Victoria
11-16-2009, 12:35 PM
I sometimes struggle with introductions... Where to start? What to say and what to leave out for now? ;-)
I've been kinda hanging around this site for a few months now. A couple of years ago I started coming out a bit to a few online friends about being transgendered... in little fits and starts. It's something I've kept secret most of my life, terrified to admit or say out loud in large part because when I was a kid I felt like everyone knew at times because of the way I was treated by the kids I grew up with, and felt like if they actually knew for certain, it would have been so much worse. Even my own father used to call me a queer and a faggot and used a feminized version of my given name to mock me.
So I suppressed it and learned how to "just be a guy" although masks slip and don't always cover things properly ;-) Later in life I've had some of my best friends ask me if I was gay... and I always said No, which is essentially true when you define the word specifically, but I never clarified to anyone, especially myself, "who am I?" ... someone noticing I was "different" meant that I had to work harder at perfecting my masks.
So focused a lot on trying to be a Good Catholic(TM), suppressing everything about me that didn't seem to fit that mold... and ended up marrying a female version of my father; an abusive sociopath.
Long story short, we have the most perfect daughter, so I can't really say the marriage was a mistake, but after some wake up calls starting a few years ago I started paying better attention to how I ended up where I was, and how me and my daughter were being treated, and some how managed to get out of that relationship without losing my daughter in the process.
So at 37 years old, having been in therapy for about a year because of the divorce, and having come out to a few friends online with no ill affect, I managed to vocalize, for the first time in my life, my inner identification with my therapist, which helped me to be able to discuss it with my mother and one real life friend... and that's about as far as it's allowed to come out for now because if my ex knew, she'd use it and twist it in every worst possible way to try to cut me out of my daughters life.
Anyways, aside from all the sh*tty parts of my life, I've always tried to study and understand as much as I could about the world in general, including a variety of religions and philosophies, psychology, biology, linguistics, computer science, et al... name a subject and I've probably gorged on it at some point ;-) and often in an effort to try to find what labels I can use to describe myself...
but no one fits a label. Every person is a singularity that defies description with unique and individual experiences and perspectives, and while we each have commonalities with every other one of us, labels we identify with, groups we share common goals, ideals and ideas with, there is no label or group or description that can fully define an individuals whole self.
I'm unique, just like everyone else ;-)
If I could have reprogrammed my life, starting genetically, the name I would choose for myself would be Victoria Lyn, although Lynx is the name I use most places online, being rather more gender neutral... until you hear my daughter pronounce it (Lyn X ;-) but most of my friends just call me V online, or Lynx online and irl.
Hope you have room for me here, as it seems like a very nice place =)
I've been kinda hanging around this site for a few months now. A couple of years ago I started coming out a bit to a few online friends about being transgendered... in little fits and starts. It's something I've kept secret most of my life, terrified to admit or say out loud in large part because when I was a kid I felt like everyone knew at times because of the way I was treated by the kids I grew up with, and felt like if they actually knew for certain, it would have been so much worse. Even my own father used to call me a queer and a faggot and used a feminized version of my given name to mock me.
So I suppressed it and learned how to "just be a guy" although masks slip and don't always cover things properly ;-) Later in life I've had some of my best friends ask me if I was gay... and I always said No, which is essentially true when you define the word specifically, but I never clarified to anyone, especially myself, "who am I?" ... someone noticing I was "different" meant that I had to work harder at perfecting my masks.
So focused a lot on trying to be a Good Catholic(TM), suppressing everything about me that didn't seem to fit that mold... and ended up marrying a female version of my father; an abusive sociopath.
Long story short, we have the most perfect daughter, so I can't really say the marriage was a mistake, but after some wake up calls starting a few years ago I started paying better attention to how I ended up where I was, and how me and my daughter were being treated, and some how managed to get out of that relationship without losing my daughter in the process.
So at 37 years old, having been in therapy for about a year because of the divorce, and having come out to a few friends online with no ill affect, I managed to vocalize, for the first time in my life, my inner identification with my therapist, which helped me to be able to discuss it with my mother and one real life friend... and that's about as far as it's allowed to come out for now because if my ex knew, she'd use it and twist it in every worst possible way to try to cut me out of my daughters life.
Anyways, aside from all the sh*tty parts of my life, I've always tried to study and understand as much as I could about the world in general, including a variety of religions and philosophies, psychology, biology, linguistics, computer science, et al... name a subject and I've probably gorged on it at some point ;-) and often in an effort to try to find what labels I can use to describe myself...
but no one fits a label. Every person is a singularity that defies description with unique and individual experiences and perspectives, and while we each have commonalities with every other one of us, labels we identify with, groups we share common goals, ideals and ideas with, there is no label or group or description that can fully define an individuals whole self.
I'm unique, just like everyone else ;-)
If I could have reprogrammed my life, starting genetically, the name I would choose for myself would be Victoria Lyn, although Lynx is the name I use most places online, being rather more gender neutral... until you hear my daughter pronounce it (Lyn X ;-) but most of my friends just call me V online, or Lynx online and irl.
Hope you have room for me here, as it seems like a very nice place =)