Relationships: Trials and Tribulations (Help Me)

[Legendary]

Dear All,


I have met the most wonderful person in the world. He is a true friend and hopefully will soon be my lover. The story is, I am his first guy he has liked or loved. A while ago he wanted to experiment to see how it fet to kiss another guy and after that day, even though we remained good friends who told each other all our secrets, we had sex almost if not everyday. About 6 months have passed and our freshman year of college has started, the sex has slowed down but not my much(he is my roommate). We know that we really care about each other and we fill we want to be there for one another. We truly enjoy each others company. We love to hold each other and constantly make each other laugh. We are best friends. He has taken risk because I am his first guy and his parents, as beautiful as they are believe homosexuality s an abomination. However that is not the problem as of now. We know we love one another but every time we try to stop the sex our attempts always fail. A new year is coming and I dont want to lose him because of our sexual desires. He is everything I"ve been praying for and I feel like there is a heavy pain in my heart because I feel if we dont do something soon it'll all be over. A part of me is slowly starting to fade from him because of the sex and also "he seems too good to be true". We agreed to take it slow and he said he will do whatever is necessary because I'm awesome...lol. I know the gay thing is new to him because he's only had girlfriends in the past even though he's always been curious and had experimented when he was much younger and he constantly has other guys try to talk to him but he chose me. "It just seems like a fairy tale" and from what I was taught those aren't real. He's never lied to me or made me angry I slipped up before and he still had my back. I really dont want to pass up this opportunity. Also as I stated even though we are trying to slow it down, it still seems like we're going to fast. Please give any advice that you can.

Legendary

[Daniel]

So what's the deal here?

You are having sex with a guy you are in love with. And is this freaking you out? Why?

Are you the kind of person who has a bliss ceiling? That is, you can only take so much joy with another person - and this includes sex- that you've got to shut off the faucet (as it were) so that you don't feel threatened? Are you shutting things down because it brings up all your 'stuff'?

Here's something to as yourself: is it the sex or is it the intimacy that comes with sex that is freaking you out? Why do you have to stop having sexual intimacy? Where is that thought coming from? What do you think is going to happen, or should happen, when you stop having sex? Are you afraid that it's all about sex and not about love?

I could be dead wrong here, but recognizing your fears about this situation, your own, and your lover's, may be the first step in dealing with them. Real intimacy starts with knowing one's self and sharing that with the other person. This includes fears as well as joys, the good with the bad, the great and the not so great. It means holding each other, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally, through all sorts of things.

My own take is that love relationships bring up all sorts of stuff from the past, mostly about how we see ourselves in order for that stuff to be healed. Going deeply into a relationship can be challenging. I know this because I've been in a relationship with another man for 15 years.

Sex between two people can ebb and flow in terms over the course of time in a relationship. And recognizing one's own sexual drive and how it may be different from your partner's is crucial. It's not uncommon for frequency to drop off after the first couple of years. As well, keeping things cooking between you and your partner requires skill as well as imagination.

If relationships can feel like work sometimes, the rewards for this investment in time and energy are immense. To really love another person means loving one's self first. Because we can only give what we have.

[Pablo Rafael]

Hi Legendary,

Sometimes things that are too good to be true really ARE true. Don't let something wonderful slip away. Being lovers and best friends seems like a perfect combination.

And why do you try to stop the sex? How does it get in the way of your relationship? Sex should be a part of a loving relationship. Is there something about your relationship that gives you serious reason to question it?

My opinion is that if you have something good together, run with it and get rid of the hesitancy. Love is something great; hold on to it tightly.

Tu Amigo, Pablo

[Legendary]

Yes I feel at one with him when we have sex..I just thought that too much sex could b harmful to a relationship. Another just when yesterday when we talked about becoming a couple his biggest is that I will leave him because he's not out...I try to tell him I wont. He also constantly compares himself to other guys saying that "I'm not out like them" and "I just dont want anyone to take you away from me." I've tryed convincing him that that won happen but I still think he still afraid what could I do Our love for each other is growing so as I told him I am willing to go at whatever pace he wants. I was once in his shoes so I understand. This relationship will be a new experience for the both of us. So once again any advice

[scott snedeker]

Yes I feel at one with him when we have sex..I just thought that too much sex could b harmful to a relationship. Another just when yesterday when we talked about becoming a couple his biggest is that I will leave him because he's not out...I try to tell him I wont. He also constantly compares himself to other guys saying that "I'm not out like them" and "I just dont want anyone to take you away from me." I've tryed convincing him that that won happen but I still think he still afraid what could I do Our love for each other is growing so as I told him I am willing to go at whatever pace he wants. I was once in his shoes so I understand. This relationship will be a new experience for the both of us. So once again any advice


Sex activates the "parsympathetic" parrt of the autonomic nervous system that activates repair restoration and healing. So in short the more orgasms you have the healthier you are!!!!!

Lonliness is a big activator of sexual desire and man oh man are closeted gay adolescents and young adults lonely!

My advice is to get a copy of Dr. Jack Kornfield PhD's A Path with Heart on CD at Amazon.com The issue of lonliness and lust is specifically adressed in great depth. I also advise having lots of sex!

Help your self to explore and understand where lonliness comes from, the feeling behind it, the sensations in the body associated with it and focus on affirming the shining boy inside each one of you.

Dissipate the lie that you are inadequate and deserving of spiritual and emotional abandomenet by your family and his.

[Daniel]

Great counsel Scotty! Could not agree more!

[Legendary]

Ok thanks for the advice guys. However I have yet another question and this I believe is a biggy. What do I do when/if his parents find out about us? Like I said they are both amazing people but I know that they would not act postively to the news. I just dont know what will happen. Just last night we were talking until the next morning. We were in the middle of talking when al of a sudden he hung up. I called back and I slep by my phone all morning to wait for his call but unsually he did not call. Then I messaged him on skype and he said to me "I'll talk to you later". This is not like him I have a heavy feeling in my heart that something happened and I prayed to God that nothing did. But if something did happen, I just dont know what would happen, I just wouldnt know what to do. From what he told me if his parents found out, he would no longer be my roomate, and many other things will change and NOT for the better. Please help once again. I am sorry if I am asking for too much. But I really love him and it would hurt to see him go through so much pain.

Legendary,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :love:

[Daniel]

Ok thanks for the advice guys. However I have yet another question and this I believe is a biggy. What do I do when/if his parents find out about us? Like I said they are both amazing people but I know that they would not act postively to the news. I just dont know what will happen. Just last night we were talking until the next morning. We were in the middle of talking when al of a sudden he hung up. I called back and I slep by my phone all morning to wait for his call but unsually he did not call. Then I messaged him on skype and he said to me "I'll talk to you later". This is not like him I have a heavy feeling in my heart that something happened and I prayed to God that nothing did. But if something did happen, I just dont know what would happen, I just wouldnt know what to do. From what he told me if his parents found out, he would no longer be my roomate, and many other things will change and NOT for the better. Please help once again. I am sorry if I am asking for too much. But I really love him and it would hurt to see him go through so much pain.

Legendary,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :love:

I hope all goes well, but since you are both in school, and your beau's parents are paying for his education, he may not be a free agent.

Can't tell your what is going to happen when he parents find out that their son is gay and sleeping with his roommate. But I would take things one at a time. Your man is either going to tell his parents that he is gay, or they may have figured that out already- looking at his texts from you would be one clue, right? Or they may not have a clue. Or if they do, have their heads in the sand as so many do. D'Nile is more than a river after all.

I'm all for people being out of the closet, but if one's security depends on it, I think it a good idea to keep things under wraps. No one wants to be out of house and home and no way to pay for an education.

If your guy is with family on Xmas (and Merry Xmas to you!), then he may not be able to get to a phone or computer. Trust that he will get back to you when he can.

Try to be patient and think this through. Make a plan for what you are going to do, individually and as a couple (do you BOTH recognize that you are a couple?) in case his parents find out his is gay. That's for starters.

Coming out to religiously conservative parents can be a trip. Then again, it depends on the persons involved.

Best I can tell you is that you and your guy need to talk about your relationship as a couple. And if the worst happens and you are not able to be together in the short term, then you both need to plan for the long haul.

Meanwhile, your guy needs to make it a habit to delete any romantic messages from you.

[scott snedeker]

Ok thanks for the advice guys. However I have yet another question and this I believe is a biggy. What do I do when/if his parents find out about us? Like I said they are both amazing people but I know that they would not act postively to the news. I just dont know what will happen. Just last night we were talking until the next morning. We were in the middle of talking when al of a sudden he hung up. I called back and I slep by my phone all morning to wait for his call but unsually he did not call. Then I messaged him on skype and he said to me "I'll talk to you later". This is not like him I have a heavy feeling in my heart that something happened and I prayed to God that nothing did. But if something did happen, I just dont know what would happen, I just wouldnt know what to do. From what he told me if his parents found out, he would no longer be my roomate, and many other things will change and NOT for the better. Please help once again. I am sorry if I am asking for too much. But I really love him and it would hurt to see him go through so much pain.

Legendary,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! :love:

Right now would not be a good time to disclose. Your and your friend need time to build confidence in the truth of your entitlement to the joy that you are sharing. This joy is something precious. God gave the two of you the gift of capacity for intimacy together. Honor His gift with sharing. Keep things discrete for now and protect Your joy.




If somehow it slips or suspicion is raised, you might respond with "I can't believe you just asked that!" with a quizzical raise of your eyebrows followed by a frowning furowed brow on your face, shake your head and change the topic. You are not lying but neither are you being open. If they persist, remind them that this is a private matter and inappropriate for them to pry any further. After all, You would never pry into details of their sexual practices.

Offer forgiveness for their disrespectful trespass because you understand that they were caught off-guard, But for now the topic is strictly off limits. Especially since you may not be ready for this confrontation.

Later the two of you might approach them with suggested reading, giving them time to adjust. Some of the other folks here may have suggestions. additionally there may be some books with ideas for coming out to fundamentalist parents for gay children.

In other words start preparing now. Prepare your selves internally, emotionally, and responses. rehearse with each other and friends. Get reading!!!!!!

[Legendary]

I toyally agree with guys but listen to this:

1. He believes he is bisesual. He told me he more attracted to girls that guys. It's just that I'm the first guy he's really had feeling for. Therefore he doesnt really want to be out because he doesnt want to be only seen as gay or looked upon differently. He scared I will leave him because of this.

2. Since he parents taught him that it was a sin to comit homosexual behaviors he kind of still believes so. (which I'm confused about) But yet it doesnt seem to bother him.

3. Yes we do see ourselves as a couple.

4. Even though he has constanltly had guys hit on him including his gay friends, its still all new too him. (ex: he never knew what transgendered was until I showed him)

5. He was bold enough to kiss me outside (but when it was dark and no one was around.) I was the one kind of nervous he wasn't. He said that at that time he really didnt care who saw.

6. I'm still on the road to being comfortable with who I am...but I've gotten farther than last year.

7. He just recently became confortable with calling me "love", "baby" or "babe", which I am happy about.

8. As I told him I am on a Spirtual Journey to be a peace with my Lord and so that I may walk with him. I want him to do the same but, his beliefs still conflict with mine. I dont what to do about that so I just let it be. He loves the Lord but he is true to how he was raised and what he was taught.

9. My mom knows about me and even though she doesnt agree she still supports me. She told me that even though we may think we're hiding it good his mother may know. She said that a mother can read her child "We carry you for nine months" she said.


An Advice on this guys


Legendary

[Daniel]

I toyally agree with guys but listen to this:

1. He believes he is bisesual. He told me he more attracted to girls that guys. It's just that I'm the first guy he's really had feeling for. Therefore he doesnt really want to be out because he doesnt want to be only seen as gay or looked upon differently. He scared I will leave him because of this.

2. Since he parents taught him that it was a sin to comit homosexual behaviors he kind of still believes so. (which I'm confused about) But yet it doesnt seem to bother him.

3. Yes we do see ourselves as a couple.

4. Even though he has constanltly had guys hit on him including his gay friends, its still all new too him. (ex: he never knew what transgendered was until I showed him)

5. He was bold enough to kiss me outside (but when it was dark and no one was around.) I was the one kind of nervous he wasn't. He said that at that time he really didnt care who saw.

6. I'm still on the road to being comfortable with who I am...but I've gotten farther than last year.

7. He just recently became confortable with calling me "love", "baby" or "babe", which I am happy about.

8. As I told him I am on a Spirtual Journey to be a peace with my Lord and so that I may walk with him. I want him to do the same but, his beliefs still conflict with mine. I dont what to do about that so I just let it be. He loves the Lord but he is true to how he was raised and what he was taught.

9. My mom knows about me and even though she doesnt agree she still supports me. She told me that even though we may think we're hiding it good his mother may know. She said that a mother can read her child "We carry you for nine months" she said.


An Advice on this guys


Legendary

1. Could be so. Could also his way of dealing with his own internalized homophobia. Only he knows however.

2. A nice reason so believe that he is Bi. That way, he's not totally beyond the pale.

3. That's a biggie.

4. You mean he's never acted on it until meeting you. ;)

5. Really? Why is it always that the one's who protest the most are also the most extroverted about it?

6. Good for you! Getting comfortable in your own skin is a life-long journey and isn't just about sexuality.

7. Christopher Isherwood (are you going to see the movie Single Man which is based on his great book?) once said that you can sleep with anyone, but it's who you love that's important- that's the big sign.

8. My experience is that wanting our lovers to share out faith is asking waaaaaaay more than asking them to share our bed. Best to let them do their thing. We all don't have to be carbon copies of each other. And differences can be very good even in terms of faith. Just letting it be is really the best thing. Good for you!

9. Your mother is very wise. Your beau's mom may 'know' too. However, her conscious mind may deny it. Great that she loves you. Her mind is in conflict with her heart, yes? That may change in time, especially if she has the benefit of good information, which appeals to the mind. You can only lead a horse to water though.

Hang in there. Love has it's own rules. That's my experience anyway. If your guy is on the up and up with all, so much the better.

[scott snedeker]

1. Could be so. Could also his way of dealing with his own internalized homophobia. Only he knows however.

2. A nice reason so believe that he is Bi. That way, he's not totally beyond the pale.

3. That's a biggie.

4. You mean he's never acted on it until meeting you. ;)

5. Really? Why is it always that the one's who protest the most are also the most extroverted about it?

6. Good for you! Getting comfortable in your own skin is a life-long journey and isn't just about sexuality.

7. Christopher Isherwood (are you going to see the movie Single Man which is based on his great book?) once said that you can sleep with anyone, but it's who you love that's important- that's the big sign.

8. My experience is that wanting our lovers to share out faith is asking waaaaaaay more than asking them to share our bed. Best to let them do their thing. We all don't have to be carbon copies of each other. And differences can be very good even in terms of faith. Just letting it be is really the best thing. Good for you!

9. Your mother is very wise. Your beau's mom may 'know' too. However, her conscious mind may deny it. Great that she loves you. Her mind is in conflict with her heart, yes? That may change in time, especially if she has the benefit of good information, which appeals to the mind. You can only lead a horse to water though.

Hang in there. Love has it's own rules. That's my experience anyway. If your guy is on the up and up with all, so much the better.

Excellent response! Daniel!

Legendary, I suggest you print a hard copy of all that has been dicussed on this thread and read it over and share it with your other half. Lotsa good stuff here to help you center yourself.

What I hear in all of your posts is fear. In these posts are tools to help face these fears so that you can dissipate them and not be at their mercy.

Fear of facing fear is parlyzing, Like standing on a diving board apprehensive about how cold the water in the pool is. Then once you just jump you experience the shock and then the wonderful invigorating sensation of swimming and jumping and horsing around!

Deepak Chopra addresses the A B C D E of low self esteem which is a primary generator of fear in gay folk.

A adversity a difficult situation such as what you present on the forum

B belief that this adversity makes you less entitled and less desrving of nurturing and affirmation of your developing emotional sexual and mental evolution

C consequences of that belief, allowing yourself to be harmed and suffering lonliness and collateral suffering of people dear to you

D disputing these thoughts. This requires daily focus, perseverence and good teachers

E energy released after successfull disputation of these beliefs and freeing yourself of these consequences....Thrilling!!!!

[drobs]

1. Could be so. Could also his way of dealing with his own internalized homophobia. Only he knows however.

2. A nice reason so believe that he is Bi. That way, he's not totally beyond the pale.

3. That's a biggie.

4. You mean he's never acted on it until meeting you. ;)

5. Really? Why is it always that the one's who protest the most are also the most extroverted about it?

6. Good for you! Getting comfortable in your own skin is a life-long journey and isn't just about sexuality.

7. Christopher Isherwood (are you going to see the movie Single Man which is based on his great book?) once said that you can sleep with anyone, but it's who you love that's important- that's the big sign.

8. My experience is that wanting our lovers to share out faith is asking waaaaaaay more than asking them to share our bed. Best to let them do their thing. We all don't have to be carbon copies of each other. And differences can be very good even in terms of faith. Just letting it be is really the best thing. Good for you!

9. Your mother is very wise. Your beau's mom may 'know' too. However, her conscious mind may deny it. Great that she loves you. Her mind is in conflict with her heart, yes? That may change in time, especially if she has the benefit of good information, which appeals to the mind. You can only lead a horse to water though.

Hang in there. Love has it's own rules. That's my experience anyway. If your guy is on the up and up with all, so much the better.

+1 I wouldn't be too worried by the bi statement. Your bf is still trying to figure things out.

On the religion side I completely agree with Daniel. My partner of 7 years is non-religious and was raised that way. I on the other hand grew up born again christian. I still hold most of those beliefs but don't force anything on my partner.

On a side note. LOVE is big word for me. My partner and I were probably together for a year or more before we said the "L" word. Love to me means I'll lay down my life for yours. That I will take care of your every need. I don't use the word lightly and I don't throw it around.

I dated a guy that brought out the "I love you" statement a few weeks before we broke up. That break up was hard on me because those words mean something to me. I did learn from it that you need to put your feelings and emotions on the line. That's what love and life is.

As far as coming out. There's no need to rush that with parents and family. I think I would've had a better relationship with my parents had I just left them in the dark. Being your bf is just out to himself now, give him time to get used to that, before worrying about coming out to others including family.

[Legendary]

Thank you so much for all you advice guys and I will be sure to keep note of all of this.


However just yesterday we decided to become a couple...and one of our discussions was "long distance relationships"( just in case we go to different schools). He told me that he could do it because he would want to hold and kiss me. Then he said that he trusted me to the fullest but he'll constantly be paranoid and wondering what I'm doing all the time. I told him that things may change and that we have to build ourselves a good foundation as a couple so that when the time comes for us to go our separate ways we will be ready. I know it may be a little while before any of this happens but I'm doing research on LDR's now. He still doesn't believe his mind will change though. I dont know what to say or do? I'm just trying to look into our future that may happen. Cause I know that we cant always be near one another like we both want too. I'm just going to take it one step at a time,after all he's still getting used to being with a guy. If this tells anything...he gave me the ok to tell my friends(whom I KNOW I can trust) about us. Even though he is a little worried someone may find out. The journeys just beginning and so is our love so I'll just plant the seed and let God water it, so it may grow.

[drobs]

How long is long distance? Might see if you can find a job close to him and a cheap apartment. Maybe both of you could get jobs near school and keep an apartment together.

Graduated college 12 yrs ago but I wish I'd skipped the dorms altogether after my freshman year. Much cheaper to live off campus.

[Legendary]

The things is we are interested in pursuing two very different careers which may cause us to eventually part ways for a while. As I told him we both have dreams and I want us to make them happen. He cried so hard yesterday and there was nothing I could do about it because I was not there to hold him. I felt so helpless. But as I said we may have to go out separate ways temporarily unless we find a solution that suits us both.Finding a way to do out own thing but still not being too far from each other.

[Daniel]

The things is we are interested in pursuing two very different careers which may cause us to eventually part ways for a while. As I told him we both have dreams and I want us to make them happen. He cried so hard yesterday and there was nothing I could do about it because I was not there to hold him. I felt so helpless. But as I said we may have to go out separate ways temporarily unless we find a solution that suits us both.Finding a way to do out own thing but still not being too far from each other.

Finding the love of your life and then losing it brings one to tears. That not be the exact situation here, but having found something important with you- and finding himself- may be a huge deal for your beau. With his family stuff going on...well....that would set everything into relief, would it not?

Ok. So what happened with the family? Do they have a clue that your BF is gay? Has he told them? Are they separating you two up?

[Legendary]

No his family is not a problem as of now...he said he is bisexuals. His past relationships were with girls who broke his heart. He just has moments where he cries and ask himself why me?. Just today he was able to tell one of his close friends about us ( I was the first to know about him) But all in all we are not worried too much about his family right now.

[Daniel]

No his family is not a problem as of now...he said he is bisexuals. His past relationships were with girls who broke his heart. He just has moments where he cries and ask himself why me?. Just today he was able to tell one of his close friends about us ( I was the first to know about him) But all in all we are not worried too much about his family right now.

He has moments when he cries and asks himself why me? As in, "why do I have these feelings"? That's a big deal. It tells me that he may need to start sorting out the religious stuff with growing up conservative (ie anti-gay) and having same-sex attraction. To have a successful relationship with you, he is going to have to come to terms with what he's been taught about himself. There is no getting around this. If ignored, it will come back to bite you both in the butt. The bliss of great sex and feelings of love can only hold things together for awhile. Building a relationship? That is something else.

Now. If your beau is crying because he is so grateful that you've found each other- that is something else entirely.

[Legendary]

He was crying because first off he's been hurt so many times and second..he afraid I might leave him like everyone else.

[Daniel]

He was crying because first off he's been hurt so many times and second..he afraid I might leave him like everyone else.

Just wondering why you wrote this then...

The 'why me' part of your sentence (post 18) gave this reader a very different impression.

[drobs]

The things is we are interested in pursuing two very different careers which may cause us to eventually part ways for a while. As I told him we both have dreams and I want us to make them happen. He cried so hard yesterday and there was nothing I could do about it because I was not there to hold him. I felt so helpless. But as I said we may have to go out separate ways temporarily unless we find a solution that suits us both.Finding a way to do out own thing but still not being too far from each other.

Dreams and different future career paths are just that -- a possibility in the future. Don't worry about those future dreams and career paths now. Enjoy what you have, now.

Unless you are both graduating and going to separate grad schools next year, its not worth your time to worry about what might happed 2 or 3 years from now.

Finally, college is not real life. It's a nice break from reality. When you get out of school you may find yourself in a completely different career field and path. When it comes time to look for a job to pay the bills and allow you to move out from home, dreams and paths change.