspect he is hiding behind his conservative christian because he loathes his own GAY nature.

Toxic is right! If you were told all your life that you were a worthless inferior "nigger" and your friend's church bans "niggers" from marrying good christian whites and he wants you to convert to his church (because he passes for white).

Then the only safe response right now that doesn't betray your heart is:

"Go [forth and procreate with] yourself" and why!

Just as you did!

I'm proud of ya!

[drobs]

I'm 34. When I was outed, back around age 22, some of my Christian friends stuck by me and are still my close personal friends today.

Some told me that they could have nothing to do with me. Those people are not my friends anymore nor will I ever associate with them again. I never used to hold grudges but I do now as an adult.

If I were you, I'd move on. Sometime it's good to see what old friends are up to but now that you know, don't waste your time. Life is too long or too short, to waste your time with this guy.