So I opened up a little more, finding it a little easier to breathe.

[Poetic Awakening]

Life is unpredictable. But sometimes you need to heed the 'road signs' along the way, if you will.

I have mentioned on here a bit of my story. And so, in keeping with the times, I figured I would update as things went along. Firstly, my wife and I finally came to a point where we couldn't really keep from saying what we both really felt, and sort of ended up embracing the sheer vulnerability that we both are feeling. I thought that might have been step one, but it in itself seemed to take so much out of the both of us just to get there. And then she had to leave for her work, leaving me pretty much on my own in a place I hardly know. So I decided to take the time focusing on some much needed self-introspection. But what I found brought me again to my knees, and my throat to fear's jagged edge.

Ever since I can remember, I had all of these mixed thoughts and desires for things little boys aren't supposed to have. And time after time, I found myself wanting to be a girl, and crying, asking God why He made me a boy instead. I used to always ask Him to work a miracle, in that I could just wake up a girl and everything would be okay.
All through my adolescence I regularly had the desire to wear girl's under garments instead of what I was traditionally brought up to wear. At the ages of 6-7, I would resort to smuggling some of my mother's, as there were no other girls in the house. But I was found out, and awkwardly lectured that that sort of thing wasn't the thing I should be doing. So I tried some of my dad's that looked like some of my mom's, and funny story... I was wearing a pair of red shorts to bed once, and since the underwear didn't fit, it fell down inside them as I walked to my room, being exposed through the leg openings. Felt like a laser beam was staring though the back of my head. :p Around that same time, I tried it again, with my dad's, but didn't know the doctor was going to give me a shot. So it came time to put the needle in my thigh, and once again, I was awkwardly lectured, by the nurse and by my aunt.
But where there's a will there's a way I suppose. Many, many times when I was left home alone (in my teens), I would find myself wearing my mother's lingerie and trying on her heels. I don't know what I was thinking when I did these things, you know, like what made me decide that it was a good idea to risk it over and over again, but it felt "right", if that word can ever really be used properly when describing sexual tendencies and orientations and identities. It is what it is.

Well, I never got the guts to buy anything once I got a car and could do things on my own. I, in a way, sort of though by then that the days of pulling my hair back in the mirror, and putting on hair accessories, and trying to pose in such a way as to look like a girl were over--even though I still did it on rare occasion. But I never seriously thought about it. It was just something I did. Much like how I felt toward boys. I don't know. But in effect, I suppose my wanting to resemble the feminine form, and to actually be that which I pretended sometimes, is why I grew somewhat obsessed over the female form. By eleven and on, I was always sneaking in porn when I could, and pleasing myself while thinking up strange fantasies. Fantasies that started with my having intercourse with a woman, and then later being that I was the woman. That aspect was always in the back of my mind. Even in my wildest 'wet dreams', if you will.

But this behavior, keeping in mind that by 14 I was so uber-religious that it wasn't funny anymore, was the sin and the defect that I used to bully and lecture myself to death with, in that this was why God didn't love me, and this was why I wouldn't ever do anything right to His or my parent's standards, and why I was in such turmoil to begin with. He was punishing me. Or so I thought. And I believed this brutal lie until I was nearly 20. When I finally understood that what I felt inside was not just some phase or play-pretend game. It was real. And that is when I came closer to death than I think I ever did before, though I contemplated it many times from 11 and onward (due to the porn and other activities; "lust" if you will). That's when I quit leading worship for a few groups in my church, and that's when I quit feeling loved and accepted, and that's when I started self-harming.

There was a sick cycle that went on for nearly a year, during which I saw two counselors, and pretty much flunked out of college. Class Valedictorian to F's in Algebra. For the longest time, I could not love myself for who I was. But after I while, I started to warm up to the idea. And then I met my wife, and life turned around drastically. She saved my life, no doubt about it. Then there was the military, the injury, the wedding, and the familiar feelings of worthlessness and disgust. But that's not the point of this story.

Things were good pre-boot camp, and I was still playing with the idea that I could actually accept who I was. I had a good handle on how I felt about it. And once my now-wife moved in together, it was soon realized that I had a strange fetish. But by this point, she knew how I strange I normally am, and just simply asked me not to put hear clothes on. I did anyway, and luckily she just laughed it off light-heartedly. In fact, having a "resource" I didn't really have before, I wore her clothes very frequently. Some not-so-forward articles such as a pair of jeans or a leather coat, and a few t-shirts. The underwear was reserved for behind closed-doors, and on my day off from work (I was usually by myself). I was already shaving my legs and growing my nails out just before we started dating, so that wasn't an issue really.

But pretty much when I decided to join up, everything was in 'suppress' mode. And that lasted for nearly two years, practically undoing what little progress I felt I had actually made. So here we find the hero of our story, who just realized after 22 years of feeling that certain way, that I not only like both girls and boys (which has created the initial fear and insecurity in my marriage) but also, I have strong personality traits and psychological characteristics and continuous patterns of behavior that lend themselves over to the most feared and avoided ideas and feelings of my sexuality, over to the "dark side" if you will, of the possibility that I just might be a transsexual. Oh, and what happens once I realized this? A light turned on. Everything still sucks, but at least life starts to finally makes sense. I don't know why I feel or am the way I am, but that's just how it is. I've been trying to avoid it for over a decade, and having been fortunate enough to rediscover this about myself at my age, I would be a fool not to remain outside of the suppressive and destructive realms of my trying to just fit in and be normal routine.

So I tell my wonderful wife the truth, out of desperation (because some not so healthy coping mechanisms were trying to kick in) and I'm not sure anyone could be more supportive than her. Granted, I don't know what the hell I am going to do about all this (aside from actively seek some sort of therapist), and I don't know that in five or ten years from now, she or I will feel the same way about our marriage. Of course, I would love more than anything to say to myself and to her that it'll all be okay and we will never have to worry about saying goodbye, but that sort of thing is too soon to tell. But for now, I breathe deep and relax, knowing that at least the first hurdle in this adventure is out of the way.

[Daniel]

Poetic- glad you came back and posted.

You made me remember something: when I was about 8-9, I dressed up in my mother's clothes that were in a storage room. There was lingerie there. And I was fascinated with it. Around that same time, I fell in love with Julie Andrews. Wanted to sing like her. Wanted to be her.

What brings these things about? I don't have an answer for that other than I think it is just who we are. But my sense is that there are many of us who aren't on the straight and narrow side of the tracks.

I sometimes think about the little boy that I was back then. And how torn up I was. Why? My parents found out about my fascination with my mother's clothes and what had been a joy turned to fear. I got the message, loud and clear, that there was something wrong with me. Now I understand that the only thing wrong about the situation was the load of crap that was dumped on me. More enlightened parents would have gotten me into theatre and not made a big deal about it. But of course, that didn't happen.

The dark stuff you are alluding to? Well....you made a smart move choosing to talk about it. Bravo to you for that. Yeah....definitely. Keep working this through with someone.

Peace to you,

D

[Poetic Awakening]

Daniel,

What I was alluding to with the "dark side" was more or less to denote the hopelessness, the sheer and utter abandonment that in my mind, will follow something like this situation if brought to light. I know that isn't true, but for so long, that's sort of how I thought about it. I could be gay or straight or whichever way, just as long as I fell on one of the sides of the tracks at least somewhat closely.

Thank you for sharing your memories. I love hearing people's stories. It gives me that warm and fuzzy, and I know that I'm not the only person with rainy days. And Julie Andrews had a wonderful voice. Timeless, some might say.

Tomorrow I am going to give a ring out to a local branch of 'counselors'. It should be interesting to see how that goes. I'm not expecting to find someone that is experienced with the issues I face right away, but if anyone is going to have any knowledge of the resources available where I am now, I think they will. If absolute worst comes to worst, I could travel back to the states for extended stays at a time. It's just insurance. I have it, but how the hell will a military insurance company address paying out for specialty care like this? I will have to wait and see.

[Jennifer5]

Poetic, I think you're very strong to be so honest with yourself and your wife. Keeping these sorts of things to yourself can be very harmful, which you clearly already know.

I've never been in a situation like yours before, but I have been in situations where I was scared to death. No matter what I tried, the fear wouldn't go away. Finally, it was brought to my attention that there was nothing wrong with feeling scared and vulnerable. That realization was the greatest gift, once I allowed myself to embrace how I truly felt everything made more sense.

Keep us updated, we love you. :love:

[scott snedeker]

Sweetie you sound like an Archtype Radical Faerie! Not only are there thousands of Radfae folks just like you, your creativity of identity will absolutely dazzle them! You would make an absolutely fabulous Radical Faerie!

It's a shame that so much of your vital creativity has been wasted when it can be celebrated!

But it doesn't need to be any more! Honey!

Definitely check us out! I have no doubt that you are even much more of a Radical Faerie than I am! And just didn't know it yet!


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_Faeries

http://eniac.yak.net/shaggy/faerieinf.html

http://radfae.tribe.net/ (You'll find me on this one!) Ash Phoenix

www.radicalfaeries.net/radicalfaeries/sanctuary.htm

http://gayspirituality.typepad.com/blog/glbtq_history/

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[Poetic Awakening]

Thank you, all of you who are always giving encouraging words and advice. It really helps keep to them spirits up.

However, really early this morning, I saw my wife log onto facebook (she is nine timezones away in the states right now). We start talking and this and that, the usual married dialogue. Then the 'issue' is brought up, which is good because we need to talk about it. And then that's when I realize that things aren't as happy go lucky as I had assumed. Sure, she can accept that I am bi, but wants me to stop thinking about liking men. Sure, she can accept that i might be trans, or at least a cross dresser, but only if it's done in complete secrecy and in the privacy of our own home. And she doesn't want to raise kids with me until I figure out where that is going (which I agree with).
But pow, there it was. My wife wasn't really accepting and as open-minded as she originally was putting off. It's almost like she tried, hoping that once she did, my explorations would stop and things would go back to zero, back to normal. She said that there is no way she could be with me if I decided gender was a strong enough issue to change. She couldn't handle me dressing in public, or even taking part in any transition process, except that which would put our marriage 'back on track' and more resembling of our relationship during our first two years.
My heart was broken, seeing how my issues were breaking her's. And then it just went on, to a passive aggressive assault on why I couldn't ever be happy with her and with being a man, and why I had changed, and this and that. I was tired of fighting very early on, because nothing I would say could change a damn thing. We can't be together now, and it hasn't even been a week and she's tearing me apart, making me out to be an ungrateful, selfish bastard who needs to make up his mind immediately, because she can't take this 'not knowing' business. And then we seriously hint toward the very definite probability of divorcing if she can't handle my attempts at happiness with myself. She even asked if I thought I could be happy living as a woman... something I feel is too early on to jump to decision making on. But the final straw was this: "I bet, you don't even love me."
How the hell can you say something like that? I refuse to cheat on our marriage, and I do the best I can given the situation. Yes, there were two times recently that I couldn't be aroused to finish during sex, and yes, I explained that some days I am attracted to men, other days to women. It's like a hydrogen bomb went off, and everything has changed so much, when in reality I am finally not hiding this inner turmoil that i have had my whole life. She thinks that if I ever decided to transition, she would lose the person she fell in love with, as if I wouldn't even be the same hard-wired person underneath this skin and bones facade. But after she made that comment, I regrettably retorted back with "well if that's the way you feel, you can keep your bullshit to yourself."
I logged off, unplugged the phone, and ran up to my bed to get some sleep. It was nearly 4 am. I hadn't slept since 2-4 am that previous morning. My teeth are aching with my grinding them nearly incessantly. I have no appetite. And the only motivation I can hold onto is that in the pursuit of bettering myself. Of not playing the games anymore. I'm not suicidal. I haven't been for a long time. But I am starting to see why trans people have one of the highest death rates. I am starting to remember why I was so very afraid of the possibility of being trans. I would seemingly lose everything I care about at the stake of my own personal acceptance and happiness (if happiness is something to be attained like that, which I think it is not). I started to cry, but I knew that sleep was the best thing for me at that time.
Then I am woken up by my wife's supervisor, calling my cell, and asking for directions to my house. That's when I realize I have 35 missed calls in 2 hours, and people about to be knocking at my door, who only know that my wife called them distraught (after calling a bunch of other people to try and get a hold of me). So I rush upstairs, slightly ticked, and scrub off the make-up I had worn last night to practice a little with. I clean up the house a bit, and take a deep breath before i call my wife. I now realize that my problems are slowly being broadcast for me, despite my caution. I made up with my her after they had left, and frankly, feel utterly ridiculous. I have lost my foundation, and wasn't even aware it was slipping until it was too late. And for some reason, all I want to do to cheer myself up, is to go shopping for a dress and some lingerie out of sheer rebellion. Maybe even some heels, who knows. But shopping or eating chocolate (which is my usual release) won't make things any better. I am being forced to play my hand before I am even done reading the rules, so to speak. And no, I can't read her poker face :'(
I am tired, and reluctant to feel any better about myself so soon, afraid I will be disappointed again rather abruptly. I feel like screaming it out to my parents, my brother and my sister, even a few friends from back home. And once the dust settles, sticking with whoever was left. I used to love pretending as a kid. I played with my action figures until I was like 14. But I am not a kid anymore, and these games aren't that fun to play all by myself. :(

*As a final note, my wife and I have decided that even though she doesn't know what or how much she will be willing to accept, we will work with the small things she knows that she can do. This situation is eating the both of us alive, whether we like it or not. I am trying to get in to talk to someone, hoping to find the resources I actually need, though I am still a little doubtful on that fact. So bear with me. I don't really have anyone else I can talk freely to.

[Poetic Awakening]

SO....


Today, I have broken through this rut I have been in, and the situation is already looking a lot more positive and hopeful. I was able to speak with a chaplain who, surprisingly, was not only very understanding of the situation, but he also could relate as one of his brothers is gay and married. But I walked away with an understanding of where I had erred in this relationship, and having been reminded that our love languages are quite different from each other. So I have put on the brakes, pulled to the side of the road, and decided it was time to start paying a little more attention to that beautiful, young woman sitting in my passenger seat. For Lord knows that not only would I be hopelessly lost without her, but that the trip wouldn't have the excitement that she brings with her spontaneous and unexpected detours. Like spending New Year's in Time's Square, or finally going to Disney World for my first time. Or just being genuinely happy without having to try any elaborate what have you. Somehow, when we let it, it just happens naturally. And I think I've been trying a little too hard this past month and a half. Life isn't really all that bad when you take the time to look at it with fresh eyes, and more times than not, every little fuck-up has worked itself out, given a little time and patience.

So here's to learning to fall in love with the one you are with a little more each and every day. If it's really meant to be, sometimes you just have to let it.

Thanks for your sounding boards!

[BenL]

Transgender American Veterans Association (http://www.tavausa.org/) is a small organization but a tremendous resource. The webmaster is a friend of ours, and if you contact him through the Web site or his group, Mike's Transgendered Planet (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheTransgenderedPlanet/), he probably knows more about resources for people exploring their own trans status than anyone I know personally. He's a veteran himself and has deep awareness of things having to do with veterans.

[justanotherpagan]

Oh my dear, I have no sage words of wisdom for you and can only say that should you need it I will gladly listen. I have a niece who has come to the point that she can admit to herself that besides being bi she is also transgender. Her father has taken it fairly well, but her mother is struggling with acceptance. (They both accepted her bi-sexuality very well.) I have become my niece's sounding board and she is planning to move in with me for the rest of the summer, to give she and her mother some breathing space.

That being said, I applaud you on the courage it took to realize you needed to be true to yourself and will hold both you and your wife in my thoughts as you work through the issues that have been raised. I hope you both find love and acceptance of each other and yourselves as you step into this new phase of your relationship.

[tvmt]

oh brother...how awesome that you have made it to this point. Its hard to be in that tough place but if we keep our faith we will make it thru...realizing that we are children of God. We have an inheritance to God as a beleiver in His son Jesus Christ. ooooooooh yeah...check this prayer i have for you.........
Dear God, I come before YOU as YOUR child, claiming my inheritance to YOU as a believer in YOUR son, JESUS CHRIST. (the power in HIS name) I ask now that this spirit of discontent depart from me & be replace with a spirit of love & contentment. I ask that I:dove: have YOUR love & that it be a part of my daily living....IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST

[Poetic Awakening]

More and more often I am amazed by how supportive you guys and gals can be. Thank God there is a place like this when one's friends and families aren't quite ready to take on that role. Thanks!

[Poetic Awakening]

So it's been a little while. I tooled around looking for other support groups, message boards, etc., but that isn't really what I'm looking for at the moment. And lo and behold, as some suggested, after deciding to take it 'slow' with my situation, it did come around to making it feel like things were being ignored. My wife understandably feels like my CDing should be done in private, even away from her, and I can already sense that she's still hoping all of this trans business is just a phase. I guess I was hoping for the same, but it isn't that simple. Nothing is ever that simple.

It hasn't even really begun, and I am already wishing it was over. This might single handedly prove to be the hardest thing I will ever do. I'm still looking for that "easy" button, but I'm afraid those are only in the commercials. And when we fight it, things only seem to get harder.

I don't mean to come on here after a couple weeks and do nothing but whine, so that is enough of that. I just needed to get this off of my chest.

[Daniel]

And life isn't a bowl of oatmeal. But the analogy breaks down as soon as I write it: I love oatmeal in the morning. But then, mine isn't simple. I cut up apples and fry them in butter and then pour some maple syrup into the pan at the last minute. Then a tiny dusting of powdered sugar. It's a little bit of a production, but worth it.

Life seems simple, but it's really a grand MGM production number: now there's a really good analogy. Someone once wrote that we create our own movie called life. We get to produce it, star in it and write the script. Makes sense to me.

I'm sorry that your wife can only see you playing your part in only a certain way.

It may be really hard going through the process of dealing with all this. However, I can tell you that not dealing with it will, in the long run, making things that much harder. There are somethings that time doesn't heal.

I've been through months and months of therapy. It was hell, but it was also worth it. I started meditating in earnest which really helped me a lot. It gave me a center- or a core- to rely on. Oh...I'd been sitting on a cushion for a long while already. But when push comes to shove, the tools that give our life some steadiness become all that more necessary. So- the question is: what do you have in your life that you can count on? What is going to help you get through this period in your life? It may turn out to be the best friend you could ever have.

[Poetic Awakening]

Wow. I really liked your analogies. They make a lot of sense. And you're right. Finding that pillar is going to be crucial. I can already see that.

Music has been that as of late, and thank goodness I received our home goods yesterday. My guitar was slightly out of tune, dirty, and in need of some new strings, but it still manages to strike those chords in my soul, that help me get over some things that I like to over analyze. It'll take some work, but it'll be playing like new in no time.

The truth is, with or without therapy at the moment, all I really can do is be myself. And I say that over and over, but it's taking a bit to hit home. Part of me wants to make everyone happy, and it always has tried to do that, but since 2006 I've learned that this cannot be done. I don't know why I still hold on to that. All I can do is learn what is going to make myself happy (not to say it is something external, but rather getting to a place where I can be at peace with the chaos within, I suppose), and stick to my guns. College is coming up. That might go well, as idle hands are the devil's playground, so to speak.

But dressing up is more than a cheap thrill. It's more than a release. More and more I am coming to terms with it, and what this lifestyle would mean, and though it's scary from this distance, I only feel at home in its strange sanctuary. I don't really consider it a 'condition' as it has come to be found as, but more or less the natural order and flow of life. I don't really care to explain the hell out of it, dolling it up with scientific jargon until it is more a sterilized mass than anything else, but I do read as much as I can. All I can do is accept it. The hard part is what to do after that, I think. It's the hard part for me, at least.

Thank you, Daniel, for your reply. It helps a great bit.

[BenL]

Poetic,

As the spouse of a transsexual, I know a little bit about what you're going through ... and a lot about what your wife must be experiencing.

But, then, I don't know much about crossdressing. I do know that most crossdressers are male and heterosexual, and wear women's clothing because of the way they feel while they're dressed en femme. Most crossdressers ... not all. (Women have such freedom to wear male clothing that there doesn't seem to be a parallel group of crossdressers among females, except for drag kings, who dress for performance or entertainment.)

The difference between simply crossdressing and feeling misembodied, as it were, varies with each person. If you feel more and more like you should have been born a woman no matter what you're wearing, you may be transsexual. Whether or not physical/medical transition from one sex to the other is the right thing for you takes serious introspection, most often done with the help of a capable gender therapist. The way medical practices are now set up, gender dysphoria is listed as a mental health diagnosis that requires a release from a certified therapist before a person may begin taking hormones or having surgery.

Remember, too, that gender identity and expression is about who you feel you are, not about who you are attracted to. Sexual orientation has to do with whom you love or are physically attracted to. You may be trans and be straight, gay or bisexual.

[scott snedeker]

But, then, I don't know much about crossdressing. I do know that most crossdressers are male and heterosexual, and wear women's clothing because of the way they feel while they're dressed en femme. Most crossdressers ... not all. (Women have such freedom to wear male clothing that there doesn't seem to be a parallel group of crossdressers among females, except for drag kings, who dress for performance or entertainment.)



"A boy in a dress is just a boy in a a dress! But a Drag Queen is a gay man with just too much style sense to be limited to one gender!"



--Miss Noxema

I think it is just fabulousness needing expression! Manly duds are there but they are so limited when it comes to flamboyance! --at least in westen european culture. You are fabulous and outrageous on the inside so show it off! Honey! Then see who is attracted to the real fabulous you!

BTW I have realized recently that my age 45 hair just needs some help! It is time to shop for a fabulous wig!

"These drag queens are dangerous! Or fore-fathers weren't like this!"

"I don't know much about but our fore-fathers, but they had some fabulous wigs!"

To Wong Foo--"Thanks for the memories," Julie Newmar

[BruceChris]

BTW I have realized recently that my age 45 hair just needs some help! It is time to shop for a fabulous wig!

Some years back, I went to a meeting of The Girls, sponsored by an enterprising young woman who was selling wigs. I tried on one that she suggested, and went into the ladies bathroom to check myself out. (That's the one with the full length mirror.)

I loved it. I said, "Woman, you are definitely a hairbringer of things to come."

OUCH! . Bruce Chris

[Poetic Awakening]

I guess the hardest part for me right now, aside from a lot of the confusion I feel about the whole thing, is how my wife is handling it. I don't want her to be forced into having to like it or whatever, but I really don't know what I can do to inform her and make her feel a little more at ease. She views everything, my bisexuality & transsexualism (using titles here to clarify), as personal attacks on her womanhood, legitimacy and personal value. When it comes up, it is clear that she feels like she isn't enough to satisfy me, and I don't know how many times talking leads to fighting and many many apologies afterward. I feel like I am unable to really verbalize everything properly, and there is no way to not hurt her when I try to talk with her about it.

We both try different approaches, but with us being apart right now because of her job, it is so difficult to not have it end in disaster. And not talking about it has its way of eating me up inside. And she knows that not addressing it won't help, but she is comfortable with that for now, at least until we can talk face to face and with a little more ease. But god, it's like trying to recite the Gettysburg Address without the use of every third consonant. It all just comes out plain wrong. :(

And the inability to really explore anything for my own consolation and mental ease/clarity is driving me up the wall. I have no friends here, that is, no one I actually talk to on a day to day basis in person, unless its a cashier or someone at a reception desk. And any one else available are all my wife's coworkers. Which, by the way, she is very nervous about them 'finding out' about me, for a slew of reasons I can only assume. So yeah. It's like a rock and a hard place.

But thanks for your posts, as I am always open to new ideas and advice. :)

[BruceChris]

Ideally, that would mean American M2F transpeople, of your age and general background. Christine Jorgenson had to do it on her own, but why make things any harder than you have to?

BC