need advice..

[a_buzz]

i'm 20 years old .
attended private catholic school for 9 years .
very conservative family living in kansas .

& recently i have come out to my parents .
it has been hell . my mother says i am going to hell .
that she'll pray for me for the rest of her life .
that i am a sexual deviant . that i am an abomination .

my & girlfriend & i have no idea what to do .

they will never accept me , neither will my grand parents .

[Jennifer5]

First of all, welcome. You have found a supportive group. :love:

For what it's worth, we all feel that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. God loves you. The GLBT community supports you.

Do you have a PFLAG (http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2) near you? From what I hear they are a very supportive group.

[Daniel]

i'm 20 years old .
attended private catholic school for 9 years .
very conservative family living in kansas .

& recently i have come out to my parents .
it has been hell . my mother says i am going to hell .
that she'll pray for me for the rest of her life .
that i am a sexual deviant . that i am an abomination .

my & girlfriend & i have no idea what to do .

they will never accept me , neither will my grand parents .

Hi- welcome to this forum.

My parent's said really crappy things to me too when I came out to them. I figured out- eventually- that is was their fear and religion talking. I think I was the first gay person my mother had ever known. And what you don't know you can be afraid of.

You are still the same person you were before you came out. You know that. But your parents are going to need some time to figure that out. It may take awhile. Years in fact.

Are you still living with your parents? Is so, that can make things very hard, especially if you are financially dependent on them.

First things first. You need to take care of your physical safety. Once you have a handle on that, then think about gathering a support system of friends around you. You are going to need them. Only having your girlfriend to lean in will put too much pressure on your relationship. And if it is available to you, get some counseling. Talk to someone in 3 D. Find out about PFlag in your area. They are a great resource.

If you are a church goer, find a welcoming congregation and make them your allies. Talk to the people there. The more people you reach out to, the better.

You may be in for a rocky road for a while. Just hang on, and try not to argue with your parents. If you have other family members that are affirming, keep in touch with them. They can be a huge help.

And most of all, find time everyday to get quiet, find your center and core. This will get you through this situation more than anything. And know that you are loved.

Peace to you!

[a_buzz]

Thank you Jennifer & Daniel .

Just reading what both of you had to say made me feel a little better . I have surrounded myself with a great group of friends which are helping me get through this every day .

I guess i'm impatient , & I wish things could be how they used to be with my family , but in reality , I just have to wait it out .

I bought "Stranger at the Gate" & the science & bible pamphlets , so when my parents want to talk again about this , I will have some reinforcement .

& Yes I rely on my parents financially - that is also where I am stuck at . I think it would be very helpful if I were to move out on good terms & let them think & be away from me . My mother would miss me so much , but I think it would do a lot of good...

[Jennifer5]

Thank you Jennifer & Daniel .

Just reading what both of you had to say made me feel a little better . I have surrounded myself with a great group of friends which are helping me get through this every day .

I guess i'm impatient , & I wish things could be how they used to be with my family , but in reality , I just have to wait it out .

I bought "Stranger at the Gate" & the science & bible pamphlets , so when my parents want to talk again about this , I will have some reinforcement .

& Yes I rely on my parents financially - that is also where I am stuck at . I think it would be very helpful if I were to move out on good terms & let them think & be away from me . My mother would miss me so much , but I think it would do a lot of good...

Keep us posted on how things go, we're here to support you. :love:

[BruceChris]

You haven't mentioned exactly where in Kansas you are. There are many more resources available in larger cities. The main resource for gay Catholics is Dignity,USA. PFLAG is great, but it's only in the cities, or online.

Http://www.dignityusa.org

EDIT: http://www.welcomingresources.org/usa.htm

The Institute For Welcoming Resources has a large number of interesting and useful things to read. On their home page, you will see pictures of their staff. Rebecca was my former pastor.

On this website, go back to one of the main pages, and read "About" and "Resources"

The Episcopalian national gathering recently accepted gays for congregants, ministers, and bishops, and most of the larger Protestant groups have, too. Unfortunately, this does not help you, much. See "Green Light on Gay Clergy", on "Faith and Non-violence"

Your parents need top learn that being gay is not a choice, that being gay is a lot more normal than they realize, and that they know a lot more gay people than they realize.

Gay people are NOT: people that live in San Francisco, hide in dark corners, prey on children, and can change if they just find the right church.

It is absolutely wonderful that you have friends to support you.

Good Luck, Bruce Chris

[tdogg]

Glad you found your way here. :love: It's really hard when our parents don't support us. I know. I have some family who I don't speak to anymore, some I haven't seen in quite a while, and a sister whose house I'm not welcome to be in. Sometimes we talk, but never about me or being gay.

It is very sad, but you are doing the right thing. Surround yourself with people who support you and love you just the way you are. Being a GLBT person is a special thing. We tend to be more loving, kind and compassionate, because we've experienced the opposite plenty.

Don't let anyone put you down for being you. You are a special and beautiful person, whether others see that or not. I'm glad you are here. You'll find encouragement and support, and friends.

[BruceChris]

This is a connection to the Catholic Pastoral Committee on Sexual Minorities website. This is another resource to support gay Catholics, and help them to learn that they are exactly as God made them, and that you have nothing to be ashamed about. The guy who runs it is Michael.

http://www.cpcsm.org.

Or for a woman led site:

http://www.whosoever.org/

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[Gennee]

Hi Buzz and welcome. It's great that you're here. God loves :love: you as you are. Jennifer and Bruce mentioned some good sites you can research. Keep us posted. We're support and pray for you.

Gennee
:love::pray::rainbow::wave:

[zahndervan]

Hey,
I understand. My parents reacted badly and my mom followed me around the house for over a month, Bible in hand, crying, and saying I was going to hell. It totally sucks. It seems like we have similar situations. If you ever need to talk, I'm a good listener. Good luck, and keep strong!

[kara speltz]

This is a connection to the Catholic Pastoral Committee on Sexual Minorities website. This is another resource to support gay Catholics, and help them to learn that they are exactly as God made them, and that you have nothing to be ashamed about. The guy who runs it is Michael.

http://www.cpcsm.org.

Or for a woman led sight:

http://www.whosoever.org/

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

Also, check out Fortunate Families, they're kind of a Catholic PFLAG. They're much smaller than PFLAG, but that's another thing to consider. PFLAG has chapters in just about every state. Their URL is:
www.pflag.org/

Fortunate Families is www.fortunatefamilies.com/

Also, here are 4 gay and lesbian saints and their brief stories.

Soulforce proudly proclaims the faithfulness to God of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people as demonstrated in the lives of but a few of the many holy men and women who have committed their lives to relentlessly doing God's work.



Fr. Henri Nouwen (famous author) , a gay priest whose spirituality has touched millions. Probably one of the most admired spiritual authors in the world, he kept the secret of his sexual orientation fearing that this fact might somehow make his amazing writing less acceptable.




Mary Moylan (Vietnam War resister) a nurse who in 1968 participated in the Catonsville Nine Draft Board action, which led to a series of draft board and corporate actions that awakened Catholic opposition to the Vietnam War. Mary spent many years in Uganda as a nurse/midwife prior to returning to the states to take part in this now famous act of resistance.




Fr. Mychal Judge (NYC Fire Chaplain) , a gay priest who died during 9/11 ministering and lived his entire life supporting the struggle for justice. Fr. Judge was deeply loved, admired and respected by firefighters whose gratitude for his years of devotion made his reputation almost mystical in their eyes.



Dr. Tom Dooley (Vietnam era naval doctor) , who risked his life during the Vietnam war years to set up medical clinics throughout Southeast Asia. Dooley authored three books about his time in Southeast Asia. He was dishonorably discharged from the navy in 1956 for his homosexuality.

Kara

[BruceChris]

in WWII, was later forbidden access to his former secret operations center in 1956, because he was discovered to be gay.

BC

[u-dog]

in WWII, was later forbidden access to his former secret operations center in 1956, because he was discovered to be gay.

BC

and subsequently committed suicide. Never mind that he probably single handedly shortened the war by at least a year and perhaps two and saved the lives of countless allied soldiers and civilians ... he's gay. He's disposable.

[Jennifer5]

and subsequently committed suicide. Never mind that he probably single handedly shortened the war by at least a year and perhaps two and saved the lives of countless allied soldiers and civilians ... he's gay. He's disposable.

"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one." ~Epitaph of Leonard P. Matlovich, 1988

[antiochian]

My family have struggled for a decade with my sexual orientation. Some never have accepted it, but I had a tremendous breakthrough with my parents this year. Those who advise you to be patient advise you well.

Questioning one's long-held religious beliefs is often unthinkable, the blasphemy from which there is no return... There is this irony within the belief systems of so many folks, who believe in a God of LOVE but who will nonetheless roast his innocent children for being gay, bi, etc. God could just as well roast left-handed folks, and blue-eyed folks... it makes no sense to me.

I take it your family has been swallowing for years what their church has told them. I'm sure they are conflicted right now--choosing between the Word of God and "our little girl" isn't easy, and that's what I think many of these parents feel they must do. Be hopeful, surround yourself with affirming people, and stand your ground. Blessings.

[a_buzz]

Everyone-

thank yall so much for the support and all of the positive feedback . reading everyones comments and suggestions makes me feel better each & every day .

I have a list of all the websites that everyone has been recommending, and am slowly reading each of them .

Also, I bought "Stranger at the Gate", and am slowly reading that as well .

My girlfriend got back into town yesterday afternoon & my parents knew about it . I still felt like I had to lie to tell them about where I was going . I don't think my parents are naive , but they had to have known that I was going to see her . They have been fairly understanding about it I think . My mother acted a little weird yesterday, but overall they aren't talking about it at all .

I just wonder if there will be a day that I will be able to hangout with her with my parents knowing? I feel like I am constantly going to have to lie about where I am going and what I am doing - another reason why I really want to move out of my house...

Thank you & keep the support coming! :D

What Would Jesus Say About Gay Marriage?
Nothing--because what really riled him was divorce.
Jack Miles

[zahndervan]

I just wonder if there will be a day that I will be able to hangout with her with my parents knowing? I feel like I am constantly going to have to lie about where I am going and what I am doing - another reason why I really want to move out of my house...


I felt the same way for a long time. It's double bind. If you tell the truth then your parents get upset, if you lie then your parents get angry because you lied. I've found that telling the truth is best. Even though it may seem harder at first (your parents give you glares or say no) at least you are being true to yourself and giving your parents a reason to trust you, which is MOST important.

[Daniel]

My girlfriend got back into town yesterday afternoon & my parents knew about it . I still felt like I had to lie to tell them about where I was going . I don't think my parents are naive , but they had to have known that I was going to see her . They have been fairly understanding about it I think . My mother acted a little weird yesterday, but overall they aren't talking about it at all .

I just wonder if there will be a day that I will be able to hangout with her with my parents knowing? I feel like I am constantly going to have to lie about where I am going and what I am doing - another reason why I really want to move out of my house...


That day has a good likelihood of happening, I would say. Not tomorrow perhaps, or next week. A lot has to happen for that to happen. It's a good thought to keep in mind- like a star of hope.

Telling them what they already may know could only add fuel to the fire. They may do the silly thing of projecting their fears onto your girlfriend- that is- try to make her responsible for you being gay. For me it comes down to this: take care of your physical safety first. If talking about your girlfriend to your parents is likely to get you thrown out of the house or get into an argument, just don't go there. It won't be worth it. And as you say yourself: they probably have it figured out.

I don't think this has anything to do with lying: but I bet could have everything about rubbing salt in a wound. Your parents may feel very wounded right now. They may be thinking about what they did wrong and all that nonsense. It's gonna take time for them to figure things out.

If they start telling you they love you anyway...well...that's a big thing and a good sign. Trust that they mean it. And tell them you love them too. Even if - as especially if- they aren't saying that right now. A little love can be just the grace that everyone needs right now.

[zahndervan]

I guess it differs from parent to parent. At first, when my parents knew that I was with my girlfriend and I didn't tell them, they associated her and homosexuality in general with lying. They didn't trust anything I said anymore and therefore refused to believe that I was really happy, or that I thought God accepted me, etc. So being honest with them and saying well I'm going to hang out with her actually helped. Sometimes it still causes an argument or two, but over all they trust me more now.

[BruceChris]

When I was dating L., my parents were positively impressed. She was attractive, personable, smiled a lot, and dressed well. She was also a pre-op transsexual.

But Frank was a different matter. He was a rising star in the tech world, but obviously a gay man. This brought a very negative response.

When I was dating K., the woman I would later marry, an incident occurred. She was slightly injured in a bicycle accident, and ended up in our upstairs bedroom. I went up to comfort her, and we fell asleep, She under the covers, and I, fully dressed, on top of the covers.

The next morning, my mother HAD A FIT. "But what will the neighbors think!!" I tried to explain that the neighbors had no understanding of what had happened, and that since my parents had been there the whole time, nothing improper could have happened. But she was sure that they must know, or at least strongly suspect. "But what will the neighbors think!"

This brings back a much older definition of "Sleeping" with someone.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[offog]

"Christianity is not about what you believe, it is about how you treat other people; - with God's love"

I love that quotation. Keep that one in mind. Maybe some day your parents will "get it".

One reason I like that quotation is because it kind of reminds me of my favorite motto: "What we desire for ourselves, we wish for all." That quote is from J.S. Woodsworth. He was one of those eeevil godless Canadian socialists, and was a Member of Parliament during the 1930s.

Soulforce is really great for moral support. I got into twittering on websites about a year ago. I go to all kinds of places on the Internet, but Soulforce is the site with the nicest people.

I wish you all the best! :love::love::love:

[Jennifer5]

I guess it differs from parent to parent. At first, when my parents knew that I was with my girlfriend and I didn't tell them, they associated her and homosexuality in general with lying. They didn't trust anything I said anymore and therefore refused to believe that I was really happy, or that I thought God accepted me, etc. So being honest with them and saying well I'm going to hang out with her actually helped. Sometimes it still causes an argument or two, but over all they trust me more now.
In many different situations with my mom, this has proven to be true. Honestly is always the best thing in my opinion.

........
The next morning, my mother HAD A FIT. "But what will the neighbors think!!" I tried to explain that the neighbors had no understanding of what had happened, and that since my parents had been there the whole time, nothing improper could have happened. But she was sure that they must know, or at least strongly suspect. "But what will the neighbors think!"

This brings back a much older definition of "Sleeping" with someone.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris
I can't pinpoint why exactly but I felt comforted by this. I guess it reminds me that love is what matters... sex is not this ugly thing that it can be made out to be. You were just sleeping together. :dove:

[BruceChris]

http://www.sisterfriends-together.org/

Which was formerly ChristianLesbiansTogether

EDIT: I only read their open postings, but I see that their newest member is
Zahndervan. My, but we DO get around.

Peace and Love, Bruce Chris

[zahndervan]

I can't go to a lot of parts of it, but I see that their newest member is
Zahndervan. My, but we DO get around.

Yes we do! :)
It has been a very helpful site so far!

[a_buzz]

I am no longer living at home .

My parents called my girlfriends parents Friday & told them everything . Then I went with my friends saturday & my dad threatened to call the cops on me if I did not give him my girlfriends parents cell phone numbers .
Then he threated to call her Athletic Director & report a homosexual on the softball team .
Then I finally went home Sunday & talked to them & they gave me the option of either staying @ home & living under their strict rules , or that I could move out of my house . My mom was calling me a perv & saying that she hated me .
I snapped & I packed up most of my things, while my mom was standing over, ripping up pictures of her & I & throwing the bible on the ground saying I wouldn't need it anymore .
My dad called my grandpa right after I decided to leave & told him that I am a homosexual & so my grandpa is no longer allowing me to work at his company .
I am jobless & carless & for the most part have no where to live . Also, I owe my univeristy $2500 by the second week in August.

[scott snedeker]

I am no longer living at home .

My parents called my girlfriends parents Friday & told them everything . Then I went with my friends saturday & my dad threatened to call the cops on me if I did not give him my girlfriends parents cell phone numbers .
Then he threated to call her Athletic Director & report a homosexual on the softball team .
Then I finally went home Sunday & talked to them & they gave me the option of either staying @ home & living under their strict rules , or that I could move out of my house . My mom was calling me a perv & saying that she hated me .
I snapped & I packed up most of my things, while my mom was standing over, ripping up pictures of her & I & throwing the bible on the ground saying I wouldn't need it anymore .
My dad called my grandpa right after I decided to leave & told him that I am a homosexual & so my grandpa is no longer allowing me to work at his company .
I am jobless & carless & for the most part have no where to live . Also, I owe my univeristy $2500 by the second week in August.

I am mad as hell at the cowardice of "Christians" You don't hear of Buddhist's betraying their children!!

This is a very difficult time sweetie but you have resources. IN general you may have a friend who can put you up for a week or two just for starters. Second there may be resources at the university. Counselling, work/study progams fro cash and tuition even emergency housing (Dorms and fraternity or sorority houses are empty in the summer) and contacts with organizations, food pantries.

My advice is to not contact your parents or family. The only thing they cann offer you now is more injury. They want you to betray yourself so that they can remain cowards secure in their pretend world that they won't burn in hell if they follow the "Christian rules"


Sometimes to make a break your need to get a new start in a new city. On the radical Faeires tribe on tribe.net there are many folk who have been where you are. If you post your situation there will be many kind folk who will open their homes to you. Tribe.net is free to create a profile and Radical faeries

The Short Mountain Sanctuary in Tennessee Is a Gay Commune who will turn no one away who needs a place to stay food to eat and healing love. The location is kept secret on the net so I will private mail the address and telephone # as well as my cell # To get there you need a map, a backpack and your thumb. They will provide the rest.

[Jennifer5]

I am no longer living at home .

My parents called my girlfriends parents Friday & told them everything . Then I went with my friends saturday & my dad threatened to call the cops on me if I did not give him my girlfriends parents cell phone numbers .
Then he threated to call her Athletic Director & report a homosexual on the softball team .
Then I finally went home Sunday & talked to them & they gave me the option of either staying @ home & living under their strict rules , or that I could move out of my house . My mom was calling me a perv & saying that she hated me .
I snapped & I packed up most of my things, while my mom was standing over, ripping up pictures of her & I & throwing the bible on the ground saying I wouldn't need it anymore .
My dad called my grandpa right after I decided to leave & told him that I am a homosexual & so my grandpa is no longer allowing me to work at his company .
I am jobless & carless & for the most part have no where to live . Also, I owe my univeristy $2500 by the second week in August.
OMG! :mad:

You must be scared right now! Your parents are crazy, I think anyone who kicks their kid out is crazy. I don't really know what to say. You have these forums for support, but keep your look for local support groups.

"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok... then it's not the end."

[zahndervan]

I am mad as hell at the cowardice of "Christians"
I'm angry too that they are doing all of this "in the name of God." Because they certainly are WRONG! True followers of Christ would never treat another human being like that, no matter what.

I am no longer living at home .

My parents called my girlfriends parents Friday & told them everything . Then I went with my friends saturday & my dad threatened to call the cops on me if I did not give him my girlfriends parents cell phone numbers .
Then he threated to call her Athletic Director & report a homosexual on the softball team .
Then I finally went home Sunday & talked to them & they gave me the option of either staying @ home & living under their strict rules , or that I could move out of my house . My mom was calling me a perv & saying that she hated me .
I snapped & I packed up most of my things, while my mom was standing over, ripping up pictures of her & I & throwing the bible on the ground saying I wouldn't need it anymore .
My dad called my grandpa right after I decided to leave & told him that I am a homosexual & so my grandpa is no longer allowing me to work at his company .
I am jobless & carless & for the most part have no where to live . Also, I owe my univeristy $2500 by the second week in August.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Anyone who can treat you like that does not deserve to be a part of your life. You are better than that. You are definitely in a tight spot but know that there are people out there that want to help you. I do agree that you need to cut ties with your family and get the hell out of that town. It is only going to make life harder for you and you certainly don't need that now. I'll be praying that doors are opened for you.

[turquoise]

no where in the Bible does it say or imply the things your parents say to you. Paul writes to us to "welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, to the glory of God." God welcomes and loves you just as you are.:)