"Choose Your Family or THAT"

[syncopated4]

"Which would you rather choose, your family or that" (meaning my relationship with another woman) This is what my grandmother said to me after trying to get advice from her to help build my relationship between me and my mother.

Our family is very religous and believes that this "lifestyle" is my choice and that I need to pray harder to get the "taste out my mouth" and "stop trying to be a man". Or even blaming my church for accepting me and my partner. Who continues to pray for us and tell us to serve for God. I'm very hurt from the comments that have been made, and the treatment of thier love.

This upcoming holiday season I don't think I will be seeing my family because my grandmother has made it clear that my partner is not welcome to family gatherings. After last Thanksgiving they disinvited her, and I had to be there, as she was sitting home by herself, becasue her family lives 5 hours away and had nowhere to go. But I had to be there and I was so dissapointed and ashamed that my parents would treat someone this way, and that I didn't stand up for her, and they are Christians who go to church every Sunday.

I need some help, advice on this issue. Im praying and asking God to help me and my family. Thanks for reading.

Dee

[Gennee]

Continue to pray for your family. Sadly, many people believe that being gay, lesbian, or transgender is a 'lifestyle' and it is not. This is inborn. I felt different all my life until I discovered that I was transgender. I came out a week shy of my 57th birthday.

I'm sorry about what happened with your GF. That's shows a lack of hospitality on your family's part. It demonstrates why many GLBT people reject God, Chirstianity and the bible.

I will pray for you and your family. Don't feel bitter towards them but put them in God's hands.

Gennee

:pray::love:

[Vanessa White]

syncopated: so many people go through these types of issues with their families when it comes to our relationships. Sometimes, it does mean missing out on holidays or gatherings, because our significant other is not included. It can be a difficult transition.

Sometimes, families believe that by using religion as a type of control, meaning, to try to get us to change our behavior, we will come running back and leave our "deviant lifestyle" behind. That is utter nonsense, and don't fall for the lifestyle bit. We are not a lifestyle. We are living out our identity; our sexual orientation is WHO WE ARE, not WHAT WE DO.

Bishop John Shelby Spong of the Episcopal faith just wrote what he calls a manifesto about LGBT identity and religion; he has flat out said that he will no longer debate the notion of homosexuality and religion being incompatible; we deserve to be treated equally, and that is that. I will imbed the link here.

I think if you and your partner are truly committed to one another, then you can create holidays for you both until your family hopefully, comes around.

http://www.rmnetwork.org/storage/RMNETWORK//files/AManifesto.pdf

[Daniel]

Hi there. I think it is good that you are thinking about not seeing your family for the required Holiday appearance.

How about being upfront with your family? Tell them how you feel about last year?

I encourage you to stand up for yourself and your partner.

Vanessa is right. If you are really committed to each other, you will make your own Holiday. And that is a good thing.

I've been through all this with my husband. And I can tell you: there is hell to pay when doesn't stand up for one's partner as far as family is concerned. It takes a toll on the relationship. It eats away at it. And that isn't pretty.

[Alecto]

I have two immediate, reactionary thoughts. The first is that, and maybe I'm just surly, but whenever one person lays down an ultimatum between them and someone else, I'm always immediately resentful and am VERY likely to choose the somebody else. The fact that you were told "Choose her or us" would make me a lot more likely to choose her.

The other thing that comes to mind is that before I even read this thread, I thought you were talking about choosing your family as in choosing your own definition of family. I have a friend that was kicked out by her mother and pretty much forbidden to speak to her brother and sister. These people are not her family. There are other folks she's met in the past 10 years (including, but not limited to her partners) who care about her, stay involved in her life, support her, and, frankly, KNOW her in a way that the people she grew up with don't. These are the folks she wants at her Thanskgiving.

There's always the potential for reconciliation, but in the meantime: if they stop acting like your family, I don't think you're in any way obligated to spend family holidays with them.

[tymejumper]

This upcoming holiday season I don't think I will be seeing my family because my grandmother has made it clear that my partner is not welcome to family gatherings. After last Thanksgiving they disinvited her, and I had to be there, as she was sitting home by herself, becasue her family lives 5 hours away and had nowhere to go. But I had to be there and I was so dissapointed and ashamed that my parents would treat someone this way, and that I didn't stand up for her

Do not be hard on yourself. It can be difficult to stand up to your family, try to forgive yourself a bit. You have now made a decision to not be part of their celebration in a show of support to your partner. You two need to make your family traditions and celebrations. I also was where you are now. I came out of a marriage and my wife was not accepted by my fathers side of the family. My brother, my father and grandparents. I was invited to the Christmas celebration and when I accepted and told them I wanted them to meet my girlfriend, they told me point blank they "did not want to meet her". I was stuck with the task of telling them that if they could not acept the woman I loved, then they did not accept me and were no longer part of my family unit. I no longer expect them to invite me anywhere. My wifes family is happy my wife is happy and are very warm and accepting(well, most of them anyhow).

I have invited my family to my home and they have called and once visited, but that is all. I demand that they treat her with respect and I will tell them to leave if they do not. I find my family everywhere, not by blood but by love. I was recently married to my wife, they did not attend. Yes, it did hurt, but I have grown so much through the pain. I have pleged my life to my wife and I will do nothing to jepordize our family and love by leaving her somewhere while I go to family parties.

It gets so much easier as you get older, I am 40 now and I have not looked back. I have finally gotten to where I am happy and I owe them nothing. I owe myself and my children my happiness, it makes me a better mother and life so much nicer!

[scott snedeker]

The capacity for intimacy is a gift. You have the capacity for intimacy with your own gender. God made you gay because there is another gay person of His who needs you. The diverse way in which intimate love is expressed is the beauty created with a full artist’s palate. My suggestion is to write a letter reminding your family of the truth in the beauty loving someone. Tell them of the pain they are causing you by excluding you from the family because of your capacity to be intimate with your own gender.

Your future is growing love with your mate. This is who you are. Tell them that you are saddened and empty feeling because their fear of what they don’t understand is greater than their love for you. Their Fear is causing suffering for you and for them, but if they try and get some help they can overcome their fear they will end the suffering.

They can choose to be a part of your future or they can suffer while clinging to memories of the past, but you have chosen life, intimacy and joy for yourself. It’s up to them. Time is on your side not theirs

[jewelsangel]

Dear syncopated4

I'm going through almost the exact same thing. My prayers are with you.