Why people's hearts break

[Poetic Awakening]

So that's something I would like to know...

My wife and I just had the "talk". And I must say, it went well as far as us being able to communicate and everything. And I can only hope that we have more of the same types of talks in the future... but it's clear that we aren't going to get the sort of security we both want or need. Oh, by the way, I am transsexual. And in a heterosexual marriage. I am happy with that, but as I feel I am nearing that point to transition, at least on some level, things are both slowly and quickly tearing apart at the seems.

I try to give my wife some resources... but it all comes to this one thing. If I transition, she'll be losing the husband she married. And with her job in the military, it might not go so good. And we haven't even talked about how our family will take things. Not really important right now. But she feels that even though I won't change as a person on the inside, the changes that would necessarily occur on the outside (either with or without surgery), would push things into something she just doesn't feel she has the strength to deal with. How can I blame her? Simple... I cannot.

I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know the gist of what could be done, but apparently none of that is going to make a difference to how she feels. She has stated what she's comfortable with (which is only dressing in women's clothing while she is away, and no thinking of going out in public), and feels that those things won't ever change. She just doesn't feel she could be married to me, simple as that, with me being a transitioning mtf transsexual. But always as a friend, she has reassured. And I believe that. If I could bear that, who knows. Who knows if either of us could.

I just wish I could have discovered all this a little sooner... before things got so complicated. But it couldn't be helped. And so here I am, alone, and honestly, a little scared to talk to anyone else I know, in light of the reactions I might start getting. Maybe I want to lie to myself a little longer in the fact that I have amazing, accepting friends who always talk to me without me breaking my back to start a conversation... Maybe I don't want to really know how alone I am right now, as if I am really so blind.

But all I can do is keep walking forward. I just am scared to death where it is looking like they are going. Thanks, self, for the letdown. I'd much rather have my heart break, without tearing another's out of her chest. But its all wrapped up like that, like a dirty bomb that just can't be diffused. I guess we're going down together, before any of us are going to be looking upward any time soon.

[Jennifer5]

So that's something I would like to know...

My wife and I just had the "talk". And I must say, it went well as far as us being able to communicate and everything. And I can only hope that we have more of the same types of talks in the future... but it's clear that we aren't going to get the sort of security we both want or need. Oh, by the way, I am transsexual. And in a heterosexual marriage. I am happy with that, but as I feel I am nearing that point to transition, at least on some level, things are both slowly and quickly tearing apart at the seems.

I try to give my wife some resources... but it all comes to this one thing. If I transition, she'll be losing the husband she married. And with her job in the military, it might not go so good. And we haven't even talked about how our family will take things. Not really important right now. But she feels that even though I won't change as a person on the inside, the changes that would necessarily occur on the outside (either with or without surgery), would push things into something she just doesn't feel she has the strength to deal with. How can I blame her? Simple... I cannot.

I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know the gist of what could be done, but apparently none of that is going to make a difference to how she feels. She has stated what she's comfortable with (which is only dressing in women's clothing while she is away, and no thinking of going out in public), and feels that those things won't ever change. She just doesn't feel she could be married to me, simple as that, with me being a transitioning mtf transsexual. But always as a friend, she has reassured. And I believe that. If I could bear that, who knows. Who knows if either of us could.

I just wish I could have discovered all this a little sooner... before things got so complicated. But it couldn't be helped. And so here I am, alone, and honestly, a little scared to talk to anyone else I know, in light of the reactions I might start getting. Maybe I want to lie to myself a little longer in the fact that I have amazing, accepting friends who always talk to me without me breaking my back to start a conversation... Maybe I don't want to really know how alone I am right now, as if I am really so blind.

But all I can do is keep walking forward. I just am scared to death where it is looking like they are going. Thanks, self, for the letdown. I'd much rather have my heart break, without tearing another's out of her chest. But its all wrapped up like that, like a dirty bomb that just can't be diffused. I guess we're going down together, before any of us are going to be looking upward any time soon.
You don't want to hurt her, she will heal though. I think you're very fortunate to have her right now, she may be your wife but mostly she sounds like she is your best friend.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
You're taking the first steps, don't lose faith. You have us, you have your wife, you are loved. :love:

[Poetic Awakening]

Thank you Jennifer. She called back later than night (this morning for me), and things just went even more south, though we weren't really fighting. But she's in tears, unable to understand why this is something I feel like I have to do. And she feels strongly against being able to stay with me, if I went any further with a transition. For one, she thinks she isn't that strong, and she wouldn't want to bring a family up in that sort of relationship. No physical attraction, no longer a 'legal marriage', and therefore issues that would come up with her job in the future. :(

With how she feels, it just gets worse when she reads people's stories that are similar, and she just feels that she'd never be able to love me as a spouse if I were a woman. As a friend, sure (we hope), but nothing more than that. So that's where this has fallen. I'm the one ruining our marriage, and I'm the one breaking her heart. I'm the selfish one, unwilling to compromise on this issue. Why can't I be happy with just shaving my legs and doing my eyebrows? Why do I need to be a woman? These are things she keeps asking over and over. Nothing I say is helping, and I think we have decided not to talk about it for a while. She thinks that I've only thought about things in how they relate to me, and not our marriage. But I have.
There really isn't many different ways it could go. If it were a secret, behind our doors, that wouldn't be really helping me. If it starts like that, ok. But forever? That isn't a good idea. Her coworkers and command will have to do this... take a formal stance, and 'turn us in', or just accept it as is, and not say anything. My family will probably react like her. I'm not 100% sure. But if I can't live with them if it comes to it, I'd have to find someone to help me out, before I get on my feet. I'm not sure my insurance would cover counseling, as it is unrelated to my discharge. So I'd have to start counseling in the states, pay for that, while possibly having to live on my own. And then pretty much end up doing this alone either way. I have a few friends who are gay and lesbian, but they don't have any means to help out. So they might be there for me, but I'd still possibly be on my own. Maybe not. Maybe the folks or my brother won't worry about either asking questions, or if they know, not shun me away. People in the church are a no go, as its charismatic and full of mostly conservatives. I have friends there who would help with whatever, but if it came to this, I don't know.
So this isn't easy. My wife thinks I don't think about it. But I do, however, I don't like to focus on the purely negative. Not till I have to. I must say, I was full of wishful thinking when I told her. She now wishes I would never have brought it up. And that isn't going to change anytime soon. And me deciding to pretend is really not going to make either of us happy, whether she wants to admit that or not.
I receive a check, and could start supporting myself if I found a job to supplement until I am physically cleared from retirement (if that ever happens)... but I can't start asking people to keep an eye out without causing suspicion. And if I were to move back to the states for more than just a little while, my wife would lose the ability to have our house, and could be forced to re-pack all our stuff and put it into storage or something. Unless it was kept on the DL. But then that comes to her coworkers and command again. I don't think anything in our lives is safe from being hurt or negatively affected :(

[Jennifer5]

Thank you Jennifer. She called back later than night (this morning for me), and things just went even more south, though we weren't really fighting. But she's in tears, unable to understand why this is something I feel like I have to do. And she feels strongly against being able to stay with me, if I went any further with a transition. For one, she thinks she isn't that strong, and she wouldn't want to bring a family up in that sort of relationship. No physical attraction, no longer a 'legal marriage', and therefore issues that would come up with her job in the future. :(

With how she feels, it just gets worse when she reads people's stories that are similar, and she just feels that she'd never be able to love me as a spouse if I were a woman. As a friend, sure (we hope), but nothing more than that. So that's where this has fallen. I'm the one ruining our marriage, and I'm the one breaking her heart. I'm the selfish one, unwilling to compromise on this issue. Why can't I be happy with just shaving my legs and doing my eyebrows? Why do I need to be a woman? These are things she keeps asking over and over. Nothing I say is helping, and I think we have decided not to talk about it for a while. She thinks that I've only thought about things in how they relate to me, and not our marriage. But I have.
There really isn't many different ways it could go. If it were a secret, behind our doors, that wouldn't be really helping me. If it starts like that, ok. But forever? That isn't a good idea. Her coworkers and command will have to do this... take a formal stance, and 'turn us in', or just accept it as is, and not say anything. My family will probably react like her. I'm not 100% sure. But if I can't live with them if it comes to it, I'd have to find someone to help me out, before I get on my feet. I'm not sure my insurance would cover counseling, as it is unrelated to my discharge. So I'd have to start counseling in the states, pay for that, while possibly having to live on my own. And then pretty much end up doing this alone either way. I have a few friends who are gay and lesbian, but they don't have any means to help out. So they might be there for me, but I'd still possibly be on my own. Maybe not. Maybe the folks or my brother won't worry about either asking questions, or if they know, not shun me away. People in the church are a no go, as its charismatic and full of mostly conservatives. I have friends there who would help with whatever, but if it came to this, I don't know.
So this isn't easy. My wife thinks I don't think about it. But I do, however, I don't like to focus on the purely negative. Not till I have to. I must say, I was full of wishful thinking when I told her. She now wishes I would never have brought it up. And that isn't going to change anytime soon. And me deciding to pretend is really not going to make either of us happy, whether she wants to admit that or not.
I receive a check, and could start supporting myself if I found a job to supplement until I am physically cleared from retirement (if that ever happens)... but I can't start asking people to keep an eye out without causing suspicion. And if I were to move back to the states for more than just a little while, my wife would lose the ability to have our house, and could be forced to re-pack all our stuff and put it into storage or something. Unless it was kept on the DL. But then that comes to her coworkers and command again. I don't think anything in our lives is safe from being hurt or negatively affected :(
Wow, you have a lot going on.

I have a couple questions. How much longer will your wife be stationed where you're at right now? Is staying for a while an option in your mind? Which area in the states would you return to? Perhaps you can start researching different support groups.

She says that she wishes you didn't tell her, but not telling her would have been much worse... I have to agree that you did the right thing. :love:

[Poetic Awakening]

It's for a minimum of three years. And I could go back and forth when she's deployed I guess, but that would cost a lot of money on airfare.

My family is close to the Atlanta area. I really don't have family that I know I could go back to anywhere else, but I do believe there is a decent amount of support groups available there. I haven't thoroughly checked into it yet, just have noticed several things along the way.

And I know that she will feel somewhat differently about this after a while (hopefully better and not worse). It has only been a fairly short while since this all came up. All things in time, whether that means staying, leaving, or whatever. I know I love her, though. But she's beating herself up at not being able to accept it, too, and I try to let her know that it's okay. Because I can understand, even though it makes things extremely difficult on both ends. However, there is a lot going on. On her end, too. And let's just say the timing in some things in life isn't always ideal, but it is often times necessary not to just ignore them. I have been blessed to learn that much, even though a part of me would like for it to be that easy when things get tough to handle.

[BruceChris]

I am hearing that you need to explore your transsexual self. If you stay overseas, you and your wife will continue to make each other feel awful, and you will not be able to transition, much at all. And the military will find out sooner or later.

If you move back to Atlanta, you will have some family, but essentially none that will accept or support you transitioning. Atlanta has a trans community? Just what do you know about them? An important part of the support that you will need can come only from the trans community. At least that's what I have learned.

Or you can take a leap into the unknown. San Francisco has a great trans community, and it's a bit expensive. Minneapolis has a pretty good trans community. You probably don't have any roots in either place. If you want to explore your trans identity, you will probably want to start fresh, in a place with a trans community. (Yeah, I know, there's always New York, but at least for me, the idea of living there depresses the hell out of me. And it's expensive.)

I don't want to tell you what to do, I want to provoke a reaction. I see you as having three possibilities, above. What do you see? (And this is going to hurt you or your wife, probably both. I can't offer you anything, there.)

The Ball is in Your Court, Bruce Chris

P.S.: I KNOW that there are transsexual support websites out there,GOOGLE! But we hope that you'll stay in touch here.

[Poetic Awakening]

Thank you BruceChris,

I haven't really thought about starting fresh somewhere before. Considering how rough things are continuing to go with almost every conversation, despite efforts to focus on the good, and things unrelated to the issue, something does need to be done. We hope to try at least the couple's therapy options available here when she returns to the area, but I'm afraid we won't find any of the answers we're looking for. Mainly, because I am wanting to learn more about being trans and if transitioning is the right choice, and she wants it all to stop. Period. She says she loves me, but not the person I am becoming... and with these words I think things are becoming more clear, but unfortunately, I fear its a clarity much like the calm that comes before the storm.

Keep us in your prayers, and I will update when something progresses, as this is really one of my main outlets. You all help out so much. I really appreciate it. :love:

[Jennifer5]

Thank you BruceChris,

I haven't really thought about starting fresh somewhere before. Considering how rough things are continuing to go with almost every conversation, despite efforts to focus on the good, and things unrelated to the issue, something does need to be done. We hope to try at least the couple's therapy options available here when she returns to the area, but I'm afraid we won't find any of the answers we're looking for. Mainly, because I am wanting to learn more about being trans and if transitioning is the right choice, and she wants it all to stop. Period. She says she loves me, but not the person I am becoming... and with these words I think things are becoming more clear, but unfortunately, I fear its a clarity much like the calm that comes before the storm.

Keep us in your prayers, and I will update when something progresses, as this is really one of my main outlets. You all help out so much. I really appreciate it. :love:

Keep us updated :love:

[Poetic Awakening]

I will attempt to keep this sort, but we will see :)

Anyway, my wife and I have come to an understanding of sorts. Nothing has changed, really, as we both feel the same way about it all, but hopefully now the fighting will not continue when there's really nothing new to fight about over the phone. I am being optimistic here, but we have both agreed to try couple's counseling once she returns, if she has time to do so (as she leaves in January again). She doesn't want to see it, talk about it (unless its something important, like major), hear about it, and have anything to do with it if she/we can help it. She understands that I will dress and act the way I feel I need to when she is gone, but when she is here, she wants me to be her husband.
The way I see it, is that this is progress. If things have to end, I only pray that they don't end in such a bitter and painful way, again being optimistic. Even though the more I delve into my identity, the more I feel like this is the right decision for me, I still hope for this to go smoother than it has. Granted, it wont, but that's what I am hoping for. I am sure she is still hoping for the same, being that this all stops quick fast and in a hurry, but I really can't live that way anymore. The way I see it, is that I am tremendously blessed to have made it to this point at my age, where the damage to be done is rather not as bad as it would be, given I had a larger family and more financial burdens. Of course I could come up with all these pros to the story, but the cons will always be the hardest to deal with at this stage.

I will continue to update where I see fit, so stay tuned... And thank you all for the support and help you all have already provided, and continue to. I couldn't be more appreciative :love:

[Jennifer5]

I will attempt to keep this sort, but we will see :)

Anyway, my wife and I have come to an understanding of sorts. Nothing has changed, really, as we both feel the same way about it all, but hopefully now the fighting will not continue when there's really nothing new to fight about over the phone. I am being optimistic here, but we have both agreed to try couple's counseling once she returns, if she has time to do so (as she leaves in January again). She doesn't want to see it, talk about it (unless its something important, like major), hear about it, and have anything to do with it if she/we can help it. She understands that I will dress and act the way I feel I need to when she is gone, but when she is here, she wants me to be her husband.
The way I see it, is that this is progress. If things have to end, I only pray that they don't end in such a bitter and painful way, again being optimistic. Even though the more I delve into my identity, the more I feel like this is the right decision for me, I still hope for this to go smoother than it has. Granted, it wont, but that's what I am hoping for. I am sure she is still hoping for the same, being that this all stops quick fast and in a hurry, but I really can't live that way anymore. The way I see it, is that I am tremendously blessed to have made it to this point at my age, where the damage to be done is rather not as bad as it would be, given I had a larger family and more financial burdens. Of course I could come up with all these pros to the story, but the cons will always be the hardest to deal with at this stage.

I will continue to update where I see fit, so stay tuned... And thank you all for the support and help you all have already provided, and continue to. I couldn't be more appreciative :love:
Remain optimistic. :)